My teenage son is horrible to us. 😢

[Usernamenotthis]

I am a regular poster but name changed for this.

This is very difficult to write but I feel so alone. My 16 year old son is so unpleasant and I feel I can’t cope anymore. He is verbally and physically abusive to me ( less so to my husband but still pretty cruel). He was always been a difficult boy but now that he is nearly a man I just long for the day he moves out. I feel he will use us to the end though and I have hit such a low point that I would rather not go on any longer. He has suggested on numerous occasions that I do just that.

He is a user and can be very manipulative when he want something but lacks empathy in every way.I had a very difficult childhood and suffered sexual, physical and emotional abuse. I am estranged from my family for over 20 years ( after speaking out). This was probably the only brave thing that I have ever done. My son knows the truth and now uses this against me in most horrible way.

My husband and I have built a good life for ourselves despite this and our son has had the best of everything including a world class education. He frequently reminds me of my lack. of education .We have alway been very honest with our son as I didn’t want him to grow up in a house full of secrets. Like many people with my past I am quite a private person though and I could never share this in real life.

Thank you for reading. xx

Just another one saying this is NOT normal for a teen boy.
I have two teen boys and they are lovely. The worst they do is leave towels on the floor!

That is so helpful I'm sure OP will take that on board.

I would go and talk to his school and not pull any punches, tell them exactly how bad his behaviour is at home and especailly to you. I would be very, very surprised indeed if he keeps this behaviour encapsulated within your four walls.

It's very possible that he's using the same MCP tactics against women teachers, girl pupils, vulnerable boys, and getting away with it because they are too embarrassed or scared to complain.

I would also tell him straight, that you are taking this up with the school. that you will be warning all his female friends NOT to accept this from him, but to tell DH, or the school, or their own parents.

I'd also stop his allowance, taxi services. laundry services ; remove his phone, and tell him if he EVER dares physically abuse you again you will take it to p[olice and have him charged with assault.

I'm sickened your DH stands by and lets this happen. He is enabling your son.

Not normal, I would a) call the police if he assaults you and b) stick him in as a boarder. Seriously consider family therapy

BUT what were you thinking sharing your childhood with him (I’m very sorry you experienced that). When he is an adult maybe and even then many people would struggle with processing that kind of information. You put a big burden on a child and perhaps therapy would be good for you too because you don’t have clear boundaries. I’m NC with my parent for much milder abuse and have no intention of discussing this in detail with my DD unless she’s an adult and actually curious about it.

FFS do you really think sharing how perfect your children are is either helpful or kind

Believe it or not there are some teens who have had a decent upbringing and live in conventional & well adjusted homes who just rebel. And it's really fucking hard feeling like you've failed at parenting because your baby, the light of your life who once snuggled with you for story time is vile pretty much constantly. To you and anyone else telling the op it's not normal or blaming, have a fucking heart.

I too am wondering about the trauma you experienced being shared with him.

Were you advised to do this, OP?

Or did you decide to do it, because you didn’t want any secrets?

It’s an awful burden to put onto a child, and there is very much a safe-guarding balance that needs to found between being open and honest, while ensuring children aren’t burdened with information that they are unable to comprehend and process.

Has he had any counselling to help him process what you told him?

I hope so. If not, I think it would be a really good idea to look into it.

@MrsMullerBecameABaby

I agree with a lot you say.

Remember that anger is a secondary emotion - and often a sign of pain with nowhere to go.

It is often the case if a teenager hears something really upsetting (eg his mum was abused as a child) that he turns this into blame and anger. He cannot process and own his emotions in this and I they are being misplaced through his very challenging behaviour.

He is very hurt and confused by what he has heard so has turned this into hostility towards you as a safety mechanism

OP, noone should judge you on how you felt the needed to parent and how you needed to share it. Your child abuse sounds horrific you poor thing

Lots of teenage boys are unpleasant, but this is extreme. Sadly many elite schools do give kids elitist attitudes.

I would go down the route of threatening not to pay school fees next year if his behaviour doesn't improve by the end of next term. No need to (threaten to) kick him out yet whilst there's another alternative, but make it clear right now that you are prepared to do so eventually if things continue.

Boarding is not likely to be sufficient discipline, particularly at his age. He probably has mates who are happy boarders. The main message it will give is "I can mistreat mummy as badly as I like, and she will just spend even more money on me".

I have one at home just like yours, and same age. He gets private school, an entire floor of a giant house to stroll around in, and a few holidays per year. He is still obnoxious and lacking empathy. He has caused so much trouble in my house including setting fire to one room, and has brought the police, social services and his Head teacher to my door a few times with his outrageous stories (lies that were easily exposed, and I have warned him about being Billy Liar). He was nearly kicked out of private school last week for fighting, and it is not the first time. This is how I deal with the matter, in my opinion. You cannot change personalities, and hope that they will mature out of this 'stage'. Molly-coddling certain kids is counter-productive, and their peers will put them in their place. Mine has been warned to do really well in his exams as he needs a plan at 18. I take a firm but fair approach based on his behavioural conduct. He will probably be attending University, but if not he will be getting a job as I shall refuse to fund him as an adult. I have cracked down on the treats and banned him from going on a sports trip he wanted to do with his mates. This is punishment for violence in school. I have told him no pocket money unless he earns it via jobs in the home. I told him if he gets expelled from private school, I will actively seek out the roughest State school locally that I can get him into. You cannot change your children, but you can change how you deal with them. If you know you have a leech on your hands, teach him life lessons by refusing to sponsor him at 18 and making it clear he must become an independent adult. Your educational background is not relevant to this, as certain children have this superiority complex. Tell him if he is so marvelous and clever, he will find ways to fund himself. My other child is very much the opposite of my eldest, and my approach to her is completely different and nurturing. He would not respond to that approach and would try to walk all over us. I have five University degrees, a teacher training qualification, a doctorate and some professional diplomas, and my eldest still tries mansplaining to me. I tell him to come back to lecture me when he has achieved something notable in his life, and made me proud.

