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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Who is my daughter and how can I help without admitting I snooped!

150 replies

Midliffey · 19/04/2023 09:18

I know it is wrong, so no need to berate me for that. I was tidying her room (16) which she is happy I do and I found a box. I opened it. It was full of notes. I should have closed the box. I didnt.
First bj (16 on a bench) she does not have a boyfriend. First time trying weed, etc etc. She has also self harmed as she was in a toxic friendship group...
She struggles in school, is always angry, typical teen behaviour. I do talk to her, I thought we had an open relationship. She is opinionated and has told me pointedly that she would not do any of the above... I have said she can come to me if she needs to. etc but it looks like she has this other life. I am devastated. I thought she has esteem and it looks like she hasn't.
I do buy her alcohol when she is going to parties and pick her up etc and know and meet all her friends but now I do not know what to do. Have I been too easy? In the notes she does say "my mum will kill me if she knew about the weed" so she knows I am not relaxed.

I have not told her I breached her trust as that would be the end. How do I help her and talk to her about this.
I keep looking at her, thinking I do not know her and worry for her safety and self esteem etc.. What can I do?

OP posts:

AlexisR · 19/04/2023 13:10

My mum did this to me when I was 16 and I have never forgiven her.

This. You absolutely can't confront her and in future, close that box and don't go snooping through her stuff.

Work on having honest, open, trustful conversations with her that make her feel that she can be more open with you.

If you've made it clear to her that you are not tolerant of weed then of course she isn't going to tell you about it. Why on earth would she?

At the end of the day, you can either have an open relationship where she talks to you about this stuff, or you can be strict and opinionated about drugs and sex and all the other things normal teenagers do.

You can't have it both ways.

Stuckinacircle · 19/04/2023 13:16

Yes you shouldn't have snooped but its done now. Be thankful its not worse. You can't mention any of it. Ever. She will definitely realise then you're trust will be broken forever. Like others have said think back to when you were ghat age but also realise that sadly teenagers are more advanced in their behaviour than when you were that age. You can't police them 24/7 you can other be there when they come to you for advice etc. Don't take that opportunity away.

readbooksdrinktea · 19/04/2023 13:17

TheSnowyOwl · 19/04/2023 11:27

You don’t do anything. She will never forgive you for looking through her private writings and any attempt to try to discuss the matter will make it clear that’s exactly what you did.

This. Don't say anything. Don't engineer conversations. Do keep out of her stuff. It was a closed box. Some privacy should be allowed at 16!

Lillith111 · 19/04/2023 13:22

Whilst I agree the self harm is concerning you do know you can have esteem and give blowjobs? I admit the bench isn't great but it doesn't mean she's less than. And never let her know you snooped you'll lose her trust forever. Just let her know you're here for her if she does want to talk without judgement.

5128gap · 19/04/2023 13:27

Well for a start OP, you really shouldn't make the mistake of forcing yourself into cool mum mode and pretending to be ok with things you're not.
If you think giving BJs on a park bench is not the best idea for a 16 year old girl (and context is everything, and could range from enthusiastic mutual pleasure to peer pressure and exploitation) and you consider you have valid reasons for that opinion, there's no law saying you have to validate that, either to her or in your own head.
As for the weed, people so cool with it on here have no real idea what she's smoking, the strength or strain, or how likely it will be to mess up her personal MH. Everyone's different, but your DD is pretty fragile already which isn't a great starting point.
At 16 you as the parent still have the right (indeed obligation) to inform advise and guide. Saying it's what teens do, is frankly just a lazy way to avoid stepping up, rocking the boat and revealing yourself to be 'uncool' (horrors!)
In your shoes I'd find a way to bring up the weed at least, tell her you think you can smell it maybe? Then at a minimum make sure she has accurate information to assess her risk. I'd also not be shy in telling her you don't approve when you don't, backed up with any fact based reasons for your views. It might not win you the 'mums my best mate award', but its your job nonetheless.

