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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

My 13 year old daughter just said she would hate to end up like me

124 replies

ilovelamp2 · 18/03/2023 22:55

I know I shouldn't be upset by this as we all want the best for our children and I know teenagers want/need their own identity but she's just said this and it's made me well up. For context, she was chatting about her plan to travel after uni, buy and run her own hotel and live in Greece. All good. But then she said 'Or I could train to be a teacher then teach in the school I went to' (that's me!) and then laughed and said of course she wouldn't because that is so sad.

OP posts:
Pepsiiscrap · 18/03/2023 22:58

That's not teenage thoughtlessness, that's deliberately rude and mocking. I hope you pulled her up on it.

I have a kid the same age and I don't like them mocking other people's life choices.

ÉireannachÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉ · 18/03/2023 23:00

Gosh I couldn't get upset over this. I don't think there's a teenager out there who is looking at their parents and wishing they were like them!

Lou670 · 18/03/2023 23:02

I wouldn't take that to heart. She is 13 and at that age they think they know it all! At that age they have no concept of how much everything costs and see things on a superficial level. They do grow up eventually and join in living in the real world like the rest of us! 'running a hotel' made me smile, I used to do that, although I didn't own it and if she does do that she will soon realize that it is not that well paid and working all hours under the sun. She will change her mind about a career choice many times between now and leaving Uni.

Zwicky · 18/03/2023 23:03

Have you read “hags” by Victoria Smith? She articulates really well how divisions between women along generational lines are a feature and a tool of patriarchy.

HerRoyalNotness · 18/03/2023 23:04

Yeah that’s rude. Make note of this convo and remind her of it when she has settled into her life. We all have big dreams when young, maybe you’re content in your life, if so, don’t let her comment upset you.

Codswallop20 · 18/03/2023 23:05

There is actual research and evidence that tells us teenagers are selfish and cannot understand how their actions affect others. They actually don't get it.

That doesn't mean they don't upset you (they upset me regularly) but they are a bit like toddlers in that everything is centered around them.

Discipline when required but don't take it to heart. My DD 17 is a delight these days after a couple of years of hell and hate. It isn't forever x

premicrois · 18/03/2023 23:05

She is 13 and has ambition- that's great. She probably didn't mean to be insensitive. People are quick to demonise teenagers but maybe she just got excited about her future possibilities!

Ireallydohope · 18/03/2023 23:07

Does it upset you because you wish you had travelled etc ? Made other choices?

You still can once DD is older

If you're content with your lot then perhaps you wouldn't be so bothered by her comment so much

Ireallydohope · 18/03/2023 23:08

Teens say stupid things all the time so the issue is more about your reaction maybe

MintJulia · 18/03/2023 23:09

She was rude but I don't think I'd be upset. More amused. She'll soon find that life is not the plot of Mama Mia.

If she achieves her plan, great, you can look forward to a retirement in the sun.

And to be fair, few teenagers want to end up like their parents. Nothing would have persuaded me to live my dm's life.

Mamaneedsadrink · 18/03/2023 23:10

It's a bit rude, although most people I know want their kids to do 'better than them', I know my parents certainly did; so I would take it as a good thing (assuming what she aspires to is good!)

Rinkydinkydoodle · 18/03/2023 23:12

Honestly, I find that unprovoked cheek and lacking in empathy. I know the YT are supposed to dream, aspire, their brains are configured differently and all that, but if either of mine said it to me I’d say you want to watch that lip, kid, if you’re going to be a success it might interest you to know we all think negative things, but it’s important to learn when to be quiet.

Eyerollcentral · 18/03/2023 23:37

Don’t take it to heart, what teenage girl wants to be like their mum? Very very few. She’ll cringe about saying that to you in the future. Forget it about it now, she is just trying to form her own identity. Why are you letting the words of a child who knows nothing of adult life affect you like this? She has maybe touched a nerve re how you feel about where your life is

TheMarzipanDildo · 18/03/2023 23:43

Was there a bit in the middle where you said “I think that might be a bit unrealistic?”

BotherThat · 18/03/2023 23:45

Why are you upset that a 13 year old thinks you’re ‘sad’? Do you think your life is sad? I aspire to live a life that teenagers deem boring. Who the hell wants to be thought of as cool and exciting by teens? Literally humans whose brains haven’t finished forming properly. I would laugh with glee if either of my DDs ever say I’m sad.

