My teenage son is horrible to us. 😢

[Usernamenotthis]

I am a regular poster but name changed for this.

This is very difficult to write but I feel so alone. My 16 year old son is so unpleasant and I feel I can’t cope anymore. He is verbally and physically abusive to me ( less so to my husband but still pretty cruel). He was always been a difficult boy but now that he is nearly a man I just long for the day he moves out. I feel he will use us to the end though and I have hit such a low point that I would rather not go on any longer. He has suggested on numerous occasions that I do just that.

He is a user and can be very manipulative when he want something but lacks empathy in every way.I had a very difficult childhood and suffered sexual, physical and emotional abuse. I am estranged from my family for over 20 years ( after speaking out). This was probably the only brave thing that I have ever done. My son knows the truth and now uses this against me in most horrible way.

My husband and I have built a good life for ourselves despite this and our son has had the best of everything including a world class education. He frequently reminds me of my lack. of education .We have alway been very honest with our son as I didn’t want him to grow up in a house full of secrets. Like many people with my past I am quite a private person though and I could never share this in real life.

Thank you for reading. xx

I agree absolutely that it is not normal.

I have three teens, the eldest nearly 18, two boys and a girl . I also work with teens.

TBH they're pretty lovely most of the time (obviously they have their moments but I pull them up immediately if they say anything unpleasant, and I only have to very occasionally).

I'm not in any way saying that to ascribe blame, but just to avoid normalising - the posters claiming this is normal aren't helping anyone. It isn't.

Agree that his school ethos may be fueling his sense of privilege and entitlement. Though seeing if he can board is a good idea.

I have two DSs now adults, one was really fine as a teen, no trouble at all.
the older one was awful for a few years - not usually verbally aggressive but didn’t speak to me at all for about three years, was very grumpy, I think maybe he was okay on the odd holiday but otherwise complete bastard.

he did push me a couple of times too.
I agree it’s not acceptable but it is not unusual and around half of my friends with teenage boys are experiencing the same.

I would never make my child homeless and it would have to be absolutely on the line to call the police, I think people with younger children often say they would do this and they haven’t been in this awful situation themselves.

both my boys are now friendly, respectful, lovely adults. There is hope.

I agree that your disclosure was probably a lot for him. Children can really struggle if their parents seem vulnerable, they don’t want to know that we are weak or needing etc, it’s not how the parent role works until they are much older. He may benefit from some therapy. It may also be helpful to show him you are strong, as weakness may leave him feeling afraid, often expressed as anger.

Bloody hell! You don't have to do anything official to get him out of the house and you don't have to keep paying for him. Just change the locks and call the police if he comes round kicking off. Ask your brother to collect his stuff and pass it to him, don't let him back into the house because if you do you'll end up needing to call the police to come escort him from the premises if he refuses to leave. He has no rights to stay in your home, is over 16 so an adult and he is abusive towards you. You don't need anyone's permission, you don't need to give him notice (I advise you not to if you think you wouldn't be safe) as he is not a tenant. You don't have to do what your son, brother or anyone else wants. You can simply choose not to let him live with you any longer. He will need to follow whatever process the council has for homeless people or sort out his housing situation himself. The only thing you can't do is steal his personal possessions.

Also - is he at an all boys’ public school? As this kind of attitude to women is not uncommon and some schools rather fuel it even in this day and age.

Agree with this. I think you need to present the options to him if he can't be respectful

• board and move out of home
• leave said posh school & go to local comprehensive or 6th form college

Also no lifts, pocket money, treats, school trips.

Just provide basics - prepare food & do washing & just ignore him otherwise. I honestly don't know if posh schools bring out the best in children. I just wonder how they treat staff at school like admin, kitchen, cleaners etc..

Swap his ‘world class education’ for a state sixth form, if it disrupts his A-Levels that’s his problem - he shouldn’t be using his privileged position to to place himself above his mum.
Call the police when he’s physically abusive. Give the statement, let them take him in and don’t go back on it. A criminal record should remind him that actions have consequences.
Before anyone says it’ll ruin his life, he’ll have done that himself.

Do not be ashamed of yourself, OP. This is not your fault.

It sounds as if you need to teach him that everyone deserves respect, regardless of their “position” in life. Somewhere along the line, that message has been lost.

he did push me a couple of times too.
I agree it’s not acceptable but it is not unusual and around half of my friends with teenage boys are experiencing the same.

It really isn't.

I have told him everything.

