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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DD age 14, complicated abusive boyfriend age 17

113 replies

RillaBlythe · 27/04/2023 10:35

DD has had a boyfriend for the last 6 months who is 2.5 years older than her. We have been uncomfortable about this relationship but took the approach that it was better in the open than behind closed doors (regretting this now).

I have been concerned recently & took the step of looking through her phone. I found that they got together on a weekend away for their shared extra curricular activity, when they had what DD has told friends was non consensual sex. At this point the boy was 16, he is now 17. She didn’t want to go out with him as she didn’t fancy him, but ended up agreeing to date him. Over the last 6 months he has apparently cheated on her 7 times (I think this means sexting other girls including dick pics which he has also sent to her as I’ve seen it). She tells her friends she wants to break up with him but doesn’t know how to do it, he cries & threatens to kill himself if she does.

DD is not open to confiding in us at all- whenever I’ve asked about the relationship all questions are closed down. I know we need to take action but don’t know how to proceed. Would love advice and un Mumsnetty hugs.

OP posts:
MyLifeIsFullOfLemons · 27/04/2023 10:48

That is horrifying. My knee jerk reaction would be to screen shot that and contact the police!
I’m aware I do tend to act first think later though. What a worry for you, I hope someone will soon be along with some advice on how to protect your DD.

Original poster
RillaBlythe · 27/04/2023 11:35

I have thought about making a safeguarding referral but not sure if that’s the best approach.

OP posts:
SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 27/04/2023 21:20

I have absolutely no idea how to deal with this but just wanted to:

A. Send you a virtual hug, even if it is un-MN

B. Bump for the evening crowd.

Hopefully someone will be along soon who can help.

DoNotGiveMeHam · 27/04/2023 21:23

Oh OP, I'm sorry to hear this.

Is there any way you can talk to her?

savoycabbage · 27/04/2023 21:30

Non consensual sex!

Your child was raped. Call the police.

N4ish · 27/04/2023 21:32

That’s absolutely shocking! Would the school safe guarding team be good people to talk to? They should be able to point you in the direction of support.

Or is there a team in Women’s Aid who can advise on teenage abusive relationships?

Cinderellasfeatherduster · 27/04/2023 21:33

Hug. No advice but hope others are able to offer something. I’d be devastated to discover that.

msisfine · 27/04/2023 21:38

You would be perfectly within your rights to call the police as it's clearly sexual assault... BUT

We all know what the conviction rates are for this sort of crime, and you run the risk of alienating her. If I was her age, the last thing I'd want is to discuss this with strangers, never mind with the police. It's very tricky.

I don't have the answer, but letting her know that you know what's happened and that you don't judge her is a start. Supporting her in ditching this piece of shit is the main thing - let her know that the relationship is not normal and that the threats he is making are not her responsibility.

So difficult, I'm so sorry you and your DD are going through this x

ladycardamom · 27/04/2023 21:44

I think you are right not to jump in all guns blazing (although you likely want to). Phoning Women's Aid for professional advice sounds a good idea to start off with. I would think the first priority would empower her to break free of him, and that would require counselling for her to understand his manipulative behaviour. I know people say phone the police immediately, but that is traumatising for her, too, so professional guidance is needed. I probably wouldn't admit to reading her phone (yet).

BananaSpanner · 27/04/2023 21:44

Tell school, tell the police. Don’t worry about investigations and conviction rates, you’ll be getting ahead of yourself. If she doesn’t want to pursue a complaint, she will be listened to. Safeguarding will be their primary concern. It should be yours too. Take action now.

ArseMenagerie · 27/04/2023 21:49

I’d be calling the police. I know it seems a nuclear step but she’s been assaulted and you have proof.

HarrietSchulenberg · 27/04/2023 21:58

School will tell you to call the police, for both the non consensual sex and the pictures. It's in our KCSIE guidance. They can support you to do this. I have sat with several parents while they make the call, at their request - they may well do the same.
Your dd does need to feel she has control of this so I would advise you to discuss it with her first. She will probably not be happy about it but ask what she would advise a friend in her situation to do and she will know you're doing the right thing.

IDontWantToBeAPie · 27/04/2023 22:34

Tell her to tell you if he says he'll kill himself. Then you call the police and send them to his address.

That way he won't die if his pathetic manipulation is real and he'll probably be so embarrassed he never does it again.

You could also report to the police the fact that an of age boy has raped your under age child.

