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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Physical fight with teen boy

138 replies

Reallysoreandhurt · 27/04/2023 18:10

I can’t believe I’m typing this.

He is 12, he has autism and is also medicated for adhd. His meds wear off after school and he punched his brother as they got in the car. He deliberately antagonised him, his brother shouted back and so he punched him, hard, so as I think he will bruise.

We got home and I said he was on a screen ban. He had a lock on his door and he went in and locked it. He knows he is not supposed to lock it unless he’s going out. I have a key but it was in the cupboard. I can control screens via the router so I did this and then he came downstairs. I gave him a couple of jobs to do and I went up and took his keys and carried on cooking dinner. I suspect he wanted to lock his room so he can get on some other device somehow, he’s very tech savvy.

I tried de-escalating, distracting, walking away, humour, anything. But I wasn’t prepared to just hand over his keys.

He started to cry saying he wanted his keys back and then started swearing. I said that that wasn’t going to get him anywhere and he grabbed a ladle and threw it.

I said I absolutely would not be handing his keys back, he could go back to his room and there would be no screens.

He stood in front of me swearing and shouting “give me my fucking keys woman, give them to me now you fucking stupid woman give me my keys.” I stayed calm and he carried on getting closer into my face and I said “if you carry on swearing into my face I shall slap you.” And he said “fuck you” and I slapped him on the cheek.

He went bezerk and punched me to the ground. I ended up on the kitchen floor with him standing over me. Im really really sore all down one side and on my arm, and very shaken. He’s gone to his room and I’ve stopped crying now.

I have no idea what to do. I shouldn’t have slapped him. In my entire life I’ve never ever been physically battered like this.

Im on my own with them, their dad is hopeless and lives an hour away.

OP posts:
Skybluepinky · 27/04/2023 18:42

U need to safeguard yr other child, if u rnt capable u need to contact SS b4 yr other child is removed from yr care.

PaigeMatthews · 27/04/2023 18:46

He needs his dosage looking at.

does he have anything that he does outside of school?

Original poster
Reallysoreandhurt · 27/04/2023 18:50

PaigeMatthews · 27/04/2023 18:46

He needs his dosage looking at.

does he have anything that he does outside of school?

I’m thinking that too. His brother has a top up dose most days.

OP posts:
Original poster
Reallysoreandhurt · 27/04/2023 18:51

MichelleScarn · 27/04/2023 18:38

How old is your other son who was assaulted first? Does this happen often to him? At some point he's going to have enough and want to leave the home, has he not told his dad or someone at school this is happening?

Same age, it’s his twin. The both have ADHD.

OP posts:
SeulementUneFois · 27/04/2023 18:52

TheHandmaiden · 27/04/2023 18:29

Being repeated punched and beaten by your son is a game changer. It is not in your favour and if you think you are going to assert any authority after this then good luck. It will not blow over.

You are going to be scared and he's given himself permission to be violent. You need him out of the house.

This OP.

Please have a look at some of the threads in Teenagers.
There's plenty of mums regularly beaten by their sons, and they're stuck because it's taboo, it's not looked at under domestic violence, no agency wants to touch it.
Your future - for many years - can be very grim.

TheHandmaiden · 27/04/2023 18:53

Well, the criminal justice system is full of impulsive young men who are violent and often they have ADHD. You keep on fooling yourself that a line hasn't been crossed.

It has. His brother punched him back and he stopped. Yea, he has self control, but not for you, and the next time you want to say no, I wonder how confident you will be. I think not very, or maybe you don't say it all.

Repeatedly hitting you, on the floor is not a loss of control. If he wasn't related to you, but had ADHD, it would be an assault and it still is. You need to think of your other child and what they will learn from this episode. Nothing good.

Redebs · 27/04/2023 18:54

How horrible for you. It must have been an awful shock.
I worked with violent young people for years and although we always maintained adult composure, the internal emotional effects of being assaulted can take days to clear from your system.

You could really do with some practical support on preparing for potential conflict situations. You need a plan for de-escalation and safety. You need an experienced and skilled advisor to help prepare.

Moments of high emotional intensity are not the time to be teaching respect or keeping to rules, they are points where you need a procedure or routine to give you both a chance to stay calm and let the adrenalin wear off.

I knew a boy who when he was getting stressed, found it impossible to follow his mum's guidance to take time out in the garden. Even though they both knew it was what would help him, if she said anything, he had to disagree. It was his suggestion that she roll a ball out of the door, but say nothing so that he could do it without triggering his oppositional feelings.

ididntknowthat11 · 27/04/2023 18:55

No advice but I'm so sorry. That sounds so hard, and you're dealing with it alone. Xx

Prescottdanni123 · 27/04/2023 18:55

As well as dealing with his aggression, you also need to deal with your own. You hit him first. That was not right. And if you were his father, people would not be giving you an easy time on here. Plus you can't effectively teach him to stop using violence towards you and his brother if you yourself are showing violence towards him.

Other PPs have already suggested some great sources of support for you both

Original poster
Reallysoreandhurt · 27/04/2023 18:57

*Moments of high emotional intensity are not the time to be teaching respect or keeping to rules, they are points where you need a procedure or routine to give you both a chance to stay calm and let the adrenalin wear off.

I knew a boy who when he was getting stressed, found it impossible to follow his mum's guidance to take time out in the garden. Even though they both knew it was what would help him, if she said anything, he had to disagree. It was his suggestion that she roll a ball out of the door, but say nothing so that he could do it without triggering his oppositional feelings.*

This is how I feel. He has traits of PDA.

