Who is my daughter and how can I help without admitting I snooped!

[Midliffey]

I know it is wrong, so no need to berate me for that. I was tidying her room (16) which she is happy I do and I found a box. I opened it. It was full of notes. I should have closed the box. I didnt.
First bj (16 on a bench) she does not have a boyfriend. First time trying weed, etc etc. She has also self harmed as she was in a toxic friendship group...
She struggles in school, is always angry, typical teen behaviour. I do talk to her, I thought we had an open relationship. She is opinionated and has told me pointedly that she would not do any of the above... I have said she can come to me if she needs to. etc but it looks like she has this other life. I am devastated. I thought she has esteem and it looks like she hasn't.
I do buy her alcohol when she is going to parties and pick her up etc and know and meet all her friends but now I do not know what to do. Have I been too easy? In the notes she does say "my mum will kill me if she knew about the weed" so she knows I am not relaxed.

I have not told her I breached her trust as that would be the end. How do I help her and talk to her about this.
I keep looking at her, thinking I do not know her and worry for her safety and self esteem etc.. What can I do?

Stop snooping. And never let her find out you did.

My dad (who I thought was brilliant, he raised me, I was a real Daddie's girl) read my diaries. He was probably reading them for years. I found out when I was 17 (as a previous poster did - laid a trap..).

It's something I hate him for and never forgave him for it. It put a huge trust barrier between us.

And do not do the coincidental chats... that's how I realised what he was doing.

😂 bringing back memories of my double life as a 14-16 year old. I smoked weed, it made me sick, I recovered. My boyfriend tried it, was really sick and I had to carry him to class 💪 he recovered quietly in Maths lesson!

I work in architecture, he's a web designer. Now in our 30s. I gave him a bj when I was 16!

You’re not supposed to know these things! Pandoras box, can of worms, curiosity killed the cat, etc.

Shes just being a normal teen. It would be too much for her to come home and tell you about a blowjob. You don’t want to be one of those enmeshed mums and daughters.

my advise ignore but keep an eye on her with regards to self esteem and self harming.

now the weather is changing it will be easier to spot these. Even get her some summer sleep wear when you next go clothes shopping with her. Still do this with my girls l, they are in their 20’s and left home 😂

Controversial part - I supplied condoms to begin with an where they could get them free if they didn’t want me to supply them. Same with my boys. They can be pricy and didn’t want them to take unneeded risks.

Just be there for her. Let her know you’re always there. She might test you to see your reaction, just try and stay calm. Take deep breaths to you can have time to think before you respond.

teens are hard bloody work and it’s a shock when you think you’ve managed to scrape through and boom.

I have sons but even I wouldn't be happy for my son at 16 getting oral sex on a park bench. I probably would talk about safe sex on the basis that you recognise that one day in the future she will be sexually active (not letting on a thing about what you read) and she should be sure to protect herself - not raving about the joys of the GUM clinic down the road. I had this chat with each of my boys as teenagers and I certainly hadn't read any diaries. (I emphasised the horrors of supporting babies as teenagers and looking after them in the weekend when their friends were out having fun and planning trips rather than changing nappies and paying child support.

Why even my ancient dad took me aside in my twenties and told me, "Lavender, men will say anything to avoid using a condom and don't believe a word of it". At least after being brought up with a strict Irish Catholic mother I never believed I owed anybody sex. I suspect lots of teenage girls don't have that assurance these days.

And nothing messes up those teenage years like getting pregnant either. I hope she has had the vaccine to prevent transmission of hpv - I unblushingly booked my youngest in for it and I know the elder one organised it for themselves.

I personally would never have provided alcohol to teenagers but you would probably find that very difficult to walk this back without letting on about reading the diary.

Weed isn't commonplace for 16-yr-old girls. Less than a third of girls will have tried any drugs at all by age 16 (stats from NHS 2022).
Yy posters on here might have had peers that took drugs or might have done so themselves but the majority of teens now aren't doing it. And it's not that odd that a parent would prefer if their DD was in the 70% not taking drugs rather than in the 30% that are. Latest research out of the US also raises concerns about how weed impacts female fertility and about massively increased susceptibility to psychotic illness.

I’d say they’re pretty normal things for a 16 year old to be exploring. I would not mentioned anything to her it is so incredibly wrong that you snooped.

I did literally all of those things and worse and was only averagely naughty and went on to a very good university. Thank god I didn't keep a diary! Don't ever let on that you snooped. Keep an eye on her mental health and make sure that you have quality time and you're there if she needs to talk. She sounds like a pretty normal teen.

Adolescence is about trying new things, pushing boundaries, taking stupid risks, and making mistakes. Your job is to guide her enough that she doesn’t do anything really dangerous, and be there for her when it goes to shit from time to time.

There will always be things she doesn’t tell you.

All teenagers take risks they wouldn't dream of telling their parents about. It is a rite of passage. We all did it. Most of the time, teens survive the ridiculously risky things they attempt. Both of mie, who are upstanding young adults now, well on the way to first class degrees from good unis, with strong friendship groups, good work ethics etc etc - both of them did things that were jaw-droppingly dangerous and stupid that I accidentally found out about.

The ONE time I checked DS2's phone it happened to buzz with a very revealing message about the danger he was in - I still don't know why I checked it. I never had before. I must have sensed something was wrong and I suspect you snooped for the same reason, OP. You sensed all was not well. If you do tell her, you can just be honest and say you were worried. But I'd be inclined not to tell, because her embarassment at you knowing might make her more secretive as he issues escalate.

