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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

My teenage son is horrible to us. 😢

107 replies

Usernamenotthis · 31/03/2023 14:48

I am a regular poster but name changed for this.

This is very difficult to write but I feel so alone. My 16 year old son is so unpleasant and I feel I can’t cope anymore. He is verbally and physically abusive to me ( less so to my husband but still pretty cruel). He was always been a difficult boy but now that he is nearly a man I just long for the day he moves out. I feel he will use us to the end though and I have hit such a low point that I would rather not go on any longer. He has suggested on numerous occasions that I do just that.

He is a user and can be very manipulative when he want something but lacks empathy in every way.I had a very difficult childhood and suffered sexual, physical and emotional abuse. I am estranged from my family for over 20 years ( after speaking out). This was probably the only brave thing that I have ever done. My son knows the truth and now uses this against me in most horrible way.

My husband and I have built a good life for ourselves despite this and our son has had the best of everything including a world class education. He frequently reminds me of my lack. of education .We have alway been very honest with our son as I didn’t want him to grow up in a house full of secrets. Like many people with my past I am quite a private person though and I could never share this in real life.

Thank you for reading. xx

OP posts:
knittingaddict · 31/03/2023 15:56

Radi0 · 31/03/2023 15:55

Was he at boarding school?

That's what I'm wondering.

Original poster
Usernamenotthis · 31/03/2023 15:57

No, he has never been a boarder. He did attend a school with boarders but he has always been a day boy.

OP posts:
chaos76 · 31/03/2023 16:00

Cherrybl0ssm · 31/03/2023 15:05

So it is very usual for teenage boys. IMO it’s partly hormones and partly to do with asserting their independence and separating away from parents as separate people
However it’s completely unacceptable.
You and DH need to present a united front. When my DS has done this it’s time for DH to step in. To take him to a neutral location and have a serious chat about respect for his mother and women in general. And to speak to him immediately if I happens in front of him. And there needs to be an apology- written or verbal.
Try to find strength together. Lay down with your DH and son some family rules about how people in the house treat each other. With consequences for breaking them and stick to that. I expect your DS doesn’t treat his friends parents and teachers like this. So it’s unacceptable that he does it for you.
Another option is family therapy or if there is a Councellor at the school to request a family meeting
Good luck. Be strong.

This is so not usual behaviour from teenage boys or anyone at all my boys would never spak or hurt me like this in any way

HoneyPotBee · 31/03/2023 16:03

Can you let us know what you prepared to do to resolve this?

I often see threads like this and the OP will have a reason why each solution presented won’t work for them.

It’s pointless getting a lot of sympathetic messages on here if you’re not willing to put any boundaries in place.

I hope you get the help and support you need.

Flowers
ladykale · 31/03/2023 16:06

Physically abusive to you?

Throw him out and he can go and fend for himself.

Over my dead body would my son disrespect me like that and continue to have a roof I was paying for over his head.

Tell your husband to man up and tell your boy he is getting kicked out.

He will become a woman beater if there aren't serious repercussions.

Tell him you will call the police if he lays a hand on you & follow through...

Sorry OP, stay strong!

Dominoeffecter · 31/03/2023 16:07

chaos76 · 31/03/2023 16:00

This is so not usual behaviour from teenage boys or anyone at all my boys would never spak or hurt me like this in any way

Show quote history

Agree that this is NOT usual behaviour for teen boys

ladykale · 31/03/2023 16:08

@Cherrybl0ssm this is not normal teenage boy behaviour!! Do not normalise it or you will raise a future abuser!

ginniegingin · 31/03/2023 16:09

It sounds awful but I agree he needs very strict boundaries in place and a zero tolerance approach.
Can I ask OP about how much you have disclosed to your son about your past. You said that he knows all about it and that you have no secrets. It sounds like a very heavy weight to put on a child if you have indeed told him about all you have been through. What have you and he done to help process this?

Original poster
Usernamenotthis · 31/03/2023 16:09

I am prepared to whatever it takes at this stage. Thank you for all the advice and for listening. I’m just at a really low point but I am reading and will be taking all your advice. I know it’s not acceptable, it’s just so difficult as his mum.

OP posts:
ladykale · 31/03/2023 16:11

Genuine question - teenagers don't have a "right" to live in a house right?

Like if I changed the locks while an abusive teenage son was out surely I could then call the police for trespassing.

Shocked at the attempts on this thread to normalise and rationalise behaviour. Act as you would if a random man behaved like that.

Mind boggling that he has a roof over his head and is physically and emotionally abusing his mum. My child would honestly be homeless from that day onwards if he chooses to disrespect the woman who gave birth to him!

