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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Who is my daughter and how can I help without admitting I snooped!

150 replies

Midliffey · 19/04/2023 09:18

I know it is wrong, so no need to berate me for that. I was tidying her room (16) which she is happy I do and I found a box. I opened it. It was full of notes. I should have closed the box. I didnt.
First bj (16 on a bench) she does not have a boyfriend. First time trying weed, etc etc. She has also self harmed as she was in a toxic friendship group...
She struggles in school, is always angry, typical teen behaviour. I do talk to her, I thought we had an open relationship. She is opinionated and has told me pointedly that she would not do any of the above... I have said she can come to me if she needs to. etc but it looks like she has this other life. I am devastated. I thought she has esteem and it looks like she hasn't.
I do buy her alcohol when she is going to parties and pick her up etc and know and meet all her friends but now I do not know what to do. Have I been too easy? In the notes she does say "my mum will kill me if she knew about the weed" so she knows I am not relaxed.

I have not told her I breached her trust as that would be the end. How do I help her and talk to her about this.
I keep looking at her, thinking I do not know her and worry for her safety and self esteem etc.. What can I do?

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 19/04/2023 09:33

Hmm.

Well, I gave a BJ for the first time at 16 - it wasn’t on a park bench, thankfully, but sex is legal at 16 and so her being sexually active isn’t extraordinary. Ditto the weed, really, for me - you might feel differently and I can’t say I’d be thrilled to know my DC was experimenting but if she knows the dangers of drug use (and knows about safe sex and consent) and you’ve not been otherwise worried then I think perhaps ignorance is bliss and you should try to forget you know? I wouldn’t have wanted my mum to know either of these things, but we had a good relationship and I turned out OK.

The self harm would worry me most. Is she away from that friendship group now?

Self esteem is a tricky one. Even the most confident seeming teenagers aren’t deep-down sure of themselves. You sound like a good, supportive, engaged mum to a teenager. Soon she’ll be getting older and things will change again. You need to keep the communication open, and just be alert for any cues she needs more help, I guess.

Dogsandchocolaterule · 19/04/2023 09:50

She had given a Bj and smoked weed, so?

I smoked weed at 14 and was having sex at 16.

I'm a very nice person, got a degree, I'm married have a family and a professional job at senior management level. I don't regret any of my teenage choices they were great fun!! Smile

If my mum had read my diary (or private notes) I would be pissed off. She is being a normal teenager, you have invaded her privacy, don't mention anything, love her and carry on normally. She isn't doing anything wrong.

sarahsarahsara · 19/04/2023 09:59

My guess is don't directly mention it - just invest in ways to continue to have open non judgmental conversations, do activities together, make sure she feels she could come to you and make space for those kinds of conversations to be initiated by her. She's allowed her privacy, the important thing is she learns to make good decisions, to ask for help when she needs it and to know she's safe and loved with you. Love from a former teenage nightmare x

ApolloandDaphne · 19/04/2023 10:03

Teenagers always have another life that their parents don't know about. Didn't you? I did!

You know you shouldn't have looked but the best thing you can do is just bear in mind what you now know and be attuned to anything that may be amiss with your DD.

I once inadvertently read something my DD 2 wrote about how she felt about us as a family and it helped me to deal with things differently without her ever knowing.

Roundandnour · 19/04/2023 10:07

I wasn’t happy with someone else cleaning my room. I had to go along with it and pretend to be happy. One of the reasons was that I believed they were also snooping. I laid the trap and they fell for it hook line and sinker. They read my “diary” I was constantly putting in things I knew they would disapprove of. As their silence continued tje more outrageous it got until one day I was confronted.

AbsoIutelyLovely · 19/04/2023 10:13

My mum did this to me when I was 16 and I have never forgiven her. Even when she died a few months ago, I thought about how it really did destroy my trust in her.

You’re completely disrespected your relationship. Even at 16 what upset me the most was that my mum thought I was so unapproachable because I thought we were incredibly close and really didn’t deserve that - I was a good kid. Who also happened to like boys and weed.

Never EVER tell her and just slowly address the issues without dropppng your guard.

OrlandointheWilderness · 19/04/2023 10:20

I don't see much amiss here - sexual activity and playing with weed is par for the course. Everyone is entitled to privacy. I would carry on as normal, maintain your good relationship and keep an eye on possible self harming. Nothing on earth would induce me to tell her I'd snooped. And don't do it again!

