My teenage son is horrible to us. 😢

[Usernamenotthis]

I am a regular poster but name changed for this.

This is very difficult to write but I feel so alone. My 16 year old son is so unpleasant and I feel I can’t cope anymore. He is verbally and physically abusive to me ( less so to my husband but still pretty cruel). He was always been a difficult boy but now that he is nearly a man I just long for the day he moves out. I feel he will use us to the end though and I have hit such a low point that I would rather not go on any longer. He has suggested on numerous occasions that I do just that.

He is a user and can be very manipulative when he want something but lacks empathy in every way.I had a very difficult childhood and suffered sexual, physical and emotional abuse. I am estranged from my family for over 20 years ( after speaking out). This was probably the only brave thing that I have ever done. My son knows the truth and now uses this against me in most horrible way.

My husband and I have built a good life for ourselves despite this and our son has had the best of everything including a world class education. He frequently reminds me of my lack. of education .We have alway been very honest with our son as I didn’t want him to grow up in a house full of secrets. Like many people with my past I am quite a private person though and I could never share this in real life.

Thank you for reading. xx

Your DH needs to step in and stand up to him if you don't feel able to. That sounds awful. Is he in education? Maybe he needs to start working and contributing?

Yes, he is doing his a levels. My DS has tried but nothing works., he has lost his temper with my son we are both worn down at this stage.

So it is very usual for teenage boys. IMO it’s partly hormones and partly to do with asserting their independence and separating away from parents as separate people
However it’s completely unacceptable.
You and DH need to present a united front. When my DS has done this it’s time for DH to step in. To take him to a neutral location and have a serious chat about respect for his mother and women in general. And to speak to him immediately if I happens in front of him. And there needs to be an apology- written or verbal.
Try to find strength together. Lay down with your DH and son some family rules about how people in the house treat each other. With consequences for breaking them and stick to that. I expect your DS doesn’t treat his friends parents and teachers like this. So it’s unacceptable that he does it for you.
Another option is family therapy or if there is a Councellor at the school to request a family meeting
Good luck. Be strong.

Thank you. I appreciate any advice, he is a model student so it’s more difficult. I will get my DS to read your advice so thank you. x

What repercussions are there op? I seriously hope you aren't providing meals and laundry service? Or phone top ups? or even WiFi? Certainly not lifts. If he won't respect you as a dm then certainly don't act like one.

If he is a model student, then you know he is choosing to behave like this at home.

Do you and your DH get on at him or do you give him space to just get on and not engage?

Physical violence is a deal-breaker.

We need to talk about Kevin

Ps when DC was really bad my DH grounded him. That’s why WhatsApp is useful - there is a written train if evidence for what has been agreed.
Removal of allowance was also on the table and no more lifts.
For any further violence it’s ok to calmly explain you will call the poultice
Model student or not school should help.
There are some good teenage boys books out there. They are basically psychopaths ( ! ) when teenagers. It’s their brains. But they can be taught to be less horrible and they do come out of it.
Remember you deserve to be treated well. You are his mother and deserving of respect

Could you contact his college and request some support or to be referred to a support service?
You shouldn’t have to live like this.

Thank you all , I am reading all the advice. It was so so difficult for me to write.x

I hear you. I wish I knew the answer to this one. I've thought about getting rid of the internet but he'd go insane. I also long for the day my son moves out but I can't see it happening as he's not going to do well in his leaving cert, so he is delusional if he thinks he can get in to university. I think his plan is to just over power me in the household forever, I have a vision of me in my 80s and him in his 50s, still plundering all the resources, hot water, food, internet, and yet he cannot even put a plate in to the dish washer. You're ''lucky'' (sorry, I know you're not) that your H is there with you to make it two against one.