Boomboom22 · 27/04/2023 22:37

If he is also at her school def tell the school as they will talk to him about sending these kind of messages. Both kinds, the coercive kill myself and the dick pics. If he is not I'd still tell them but maybe tell his parents too? And only if your daughter wants, the police.

Boomboom22 · 27/04/2023 22:38

If the school then tell police or advise you to to your daughter it's not you. As its highly unlikely to go anywhere, but they are quite likely to have a word with him to stop harassing her.

Sundaefraise · 27/04/2023 22:40

I think I would approach the school safeguarding team. I wouldn’t go to the police without her knowing. I think that could add to her trauma and make her feel she cannot trust you, and she already might feel that her trust has been violated. To be clear, I don’t think you have done anything wrong, but she is at a sensitive age in a difficult situation. I’ve seen the Safeguarding team where I work deal brilliantly with extracting a girl from an abusive relationship, hopefully your daughter’s school can do the same.

Original poster
RillaBlythe · 28/04/2023 09:10

I’m really worried that whatever I do she will be angry and will cling to him. She is definitely attached to him at the same time as telling people she wants to leave him. I know I have to accept that for the greater good in the long term it’s going to be very difficult now.

I haven’t been able to talk to DH about it yet as my mum has been staying, hopefully going to be able to have a conversation tonight.

OP posts:
Starlitestarbright · 28/04/2023 09:14

Well he's committed a crime because she's underage and you have written proof she said it was not consensual. I think involving the police hopefully nip this in the bud. Also he's sending porngepahic imagines to a minor which is also a crime. He's committed 3 crimes already. I imagine the police would take this very seriously.

Starlitestarbright · 28/04/2023 09:15

Pornographic*

ooooofffff · 28/04/2023 09:19

I've been your daughter.

You need to get involved immediately and let her know she has your full support to get him out of her life. She will thank you for in the future.

I had no parental support and the relationship became horribly abusive and I stayed with him until I was 24.

I wasted all of my teenage years with a lowlife leech. That relationship coloured all my future relationships too.

I'd go in hard. Contact the parents. Block the relationship fully.

CrackerAndPudding · 28/04/2023 09:25

At 14 she has the right to decide if she wants to go to the police or not about being raped.

I think you need to sit her down and let her know what you have seen the messages and that you have to step in. I'd contact his parents and the school to advise of the abusive nature of the suicide threats, and let her know she needs to break it off. If she doesn't you will need to step in and break it off for her. I'd also absolutely support and encourage her to report to the police, but let her know that's down to her and you'll support her no matter what she decides on that count.

DRS1970 · 28/04/2023 09:33

I don't understand why you seem to be wrestling with what to do. I would report him to the police if he has sent dick pics to my daughter and had non consensual sex with her, which is rape, and she is also underage after all. The shock of having the police involved may act as a prompt to modify his behaviour, and prevent others becoming his victims. I know it is hard, but you have to be strong for your daughter.

Mischance · 28/04/2023 09:50

I understand your reticence to talk with your DD about this serious situation because it involves you admitting to a breach of trust by looking through her phone; and the possibility of alienating her, when communication is vital in this situation.

But ....... this is very serious. If she has truly been raped or sexually assaulted then you cannot ignore it. Of course we never know whether what a teenage girl is telling her mates is actually true - the need to gain kudos is paramount in their lives. If you blow it all into the open, she may be in the difficult situation of having to admit to having lied to her friends.

But there is no question that this needs action. I would start by speaking with your OH, then DD and then the school - they will know both the people involved, which is a bonus.

Such a difficult situation for you.

Lamelie · 28/04/2023 10:13

She’s crying out for you to parent her.
Who was supervising this extra curricula weekend away? Keep her at home. She’ll probably be relieved that she has the excuse of not seeing him.

Ringonrighthand · 28/04/2023 10:22

I think you need to tell her you have seen the messages, maybe write her a letter and leave it on her bed for her to read and explain that you were worried and scared for her and sorry for betraying her privacy but you are in it together and you will help her get through it, once she’s read the letter she will probably be very emotional and maybe ready to talk without having to say what happened as you already know. Then cuddles and tears together while you hope she opens up.

the dick pics you have evidence of and he’s sending to a minor so if nothing else you can report him for that. She probably feels at a loss and like she’s done something wrong. You can help her get her head around things and realise that she’s innocent and you can fight him together.

good luck OP, my daughter is 11 and I’m terrified for this next stage. What a minefield x

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