Itwasnaeme · 19/04/2023 10:20

At least you're armed with knowledge now, OP, perhaps you can work out when or where the weed smoking is taking place and try to end that, at least.
What would a teen girl get out of the BJ in public situation? That is more worrying than her having sex with someone she really likes.
And things are different now - that BJ could easily have been filmed by one of his mates for example and shared around.

Itwasnaeme · 19/04/2023 10:23

Self harm isn't "par for the course" surely.
Maybe work on her self esteem and mental health in general, without saying why. And let her know she can tell you anything (if she thinks you'd kill her for the weed, she might not call you to pick her up if she's in trouble)

BumpyaDaisyevna · 19/04/2023 10:39

Hmm. Difficult.

My Dd is 14 and I'd hate to hear of her giving a BJ on a bench at any age.

However reality is this is what goes on. I did that kind of thing at parties and slept with men randomly. All of which I'd hate for my DD.

But when I think about it it was part of the learning process. It didn't scar me for life. It was part of a journey towards deciding at some point that actually I didn't really like casual sex and that I wanted to be in love with my lover.

So while I hope my Dd doesn't choose sexual situations that make her feel bad nonetheless if she does they won't kill her and she'll learn from them.

Hate the thought of it though. My little girl!

HorribleCow7 · 19/04/2023 10:43

OP I left home at 16 (I mean it wasn’t great) but I was free to work full time, live alone, I wasn’t under my mothers supervision anymore. It was very young, yes, but I think she’s getting older and whilst some of these events aren’t great, you can only guide her the right always without telling her you snooped. She’s a teen. I think we’ve all done stupid stuff.

quietnightmare · 19/04/2023 11:16

Do not tell her you snooped

Gently over the next few weeks drop into conversation about the weed and safe sex.

You could make a scenario up like ' I walked past some teens the other day I'm sure they were smoking weed, would you try it?' Just open the conversation up. Obviously do some research first give the danger of drugs talk casually and just say things like 'I'm nervous for teens smoking weed incase they got really sick from it if they smoke too much, how do they know their limits?' And things like 'I'm surprised they aren't worried meeting drug dealers to get it, they could have knives or be undercover police'.

Same goes for the safe sex talk assuming you've done the proper sit down and listen talk you could say things like 'have you heard about super gonorrhea apparently it's not just from sex but you can get it from oral too, that's blown my mind'

and ' teens these days have so much pressure on them to be sexually active cause of tv and social media in my day we didn't have that so much so we didn't feel much pressure and was easy to say no if we didn't feel any pressure'

and things like 'you know the gum clinic on 'X' road they give out free condoms, so glad people these days are taking safe sex seriously'

16 is such a hard age and too be fair although not ideal that she's done what she done on a bench and smoked some weed it's not that all unexpected

SoupDragon · 19/04/2023 11:18

quietnightmare · 19/04/2023 11:16

Do not tell her you snooped

Gently over the next few weeks drop into conversation about the weed and safe sex.

You could make a scenario up like ' I walked past some teens the other day I'm sure they were smoking weed, would you try it?' Just open the conversation up. Obviously do some research first give the danger of drugs talk casually and just say things like 'I'm nervous for teens smoking weed incase they got really sick from it if they smoke too much, how do they know their limits?' And things like 'I'm surprised they aren't worried meeting drug dealers to get it, they could have knives or be undercover police'.

Same goes for the safe sex talk assuming you've done the proper sit down and listen talk you could say things like 'have you heard about super gonorrhea apparently it's not just from sex but you can get it from oral too, that's blown my mind'

and ' teens these days have so much pressure on them to be sexually active cause of tv and social media in my day we didn't have that so much so we didn't feel much pressure and was easy to say no if we didn't feel any pressure'

and things like 'you know the gum clinic on 'X' road they give out free condoms, so glad people these days are taking safe sex seriously'

16 is such a hard age and too be fair although not ideal that she's done what she done on a bench and smoked some weed it's not that all unexpected

It will be obvious she has snooped if she says those things though.

I'm not sure there is an easy way round it.

quietnightmare · 19/04/2023 11:20

@SoupDragon
Ok hun

TheNachtzehrer · 19/04/2023 11:24

Honestly? Any attempt to engineer conversations about these things will make it obvious you snooped and will do way more harm than good.

Teenagers need to have a life their parents don't know everything about. You will have to make your peace with that one way or the other. All you can do is keep the channels of communication open, encourage a good relationship and self esteem, and remind yourself of all the shit you got up to that your parents didn't know about, how you would have reacted if they'd snooped or tried to stop you, and how you learned from it and turned out fine. And for the love of God, don't snoop again.

