Page 5 | Physical fight with teen boy

Reallysoreandhurt · 2023-04-27T17:10:10+00:00

I can’t believe I’m typing this. He is 12, he has autism and is also medicated for adhd. His meds wear off after school and he punched his brother as they got in the car. He deliberately antagonised him, his brother shouted back and so he punched him, hard, so as I think he will bruise. We got home and I said he was on a screen ban. He had a lock on his door and he went in and locked it. He knows he is not supposed to lock it unless he’s going out. I have a key but it was in the cupboard. I can control screens via the router so I did this and then he came downstairs. I gave him a couple of jobs to do and I went up and took his keys and carried on cooking dinner. I suspect he wanted to lock his room so he can get on some other device somehow, he’s very tech savvy. I tried de-escalating, distracting, walking away, humour, anything. But I wasn’t prepared to just hand over his keys. He started to cry saying he wanted his keys back and then started swearing. I said that that wasn’t going to get him anywhere and he grabbed a ladle and threw it. I said I absolutely would not be handing his keys back, he could go back to his room and there would be no screens. He stood in front of me swearing and shouting “give me my fucking keys woman, give them to me now you fucking stupid woman give me my keys.” I stayed calm and he carried on getting closer into my face and I said “if you carry on swearing into my face I shall slap you.” And he said “fuck you” and I slapped him on the cheek. He went bezerk and punched me to the ground. I ended up on the kitchen floor with him standing over me. Im really really sore all down one side and on my arm, and very shaken. He’s gone to his room and I’ve stopped crying now. I have no idea what to do. I shouldn’t have slapped him. In my entire life I’ve never ever been physically battered like this. Im on my own with them, their dad is hopeless and lives an hour away.

Nomoreplease23 · 27/04/2023 21:17

How would social services react to such a difficult family situation. Would the section 17 CIN escalate to section 47 if referred to SS? Does the slap meet the threshold of significant harm? Then perhaps a strategy meeting and a child protection conference and protection plan? I only know the theory around this, how do social services play this out in reality?
OP has more experience of SS, does the above protocol kick in, or would this as an instance of a one off incident result in a parenting course - is there a balance that would benefit the OP? Are there any social workers online who could answer this?

TescoFinestMyArse · 27/04/2023 21:18

TheHandmaiden · 27/04/2023 18:53

Well, the criminal justice system is full of impulsive young men who are violent and often they have ADHD. You keep on fooling yourself that a line hasn't been crossed.

It has. His brother punched him back and he stopped. Yea, he has self control, but not for you, and the next time you want to say no, I wonder how confident you will be. I think not very, or maybe you don't say it all.

Repeatedly hitting you, on the floor is not a loss of control. If he wasn't related to you, but had ADHD, it would be an assault and it still is. You need to think of your other child and what they will learn from this episode. Nothing good.

Absolutely agree with all of this.

Sorry OP, the line has crossed. You need to deal with this head on. SS and at a minimum get his dad involved. No matter how useless he is.

Original poster

Reallysoreandhurt · 27/04/2023 21:18

Fancylike · 27/04/2023 21:15

I think it’s maybe time you stepped away from this thread, OP.
There’s lots of good advice, some you seem to appreciate and some less so.
Stay safe.

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Clearly you didn’t see the appalling post that this response was for?

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TescoFinestMyArse · 27/04/2023 21:19

Reallysoreandhurt · 27/04/2023 19:11

Omg.

What happened was I triggered him (open ended game ban) then added to it by taking his keys. Then topped it off by slapping him.

And he should not have reacted that way. But it wasn’t premeditated or calculated and he hasn’t got ANYTHING that he wanted out of it. And he’s in bed now asleep, wiped out.

Please stop validating him. For your other sons sake.

Fancylike · 27/04/2023 21:21

Reallysoreandhurt · 27/04/2023 21:18

Clearly you didn’t see the appalling post that this response was for?

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I did. Do you really think it’s good for you to read more of the same?

Original poster

Reallysoreandhurt · 27/04/2023 21:22

Toloveandtowork · 27/04/2023 21:04

On threads like this, I notice that a lot of people only post to say you must think of your other child.
Other people say, you are to blame for hitting your violent son first.

