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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

DD age 14, complicated abusive boyfriend age 17

113 replies

RillaBlythe · 27/04/2023 10:35

DD has had a boyfriend for the last 6 months who is 2.5 years older than her. We have been uncomfortable about this relationship but took the approach that it was better in the open than behind closed doors (regretting this now).

I have been concerned recently & took the step of looking through her phone. I found that they got together on a weekend away for their shared extra curricular activity, when they had what DD has told friends was non consensual sex. At this point the boy was 16, he is now 17. She didn’t want to go out with him as she didn’t fancy him, but ended up agreeing to date him. Over the last 6 months he has apparently cheated on her 7 times (I think this means sexting other girls including dick pics which he has also sent to her as I’ve seen it). She tells her friends she wants to break up with him but doesn’t know how to do it, he cries & threatens to kill himself if she does.

DD is not open to confiding in us at all- whenever I’ve asked about the relationship all questions are closed down. I know we need to take action but don’t know how to proceed. Would love advice and un Mumsnetty hugs.

OP posts:

Roundandnour · 28/04/2023 11:25

*throw not through

Namechange10101010 · 28/04/2023 11:27

Rollergirl11 · 28/04/2023 11:13

I know his parents a little through the club so I have a line of communication with them and I will need to inform them as I need them to be aware of his mental health when we force this into the open (he is under CAMHS).

I strongly advise you not to speak to his parents. I’m sorry but I have to ask do you understand the severity of the situation? Your priority is your daughter, not him. Let the police contact his parents. You need to cut all contact with him and his family immediately for the safety of your daughter!!

This!

Police, school then let them deal with him. Don't give him or his parents a heads up.

Your daughter is your only focus, no phone and supervision to keep her safe to release his grip.

NoTouch · 28/04/2023 11:33

Absolutely do not speak to the parents. I understand your reasonings but your concerns are misplaced.

Take her phone to retain the evidence. Contact the police, you can share any concerns with them and let them advise you, they are experienced with these matters.

Quitelikeacatslife · 28/04/2023 11:35

Have you got screen shots of everything? Get them now whilst she is away and send to yourself

sadsack78 · 28/04/2023 11:40

I'm so sorry OP, for both you and your daughter.
You did the right thing trying to give her room at the beggining.
But this has now reached a stage where you go in hard, guns blazing.
She can never see this person again. You need to lay down the law. It's not going to be pretty, and she will get angry with you. But you need to be the adult here.

I would give different advice if she was 18 or 21 but she is very much a child and needs someone else to step in. You've let her do it her way for a while, and it has sadly come to this.

I would however say I am not necessarily pushing for you to make your daughter press charges following her sexual assault. She is very young and dealing with all of that could be more traumatizing and scary than is helpful. You need to be the judge of that.

But whatever happens, you need to get him the fuck away from your child. Even if it makes her upset.

Wishing you the best, OP. So many women go through this, and I am wishing you and your daughter strength and love.

CrackerAndPudding · 28/04/2023 11:41

@slowquickstep why have you quoted me? Is it because you agree with me that the OP needs to step in, break it off if her DD won't and speak to the school?

Or because I said that whilst the OP should support and encourage her daughter to report to the police, ultimately at 14 her daughter needs to want to do that? I speak from personal experience on that piece, and stand by that stance.

Rollergirl11 · 28/04/2023 11:47

@CrackerAndPudding I’m pretty sure that the school have a duty to report to the police even if the OP didn’t.

georgarina · 28/04/2023 11:47

She might be scared to tell you and relieved if she knows you know. She's 14 and she's been raped, it's not something to turn a blind eye to.

FirstnameSuesecondnamePerb · 28/04/2023 11:52

I think you absolutely need to intervene. I did similar when one of mine was 14.
She was utterly out of her depth. I started a conversation saying that I loved and supported her and was concerned that she was involved in something far too complicated for her to deal with on her own.
Critical to getting her on side was to absolutely promise not to tell her Dad any details. She did not want to go to the police (he was 16) and I agreed that was her choice. It was very hard indeed to agree but it did mean that she got the help she needed.
I messaged him and told him that I now understood the nature of the relationship, and would report what I knew if he ever contacted her again in any way, shape or form or if I heard any derogatory remarks etc. I took her phone and replaced the sim card with a new number and put parental controls back on.
It worked, she had counselling and is now an adult with a lovely boyfriend.

N4ish · 28/04/2023 11:55

There is absolutely no need for you to speak to his parents or to worry about his mental health. Your only responsibility here is to your daughter. Don't fall for manipulative threats about what he'll do if she dares to break up with him.

FirstnameSuesecondnamePerb · 28/04/2023 11:56

And just reading some other posters, yes ideal world would have gone the police route. But I did the right thing for DD I think. Let's face it, I doubt there would have been a conviction and would probably have made it worse for dd

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 28/04/2023 11:56

How the fuck have you let it get this far? Police. Now.

ShimmeringShirts · 28/04/2023 12:06

Break it down to the facts that you know.