Na not your fault op. You probably may have over compensated for your awful experience. He's a bloody lucky lad.

He's acting like a spoilt entitled brat. Go to the school and ask for help/their advice.

Any physical abuse call the police to scare him. Totally unacceptable and I had 2 teenage boys.

Your dh needs to be a role model. That means facing up to your son and protecting you.

He may well change and mature op but enough is enough

FFS do you really think sharing how perfect your children are is either helpful or kind

Believe it or not there are some teens who have had a decent upbringing and live in conventional & well adjusted homes who just rebel. And it's really fucking hard feeling like you've failed at parenting because your baby, the light of your life who once snuggled with you for story time is vile pretty much constantly. To you and anyone else telling the op it's not normal or blaming, have a fucking heart.
*

Hear hear . It isn't all the parents fault. Sure some things can exacerbate but not always. I am having issues with dd totally different school refusal and neuro diverengce. What I have found the worst and is like a gut punch is people boasting about their lovely children and smugly thinking it's their great parenting. Yes there's things that can help or hinder but it could happen to any of us.*

Sounds like you need some space. I would suggest boarding school. He gets to focus on school work and you get a break

OP just to say

Ignore all this calling police /kicking out stuff from some PP- it is not their kids and I am sure they would act very differently if they were

I would ask the school to step in, and see if they can engage a psychologist. You pay a lit of cash , they need to help you.

Also ignore all the nonsese about people saying it because your kid is entitled by going to an expensive school. There is absolutely appalling antisocial behaviour (worse proportionally) in state schools so people are using it to do some class bashing .
Kids can be little shits no matter what the school.

Is there any history of mental health in your famiiy? If so explore- especially if he has some sociopathic tendencies

otherwise. I honestly don't know if posh schools bring out the best in children. I just wonder how they treat staff at school like admin, kitchen, cleaners etc..
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converseandjeans this is a quote from another thread so maybe bad behaviour towards staff isn’t confined to private school children.

I'm a cleaner in a high school and honestly I find it disgusting how some children behave! Absolutely no respect or anyone or anything. Really rude, ignorant and downright disrespectful to everyone

He sounds absolutely horrid. Sorry you are dealing with that. Whatever your husband and you decide to do, remain a united front. YOU have the power.

Schools don’t “engage” psychologists. They will probably have a school counsellor but that person will not necessarily trained in dealing with teens abusing their parents.

OP will need to find a therapist herself, and the best starting place is charities that deal with abusive teens linked upthread.

The police are good at dealing with a first offence in cases like this - they will give him a talking to and refer the family to support services. If OP is ever afraid for her safety she absolutely must call the police. It would be far better for the police to be called early, give him a dose of reality and a chance to change, than ending up beating up a gf and going to prison.

Hopefully he will pass his a levels and go to uni !

@ Mirabai

The police are good at dealing with a first offence in cases like this - they will give him a talking to and refer the family to support services. If OP is ever afraid for her safety she absolutely must call the police. It would be far better for the police to be called early, give him a dose of reality and a chance to change, than ending up beating up a gf and going to prison.

I agree.

Thirded.

He’s very quickly going to become a violent male adult if this is not dealt with.

It’s all well and good shipping him off to uni but that could be disastrous for some poor, unsuspecting housemate. That’s if his violence towards you doesn’t escalate before then.

It’s such a terrible position for you to be in OP. I’m glad you have the support of your partner.

Good luck

Please don't be ashamed. If his behaviour at school raises no red flags, he is choosing how to behave at home. So, you also have choices. Actions lead to consequences. Start implementing them! No paying for mobile contract. No lifts etc etc. Teenage brains are still a work in progress. Don't despair. Unless there's something psychological going on, it's fixable!

Why did you give in to gym membership?! He won the war , and that means next time more of the same as it works out well for him.

boundaries ! All the way. And don’t go back on a punishment no matter what.

Little bastard

My DS is almost 20 now and moreorless pleasant to be around but I've been where you are.
The first time he hit me, my DH went berserk and his behaviour improved for a while. The second time, I rang 999

It broke my heart, I won't pretend otherwise. He was 14

Then I contacted our GP and DS went into counselling. I think the encounter with the police scared him enough to agree to it

Rocky couple of years then, I would frequently not speak to him. One time I changed the wifi password. One time I cancelled his phone. I refused to give him lifts etc. If he got angry and abusive, I told him I'd ring the police

It's not perfect now but we are nearly out the other side, I think.

I am not proud but I was at the end of my tether. He was unbearable.

You are not alone OP, it might not be common but it's not rare

Push back is my best advice

These are my thoughts too. This child needs psychological support. That's not to excuse his behaviour, but he's had more out on his shoulders than a 16yo should have and I'm not sure why.

What money, internet, gaming equipment and phone are you giving. These are privileges and can be withheld - not in one go. Is he taking drugs? Has he been harmed by someone? If not- remove the privileges and expect short term extreme backlash. Don't relent. Be flexible if it's reasonable to be so but if he's violent then x happens. If he's abusive then y happens. Ignore the not helping in the house for a short while til you get the violence managed. Speak to relatives / schools. Again- expect backlash but the goal is to take the tantrum and if making it public is what that takes then so be it. And you've done your best with a bad upbringing. Don't take his shite. None of us are perfect parents but you've loved him and he knows it.