What do you mean you have told him everything?

If you told him about abuse you suffered it is going to have an effect on him, especially if he was young when you told him.

Is your husband his dad?
Has their relationship always been strained?

The fact that he’s so well behaved at school means either he is fully in control of his emotions and enjoys treating you this way or he’s actually masking during the day and then letting lose on the people he trusts the most.

I would firstly keep a log (that he can’t find) of the things that he does and call him out on his behaviour.
Tell him that he is 16 and it is time for him to grow up and stop acting so childish.
I would also threaten that if it carries on you will be getting the school or other agencies involved.

This is so difficult for you but I would speak to the school about his behaviour at home.
They may be able to offer some support, even if it’s just having a chat to him about his behaviour.

If this behaviour is intentional then he is going to hate having his perfect image put in jeopardy and just having someone else aware of his behaviour should make him think twice before repeating it.

I'd tell him you are no longer going to pay for his private education unless his attitude at home drastically improves. And I would mean it.

Maybe not the best solution in the long term - but for now why don’t you put him into boarding, considering his school provides this anyway.
As you’re already paying private, could you afford to do this? If yes explain that because of his behaviour you are sending him there.
I know this isn’t the best solution in the long term, but for now, isn’t that the simplest solution? Good luck

This is what I also wondered, but probably from a different point of view - in that I found that housemasters/mistresses can be a real bonus in this respect, as they're a sort of halfway house between parents and teachers. I know your son isn't a boarder, @Usernamenotthis - but is there a Head of Sixth Form or Academic Tutor whom you could ask for help? I sympathise with you enormously - parenting teenagers can be like wading through sand while being hit with a sledgehammer.

PP have suggested boarding, and I would say that's a good idea. One of my DC only boarded in the sixth form, and was far less entitled and unpleasant afterwards. It was partly because they grew up a bit, but it was also good for both of us to have a break from one another. I'd probably go down this route for your son - he keeps all the continuity but doesn't get to come home every day and treat you badly.

I don't think state school is the answer. All that would happen is that your son would have a real, genuine reason to behave badly (i.e. he would blame you for disrupting his A levels - I don't mean that state schools are a reason to behave badly, obviously). Don't give him ammunition.

BTW, it is not true that "posh schools" encourage children to treat people like staff. Any decent school of any hue expects young people to be polite and respectful to everyone - and a school that doesn't do this is a rotten school, however much it costs or doesn't cost.

And none of this is your fault! I am now, thankfully, through the teenage years and one of my DC was an absolute nightmare but is now mostly very pleasant.

I crossed with fairydust. I wouldn't use boarding as a punishment. I'd phrase it more along the lines of "I think it would be good for us to have some space from one another, so Dad and I have decided that it would be a good idea for you to board from September" (or after Easter, if possible...)

Your son needs to learn that actions have consequences. He is getting a good education, he will probably want to go to university. Make it clear that if this carries on he will not be getting financial help at university and he can get a job and fund himself. If he is physically abusive you call the police.

Do you give him money now? If so stop some of it each time he is badly behaved. If he, for example, needs lifts to see friends that is conditional on him doing chores.

He is possibly having problems at school he hasnt shared with you. Ask him if he wants to change schools, saying this one seems to be having a bad impact on him.

You don't have to put up with this. It makes my blood boil to see that women are suffering this abuse and violence in the name of 'motherhood'. Fuck that. Kick him out.

This doesn't sound normal at all. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I really think that family therapy might be the best option for you all, especially since it sounds like it is the culmination of many years of difficulties.

I think the two main causes of extreme behaviour like this are the child witnessing poor treatment of one parent in the home, or an attachment disorder. What you said about your own childhood and your struggles with your DS as a younger child makes me wonder if it could be an attachment disorder. If it is then family therapy could be very beneficial, not just to your relationships now but for his future relationships.

Book a meeting with his form tutor and tell them what he's like at home.....

One good thing about posh schools - they'll come down on a kid like a tonne of bricks.

Hi op, I am sorry you are in this situation. It sounds awful. I agree with others that this is not normal behaviour and, as his parents, I think you and your husband need to take a strong line to protect yourselves and help your son.
You feel shame which is stopping you tackling the issue. The shame is not yours. I agree with other posters that you should firstly speak to the school for support. Your son needs to know that you won't hide his behaviour for him.
Lay out boundaries and tell your Son that next time he is violent or physically attacks you, the police will be called. There also needs to be really strong consequences for his disrespectful attitude. Your husband needs to be on side.
I hope the advice lines other posters have linked to might help. You are feeling very low at the moment, would you consider accessing some counselling for yourself? Maybe speak in confidence with your GP? You have dealt with really difficult things in your life before so you will get through this. Good luck.