Lillith111 · 19/04/2023 13:29

@5128gap she can't do that without admitting she snooped. Which will lose her daughters trust forever and won't lead to a productive conversation. It was really wrong of her to read her daughters things which I'm sure OP knows but admitting it will make it worse

diflasu · 19/04/2023 13:30

Justalittlebitduckling · 19/04/2023 12:56

Everyone seems very laid back on this thread. Surely we can admit it’s not ideal
to give a BJ on a park bench at any age and that’s not what we would ideally hope our 16 year old DC would be up to? I think OP is right to be concerned about her DD.

I can certainly see why OP is concerned - but don't see how she can raise it without admitting to snooping and damaging her relationship with her DD.

Making sure DD know how she can see a GP - and making sure OP has had contraceptive/risk talks with her DD and more general drugs talks - but OP will have to be very careful now that it doesn't look prompted.

It is possible none of it is true as well.

I grew up in a household were I never had any sense of my privacy being respected- so try and stay out my teens rooms - they still occasionally moan and have suspicions -unfounded -that I've looked round. My parents are very opinionated about my life - which is very boring really - so I'm careful even now what they are told but as a teen I think it was very damaging to feel so supervised and controlled and it didn't set me up well for University and later life either.

BellatrixLestrangesHeatedCurlers · 19/04/2023 13:32

oh lord whatever you do, don't follow quietnightmare's "how do you do fellow kids" advice.

If she is self-harming still then it's very difficult and unfortunately you will probably have to wait for her to come to you. You just have to be open and relaxed and reinforce the fact you're always there for her. The (consensual I hope) sex and drugs stuff is part and parcel of most teen experiences - if she was stealing to get cash for drugs then yes it's a problem, a cheeky joint in a park isn't.

LetsStartFromScratch · 19/04/2023 13:34

I won't check my kids rooms. I may not like what I find and it will make me very anxious. Ignorance is bliss!!!! They know I'm here if they want to talk x

Doingmybest12 · 19/04/2023 13:35

I was wondering if this was true or not. I would look at what you see evidence of in her health and demeanour and go with that. You can't unsee what you've seen but you can just use it as a bit of inside knowledge and continue as normal. Perhaps get her to do her room and try and stay balanced about this.

BellatrixLestrangesHeatedCurlers · 19/04/2023 13:37

Justalittlebitduckling · 19/04/2023 12:56

There's being concerned for safety, and there's being in a moral panic over a consenting person committing a sexual act, which are two different things. I agree it is grim to think of someone you care about doing that because we want them to experience love and worthiness instead of a throwaway act in a public place. I also suspect a lot of us would struggle to stay calm but at the same time - although it's not ideal, it's not life-ruining.

5128gap · 19/04/2023 13:38

Lillith111 · 19/04/2023 13:29

As I said, she needs to find a way to raise it. Tell her she thought she caught a whiff of weed and has she been smoking it or some such. The BJ is probably not something she can bring up with her directly, there are other ways to take opportunities to talk about the important stuff around that, like consent, confidence to refuse to do stuff you don't want to etc.

ModeWeasel · 19/04/2023 13:40

I read a book Go Ask Alice as a teen and it really put me off drugs. Maybe a copy might appear in your house?

mamnotmum · 19/04/2023 13:41

I really don't think you should be worried about those things. They are normal teenage things to do. Id not admit you snooped and not mention it.

whatchaos · 19/04/2023 13:42

I'd say you sound like a good mum, you know it was wrong to snoop but it's very very tempting as we all want to keep our kids safe and learn more about them at a time that they're developing their own lives, it's the most basic instinct.

I think as others have said - keep the lines of communication open, make sure home is a supportive and private space, make sure she has time with you and fun with you.

Millions of 16 year olds smoke weed - it's not great, but obviously pretty common. I'd spend some time considering how best to talk to her about it so you can be as confident as you can be that she makes good choices for herself about that and everything else.

Maybe read about self esteem and how to develop it and then continue to encourage and guide her.

Don't tell her you snooped, and try to avoid the temptation to do so again. Don't be too devastated, your daughter sounds like a relatively typical teen, these can be the most challenging years in the parent-child relationship. Adolescence is tricky for most people, and she and you will get through it like millions have before.