I don’t think there is a way of nipping this in the bud as such, because it was a reaction.

OP posts:
Original poster
Reallysoreandhurt · 27/04/2023 18:58

Prescottdanni123 · 27/04/2023 18:55

As well as dealing with his aggression, you also need to deal with your own. You hit him first. That was not right. And if you were his father, people would not be giving you an easy time on here. Plus you can't effectively teach him to stop using violence towards you and his brother if you yourself are showing violence towards him.

Other PPs have already suggested some great sources of support for you both

Yes, absolutely. I handled it really really badly and in that moment I just wanted him to stop.

OP posts:
Original poster
Reallysoreandhurt · 27/04/2023 19:00

Ok so, what now? We all cool off, I ask for more de-escalation techniques? In that moment the only thing he could think about was getting back his keys. So to de escalate I could have handed them back. But where does that get me?

im lost.

OP posts:
BattingDown · 27/04/2023 19:01

Do they normally stay at their dad’s at all? I know you think he’ll think it’s a reward but really you need to get him out of the house while you work out how to make clear this is a very very serious event.

Gymmum82 · 27/04/2023 19:02

I’d have called the police

Original poster
Reallysoreandhurt · 27/04/2023 19:03

yes a couple of nights a month and they love going.

If I ask his dad to have him he will say no, it’s not his night. I could drop him there but that would just be interpreted as “your mother can’t handle you, you’re always good for me aren’t you?” for their dad.

OP posts:
adhdpunchbag · 27/04/2023 19:03

I agree about looking at the dosage. My DS14 is now on 12 hour medication. It means he gets loud and giddy nearer bedtime but I least I have a calm evening.

Previously his dose wore off about 5 and it didn't do anyone any favours.

What I would say (from experience) is the gaming ban, with an unknown end time would have really triggered him. I tend to give a set time so he knows what to expect and can cope better.

Saying that it is really HARD dealing with incidents like this. And you have twins... take care of yourself xx

Original poster
Reallysoreandhurt · 27/04/2023 19:04

adhdpunchbag · 27/04/2023 19:03

I agree about looking at the dosage. My DS14 is now on 12 hour medication. It means he gets loud and giddy nearer bedtime but I least I have a calm evening.

Previously his dose wore off about 5 and it didn't do anyone any favours.

What I would say (from experience) is the gaming ban, with an unknown end time would have really triggered him. I tend to give a set time so he knows what to expect and can cope better.

Saying that it is really HARD dealing with incidents like this. And you have twins... take care of yourself xx

Yes! I massively triggered him.

OP posts:
gettingolderbutcooler · 27/04/2023 19:06

I'm
More concerned that your other child was assaulted- is he ok? Don't spend time(ie rewarding) your badly behaved son- spend time with your other boy.
Good luck x

tara66 · 27/04/2023 19:06

Reallysoreandhurt · 27/04/2023 18:18

He won’t do it again. I don’t feel unsafe, just like I don’t know where the hell to go with this.

''He won't do it again''??
I think he will and he will soon be much bigger and stronger too.
You need to report to social services and your GP asap.
This child needs much more effective medication.
He might get angry with a 4 year old next and what will be the result?

MorrisZapp · 27/04/2023 19:07

I must admit I've struggled a few times with wanting to slap my son. He's taller than me, no extra needs just full of adolescent rudeness and aggression.

I have no idea how to teach him respect for women when he's happy to square up to me and speak to me like I'm crap.

He apologises and wants a hug later but in the moment literally no words reach him. Nothing I can say helps.

I've got no advice, sorry. My loving, hippy mother slapped me once in my life. It was utterly shocking and I shaped up immediately. Everybody has a breaking point.

FannyFifer · 27/04/2023 19:08

He will now hurt you when he doesn't get his own way, he had upped the ante. This is not going down a good route. You be need to get SS involved ASAP.

Original poster
Reallysoreandhurt · 27/04/2023 19:11

Omg.

What happened was I triggered him (open ended game ban) then added to it by taking his keys. Then topped it off by slapping him.

And he should not have reacted that way. But it wasn’t premeditated or calculated and he hasn’t got ANYTHING that he wanted out of it. And he’s in bed now asleep, wiped out.

OP posts:
Original poster
Reallysoreandhurt · 27/04/2023 19:12

gettingolderbutcooler · 27/04/2023 19:06

I'm
More concerned that your other child was assaulted- is he ok? Don't spend time(ie rewarding) your badly behaved son- spend time with your other boy.
Good luck x

Yes he’s fine. His twin punched his arm as they fought about who was getting in the front seat of the car.

OP posts:
Octavia64 · 27/04/2023 19:16

Ok, so in terms of what now

It sounds like the first and most obvious thing that could be changed that would have prevented the chain of events is to get his meds reassessed asap.

You may be able to get top up meds for the evening.

This would have prevented the whole chain (he wouldn't have punched his brother.... etc)

The second thing is to look at the consequences you are using for violence, I.E. the screen ban. It looks like a screen ban escalated the situation massively. If he has been violent then it may be the case that he can use screens to calm down.

So maybe you should look at - are there other consequences I can use for violence? Do those consequences need to happen immediately (bear in mind if he is being violent you should probably be thinking about consequences later when he has calmed down).

Then, are there other ways he can calm down? This could be a conversation with him.

There will be people that can talk you through this process. National autistic society may be useful

TomeTome · 27/04/2023 19:18

Nobody should be hitting anyone else.

why does he have a lock on his door?
why did you think hitting him was an option?

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