LilylilyDaisy · 18/03/2023 23:47

I wouldn't be hurt to my core but I would definitely use it as a learning opportunity for my DC as food for thought.

It's not that she wouldn't want to do what you did herself (that's fine) it's the "because that is so sad". I would probably say that whilst it's fine to have your own plans/hopes/dreams, It's rude to describe or sum up someone's significant life or career choices as "so sad" to their faces.

I wouldn't go mad over it though. She's very young and when people (parents) go mad over things like that it says a bit too much about their own self-esteem and doubts in their own choices, and touching a raw nerve. However she does need to learn, or at least start to recognise, the art of judgement regarding inappropriate/hurtful opinions. That's a really useful life skill.

LilylilyDaisy · 18/03/2023 23:50

TheMarzipanDildo · 18/03/2023 23:43

Was there a bit in the middle where you said “I think that might be a bit unrealistic?”

Apologies if I've misinterpreted, but do you mean the OP should have shot down the DD's own dreams for being unrealistic?

Original poster
ilovelamp2 · 19/03/2023 00:07

Thanks everyone. You have provided much needed perspective! We always holiday in Greece so that's where that bit is coming from as we do know quite a few people out there - not enough to automatically give her a hotel of course but I see where she's coming from! She's doing well at school so don't see any harm in just nodding and smiling along when she's chit chatting about her 'plans' - different if she was GCSE age but she's only just 13! As for my feelings about my life, I think some of you are right in thinking it's hit a nerve. I do know it is unusual to stay in your home town and I know people probably think I'm weird. But, and there are a few here, I do genuinely love where we live, happily married, both sets of parents are nearby and we all get on, brother here and cousins for our DD, I love the school I work in and have worked my way up from NQT to Deputy Head, never had a reason to leave. And when I say 'worked my way up'' actually mean applied fair and square against numerous external candidates. As a poster said, when we retire, we will travel. I think I do need to speak to her at a well chosen point about not being critical or passing comment on other people's life choices - she really can't say things like that to other people!

OP posts:
sammyjoanne · 19/03/2023 00:09

Shes at that age where she thinks she knows her own mind, but doesnt realise the impact of what she says and how it can hurt.
Dont go shooting her dreams, but for sure call up on why bringing someone down like that is not on and to have a bit more sensitivity and not to look down on other people whether its mum, friend or stranger.

BreviloquentBastard · 19/03/2023 00:14

Ouch. Teens can be so mean. Try not to take it to heart, she's young and thinks she knows it all and has it all figured out. My daughter is 15 and made a similar comment recently about the fact that I had her when I was 17. They can be so vicious, often without even meaning it!

Original poster
ilovelamp2 · 19/03/2023 00:15

Yeah - I think that's it really - she doesn't know everyone's context so needs to be more sensitive! Just to clarify, I've waited until she's in bed to visibly chew over this. I just replied with something like, 'There's nothing sad about being in a job you enjoy.' This parenting lark doesn't get any easier, does it?!

OP posts:
TomeTome · 19/03/2023 00:15

Very hurtful and she’s too old not to have that explained to her. Let her see she hurt you, you do her no favours by hiding the impact of her words. I doubt it was accidental but I also doubt she has any idea quite how horrid it was.

Luredbyapomegranate · 19/03/2023 00:21

She’s 13, 13 year olds say awful things. Testing boundaries and finding out who they are etc. Also totally self centred with little thought for other people’s feelings.

However, they do need direction when they behave like total arseholes, so if you feel you can, I would just say to her tomorrow - you know, I was thinking about what you said, and I really enjoy my job and life and don’t think it’s sad - but be careful about saying things like that to people, it’s rude and it might upset them. And leave her to think on it. Don’t debate.

Original poster
ilovelamp2 · 19/03/2023 00:22

I like that idea lured - I'll do that tomorrow. Thank you

OP posts:
Luredbyapomegranate · 19/03/2023 00:23

TheMarzipanDildo · 18/03/2023 23:43

Was there a bit in the middle where you said “I think that might be a bit unrealistic?”

Buying a hotel in Greece, Spain etc is not an especially unusual thing to do.

Also shooting down a teenagers ambitions is a crap thing to do.