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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

DD age 14, complicated abusive boyfriend age 17

113 replies

RillaBlythe · 27/04/2023 10:35

DD has had a boyfriend for the last 6 months who is 2.5 years older than her. We have been uncomfortable about this relationship but took the approach that it was better in the open than behind closed doors (regretting this now).

I have been concerned recently & took the step of looking through her phone. I found that they got together on a weekend away for their shared extra curricular activity, when they had what DD has told friends was non consensual sex. At this point the boy was 16, he is now 17. She didn’t want to go out with him as she didn’t fancy him, but ended up agreeing to date him. Over the last 6 months he has apparently cheated on her 7 times (I think this means sexting other girls including dick pics which he has also sent to her as I’ve seen it). She tells her friends she wants to break up with him but doesn’t know how to do it, he cries & threatens to kill himself if she does.

DD is not open to confiding in us at all- whenever I’ve asked about the relationship all questions are closed down. I know we need to take action but don’t know how to proceed. Would love advice and un Mumsnetty hugs.

OP posts:

Itsallaswizz · 28/04/2023 10:30

While I think 14 year old's are of course entitled to privacy, I think checking her phone periodically is not the same as, for e.g., reading her diary. Your instinct has been proved entirely correct and if it were me I think I would tell her that I had seen the contents of her phone. I'd also let her see how angry I was with him for thinking its ok to assault, threaten, coerce and cheat on her - how dare he?! This is completely unacceptable and she needs your support in making this clear to him and therefore to her. Is he at school with her? I think the school safeguarding team should know so that they can support her. As for the police, while she need to know that that is the 'proper' course of action, I would leave it to her to decide how to proceed on that one. Your poor daughter! What an absolute scumbag, I'm so sorry you've both experienced this.

coffeeiswgatkeepsmesane · 28/04/2023 10:34

Unfortunately this is not uncommon. Re non consensual sex, and I'm saying this to save a lot of stress later down the line if you report to police, for police to take action as a rape they need to prove that the boy believed that she wasn't consenting. If she consented at the time but regrets (which is very common with teenagers exploring sexual boundaries, I'm sure most of us had experiences as teenagers we regret) it then the charge would be sexual activity with a child.

However if that is the charge, given he is also a teenager, you're looking at a long police investigation, if he does get charged, another year at least before it gets to court, and he'll get a slap on the wrist if found guilty. I'm saying this as I've seen someone recently have a very similar experience, plus I know a lot of teachers who see this all the time with teenage students.

Quitelikeacatslife · 28/04/2023 10:35

Let her know you know, say you were looking for something else on her phone and read the messages. Apologise for that breach of trust but that what you read is serious and you want to help. That you'd like to reach out to school or maybe the police. She may think no one will believe her as that is what he will have told her. If she doesn't want to take that action then you could call rape crisis with her. If you stay really calm and let her realise she has options I'm sure she will let you in

slowquickstep · 28/04/2023 10:43

CrackerAndPudding · 28/04/2023 09:25

At 14 she has the right to decide if she wants to go to the police or not about being raped.

I think you need to sit her down and let her know what you have seen the messages and that you have to step in. I'd contact his parents and the school to advise of the abusive nature of the suicide threats, and let her know she needs to break it off. If she doesn't you will need to step in and break it off for her. I'd also absolutely support and encourage her to report to the police, but let her know that's down to her and you'll support her no matter what she decides on that count.

Really, this is a child in desperate need of an adult stepping in and taking control. She has been left in a situation that has led to this. Now she needs help

Roundandnour · 28/04/2023 10:44

If you don’t want her to know you’ve been snooping, contact the police anonymously either directly or through childline. Even of
you give your name they do keep sources secret.

One she’s been interviewed arrange some counselling for her. Rape crisis should have some names for child victims.

I would then contact the school to find out if they are using CEOP resources. Explain you have already reported the abuse, but you’re also concerned that the students might not know about exploitation and where to go. CEOP is free and as well as kids and schools, also has resources for adults. I’m mention this place because of the dick pics and possible online grooming.

PrincessHoneysuckle · 28/04/2023 10:53

Shes 14 you need ring the police or other suitable authorities.Shes underage so statutory rape and sadly looks like he's actually raped her too.
She might kick off or cry but this will pass.
Get this fucker away from your child.

My3cents1 · 28/04/2023 11:02

Call the police. She’s 14. She cannot consent to anything, she is underage. SHUT THIS SHIT DOWN!!

FrenchandSaunders · 28/04/2023 11:03

God this is awful, your poor family.
I'd want to go round his house and rip him a new one .... but I know that wouldn't help. His parents need to know though.
Talk to your DD and then let school know. Take their advice. You need to do whatever you possibly can to keep her well away from him.

BarkingDickHeads · 28/04/2023 11:06

WTF.

She's 14. Take her phone. Take her laptop. Take anything she could communicate with him.