FrenchandSaunders · 19/04/2023 11:27

It's always a shock to find out our kids are growing up and experimenting with all this sort of stuff ...... but it is very normal.

Don't let on you've snooped, def don't! However, keep the lines of communication open.

Think back when you were a teen, our mums prob knew very little. I went to a catholic school, taught by nuns, went to mass on Sundays ..... my mum thought I'd wait until my wedding night for sex .... she had no idea what I was doing with my 15 year old boyfriend.

TheSnowyOwl · 19/04/2023 11:27

You don’t do anything. She will never forgive you for looking through her private writings and any attempt to try to discuss the matter will make it clear that’s exactly what you did.

suzyscat · 19/04/2023 11:32

She'll always be your baby and you will worry but that sounds like most of the kids in my school at that age tbh.

If she's no longer cutting then I wouldn't worry too much about the other stuff, you'll notice if she's stoned from now on and be able to keep an eye on it.

Climbles · 19/04/2023 11:37

Maybe if you demonstrated you were a bit more relaxed then she could talk to you. Trying weed and having sexual relations at 16 is very normal. The bench is a bit ick but teenagers don’t always have places to go. If you want a very open relationship where she can tell you stuff you need to be open minded. Otherwise her hiding things is normal and maybe preferable for both of you.

SilverBirchWithout · 19/04/2023 11:38

Your daughter is entitled to a private life, you have breached that trust.
I would certainly not wish to know the gory details of my child’s (or anyone I care about) intimate private life. You have to live with the consequences of snooping without ever letting you child know.
I’m in now my 60s, when I was 16 my father read my diary in which I described my sexual relationship with a bf, he didn’t tell me but discussed his worries with my much older sister. Many years later (after he had died) she told me (goodness knows why, but that’s another story) I still cringe with embarrassment and feel distressed/annoyed that he snooped and discussed with my Sister.
And yes I smoked weed, performed bjs and did other things that teenagers do when they experiment as they grow up. It hasn’t impacted my life!
Self-harming is unfortunately fairly common with teenagers so do be vigilant. However it sounds like you daughter has resolved the issues contributing to this behaviour having moved on from that friendship group.
Just be her mum, love her unconditionally and be there when she needs you.

Itwasnaeme · 19/04/2023 11:42

To read this thread you'd think that every single teenager smokes weed, and also suffers no adverse consequences from it. This isn't true.

Englebertstrousers · 19/04/2023 11:44

Whatever you do do NOT tell her you invaded her privacy, it will destroy her trust in you.

Shes 16..and all the things she was written about seem fairly tyoical…even the self harm unfortunately…which seems horribly endemic amongst my 18 year old and her peers.

be there for her, big her up as much as possible, let her know you accept her forherself and are proud of her/love her and that youre always there, no matter what.

16 is tough, self esteem seems to take a hit at that age. My dd was suicidal and self harming at that age (lots going on fir her at that time). I got her an excellent private therapist and attended sessions too when she asked so she knew i was 100% behind her. Shes now blossomed into an amazing and self confident young woman.

its tough for you to, but you’ve got this, because you clearly care. Hang in there.

Englebertstrousers · 19/04/2023 11:46

Most importantly…no more snooping. Shes allowed a private life and needs to be able to trust you!

steppemum · 19/04/2023 11:49

quietnightmare · 19/04/2023 11:20

@SoupDragon
Ok hun

😂😂

soupdragon is right. Subtle as a brick.
She'll know you've been snooping.

Beamur · 19/04/2023 11:50

TheNachtzehrer · 19/04/2023 11:24

Honestly? Any attempt to engineer conversations about these things will make it obvious you snooped and will do way more harm than good.

Teenagers need to have a life their parents don't know everything about. You will have to make your peace with that one way or the other. All you can do is keep the channels of communication open, encourage a good relationship and self esteem, and remind yourself of all the shit you got up to that your parents didn't know about, how you would have reacted if they'd snooped or tried to stop you, and how you learned from it and turned out fine. And for the love of God, don't snoop again.

The notes may also be a form of release, a good way to get thoughts out of her head and onto paper.
It's possible that they may not 100% be an accurate record. 16 is not an unusual age for sexual curiosity and for some teens, weed is everywhere. She knows you wouldn't approve so maybe there's a shred of rebellion in that act.
The self harm would bother me - is she still in that friendship dynamic?
It's not unusual to have a degree of secrecy from your parents and expecting your teen to truthfully tell you everything is a bit hopeful!
She's still the same person but maybe not quite as innocent as you thought.