1 - your daughter was raped
2 - you know who the rapist is, where he lives and when it happened
3 - you have the evidence to give to the police.

There is no “I’m scared this will happen” here. There is you stepping up, being her mother, getting the police involved and keeping your daughter as far away from the man that raped her as possible. How is there any question over this?

Beginningless · 28/04/2023 12:09

The fact he is under CAMHS is neither here nor there, I assume he has mental capacity? He has raped a child. I do understand your desire to tread carefully with your daughter but you need to show her that sexual assault is sexual assault, and his responsibility only. So if she says to you she wants to take no further action, will you go with this? I’d understand this approach if she was over 16 perhaps but she is not remotely mature enough to make these decisions herself. She needs to you to take charge and protect her.

MumLass · 28/04/2023 12:13

She's 14 OP! You should be climbing the walls with rage and trying to protect her. Never mind his mental health, his parents, whatever. JFC, you need to get her out of this situation right now.

Cliff1975 · 28/04/2023 12:14

I have a 14 year old daughter who has a boyfriend. He is the same age as her and I don't have the same concerns as you but I do appreciate how difficult this is. I know if I went through my daughters phone she would be furious, even though you have done this in her best interests. Instead I keep dialogue open with mu daughter and hope she shares things with me when she needs to (i know this is not likely to happen but there has to be some trust). I can understand why you want to take action but if you go to the police without her consent her trust could be lost forever. You have to let her know that you are there for her and hopefully one day she will come to you. So hard.

ShowUs · 28/04/2023 12:14

Do not tell her you went through her phone.
If she knows this she’ll never trust you again and he’ll use it as a way to control her even more.

I would focus on building up her confidence and trying to get her involved in as many extra curricular activities as possible (she’ll start having extra confidence as well as have less time for him).
You could look into the one that they share and find a really good one elsewhere and offer to pay for it/take her there and back.

Its easy to want to go in all guns blazing but this would be the worst thing you can do because it has to be her own decision.

I would think about telling her school and asking them to keep it confidential and pretend like you don’t know anything.

The positive thing is is that she wants to separate and has reached out to her friends for support - she is already half way there.

UnsureSchool32 · 28/04/2023 12:15

I wish you were angrier OP unless you are? He raped your daughter. He is a rapist. He is not your daughter’s boyfriend.

Take screenshots, tell the school, tell the police. Tell your daughter.

UnsureSchool32 · 28/04/2023 12:16

ShowUs · 28/04/2023 12:14

Do not tell her you went through her phone.
If she knows this she’ll never trust you again and he’ll use it as a way to control her even more.

Its easy to want to go in all guns blazing but this would be the worst thing you can do because it has to be her own decision.

I would think about telling her school and asking them to keep it confidential and pretend like you don’t know anything.

The positive thing is is that she wants to separate and has reached out to her friends for support - she is already half way there.

You think the school would keep confidential that a pupil of their’s has been raped?! Are you in gaga land?

UnsureSchool32 · 28/04/2023 12:17

This is RAPE!!!!! I can’t believe how much minimising is going on. OP you also need to organise some trauma therapy now for your daughter.

ShowUs · 28/04/2023 12:18

UnsureSchool32 · 28/04/2023 12:16

You think the school would keep confidential that a pupil of their’s has been raped?! Are you in gaga land?

Show quote history

No sorry keep it confidential as in that it was OP who told them as she went through her phone which would break her trust and push her further into his control.

CindersAgain · 28/04/2023 12:21

Take her phone and ground her, while you’re working out what to do.

Rollergirl11 · 28/04/2023 12:31

How you respond now also sends a very clear message to your daughter, OP. That this is not her fault. She has not done anything wrong. You are protecting her. What this disgusting predatory rapist has done to your daughter will have potentially life-long consequences for her. He has run roughshod over every single one of her boundaries and this will have shaped her idea of what relationships are. She will carry this trauma in to future relationships. You need to try and undo some of the damage. Please please protect your poor poor daughter by keeping her away from this person and reporting to the appropriate authorities.

Neighneigh · 28/04/2023 12:31

OP I think you've said she's away at the moment and you have her phone?

When she gets back do not give her the phone, sit her down and tell her that you have seen what's going on and their relationship is over. It may be a relief for her to have the decision taken out of her hands. Do as pp has said ; change SIM, limit access. And for Christ sake stop her going to whatever activity it is because they are not keeping her safe. Tbh they should be shut down. And (obviously) she is never to see his rapist again.

Before she gets back, contact school safeguarding and take their advice. Do NOT contact the boy, his family, or tell anybody whatsoever what's going on. Seek professional help in handling it - while your daughter might not agree or may be scared of repercussions she needs to be kept safe. And good luck, what an horrific thing to be going through, both of you.

GettingThereCharleyBear · 28/04/2023 12:33

Ignore all the “get your dh to beat him up” bullshit 🙄. I would definitely involve school in the first instance and get them to help you navigate the appropriate authorities.

I’m so sorry your DD is having to deal with this and won’t open up. It’s the stuff of nightmares 😢.

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