As another poster said, there are a lot of women being abused physically and mentally by their children, especially by sons. The slap was wrong, but didn't deserve a beating with bruises.

Perhaps it is wiser to see things how they are (brutal violence) and make plans for your son to be housed away from you. Why should you not protect yourself like you would be advised to do in other instances of domestic violence? Don't suck it up as part of being a mother. It's all so fucked up - society that is.

Youre crackers. Seriously off your head. Is that how you think life works? That a child with a disability is triggered and lashes out, and then everyone runs around and makes sure he’s “housed” elsewhere?

Meanwhile back in the real world, I’ll be getting his meds reviewed urgently and handling things differently if the situation arises again.

He is a disabled child of 12. Not a domestic abuser or a “monster” as one fuckwit described him.

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Ottersmith · 27/04/2023 21:24

This isn't fair on your other child. He will only get worse. You have to do something whether it be inform ss or the police can you ask ss or respite time or something. At the very least he needs a therapist who specialises in autism if you don't take actions now you will be living with an abuser for a long time and it's not ok for you.

Original poster

Reallysoreandhurt · 27/04/2023 21:26

Ottersmith · 27/04/2023 21:24

This isn't fair on your other child. He will only get worse. You have to do something whether it be inform ss or the police can you ask ss or respite time or something. At the very least he needs a therapist who specialises in autism if you don't take actions now you will be living with an abuser for a long time and it's not ok for you.

Can I ask you, what experience you have, of autism and adhd? You personally?

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Original poster

Reallysoreandhurt · 27/04/2023 21:29

I think ADHD rebound is looking very likely as a description for at least some of what’s happened.

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Fancylike · 27/04/2023 21:35

If you want personal experience, my younger brother is autistic, ADHD, and more recently with a few other personality disorder diagnoses.
He would beat the shit out of me, my sister, and my mum, starting from when he was about 14. He would go into a rage and “lose control” and keep punching until the victim fell down or got away or he tired himself out. It sounds similar to your son, except he’s starting a bit younger. It went from shoving to hitting occasionally to punching all the time. Several times he knocked me unconscious and I woke up bleeding and with bite marks.

I’ve changed my mind and think you should stay on your thread and really really really read these responses. I wish an adult had gotten past the “boys playing up” mentality and actually stepped up to protect all of the children involved in my family. Step up.

MakesMeFeelSad · 27/04/2023 21:36

It sounds like a change of meds might be a good idea

I think going forward taking away the things he uses to decompress is probably not a good idea. Although I have no advice what punishment you should use instead

It's bloody hard , I think most of us who have been in similar situations have had moments of losing control ourselves, even if it's just been shouting

Of course you aren't going to kick out your 12 year old who has asd and adhd. People on here are ridiculous at times 🙄

Coffeeandbourbons · 27/04/2023 21:40

God OP how awful, what on Earth is going on with teenage boys these days?? Punching his mother to the ground??

LimitIsUp · 27/04/2023 21:41

Fancylike · 27/04/2023 21:35

If you want personal experience, my younger brother is autistic, ADHD, and more recently with a few other personality disorder diagnoses.
He would beat the shit out of me, my sister, and my mum, starting from when he was about 14. He would go into a rage and “lose control” and keep punching until the victim fell down or got away or he tired himself out. It sounds similar to your son, except he’s starting a bit younger. It went from shoving to hitting occasionally to punching all the time. Several times he knocked me unconscious and I woke up bleeding and with bite marks.

I’ve changed my mind and think you should stay on your thread and really really really read these responses. I wish an adult had gotten past the “boys playing up” mentality and actually stepped up to protect all of the children involved in my family. Step up.

I am genuinely sorry for your experience but we have to be careful not to project, surely? It's a bit of a leap that one incident of this occurring with the OPs 12 year old will necessarily turn into an entrenched and escalating behaviour

Original poster

Reallysoreandhurt · 27/04/2023 21:43

Fancylike · 27/04/2023 21:35

If you want personal experience, my younger brother is autistic, ADHD, and more recently with a few other personality disorder diagnoses.
He would beat the shit out of me, my sister, and my mum, starting from when he was about 14. He would go into a rage and “lose control” and keep punching until the victim fell down or got away or he tired himself out. It sounds similar to your son, except he’s starting a bit younger. It went from shoving to hitting occasionally to punching all the time. Several times he knocked me unconscious and I woke up bleeding and with bite marks.