Drastic behaviour calls for drastic responses

emmylousings · 31/03/2023 16:11

If he even pushes you or your DP, the police would consider it assault. They are used to attending these cases. It wouldn't lead to prosecution, they might refer him to brief youth rehab - a few sessions. You might not think that beneficial, but some parents do choose it as they feel the shock of police involvement and threat of criminal sanctions may help. I'm sure each individual case is different.

Original poster
Usernamenotthis · 31/03/2023 16:11

I have told him everything. Perhaps I shouldn’t have although he was not an easy boy even when little. I do regret telling him now.

OP posts:
ladykale · 31/03/2023 16:12

Usernamenotthis · 31/03/2023 16:09

I am prepared to whatever it takes at this stage. Thank you for all the advice and for listening. I’m just at a really low point but I am reading and will be taking all your advice. I know it’s not acceptable, it’s just so difficult as his mum.

Please do not blame yourself OP as this could happen to anyone, but don't tolerate his behaviour as you are worth so much more and it's good in the long run as he needs to learn not to disrespect women.

Cherrybl0ssm · 31/03/2023 16:16

@ladykale violence no. Being rude to their Mother. Very much yes.
The boy teenage brain is just totally selfish and focused on themselves. In not ‘normalizing it’ At no point did I say it was acceptable. It is.
Is it normal and common - yes.

chaos76 · 31/03/2023 16:18

Could you see if the school would take him as a boarder? Speak to the school call him out on his behaviour towards you both, let others know dont keep it secret behind closed doors this will only allow him to get away with it.

Is he spoilt to a point that he had no boundries? ( I know a young man like this and he is horrible because he was spoilt) I am not blaming you it is so easy to spoil our boys its just what a mum does but sometimes it can be too much !

paisley256 · 31/03/2023 16:19

In my own experience this isn't normal behaviour and I've got a few of them. I'm really sorry you're going through this it's very hard and I hope you can get through it. 💐

ginniegingin · 31/03/2023 16:19

Usernamenotthis · 31/03/2023 16:11

I have told him everything. Perhaps I shouldn’t have although he was not an easy boy even when little. I do regret telling him now.

That is a huge amount to put on young shoulders. Has he had any kind of psychological support at all?

AliceMcK · 31/03/2023 16:21

Maybe you should stop paying for a world class education in one of the countries top schools as it’s obviously not done him any good, all he has done is use it against you. Belittling your lack of education, maybe you should take his away from him and see how he likes paying for any further education himself. You obviously can’t be that uneducated if you have managed to build a life for yourself and the means to pay for this.

Yes technically he may still be a child, but at 16 I would absolutely not tolerate this and he is definitely old enough to reap the repercussions of his behaviour, violence, attitude and distain he has for you and your DH.

If he’s physically violent with both you and your DH at 16: can you imagine what your life will be like in the coming years.

You may not want to hear this but he is an abuser, unless you give him a serious wake up call he will not only continue to abuse you and your DH, but others in the future.

Mirabai · 31/03/2023 16:22

Contact Respect.U.K.net. They have a whole section on CAPVA - child and adolescent to parent violence and abuse. And they run a Young People’s Programme.https://www.respect.uk.net

You should not be ashamed - you’ve done a great job parenting him. He may have issues that he’s expressing in abuse or he may just be a bit of an arsehole - and that’s his learning curve in life.

TomatoSandwiches · 31/03/2023 16:22

Violent to you?

I'd sell up and move without telling him where I'm going if possible.
At the very least he absolutely would not be in my house any longer, nope.

Sorry but he sounds like sociopathic.

paisley256 · 31/03/2023 16:24

I'd defnitely ring the police if he laid a finger on me or anyone else. He needs to know the consequences of violent behaviour.

HamBone · 31/03/2023 16:24

You and DH need to present a united front. When my DS has done this it’s time for DH to step in. To take him to a neutral location and have a serious chat about respect for his mother and women in general. And to speak to him immediately if I happens in front of him. And there needs to be an apology- written or verbal.

I agree with @Cherrybl0ssm . Our teenagers (DD (17) and DS (14) are sometimes rude to us and have occasionally thumped each other ( never parents). It’s immediately called out and they’re told that it’s totally unacceptable.

We use strong phrases like “You do not speak to your sister/mother/father like that.” “Physical violence is unacceptable.” “You treat other people with respect,” etc. Don’t minimize what he’s done, draw strict boundaries.

Mirabai · 31/03/2023 16:25

Also - is he at an all boys’ public school? As this kind of attitude to women is not uncommon and some schools rather fuel it even in this day and age.

Mirabai · 31/03/2023 16:27

paisley256 · 31/03/2023 16:24

I'd defnitely ring the police if he laid a finger on me or anyone else. He needs to know the consequences of violent behaviour.

Yep.