I'm a 5'1'' single parent and somehow my nearly 17 year old son is 6'' and he is as strong as an ox, all the food I've put before him over the years. I've tried to get my brother to talk to him but my brother only visits occasionally, asks him to be respectful and clear up after himself, my son grunts and my brother gives him 50 euro and leaves. I do not know what to do. My son is in a gym and I pay for it. To begin with, I said, right, you have to just hang up your towel, put dirty clothes in the laundry and plates in to the dish washer. He didn't do that so I deleted my iban from the gym profile. He wasn't allowed in then. He RAGED at me over that, broke the washing machine in a rage. He smashed it because it was bleeping. I called my brother over again because I was honestly scared of him. My brother asked him to be more respectful but somehow it ended up being decided that it was good for him to be going to the gym, so I had to set up the gym member ship again. I wrote a short list of the normal things I needed him to do, just clearing up after himself, but he is ignoring the requests to be a bit tidier. He never does a single chore and the other day one of his enormous shits blocked the toilet and I spent about an hour unblocking it. I cannot wait until he moves out and I have wondered what help is out there to get an adult son out of your house.

This charity may be able to help:

https://www.familylives.org.uk/advice/teenagers/behaviour/teen-violence-at-home

They have a helpline:

0808 800 2222

This sounds so tough.

I agree with Cherrybl0ssm.

Sorry you are going through this.

That must be really really horrible for you. If he is doing his A levels now does that mean he has 18 months before going off to university? I hope for your sake he goes off somewhere quite far away and is quite settled there. I would be very tempted to move house while he'd gone and swap to a one-bed flat for a while. Do you think his attitude will change as he gets older? For instance when was the last time he was nice to you, don't include the times when he actually wanted something from you.

This is a genuine question, what was the "world class education"?

Really?

I hear you and feel your pain and whilst I can offer no solutions, invite you to come and join a really supportive and non-judgemental chat with other parents struggling with their teens.

Just a friendly hand hold for any other mums of teens www.mumsnet.com/Talk/teenagers/4646018-just-a-friendly-hand-hold-for-any-other-mums-of-teens

I have good reasons for asking. Not trying to put op down. Not all good education produces well rounded young people.

I think there would be 2 things I would do.

1. speak to his school and consider if there may be any unidentified needs underneath his behaviour.

2. I’d be tempted to let him know that the next time it happens you will call the police and let them come and deal with him. If he’s a bright lad who manages to control his behaviour in other circumstances. The only reason I wouldn’t do this would be if I thought he had a significant need that needs supporting and would be made worse by police attendance.

How violent is he? I am wondering what point it has got to in terms of would you be safe to put new boudaries in or do you think you would be at significant risk if you did.

My apologies, I just meant that we have spent a lot on his his education. He has been given every opportunity and attends one of the best schools in the country.
He has excelled academically but obviously I would rather have a decent human being for a son. I just wanted to give him everything that I never had . I am utterly ashamed of how he has turned out, and of me as his mum.

You do need to tolerate his behaviour at all, if he wants to continue living with you he needs to zip his mouth and learn some respect. Please do not pander to him, a stint on his own being responsible for himself and his actions may do him the world of good.

No advice, but my heart goes out to you. Please don’t feel ashamed.

Hi op. My son is younger - nearly 13 now - but can also be horrible to us at home, and to his younger sisters, which I find uniquely vile as they are so little and adore their big brother. He is often cruel and vindictive. I am almost at a point where I couldn't care less about academic success etc, I just want him to be a kind human and I'm worried that he won't be.

It is utterly demoralising and exhausting, so I do understand where you are coming from. I also know from speaking to many friends who are parents that it is not uncommon. If he is behaving at school and has friends etc, then he is choosing to be like this for some reason, which is painful to think about.

What does he say when you sit down with him and explain how hurtful you find his behaviour? Does he show any remorse?

Was he at boarding school?

Is it a school which cares about and prioritises pastoral care? Some top schools are great at academic achievement, but terrible at spotting and dealing with children who aren't doing well emotional.

Is it a day school?