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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Who is my daughter and how can I help without admitting I snooped!

150 replies

Midliffey · 19/04/2023 09:18

I know it is wrong, so no need to berate me for that. I was tidying her room (16) which she is happy I do and I found a box. I opened it. It was full of notes. I should have closed the box. I didnt.
First bj (16 on a bench) she does not have a boyfriend. First time trying weed, etc etc. She has also self harmed as she was in a toxic friendship group...
She struggles in school, is always angry, typical teen behaviour. I do talk to her, I thought we had an open relationship. She is opinionated and has told me pointedly that she would not do any of the above... I have said she can come to me if she needs to. etc but it looks like she has this other life. I am devastated. I thought she has esteem and it looks like she hasn't.
I do buy her alcohol when she is going to parties and pick her up etc and know and meet all her friends but now I do not know what to do. Have I been too easy? In the notes she does say "my mum will kill me if she knew about the weed" so she knows I am not relaxed.

I have not told her I breached her trust as that would be the end. How do I help her and talk to her about this.
I keep looking at her, thinking I do not know her and worry for her safety and self esteem etc.. What can I do?

OP posts:
SaturdayGiraffe · 19/04/2023 14:59

Not sure why people are saying it's all fine, when she's been self harming?
How is that fine?

JusthereforXmas · 19/04/2023 15:00

RobinaHood · 19/04/2023 14:06

Weed isn't commonplace for 16-yr-old girls. Less than a third of girls will have tried any drugs at all by age 16 (stats from NHS 2022).
Yy posters on here might have had peers that took drugs or might have done so themselves but the majority of teens now aren't doing it. And it's not that odd that a parent would prefer if their DD was in the 70% not taking drugs rather than in the 30% that are. Latest research out of the US also raises concerns about how weed impacts female fertility and about massively increased susceptibility to psychotic illness.

Less that a third ADMIT TO AN ADULT IN A POSITION OF POWER LIKE A TEACHER, DOCTOR OR PARENT WHO WILL SUBMIT IT TO A SURVEY that they have tried weed.

Fixed it for you. No one is shouting about it to their parents/doctors lol.

OldFan · 19/04/2023 15:02

It should be illegal and if it isn't it's definitely not a good idea if you're concerned about a young person's mental health and life experiences that they are having.

DizzyRascal · 19/04/2023 15:21

I would be worried by the self harming. I would also somehow try to instill the idea that sexual activity should be pleasurable for both parties. And really, doing it in public is very very foolish these days. It's not 1996 anymore.

AP5Diva · 19/04/2023 15:40

“I am devastated. I thought she has esteem and it looks like she hasn't. “

Why are you devastated and why do you think she has no [self] esteem? A bj and weed at 16 is pretty normal. The self harming isn’t normal but am I right in reading it as you saying that is in the past now?

“she does say "my mum will kill me if she knew about the weed" so she knows I am not relaxed.”

If you’re judgemental and harsh about weed and sex at 16, then she can’t really go to you with anything. Is there any truth to her fear of talking to you?

I would not engineer any conversations, or admit to snooping. You have to pretend you never saw those notes and you cannot ever snoop again.

AP5Diva · 19/04/2023 15:44

JusthereforXmas · 19/04/2023 15:00

Less that a third ADMIT TO AN ADULT IN A POSITION OF POWER LIKE A TEACHER, DOCTOR OR PARENT WHO WILL SUBMIT IT TO A SURVEY that they have tried weed.

Fixed it for you. No one is shouting about it to their parents/doctors lol.

Show quote history

I distinctly remember lying on those surveys as a young teen. I said I was a virgin, had never smoked weed or tried class A drugs, had never drank alcohol, had never shoplifted, etc. I was convinced the surveys were not anonymous, that it was a trick and that my parents would end up getting a visit from the local constable if I confessed to anything.

quietnightmare · 19/04/2023 15:49

@memoire
Hope you get the support you need for your mother issues. Stay strong

memoire · 19/04/2023 16:23

@quietnightmare 🤣🤣 no mother issues, no worries! She's a brilliant human being. Subtlety/self awareness is not at all her strong suit though.

So I thought it was kind of that poster (and many others) to let you know nicely that dropping in convoluted references to drug dealers, super gonorrhoea and free condom clinics is incredibly transparent. Just in case "casual mentions" are a tactic you use in daily life with others. No need to lash out at them

memoire · 19/04/2023 16:24

No need to lash out at that poster I mean

Twinsmummy1812 · 19/04/2023 16:57

quietnightmare · 19/04/2023 11:16

Do not tell her you snooped

Gently over the next few weeks drop into conversation about the weed and safe sex.

You could make a scenario up like ' I walked past some teens the other day I'm sure they were smoking weed, would you try it?' Just open the conversation up. Obviously do some research first give the danger of drugs talk casually and just say things like 'I'm nervous for teens smoking weed incase they got really sick from it if they smoke too much, how do they know their limits?' And things like 'I'm surprised they aren't worried meeting drug dealers to get it, they could have knives or be undercover police'.

Same goes for the safe sex talk assuming you've done the proper sit down and listen talk you could say things like 'have you heard about super gonorrhea apparently it's not just from sex but you can get it from oral too, that's blown my mind'

and ' teens these days have so much pressure on them to be sexually active cause of tv and social media in my day we didn't have that so much so we didn't feel much pressure and was easy to say no if we didn't feel any pressure'

and things like 'you know the gum clinic on 'X' road they give out free condoms, so glad people these days are taking safe sex seriously'

16 is such a hard age and too be fair although not ideal that she's done what she done on a bench and smoked some weed it's not that all unexpected

Yes this is what I would do. Talk in the abstract, ie something you have read, seen, heard of, a friends/colleagues child etc and you would hope that if she (your daughter) ever had any worries or questions or felt out of control she could come to you or her dad with no judgements or concerns about retribution. It’s really all you can do unless you are seriously worried about self harm?