OP i truly sympathise with you. My son is 19 now and for the last 3 years he has been verbally abusive mainly to me but also to my DH his dad. The back story is that when he was in year 13 in October 2021 we thought he was suffering anxiety so we spoke to the school who arranged counselling for him. This didn't really make much difference so after his A levels in June 2022 we arranged family counselling because he had stopped speaking to us apart from when he was being abusive. After 2 or 3 sessions with the counsellor as well as a psychologist who sat in on the sessions the psychologist strongly felt he was autistic. We arranged a private assessment and in November 2022 he was diagnosed as being Autistic. He is now in his first year at university but is still living at home as he turned down offers from top universities because he didn't want to leave home. The verbal abuse has got slightly better but he is still not speaking to us apart from through his younger brother. The autism assessment recommended he had ongoing counselling as the anxiety was a symptom of the autism but he has refused. Until he accepts the diagnosis there is no way in moving forward. For those of you saying to OP throw him out etc it is easier said then done when it is your own flesh and blood. Also he was always the model student at school it was only when he came home it all fell apart and what we now know was he was masking. It is heartbreaking to go through but you have to be there for them.

I agree with @doubtfulguest above.

You will be doing him a favour in the long run by tackling this issue now because if he continues unchecked, he could treat a future partner this way and end up in prison.

good luck!

@xPaz When he is an adult you sell the house/end the tenancy and move to a one bedroom property.

In your first post, OP, you said he was ‘a user’, which I assumed meant he takes drugs. If that is so, then he needs to know that any drugs, especially in a young person, can and will have devastating effects on his brain. But it’s not an excuse for his appalling behaviour.
I no longer have contact with my son, who is now in his late 40’s, but he started taking drugs as a teenager, and turned from a loving happy child into a nasty, aggressive monster. I was so scared of him.

By “always been difficult” what do you mean? What traits did he display as a child/toddler?

Sadly I think it was probably a mistake for you to have told him about your childhood difficulties. It seems he despises you, and by not being able to set boundaries, you are adding fuel to the flames. Children / teens need strong parents, whatever they say.

You have had lots of good ideas. People are often reluctant to call the police but it may shame him into some sort of realisation to end up with a caution. IME the police are understanding and can make urgent referrals to support services (though my involvement is not crime related).

You and your DH need to have a united front. Agree some actions/ sanctions and unemotional responses. Getting upset just won't work.

I do have some experience of verbal abuse, from one of my daughters. She hurled awful insults at me, brought up things she perceived as my weaknesses - mainly when she was really struggling with something herself. If I could not keep my cool, I left it to my husband to deal with- he was the favoured one so didn't get the same degree of abuse.

In the past year though it's all gone and she never speaks to me like that any more. She says our relationship is much better. To me, the issues were always with her, but I don't say so. She was 16 at her worst, is now almost 18.

Throwing a 16/17 year old out is an absolute last resort and really it's shocking so many parents (?) are so casually advocating that. In the end we make our children who they are, and although we all make mistakes usually woth the best of intentions (and genetics of course plays a role) punishing a teen for who they are (who we've made them into in part) is unconscionable unless they're posing an immediate threat to other members of the household (parents or siblings).

Things that stand out of course are:

This teen was burdened with his mother's second hand trauma as a child - she says she told him "everything" about a horrifically abusive childhood.

This alone is, tbh, messed up, though the op may feel it was well intentioned in the spirit of not keeping secrets.

How old was he at the time, and dod he receive professional help to deal with this burden (which should never have been his to carry).

In addition to that he's been financially spoiled.

The two extremes (child as parent's emotional dump gets simultaneously spoilt materially to compensate) aren't that unusual but are hugely damaging.

Of course there could be more in the mix but that toxic combination is enough.

Tbh a very skilled family therapist appraised of the background is the only solution, in combination with firm boundaries and natural consequences of overstepping them (physical violence of any kind however minor and insults or swearing at a parent have the natural consequence that the parents will be disinclined to provide lifts and funds for anything but genuine necessities - you might need a third party such as the family therapist present when you set out the new reality of actions having consequences, and thrash out how this works for you in concrete terms before implementing).