DD age 14, complicated abusive boyfriend age 17

[RillaBlythe]

DD has had a boyfriend for the last 6 months who is 2.5 years older than her. We have been uncomfortable about this relationship but took the approach that it was better in the open than behind closed doors (regretting this now).

I have been concerned recently & took the step of looking through her phone. I found that they got together on a weekend away for their shared extra curricular activity, when they had what DD has told friends was non consensual sex. At this point the boy was 16, he is now 17. She didn’t want to go out with him as she didn’t fancy him, but ended up agreeing to date him. Over the last 6 months he has apparently cheated on her 7 times (I think this means sexting other girls including dick pics which he has also sent to her as I’ve seen it). She tells her friends she wants to break up with him but doesn’t know how to do it, he cries & threatens to kill himself if she does.

DD is not open to confiding in us at all- whenever I’ve asked about the relationship all questions are closed down. I know we need to take action but don’t know how to proceed. Would love advice and un Mumsnetty hugs.

@RillaBlythe take photos of the texts (so you have these on your phone as evidence) and go to the police today. Your Dd is underage. Her bf is over the age of consent so consensual or not, he needs to be investigated by police. Don’t let him use his mental health issues as an excuse.

She is underage so it is your responsibility to act as a parent, not to try to minimise this.

If he forced her to have sex, you report him to the police.

You need to help your daughter have better boundaries and understanding what predatory men are/what they do and that this boy's behaviour is not OK.

You actually are also not doing the boy any favour by keeping quite: he is on way to be an abusive man/rapist in adult life...

Op doesn’t need to take pics of anything. Police have resources to go through devices. They need the originals as things can be edited.

All those saying it won’t lead to a conviction. You don’t know this.

People around me told me the same. Similar age to ops. Police took his devices. Other charges were made. He was given a minimum of 10 years. 13 years later his parole has been denied again. When/if he ever gets out he will also face a considerable time on the register.

In addition to all the other advice, you could join the freedom program at women's aid. Ask them if your DD can do the course twice, once with you for moral support because she's so young and once alone so she can speak freely without you hearing. It's 12wks 2hr/wk. At this stage she already knows you're not happy about her boyfriend so you can say that and also that you want to ensure she fully understands what a healthy relationship looks like. That's what the course is for (and it will open her eyes to abuse too). It will do her good to know where to go for non judgemental help from people who aren't emotionally involved and who won't make her do anything. As she shuts down conversation with you, if she gets upset at any point it might be better if you let the staff deal with it, perhaps she'll confide in them. Speak to the staff about how she shuts down conversation with you. Maybe she'll be more open to conversation if she can talk to you about what you've heard on the course and not going into details about her specific situation.

Contact the boys parents and tell them that their son has engaged in sex with a minor and that he is claiming to be suicidal.

let them know that you are reluctant to inform the police without daughters consent, but will not hesitate to do so if he does not steer clear of your child

So the OP shouldn’t take steps to protect her underage daughter from this near-man in case he’s suicidal?

Are you serious?

I saw this post yesterday when it first came up. Frankly I’m surprised it’s still here, I can’t quite believe how real this is, what parent wouldn’t go to the police about their 14yo DD being raped and then being forced to go out with her rapist because of his abusive coercive behaviour 🤷‍♀️

If this is real you are drastically failing your child op!

He has sent explicit images to an underage girl. That’s enough to get him away from her, sexual assault also. I’d definitely try to get some advice on how to approach next steps.

speak to your daughter too and see what she would like to happen next

I think in your place I’d go in strongly. I think women’s aid is a good idea, maybe see if she could attend a local support group for abused women… good if they are older than her, it might give her a jolt and see what is going on here is serious. Get in touch with the police and school safe guarding.

Perhaps even contact him to let him know that he needs to back away from your underage child and F-off out her life or he will be in for a very difficult ride.

If possible take her away for a few weeks sans-phone to get some perspective. Or keep her in for a bit (not sure how realistic that is at 14 tho!)

Your daughter might kick back in the short term but I think a strong approach that crowbars this waste of space out of her life is best in the long run.

