DD age 14, complicated abusive boyfriend age 17

[RillaBlythe]

DD has had a boyfriend for the last 6 months who is 2.5 years older than her. We have been uncomfortable about this relationship but took the approach that it was better in the open than behind closed doors (regretting this now).

I have been concerned recently & took the step of looking through her phone. I found that they got together on a weekend away for their shared extra curricular activity, when they had what DD has told friends was non consensual sex. At this point the boy was 16, he is now 17. She didn’t want to go out with him as she didn’t fancy him, but ended up agreeing to date him. Over the last 6 months he has apparently cheated on her 7 times (I think this means sexting other girls including dick pics which he has also sent to her as I’ve seen it). She tells her friends she wants to break up with him but doesn’t know how to do it, he cries & threatens to kill himself if she does.

DD is not open to confiding in us at all- whenever I’ve asked about the relationship all questions are closed down. I know we need to take action but don’t know how to proceed. Would love advice and un Mumsnetty hugs.

@RillaBlythe this is horrifying- your poor DD. It must have been such a shock for you to read those messages.

It does make sense to wait until your DD is back home. However, I think you need to have a clear plan of action. Your DD is a child and will need you to lead this and protect her. She may well say she doesn’t want you to do anything, but she needs to be protected.

please consider:

1. Making a report to the police (can you book an appointment in advance?)
2. Reporting in writing to her school safeguarding lead
3. Reporting in writing to his school’s safeguarding lead
4. Reporting to the club’s safeguarding lead
5. Put parental controls and monitoring back on all her internet/phone use for the time being
6. ask her to ‘block’ him

what I wouldn’t do is contact him or his parents. It may be that your DD does not want to agree to be a witness in any prosecution, but if she does choose to proceed, any contact you have with his family could affect the case.

This is not up to her to decide whether to go to the police. She isn’t old enough to consent to sex, she isn’t old enough to decide this I’m sorry. She needs someone to take the reins.
police. 100%

I do think people who are posting on here to tell the OP off and say how very simple the situation is should go back to watching daytime TV. Everything's so much easier now.

I strongly suggest you talk to professionals who work in this field and understand the processes and pitfalls, OP. I do, and so I feel I must warn you that some of the advice on here is so poor that if your daughter reports to the police, following some of the actions advised here could significantly damage the chance of a prosecution - or make the prosecution process even more traumatic than it already is.

Please consider contacting Rape Crisis and Women’s Aid ASAP. This is not a matter you should be seeking advice from likely unqualified strangers on. They no doubt mean well and can perhaps offer support and share their experiences - but when making decisions about how to proceed you should only be taking advice from those whom you can be certain know what they are talking about.

There’s nothing to ask. You know your underage Dd had sex with someone who is over the age of consent (and a few months away from being a legal adult). If this thread is real then you would go to the police today and give them your dd's phone for them to get evidence from. Most parents would do this without hesitation.

"This is not a matter you should be seeking advice from likely unqualified strangers on." Particularly unqualified strangers who appear to think they are in a episode of Eastenders. I am wholly unqualified but I am horrified by some to the advice being given.

Hope you have managed to speak to your DD @RillaBlythe and that you are all getting good advice and support from the appropriate authorities/resources at this really traumatic time. 💐

OP surely when she was away was the best time to deal with this so the police could take action to protect her whilst she is away and she misses any kicking off from him?

I am not laid back about this, I don’t know how someone is supposed to be perform being upset/angry on an Internet forum sufficient to satisfy certain posters. I have had a knot in my stomach since I read the messages & haven’t been able to sleep. I feel out of my depth & extremely anxious. I will be taking action but I won’t be taking action without talking to DD, & I want to use my waiting time to really think about our approach

I think how you've responded so far is admirable @RillaBlythe and none if can really know how we would react if we had to experience what you and your DD are.

Sorry to bring up an old post, what was the outcome after talking with your daughter about what’s been going on between her and this boy?

Hi, it’s difficult to summarise to be honest.

DD says all activity between them was consensual, police have wagged their finger at him due to the age gap. I hoped they would come down harder on him even though DD stepped back from what she had told her friends but they didn’t. DD is having a tough time, currently seeing a counsellor which I hope will help.

Hi Op
Hope counselling helps. We are almost three years in from a very similar situation and there is still fallout. Police were involved with similar outcome to yours but they did believe her. I think it has affected my daughter severely as well as the rest of the family. However the right counsellor can be a good thing for them to explore how they feel.
Good luck

My approach would be very simple.
Find out his birthday.
Doorstep him.
Job done.