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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

My 13 year old daughter just said she would hate to end up like me

124 replies

ilovelamp2 · 18/03/2023 22:55

I know I shouldn't be upset by this as we all want the best for our children and I know teenagers want/need their own identity but she's just said this and it's made me well up. For context, she was chatting about her plan to travel after uni, buy and run her own hotel and live in Greece. All good. But then she said 'Or I could train to be a teacher then teach in the school I went to' (that's me!) and then laughed and said of course she wouldn't because that is so sad.

OP posts:
pinkfondu · 19/03/2023 08:37

Would probably mention that everything you have done, or not done, has resulted in dds existence and life!

smellyflowers · 19/03/2023 08:38

Ouch!

RedHelenB · 19/03/2023 08:38

ÉireannachÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉ · 18/03/2023 23:00

Gosh I couldn't get upset over this. I don't think there's a teenager out there who is looking at their parents and wishing they were like them!

This. Great that she wants to spread her wings.

BumpyaDaisyevna · 19/03/2023 08:39

I think I would have kept it light and said "oy madam! This sad woman who teaches in the school she went to is the one that cares for you and provides for you! So some respect please!"

Phineyj · 19/03/2023 08:40

What helps me when dealing with rude or thoughtless teenage students is imagining them grown up in some kind of position of authority dealing with students their age.

Try it.

I also used to teach in my old school (although I did 20 years of other stuff in between) - ultimately a school is a workplace that pays you. And helps support said 13 year old.

She'd be in a right pickle if there was no-one to teach her.

Strongboat · 19/03/2023 08:41

@CalpolDependant 😂

Greenfairydust · 19/03/2023 08:41

Why is it mean though?

If you are happy with your job you would not be bothered by the comment.

The fact is that you chose to teach at the school you went to.

Completely normal at 13 to find the idea of being stuck in the same school forever without experiencing the rest of the world unappealing...

It was a bit thoughtless of her to laugh about it, but you would not be upset if you buy into the idea that your career choice are second-best.

If you enjoy what you do all you had to say was ''I hope your plans come true but I actually really enjoy my job and I am very good at it''.

I had a childhood friend who did this: her mother was a school teacher and my friend ended up training as a school teacher and now works in the very same school as her mother, she also lives about 15 minutes from her parent. If I am honest I always wondered why she made those choices and if she really gave herself the options to build a different life. At least your daughter has ambition.

GinAndTony · 19/03/2023 08:43

Totally normal and not worth getting upset about. It would be more worrying if she’d said she wanted her life to be exactly like yours- not that there’s anything wrong with your life, but teens should be looking out at the world not planning to be the same as their 40-something mum.

It wasn’t expressed very thoughtfully. I think I’d have dealt with it at the time by saying “thanks a lot!” with a laugh- enough to make her aware of how it sounded but not anything more than that.

Hardbackwriter · 19/03/2023 08:49

I think it's absolutely normal and healthy to not want to be like your parents when you're 13. But her comment wasn't thoughtless, it was deliberately aimed at you to be hurtful, and I do think she should know that that isn't ok.

HiImTheProblemItsMe · 19/03/2023 08:54

To be fair, I would have been equally horrified by that at 13. Conversely, I came from a family who had travelled, emigrated, lived all around the world. When we moved to the UK and there were kids at school with parents who had also been to that school and had always lived in the same house etc, I found it baffling! I was adamant there was no way that would ever be me and I was very derisive of that sort of set up.

Anyway, I did travel and I have lived abroad and dh and I moved to a vibrant city away from our families, but guess what? We really miss them and are now planning to move closer to them.

I am a teacher now and I really value a sense of community. I work with people who went to the school and really enjoy seeing families work their way through - at the moment I've only seen siblings but if I stay long enough, it will be amazing to see children of previous students! However, I may well end up working at the school I attended when we moved here, with the move in the pipeline, and I'd be thrilled. I don't see it as horrifying or stifling or sad anymore.

Don't take it to heart. If your dd does as she says then great! If she doesn't, don't throw it back in her face. She's young and she sees the world as her oyster, as she absolutely should! One day she may reflect on her words, as I know I have, but equally it may have just been a throw-away comment and she'll have forgotten all about it.

MiddleParking · 19/03/2023 08:54

Greenfairydust · 19/03/2023 08:41

Why is it mean though?

If you are happy with your job you would not be bothered by the comment.

The fact is that you chose to teach at the school you went to.

Completely normal at 13 to find the idea of being stuck in the same school forever without experiencing the rest of the world unappealing...

It was a bit thoughtless of her to laugh about it, but you would not be upset if you buy into the idea that your career choice are second-best.

If you enjoy what you do all you had to say was ''I hope your plans come true but I actually really enjoy my job and I am very good at it''.

I had a childhood friend who did this: her mother was a school teacher and my friend ended up training as a school teacher and now works in the very same school as her mother, she also lives about 15 minutes from her parent. If I am honest I always wondered why she made those choices and if she really gave herself the options to build a different life. At least your daughter has ambition.

