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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Who is my daughter and how can I help without admitting I snooped!

150 replies

Midliffey · 19/04/2023 09:18

I know it is wrong, so no need to berate me for that. I was tidying her room (16) which she is happy I do and I found a box. I opened it. It was full of notes. I should have closed the box. I didnt.
First bj (16 on a bench) she does not have a boyfriend. First time trying weed, etc etc. She has also self harmed as she was in a toxic friendship group...
She struggles in school, is always angry, typical teen behaviour. I do talk to her, I thought we had an open relationship. She is opinionated and has told me pointedly that she would not do any of the above... I have said she can come to me if she needs to. etc but it looks like she has this other life. I am devastated. I thought she has esteem and it looks like she hasn't.
I do buy her alcohol when she is going to parties and pick her up etc and know and meet all her friends but now I do not know what to do. Have I been too easy? In the notes she does say "my mum will kill me if she knew about the weed" so she knows I am not relaxed.

I have not told her I breached her trust as that would be the end. How do I help her and talk to her about this.
I keep looking at her, thinking I do not know her and worry for her safety and self esteem etc.. What can I do?

OP posts:
CatchYouOnTheFlippetyFlop · 19/04/2023 11:51

I was shagging and taking e's at 16.

My mum gave me ALL the best advice in the world. I had no mental health or friend, or self-esteem issues.

I was just a bit of a rebellious teen. I had an amazing relationship with my mum (still do). In front of my mum and dad, I was well behaved, good in school etc.,

What I'm saying is that you can give her advice until you are blue in the face, but it doesn't mean she will take it on board.

Definitely do not let her know you have snooped. But I would somehow bring up the safe sex element.

postwarbulge · 19/04/2023 11:54

This reply has been deleted

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Ollifer · 19/04/2023 11:55

quietnightmare · 19/04/2023 11:16

Do not tell her you snooped

Gently over the next few weeks drop into conversation about the weed and safe sex.

You could make a scenario up like ' I walked past some teens the other day I'm sure they were smoking weed, would you try it?' Just open the conversation up. Obviously do some research first give the danger of drugs talk casually and just say things like 'I'm nervous for teens smoking weed incase they got really sick from it if they smoke too much, how do they know their limits?' And things like 'I'm surprised they aren't worried meeting drug dealers to get it, they could have knives or be undercover police'.

Same goes for the safe sex talk assuming you've done the proper sit down and listen talk you could say things like 'have you heard about super gonorrhea apparently it's not just from sex but you can get it from oral too, that's blown my mind'

and ' teens these days have so much pressure on them to be sexually active cause of tv and social media in my day we didn't have that so much so we didn't feel much pressure and was easy to say no if we didn't feel any pressure'

and things like 'you know the gum clinic on 'X' road they give out free condoms, so glad people these days are taking safe sex seriously'

16 is such a hard age and too be fair although not ideal that she's done what she done on a bench and smoked some weed it's not that all unexpected

I wouldn't have listened to my parents saying things like that at 16. Also it's a little suss if the op suddenly started talking about all the things that have been written in the diary.

ModestMoon · 19/04/2023 11:58

I think it's a shame that you link sexual experimentation and drug use with a lack of esteem. Those things do not show that she lacks esteem or self respect, they show that she's experimenting with more adult ways of passing the time. I did all of those things at 16, was happy, had bags of confidence. It's only a problem if she's being coerced into these things due to her lack of self esteem, but it doesn't sound like that's the case. Also real life isn't Ginny and Georgia, most teens don't come home and say "mum I gave so and so a BJ today".

memoire · 19/04/2023 12:03

quietnightmare · 19/04/2023 11:20

@SoupDragon
Ok hun

It was polite of her to tell you that strategy doesn't work! Your suggestion sounds like what my mother (a woman with 0% emotional intelligence, though she fancies otherwise) would pat herself obliviously on the back on haha

SoupDragon · 19/04/2023 12:13

quietnightmare · 19/04/2023 11:20

@SoupDragon
Ok hun

Eh?

Helenahandkart · 19/04/2023 12:21

My mum used to snoop through my things, including opening my post. Even after I left home, in my late 20s, she would go through my bags. I once hid something from her in the lining of my suitcase (not drugs, stuff related to my dad who she was separating from) because I knew she would look through my case and it would upset her to see the stuff. She found it anyway. There are many other examples of her doing things like this throughout mine and my siblings’s lives.

As a result of her behaviour I don’t trust her at all. When I visit her now (in my 50s) I lock all my personal belongings and computer, phone, medication etc in my car, and keep the key with me at all times because I know she can’t be trusted. It’s a horrible feeling to know that I can’t trust my own mother to respect my privacy.

Stop snooping through your daughter’s things. She needs to be able to trust her mother. The stuff she’s doing is pretty normal. You might not like it, but we all learn from our mistakes. The best thing you can do is never mention it, but keep talking to her and keep letting her know you are always there to help her, regardless of whatever pickle she gets herself into.

GiltEdges · 19/04/2023 12:23

Itwasnaeme · 19/04/2023 11:42

To read this thread you'd think that every single teenager smokes weed, and also suffers no adverse consequences from it. This isn't true.

Glad it's not just me. Weed smoking is not 'par for the course'. It has potentially very serious psychological consequences and, knowing this, it isn't something I ever did as a teenager (or any other illegal drugs for that matter), nor did any of my close friendship group.