Roundandnour · 19/04/2023 13:44

SixPurpleChairs · 19/04/2023 12:28

Thus is brilliant. Did you ever tell them?

Show quote history

Yea I did when I was confronted.
I knew before then they had definitely read it. Odd looks. The occasional about something they’d read but in the guise of someone else/seen on a program type of thing.

No idea how I kept a straight face until the day came and they told me out right they read it, and lots of name calling and judgements about what I was doing. How dare I call them names in the book.

Ot was sad really that they have such little value of me that not only did they look, they didn’t have any trust in me to make the right choices. The fuck ups I did not only did it not go into that diary I never spoke about because I knew what the outcome would be.

RobinaHood · 19/04/2023 13:46

The thing is, it's not average teen behaviour. Posters talking about when they were teens are missing that the landscape has changed completely for teens today. Not just with social media, revenge porn, etc but also they're having sex later than previous generations. Weed isn't commonplace. Self harm is always a cause for concern.

I agree that you can't tell her you read her notes. You also can't be sure they're true. Just be more aware of her behaviour, friend group, etc. If there is another adult in the family that she trusts, maybe ask them to check in with her. Don't share with them what you have read.

Eggsley · 19/04/2023 13:50

Do not admit you have snooped and don't do it again! If you admit it and try to talk to her about it, your relationship will never be the same.

My mum read my diary when I was 13, which included details of my first kiss, which I had exaggerated. Not only did she confront me about it, she would not believe that some of the details were exaggerated. She also then ripped the pages she didn't like out and threw them away. We have a good-ish relationship now (nearly 30 years on), but I have never forgiven her for it and will never forget the absolute shame and humiliation I felt when she "discussed" it with me, as well as the anger that I had no privacy.

Cordeliathecat · 19/04/2023 13:51

The only thing in that list that would worry me is the self harming.

I have a daughter who currently tells me everything but I hope she grows out of it a little by the time she is 16 and and giving bj’s as I don’t want that level of information!

Put the notes out of your mind, try to not be too strict and let her know that you are always there for her without judgement. Just continue to build your bond with her as she moves into young adulthood would be my advice so that she comes and talks to you when things get tough as opposed to resorting to self-harm.

Roundandnour · 19/04/2023 13:51

Of course weed is still common place.
didn’t you hear Starmer bleat on about it a few weeks ago? Lots of judgements about it whilst forgetting it can be legally bought for medical reasons.

Then there’s the cbd stuff. Looks and smell the same, cheaper and has very little thc in it.

Fleebeee · 19/04/2023 13:53

My Mum did this to me when I was about 13. Luckily there was no sex or drugs…yet but I never forgave her. I also burned all of my childhood diaries as I was so embarrassed. I really regret that now.

Don’t tell her.

Creepyrosemary · 19/04/2023 13:53

I had sex young and smoked weed as a teen. It was just teenage experimenting. I'm now a typical middle class mum, haven't touched drugs (or alcohol for that matter) for decades. We live a very tidy and presentable life.

I'd be more concerned about her mental health and try to boost that.

JazbayGrapes · 19/04/2023 13:54

Maybe she wanted you to find the notes and read them?

Shannith · 19/04/2023 13:54

My mum did this to me when I was about 15/16. I've never fully forgiven her.

I was just being a normal teen. As is your daughter. Do not bring it up or you'll lose her.

pickledandpuzzled · 19/04/2023 13:58

Two things-
her behaviour is normal, though possibly not ideal.
Your behaviour is normal, though not ideal.

You can't expect to know your 16 yr old, it's the very point of being 16. She has to separate from you, even more so if you are close. Psychologically she has to do stuff you won't like, and not tell you about it. How else can she prove to herself that she is an emerging adult, her own person, ready to establish her own life?

You are being transformed into an internal voice that advises her how to behave and how to feel, and she then gets to decide whether to listen.

My mother's internal voice was an absolute nightmare and took me years to shake off!

It sounds like things are more or less ok for you and your DD. Keep being someone she can talk to IF SHE WANTS to.

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