Statutory rape isn't a thing in the UK

On a purely practicL level, @RillaBlythe do you know if they used condoms?

I think you should ring Women's Aid. In my experience they are a fabulous source of advice.

Because the parent wants to talk to their daughter first before taking action that relies on her speaking to police etc?!

She had yesterday evening to do that. I don’t know how OP can sit on this information for an entire day without doing anything. Actually blows my mind.

I'm stating to think it's not real now, OP hasn't been back and was just too laid back , however, there have been many other "oh well hey ho don't rock the boat" dont tell the police or school comments on here , that make me realise that girls really do still get told to shut up and get over it

@Quitelikeacatslife depressing isn’t it? 😓

DD is away! As I have mentioned in my posts.

Ahhh sorry OP. I read it as she was at school rather than away with school. When is she back?

She is back late Sunday. We will be able to talk to her on Monday.

I am not laid back about this, I don’t know how someone is supposed to be perform being upset/angry on an Internet forum sufficient to satisfy certain posters. I have had a knot in my stomach since I read the messages & haven’t been able to sleep. I feel out of my depth & extremely anxious. I will be taking action but I won’t be taking action without talking to DD, & I want to use my waiting time to really think about our approach.

Well OP you could have come back and said what you were thinking of doing. Ie talking to her when she got back then taking xyz action on board .
People have given you lots of advice like you asked for and are naturally upset and worried for your daughter (or any child) to be in this situation. I know it's an online forum but I can't be the only one who worries how they are getting on?

@RillaBlythe i apologise, I misread your post and it just seemed to me like you had your head in the sand a bit. Obviously you want to speak to your DD but the concern is the longer you wait without doing anything then more likely to run out of steam and perhaps minimise what has happened.

Have you spoken to anyone about this yet? This is a lot to shoulder on your own and it must be incredibly stressful for you.

I had a bad boyfriend at this age. My mum took us a road for a fortnight and by the time I got back he had his claws in someone else.

Granted there wasn't the smartphone problem we have now (I had a mobile back then but WiFi and EU data etc wasn't a thing then).

I know it's a bit of a dismissive thing to say but perhaps consider booking a family holiday somewhere with really crappy phone signal.

I wish my mum had talked to me about it more. Even indirectly. I'm a fierce feminist now in my 40s, and very independent, but as a 14 year old I didn't think I could say no, I didn't think I could dump someone successfully etc. I didn't have high standards for myself or know about emotional abuse, manipulative behaviour, etc. My mum didn't address the issue at all, even to say "You're amazing, you deserve more." It was the elephant in the room and I wish she'd given me a hug and told me she was worried about me.

I'd start sharing with her about different topics. Relationships. Controlling behaviour. Feminism. Having strong standards for yourself. Examples of men treating women well. Examples of friends ending relationships they weren't happy in. That kind of thing.

First of all big hugs 🤗 @RillaBlythe !!
I can see clearly why this is very difficult situation !
Been in this similar situation daughter was 15 nearly 16 !
And she did have consensual sex before her 16th bday which I clearly told the boyfriend from the start sex is a no no she’s underage !
I was livid when I found out and from that moment on I knew not to trust him !
I had to bite my tongue but let her know I was there for her in anything she wanted to tell me but had to take a huge step back because I didn’t want her being pushed to him anymore than she was !
it took 2 long years and many ups and downs with our relationship but in the end she saw him for what he was and I was there for her to pick up the pieces !
i know it’s not exactly like your situation but I do understand the dilemma u want shut of him but u don’t want to lose your daughters trust and relationship xxx

isnt it rape because of her age an older person who is legal with someone whose not?

I have a 14 year old dd. In your shoes op I would screenshot the messages then sit your dd down and tell her what you know. I would make sure she understands that i have nothing but sympathy for her situation, and i am not angry with her. I wouldn't force her to inform the school and the police, but I would strongly advise her to. And I would absolutely forbid her from seeing him again. If necessary I would make it a condition of not taking things any further. That would be my line in the sand, she no longer has any contact with him. She is only 14, an age when you can still restrict where she goes and what she does.

I don’t know why you think it’s complicated. It’s not.