Things you can definitely do:
Make home a welcoming, calm, safe sanctuary.
Invite her nicest friends over often. Offer pizzas and stacks of soft drinks to dilute the inevitable alcohol they smuggle in.
Discuss bright futures with her. Support her ambitions without taking them over (Teens can ditch an ambition if you get overly enthusiastic for it.) Offer to take her to a talk or exhibition or trade fair of something she might want to get involved in career-wise.

Ask the difficult questions and say to her: 'You don't have to tell me the answer. I'm not snooping here. But you do have to tell yourself. In your own head, answer the question - do I want to be around people who encourage self harm/drugs etc. Do I deep down need my mum's or someone else's help with anything I can't quite cope with alone?' Then say that once she;s answered the question in her own mind, you are here if she chooses to confide or if she needs help sourcing support.

I've always encouraged DC to realise it's not weak to ask for help and it doesn't mean you are pathologising an issue - just overcoming normal bumps in the road with support. So if she needs help with self harm or drugs or sexual boundaries, make sure she knows where to find it.

A lot of teens experiment at this age. Kids from every stratum of society. All you can do is be there for her and educate not berate.

What @NotHangingAround said, really good advice. Keep communicating, ask questions if needed, be the one she can come to.

I don’t know what’s going on but so many replies that scare me. Being relaxed about a BJ on a bench and weed smoking. Do I think you should have read what you did? No I don’t but in hind sight you can now spend extra attention on your daughter. Do not tell her what you read!! But maybe set up a regular time together (if you don’t already) just the two of you do something you know your daughter will enjoy. Young people are under so much pressure it’s so scary being a parent, the bj in public concerns me your daughter could have been filmed ect.
Talk and keep talking keep reminding your daughter how wonderful she is. Yes we all do really stupid stuff at 16 keep your eyes and ears open. But no more snooping.

I came here to say the same. Absolutely not acceptable. I'm shocked so many think it is.

It is only days ago that posts on here berated the death of a baby, who's parents smoked weed. Posters who blamed the family court and SC. ( not opening up another conversation about this or saying this young adult will do anything like this) - but come on, responsibility, accountability, higher expectations of our young adults.

My mother read my diary ,age about 12, and shared the contents with the family, having a good laugh. I'm 54. She had form for this sort of thing.(She's elderly and confused now). She had many good points, but it's these things which I never forget. Don't confess OP, and don't share.

You mention that your daughter struggles in school. A child who is struggling is much more vulnerable to peer pressure. Would she agree to tutoring? One of my children got through school and on to university after an enormous amount of tutoring - some paid and some done by us. He was ADHD and recognised he needed to work harder than "normal" kids and while he sometimes didn't thrill to the tutoring, he did like that he started passing exams and was keeping up with lessons. He also used medication for tasks he found difficult like maths lessons. Is there possibly a learning disability like ADHD there? A lot of ADHD children are risk takers because they don't tend to think things through and weigh up risks. My son actually isn't that sort of risk taker but many are.

Please don't tell her you have read her private notes, it's a huge betrayal and she will never forgive you.

Step well away from any confrontation, whether passive aggressive or not. At 16, she is going to be experimenting sexually and with drugs. You've already said you buy her alcohol which is illegal at her age. The sex isn't. So you're already sending her mixed messages.

Stop snooping and accept that she is growing up. And maybe suggest that she cleans her own room from now on.

I wouldn’t tell her you’ve snooped. Just spend lots of time together. Mine is 17 and chats more in car or late at night.
Is she at school or college?
Pt job has been a positive for mine.
I’d just keep talking and chatting generally if there’s a story on news or something. Make sure she’s aware of services like Brook Advisory or any support/counselling via school.

You approach this by continuing to do all you can to be a supportive and approachable mum to a typical sounding teen girl. Never breach her trust like this again and NEVER tell her you did it this time. Not even when she's a middle aged mum herself. Honestly OP, she sounds entirely normal and isn't doing anything myself and loads of PPs did at her age.

About 98% of people I know where sexually active in some way at 16 and most have tried weed by then too - it's hardly unusual.

The only ones I know that weren't sexually active until 17/18 was 1 closeted lesbian friend who came out two years later and a couple of socially awkward boys who always struck out with girls (so it wasn't through choice).

I was known as a bit of a prude (certainly not the blow job on park benches and one night stand type) and yet even I was sexually active by 16. I tried weed just try it and it was utterly dull to me and stoners bore me to death.

I mean its not like shes selling her self down the docks and smoking crack, a blow job and puff on a joint by age 16 is so normal I would be more shocked to find out my kids hadn't even attempted that stuff.

And this is the reason I've never kept a diary, my mother was a snooper and I would never have trusted her not to read it

'You've already said you buy her alcohol which is illegal at her age'

erm... no its not. You can drink from age 5 in Great Britain as long as you are on private property.

In fact its not even illegal at 16 to drink in a restaurant or bar within set limits (but most venues refuse for licensing reasons).

It's only illegal for her daughter to attempt to buy it herself.

you could say things like 'have you heard about super gonorrhea apparently it's not just from sex but you can get it from oral too, that's blown my mind'

😂😂😂

You are buying her alcohol- that isn't going to help her @Midliffey and is illegal. So stop that bit at least. Alcohol will make it easier for her to be taken advantage of, for instance.