Tell the school. Call the police.

Pick her up and drop her off at school. Dobt let her out until he is arrested.

I'm so shocked at how chill you are about this. He raped her!!

GuevarasBeret · 28/04/2023 11:06

I think you may find it useful to examine your own people pleasing tendencies.

for me the conversation would go.

Darling, as you know I have the right to see your phone if I feel it might be necessary
I have seen messages which clearly show criminal activity, and there needs to be an adult taking charge. That will be me.
I have already contacted the police and the school about this.
X is out of your life from now. Send him a message telling him that he is never ever to speak to you again, and that your parents have been to the police about his ridiculous sick pics
Let him know that you have notified the other parents of the other people he has sent sick pics too.
He can threaten suicide all he likes - no one cares when rapists die.

GuevarasBeret · 28/04/2023 11:07

Sick-pics = dick pics (although it might be a good autocorrect!)

Rollergirl11 · 28/04/2023 11:08

slowquickstep · 28/04/2023 10:43

Really, this is a child in desperate need of an adult stepping in and taking control. She has been left in a situation that has led to this. Now she needs help

Show quote history

Absolutely 100% this!

Now is not the time for nicey nicey treading gently and letting your 14yr old decide what happens. She will have no doubt been controlled and coerced by this boy and will be absolutely terrified. She needs her parents to step in right now and take immediate appropriate action. Which is getting in contact with the Head of Safeguarding a school and also the police. Take screenshots of everything!

Original poster

RillaBlythe · 28/04/2023 11:10

He isn’t at the same school although funnily enough (not funny) the weekend away was for a sports club they are both involved in & the safeguarding lead is a TA at my DD’s school.

I know his parents a little through the club so I have a line of communication with them and I will need to inform them as I need them to be aware of his mental health when we force this into the open (he is under CAMHS).

OP posts:

PortiasBiscuit · 28/04/2023 11:12

Personally I would collect my nephews, brother and BIL s and have them threaten to beat the shit out of the little toe rag.

Original poster

RillaBlythe · 28/04/2023 11:12

I am not chill about this but I know she is safe at the moment, she is away without a phone currently with school, & we have time to think about how best to support her.

OP posts:

FrenchandSaunders · 28/04/2023 11:13

Fuck his mental health, don’t worry about him. Let his parents know but don’t worry about his MH or threats.

user1492757084 · 28/04/2023 11:13

DH needs to visit and speak with the boyfriend and tell him to leave your daughter alone or you'll be calling the police. His parents need to know too so they can counsel him before he makes a right mess of his and others' lives.

Waiting just gives time for more to go wrong.

Been there done that. The damage is already bigger tha you think.

Rollergirl11 · 28/04/2023 11:13

I strongly advise you not to speak to his parents. I’m sorry but I have to ask do you understand the severity of the situation? Your priority is your daughter, not him. Let the police contact his parents. You need to cut all contact with him and his family immediately for the safety of your daughter!!

FrenchandSaunders · 28/04/2023 11:13

@PortiasBiscuit exactly what I would like to do but it wouldn’t end well for anyone.

user1492757084 · 28/04/2023 11:14

Or the post above - it is wondeful advice, especially if the young man is suicidal.

Madamecastafiore · 28/04/2023 11:15

No you don't need to be aware of his mental health, that's on his parents and professionals he deals with. You only need to be aware of your daughter and how this affects her mental health.

What if it happens again before you've promptly and adequately dealt with the situation. You'd be mortified that whilst your posting on Mumsnet and procrastinating about who to contact your daughter has yet again been assaulted or raped.

Ring the school then the police now. Keep your daughter safe above thinking about any effect this will have on a rapist.

Rollergirl11 · 28/04/2023 11:17

This is really really bad advice! Let the appropriate authorities handle it. This is a crime. OP and her DH need to concentrate solely on their daughter. Fuck the boyfriend and his “mental health”. They owe him nothing!

Quitelikeacatslife · 28/04/2023 11:20

So you ask for meeting with safeguarding lead at school and advise that they invite their employee who is TA and was in charge of safeguarding at the event and ask if they are going to invite police too?

Quitelikeacatslife · 28/04/2023 11:22

Also he's not her boyfriend he's her abuser and not up to you to protect him.
Get angry OP dig out your protective mother head and get on her side (but keep clam around DD)

Roundandnour · 28/04/2023 11:24

RillaBlythe · 28/04/2023 11:10

He isn’t at the same school although funnily enough (not funny) the weekend away was for a sports club they are both involved in & the safeguarding lead is a TA at my DD’s school.

Nope. You don’t have to inform them of anything. When the police knock on his door his parents can let them know his vulnerabilities. Whilst he is in custody his parents can arrange a lawyer they can let CAHMS know.

Informing them allows him time to through away his devices.

Treat him in the same way you would if you didn’t know him.

Your daughter should be your priority not her abuser

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