I’ve changed my mind and think you should stay on your thread and really really really read these responses. I wish an adult had gotten past the “boys playing up” mentality and actually stepped up to protect all of the children involved in my family. Step up.

That sounds horrendous and I’m sorry you went through this, but that’s nothing like this situation.

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Original poster

Reallysoreandhurt · 27/04/2023 21:43

LimitIsUp · 27/04/2023 21:41

I am genuinely sorry for your experience but we have to be careful not to project, surely? It's a bit of a leap that one incident of this occurring with the OPs 12 year old will necessarily turn into an entrenched and escalating behaviour

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Thank you

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IDontWantToBeAPie · 27/04/2023 22:00

While his behaviour was awful I'm sorry but... you hit him first. In a fight, it would be said you started it.

Thepossibility · 27/04/2023 22:08

I don't personally have a child with ASD/ADHD but I do work with them as my career.
I think you slapping him was a mistake (as you know) and he retaliated. She hit me I hit her.
So I think in his mind he is justified. He didn't attack you for no reason.
I would back off completely for a while. Chatting about it right now will start up the argument again.
He was agitated before all this even started.
Yes to med review.
Yes to involving him in his further treatment “I can see you are agitated after school, what can I do to help?"
Not now. On a good day.
When everything is calm I would apologise for hitting him.
If he needs his screen to decompress after school I wouldn't be stopping him from having it.

TomeTome · 27/04/2023 22:16

Is the answer more medication? I know it’s hard to think but really OP needs to change her behaviour and provide better support. It’s not a given at all that the boy needs a higher dose of meds. You need to be really honest about your part in this OP.

SeulementUneFois · 27/04/2023 22:17

OP

Please read other people's personal experiences. Yes there might not be many, but don't forget, child on parent abuse is shameful and taboo, and hidden away.
Just think, there's a good chance that in 5 years' time you'll have suffered many, many beatings. Don't bury your head in the sand.

AllOfThemWitches · 27/04/2023 22:23

Sounds so difficult. My extremely autistic son is also violent when distressed but not 'maliciously,' if you know what I mean.

Is he likely to apologise? Will he be genuinely remorseful? I have so much sympathy for you x

AllOfThemWitches · 27/04/2023 22:24

This isn't fair on your other child. He will only get worse. You have to do something whether it be inform ss or the police can you ask ss or respite time or something. At the very least he needs a therapist who specialises in autism if you don't take actions now you will be living with an abuser for a long time and it's not ok for you.

HAHAHAHAHAHA good joke.

nolongersurprised · 27/04/2023 22:26

I think you need to tell his dad, and formulate a plan for when it happens again.

This particular day, with this trigger, may not happen again, but the academic/social demand is only going to increase as he navigates high school. He has shown you contempt and there is no remorse and there have been no consequences.

Original poster

Reallysoreandhurt · 27/04/2023 22:37

He came to me and put his head on my lap and had a good cry.

We have agreed not to talk about it tonight. And that we love each other and that there is nothing that can’t be fixed or lived with or worked around or gotten through.

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Original poster

Reallysoreandhurt · 27/04/2023 22:37

nolongersurprised · 27/04/2023 22:26

I think you need to tell his dad, and formulate a plan for when it happens again.

This particular day, with this trigger, may not happen again, but the academic/social demand is only going to increase as he navigates high school. He has shown you contempt and there is no remorse and there have been no consequences.

His dad is beyond hopeless. Truly.

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tara66 · 27/04/2023 22:51

TescoFinestMyArse · 27/04/2023 21:19

Please stop validating him. For your other sons sake.

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Agree. You need to take ''steps'' of some form or another immediately. You have been advised multiple times what to do. Don't just let everything continue as is - drifting along until another outburst. You also should inform the school what happened - which I haven't noticed has been mentioned.