Whataretheodds · 19/04/2023 17:00

Just love her. Do things with her. Allow silences. Tell her how loved she is.

forgotmyusername1 · 19/04/2023 17:11

maybe you could say something like

' when I was 16 I did stuff that I could never tell my mum about but I want you to know that if you want to talk to me about anything then I am here and will listen without judgement'

PrettyMaybug · 19/04/2023 18:20
Hmm
quietnightmare · 19/04/2023 20:50

memoire · 19/04/2023 16:23

@quietnightmare 🤣🤣 no mother issues, no worries! She's a brilliant human being. Subtlety/self awareness is not at all her strong suit though.

So I thought it was kind of that poster (and many others) to let you know nicely that dropping in convoluted references to drug dealers, super gonorrhoea and free condom clinics is incredibly transparent. Just in case "casual mentions" are a tactic you use in daily life with others. No need to lash out at them

Oh bless you glad you have changed your mind and like you mum now. good luck 👍

Itwasnaeme · 19/04/2023 20:54

Lots of posters here who tried a bit of weed as a teen and came to no harm.. bit of a self-selecting group though, isn't it? People who tried weed and then ended up with psychological damage from it, or went on to other drugs and became addicted, aren't likely to be posting on mumsnet about it.

thelionthewitchtheaudacityofTHISbitch · 19/04/2023 22:20

Nounoufgs · 19/04/2023 12:49

What you can do:-

Have her back at all times
Make home a sanctuary away from all the stresses
Never tell her you know but offer to talk.

I found out something sad about a friend’s teenager and it made me feel sorry for them - as it was humiliating. I will never mention it, they NEED people who aren’t aware of their shame and don’t look at them differently. Every teen has an embarrassing story or two:- it’s a time of experimentation and peer pressure.

Modelling a happy, secure, balanced family life and letting them know your door is always open is the way.

This is how I feel even with my own teenager. I have their back. I know some stuff because I challenge and we talk. Its Ok. But I do also snoop (with mine) if I can. Why? So I am best informed as a parent.

I was grateful when another parent called me to let me know that mine had done something silly. I discussed it with mine - they were puzzled but how I handled it meant that they worked out for themselves why I and the other parent might have been concerned. I was grateful to the other parent and would support other young people in the same way.

McSlowburn · 19/04/2023 23:17

Dogsandchocolaterule · 19/04/2023 09:50

She had given a Bj and smoked weed, so?

I smoked weed at 14 and was having sex at 16.

I'm a very nice person, got a degree, I'm married have a family and a professional job at senior management level. I don't regret any of my teenage choices they were great fun!! Smile

If my mum had read my diary (or private notes) I would be pissed off. She is being a normal teenager, you have invaded her privacy, don't mention anything, love her and carry on normally. She isn't doing anything wrong.

This, I'm afraid.

memoire · 20/04/2023 00:00

quietnightmare · 19/04/2023 20:50

Oh bless you glad you have changed your mind and like you mum now. good luck 👍

Show quote history

Huh? You can like someone who has no emotional intelligence lol. They can have many other great traits, like being funny, clever and kind. You seem quite rigid and angry for some reason

Original poster
Midliffey · 20/04/2023 09:26

Thank you so much for your really helpful replies. I understand that it is common (was not for me and I do not think any of my friends daughters do the same.. but I did not think mine did!). I have decided to just act as I always do. Show her love and patience. I think she does feel she can talk as she often says " a friend of mine... insert story here.. or what would you do it..." I talk openly about consent and enjoyment being two way etc. I think the best advice has been to forget I saw the notes and keep the space safe and supportive. I do worry though.... I just want her to be happy with her choices. Thank you again. I will close the thread now.

OP posts:
ThereIsTooMuchConfusion · 20/04/2023 18:05

TheNachtzehrer · 19/04/2023 11:24

Honestly? Any attempt to engineer conversations about these things will make it obvious you snooped and will do way more harm than good.

Teenagers need to have a life their parents don't know everything about. You will have to make your peace with that one way or the other. All you can do is keep the channels of communication open, encourage a good relationship and self esteem, and remind yourself of all the shit you got up to that your parents didn't know about, how you would have reacted if they'd snooped or tried to stop you, and how you learned from it and turned out fine. And for the love of God, don't snoop again.

This!

I haven’t read this while thread but I really learned the hard way that teens will keep things from us. I have a wonderful relations with both my daughters but both have kept stuff from me and I learned the more you peel back they have to hide the next thing. Just keep those communications open as this poster says.

H007 · 20/04/2023 18:14

Do not tell her. The only person in the wrong here is you! You have betrayed her trust, now you just have to live with that!

Ladyfrog59 · 20/04/2023 18:18

You buy her alcohol what sort of parent are you?

InSpainTheRain · 20/04/2023 18:29

Maybe they are not entirely true - you'll never know because you can't tell her you broke her trust. You're going to worry but I think you have to continue as you were and just be supportive. But no way would I be buying her alcohol for parties at 16 that only gives her permission to get drunk.

ginlovingqueen · 20/04/2023 18:30

She sounds like a normal 16 year old. Apart from the harming but if that was a one off.

Maybe tell her not write down any secrets because you're a nosy mum who cannot help over step boundaries and invade her privacy?

restingbitchface30 · 20/04/2023 18:39

She will be fine. I smoked weed at 17 and gave my first (disastrous) bj, also on a park bench at 16. Because I was young and dumb! Like we all were. I’m now 37 and doing ok, I think.

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