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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

My teenage son is horrible to us. 😢

107 replies

Usernamenotthis · 31/03/2023 14:48

I am a regular poster but name changed for this.

This is very difficult to write but I feel so alone. My 16 year old son is so unpleasant and I feel I can’t cope anymore. He is verbally and physically abusive to me ( less so to my husband but still pretty cruel). He was always been a difficult boy but now that he is nearly a man I just long for the day he moves out. I feel he will use us to the end though and I have hit such a low point that I would rather not go on any longer. He has suggested on numerous occasions that I do just that.

He is a user and can be very manipulative when he want something but lacks empathy in every way.I had a very difficult childhood and suffered sexual, physical and emotional abuse. I am estranged from my family for over 20 years ( after speaking out). This was probably the only brave thing that I have ever done. My son knows the truth and now uses this against me in most horrible way.

My husband and I have built a good life for ourselves despite this and our son has had the best of everything including a world class education. He frequently reminds me of my lack. of education .We have alway been very honest with our son as I didn’t want him to grow up in a house full of secrets. Like many people with my past I am quite a private person though and I could never share this in real life.

Thank you for reading. xx

OP posts:
Bonelly · 31/03/2023 22:56

Plus agree he might need psychological support but this behavioural shit is managed by boundaries at the crunch times and supporting them and talking to them when they're not acting like a nut job. Then he'll have the space to accept talking therapy (if you can find it). Boundaries!

Bonelly · 31/03/2023 23:00

Lastly get whoever he can regulate himself in front of round and keep doing that until he knows his behaviour is way off. Use the people he won't act up in front of. Tell him your uncle is coming round. Try not argue in the extreme time- just follow through with your consequence afterward.
You'll know it's working when the space between episodes increases.

Original poster
Usernamenotthis · 01/04/2023 11:15

Thank you all so much for taking the time to offer advice. I was so unsure about sharing but I’m so glad that I did. I have obviously shared too much about my past with my son but growing up where I did ( not the UK ) I didn’t want to continue the culture of secrets and shame. With no family to advise bringing up a child is difficult, his teachers thinking that he is a model student doesn’t make it easier. I’m not sure that boarding is the answer, it may make things easier in the short term but I want to try to make my son be a decent man not just make things easier for me.

I am going to go look at family therapy and engage with the websites offered by the lovely mums on here ( thank you xx). I will make sure to find the right person. My husband is fully on board , my son has never seen violence at home. He has seen a man who works incredibly hard to provide for him. My husband is what I would call a man before his time, his attitudes towards women, LGBT people and those who are struggling atm make him the best of men. He has possibly been too soft with my son but is willing to do what ever it takes.My son in seen in him a great role model but sadly he has followed. Boundaries will be set and followed through.

You are all so kind for offering help and advice, I am overwhelmed by the support. I suddenly feel less alone. Sending lots of love xxx

OP posts:
Bonelly · 01/04/2023 11:48

I think it's great that he can regulate at school. Then you know he does know how to behave and is succeeding at some parts of his life. We hurt the people we love most. Lock down has been atrocious for kids. He will come through this. You and your H need support to keep focussed on the long run.

MrsMullerBecameABaby · 03/04/2023 13:48

Usernamenotthis · 01/04/2023 11:15

Thank you all so much for taking the time to offer advice. I was so unsure about sharing but I’m so glad that I did. I have obviously shared too much about my past with my son but growing up where I did ( not the UK ) I didn’t want to continue the culture of secrets and shame. With no family to advise bringing up a child is difficult, his teachers thinking that he is a model student doesn’t make it easier. I’m not sure that boarding is the answer, it may make things easier in the short term but I want to try to make my son be a decent man not just make things easier for me.

I am going to go look at family therapy and engage with the websites offered by the lovely mums on here ( thank you xx). I will make sure to find the right person. My husband is fully on board , my son has never seen violence at home. He has seen a man who works incredibly hard to provide for him. My husband is what I would call a man before his time, his attitudes towards women, LGBT people and those who are struggling atm make him the best of men. He has possibly been too soft with my son but is willing to do what ever it takes.My son in seen in him a great role model but sadly he has followed. Boundaries will be set and followed through.

You are all so kind for offering help and advice, I am overwhelmed by the support. I suddenly feel less alone. Sending lots of love xxx

Good luck!

The line about wanting to make your son a decent man not just make your life easier short term separates you from those waving pitch forks and chanting that you should throw a mid teen out on the streets!

You've had a horrible start in life yourself yet you remain accountable and responsible - you'll get through this 🍰 ☕

candlewicket · 03/04/2023 14:08

OP you sound like a thoroughly nice and decent person.

I am sure your family will get through this

QueenMegan · 25/07/2023 17:05

Hope things will improve.

Please stop saying kick him out.

You can't. He's your responsibility and Social Services won't just place him in a home they don't exist. They'd be full.

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