Are you also 13, or just unusually socially inept?

ChilliHeelerFanClub · 19/03/2023 08:54

Ireallydohope · 18/03/2023 23:07

Does it upset you because you wish you had travelled etc ? Made other choices?

You still can once DD is older

If you're content with your lot then perhaps you wouldn't be so bothered by her comment so much

Gosh, imagine holding onto a comment made when your kid is 13 and bringing it up presumably 10ish years later when they’re settled into adult life to make a point.

What outcome would you expect from that - other than destroying your relationship with them? I assume to make them feel bad for something that a) they can’t do anything about and b) was said as a child before they’d gained any life experience at all.

We all said stupid stuff as a teenager, and it’s a chance to educate at the time rather than save it for ammunition down the line.

Xrays · 19/03/2023 08:54

Teens always say stuff like this. They’re mostly selfish and have no life experience. Just say how rude and laugh it off, that’s what we’ve done. Dd now aged 20 used to say she didn’t want to end up doing office work like dh and would openly be quite rude about it - he used to get upset by it but now she’s a bit older she realises she was wrong. She’s now at university and has had a taste of real life and realises how hard getting a job- especially a good job- is!

ChilliHeelerFanClub · 19/03/2023 08:57

Oops, sorry @Ireallydohope, quoted the wrong post there. I meant the one from @HerRoyalNotness that said “Make note of this convo and remind her of it when she has settled into her life.”

Whiteroomjoy · 19/03/2023 09:18

She is 13, not an adult and still needs Parenting and teaching.
what she said was fine - she’s 13 she can dream away all she wants. Saying she doesn’t want to do what you do or be like you - fair dos, in fact it would be worrying if she didn’t.

but, when you have composed yourself, now is a good time to ask her to have a discussion with her. Make it clear it’s not punishment or angry. Just a calm chat.

. Say first, you’re fine with her expressing herself and talking about her future and ambitions - good to hear and nice to talk with her. But, the conversation ended very badly for you. When she said “sad” you felt patronised, small and shamed. Did she mean to do that and if so why? Let her talk …
then I’d say something like have you heard of Maya Angelou and heard what she had to say about this , and then quote “ “I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

then discuss it with her. Most powerfully talk about a time when you realise you spoke to someone in a way they’d never forget and that you regret. Get her to also think of times when people have said things positively that have stayed with her.

then, if she’s still holding out and listening, ask her to repeat the conversation she had with you about your choices and express herself better without making you feel patronised and upset.

AcornGreen · 19/03/2023 09:20

Don’t you want a better life for your daughter than to be a teacher at the local school?

RandomMess · 19/03/2023 09:22

@ilovelamp2 as well as what Lured said I would also add that you are so happy that you found a partner to build a loving marriage with and appreciate that you have a warm and loving family that have helped raise her.

Point out that some people don't have that and are alone and that's a sad thing.

Teens are just urgh, well cutting and immature!

BumpyaDaisyevna · 19/03/2023 09:23

I used to come home from college aged 20 and tell my parents that they were really boring and needed to get out more.

My father gently pointed out that they had done their time at university socialising and were a very happy with their quiet life thank you.

But I don't think he took it personally.

Greenfairydust · 19/03/2023 09:23

''@MiddleParking

Are you also 13, or just unusually socially inept?''

you are welcome to disagree with my comment but I would suggest making some kind of cohesive argument rather than posting some snarky personal attack.

It hardly screams maturity and social grace on your part...

Blueblell · 19/03/2023 09:30

Oh come on - which teenage girl wants to be like her mum! I would just be happy that she is thinking about the future. Kids can say things like this but when she is an adult trying to make her way in the world she will realise that becoming a teacher is an achievement.

Dogsitterwoes · 19/03/2023 09:42

I used to say similar hurtful things to my Mum with absolutely no malice intended, and be baffled when they went down like a lead balloon. Empathy takes a while to kick in. It took a few explanations on why not to say these things for it to sink in.

Redebs · 19/03/2023 09:44

Zwicky · 18/03/2023 23:03

Have you read “hags” by Victoria Smith? She articulates really well how divisions between women along generational lines are a feature and a tool of patriarchy.

Sounds interesting
Thank you

Redebs · 19/03/2023 09:46

13 year olds say (and do) some horrible things. You can embarass her about it when she older.
Mine were horrified when I merely suggested them going into teaching. Wise kids!

EmilyGilmoresSass · 19/03/2023 09:48

I was all geared up to say I would love my daughter to have this attitude because I absolutely do not want her life to go anything like mine has, with the only highlight being having her. However, in your case it was rather rude and cruel. Try not to take it to heart, sometimes teens don't seem to realise their jokes aren't funny and instead are really rather hurtful.

BlueKaftan · 19/03/2023 09:48

Tell her she’s not being very original copying the movie Mamma Mia.