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 19/04/2023 12:24

Do nothing what your describing is a normal average teenager. Writing things down is probably her release and if you admit what you did she is gonna lose that. Just keep being open and reminding her your there if she needs to talk

shutthewindownow · 19/04/2023 12:25

I know it's horrible but that is all normal for a 16 year old. Don't read her things again it's her private life of course she won't tell you them things. Just keep the relationship good between you and try and guide her spend time with her and be a supportive mum.

MrsCharlesFrere · 19/04/2023 12:27

This might all be normal but I'd be horrified too, even though I did worse at that age.

Unfortunately there is absolutely nothing you can do about it.

Please Please don't say anything, however subtle you think you are being. Your relationship could be ruined forever and it will be for nothing as she will still do whatever she wants.

SixPurpleChairs · 19/04/2023 12:28

Roundandnour · 19/04/2023 10:07

I wasn’t happy with someone else cleaning my room. I had to go along with it and pretend to be happy. One of the reasons was that I believed they were also snooping. I laid the trap and they fell for it hook line and sinker. They read my “diary” I was constantly putting in things I knew they would disapprove of. As their silence continued tje more outrageous it got until one day I was confronted.

Thus is brilliant. Did you ever tell them?

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/04/2023 12:31

My dd is 14. I would be upset if she’d given a bj or tried weed even though I tried weed at 14 but your dd is older. At 16, I don’t think any of the things you described are that bad tbh. Not ideal but it sounds as if it’s experimentation rather than a start of a pattern of behaviour.

Did you not do anything stupid at about her age? I did a lot of things and I think that’s the sort of thing I’d be telling my dd tbh. She has a medical condition and it’s even more worrying with her because simply getting a bit too drunk and vomiting could kill her. I’m trying to teach her but bloody hell it’s difficult.

If you do want to have a conversation, perhaps it should be more of a general one about protecting herself and safe sex. Talking about the acts in porn such as choking, violence and anal sex is not part of the average sexual encounter / relationship. I know some of this will have been covered at school. But it can’t help to remind her.

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/04/2023 12:32

Oh and don’t snoop again. She’s already proved she’s not doing anything particularly outrageous.

Madeintowerhamlets · 19/04/2023 12:34

BumpyaDaisyevna · 19/04/2023 10:39

Hmm. Difficult.

My Dd is 14 and I'd hate to hear of her giving a BJ on a bench at any age.

However reality is this is what goes on. I did that kind of thing at parties and slept with men randomly. All of which I'd hate for my DD.

But when I think about it it was part of the learning process. It didn't scar me for life. It was part of a journey towards deciding at some point that actually I didn't really like casual sex and that I wanted to be in love with my lover.

So while I hope my Dd doesn't choose sexual situations that make her feel bad nonetheless if she does they won't kill her and she'll learn from them.

Hate the thought of it though. My little girl!

I feel just the same 🙈

JulieHoney · 19/04/2023 12:40

Don’t do a fanned thing about it. It will be blatantly obvious you’ve invaded her privacy if you say anything. @SoupDragon is right.

Take the information and use it to reassess how you talk to your daughter. She’s wary of confiding in you because you will judge her. Use this as a wake up call to judge less and support more.

Nounoufgs · 19/04/2023 12:49

What you can do:-

Have her back at all times
Make home a sanctuary away from all the stresses
Never tell her you know but offer to talk.

I found out something sad about a friend’s teenager and it made me feel sorry for them - as it was humiliating. I will never mention it, they NEED people who aren’t aware of their shame and don’t look at them differently. Every teen has an embarrassing story or two:- it’s a time of experimentation and peer pressure.

Modelling a happy, secure, balanced family life and letting them know your door is always open is the way.

Hankunamatata · 19/04/2023 12:51

When I was a teenager loads at 14 and 15 were do heavy petting and oral sex. Usually with boyfriends, sometimes just getting people to like them.
I think I'd just approach about having self respect, keeping safe and contraception

Eggseggseverywhere · 19/04/2023 12:54

Imo blurred lines appear when you supply alcohol to a minor...

Easterfunbun · 19/04/2023 12:54

I did some shocking things at 16 that my mum really didnt need to know about and thankfully never did. If I was you though I would just have to let her know that I read the notes. Sexual activity? Not a problem but I would be reminding her about safe sex etc. I would be pulling her up on the weed. It’s horrific for developing brains, and not at all like the strength years ago.

Justalittlebitduckling · 19/04/2023 12:56

Everyone seems very laid back on this thread. Surely we can admit it’s not ideal
to give a BJ on a park bench at any age and that’s not what we would ideally hope our 16 year old DC would be up to? I think OP is right to be concerned about her DD.

GemGemGemGemGemGem · 19/04/2023 13:00

Weed and blow jobs? Sounds like a normal Saturday for a lot of teenagers! She is still your little girl. Don't tell her you saw this, don't treat her ANY differently. It is totally normal for her to start having a life away from you. She's waited until she's 16 for sexual activity and she's smoked weed, not crack or heroin. I'd say you're both doing a great job! I'd leave condoms in the bathroom near her sanitary products and just do a good job at keeping communication channels open so she knows she can come to you with anything. I get it's a total shock that your baby is doing these things though and can make you view them differently. It's all part of growing up, she can't stay innocent forever.

Kennykenkencat · 19/04/2023 13:01

Are you sure this isn’t a test to see if you had snooped

Cherryblossoms85 · 19/04/2023 13:07

Normal teen stuff apart from the self harm. I would take no action and stop invading her privacy.

RideACockHorseToSunburyCross · 19/04/2023 13:07

"have you heard about super gonorrhea apparently it's not just from sex but you can get it from oral too, that's blown my mind"

Mate I am cringing for you 🤣. OP do not say this, say anything but this.

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