My 13 year old daughter just said she would hate to end up like me

[ilovelamp2]

I know I shouldn't be upset by this as we all want the best for our children and I know teenagers want/need their own identity but she's just said this and it's made me well up. For context, she was chatting about her plan to travel after uni, buy and run her own hotel and live in Greece. All good. But then she said 'Or I could train to be a teacher then teach in the school I went to' (that's me!) and then laughed and said of course she wouldn't because that is so sad.

I overheard a teen girl talking disparagingly about her mother who is a surgeon saying that she doesn't even do plastic surgery, she only does like ' spleens and stuff like that'

It's developmental, part of establishing their own individuality/identity, the first step of that is that they have to reject yours.

Whether they do that privately to themselves or spit it out in a moment of hurt/venom they all do this. Try to remember back to being a teenager - I bet there was an aspect of at least one if not both of your parents that you thought "Ugh I don't want to be like THAT". (I remember railing against what I thought of as my mum's obsession with being tidy, which I equated with conformist and boring - I now lecture my kids about being more tidy and boring, and they don't get it either!) You probably grew out of it and so will she. It won't make a difference if you lecture her about it or not. Try not to take it personally!

I don't think it's true all the veiled comments about "if you were happy it wouldn't upset you" either - it is designed to be upsetting, so of course it would upset you. It's OK to be upset but do understand that it's not coming from a place of criticism or that you've done somewhing wrong, it's just a step of her figuring out what she wants from life.

I did it too but have moved to a different specialism and school now. I can see how people may think that and have seen similar nasty comments from grown women on here. Your dd was just saying how she felt for her rather than trying to upset you. I would have said, ‘great I’ll come and stay in my 6 week holiday while you’re fixing toilets in 40 degree heat!’ Not really but I’m just saying it is a view lots of people have but more fool them because actually I get so much from being in the area I grew up in which is thankfully very sought after.

Teenagers are so casually brutal. It is normal and they are evaluating people to figure out who they are, but it is relentless.

You (I mean anyone parenting teens really) have to get your own self-worth elsewhere, not from them, because they define themselves against you deliberately. You have to develop a protective skin. When you have a (good) partner and friends and job, they can help you keep perspective. You can kind of roll your eyes together later and private and think 'Just you wait! I was like you once!'

I remember during lockdown my friends who were single parents of teenagers just got completely destroyed by the constant casual contempt. No one there to roll their eyes with and so they became riddled with self-doubt on top of all the other stresses.

Teenagers are arseholes sometimes, and other times they are totally lovely and it brings you up short.

Whenever mine pulled a stunt like being disparaging about me i used to give them a Mona Lisa smile and say something like "that's lovely, dear"

Now they are adults, they sometimes say sorry for things they'd said that I'd forgotten about. And one works with teenagers and she says "oh mum, all teenagers are horrible they never think about their actions or other people and they never do what they're told" and i just smile and say "and why do you think i wouldn't know this?" then we laugh about it.

When my lot say this stuff, I always point out some of the steps they’ll need to take to get to their goals. Eg learning good maths so they can do the accounts, what uni course they might do, how they’ll need capital. The other stuff is just an expression of a normal developmental stage. I’d probably say that’s a bit rude, the pivot to the goal stuff.

Yeah, there are not that many 13 yr old girls these days who dream of becoming a teacher.
It’s not a lifestyle that they see glamourously represented on tiktok or insta. Just wait for reality and maturity to hit and in the meantime, nod, smile, say running a hotel in Greece would be amazing!
Who knows, maybe that’s what she’ll achieve but I guarantee that in a few years she’ll look at you with appropriate admiration x

I think I’d have said something along the lines of “well, if it’s so sad then you’ll be getting a job to pay for the fees to go
to university? And for all your own flights for Greece? Presumably it’s not so sad that you’re not prepared to enjoy some of the benefits of my job as a deputy head teacher…..?”

The mature “that was upsetting and unpleasant”
conversation is probably best here. Although I’m not sure I could resist a few PA digs along the lines of “you won’t want sad old me to do that for you/pay for that etc”.

I'm afraid she's just 13 and thoughtless - it would be fine to point out that mocking other people's life choices is rude and potentially hurtful.

In 10 years she will be sighing and explaining with exaggerated patience why your politics and opinions are wrong.

In 20 years she will be muttering about how very very lucky your generation was, and how her generation has it harder than any previous generation ever.

And so on. You probably did similar to your parents. It's the real circle of life

Crikey. I wouldn’t do that! Either accept that she’s comfortable enough in her relationship to voice what 99.9% of teenagers think or tell her she’s crossed a line for you and said something hurtful that doesn’t need saying. Storing it up to hurl back in later years will only poison things between you unnecessarily, as it makes one comment that you perceived negatively (that she may not remember even saying in the future) from an near infinite number of moments between you and your child have way more importance that it needs to.

A prevailing theory is that humans are designed to focus on negative moments in their lives more as it’s great for paying attention to danger that threatens survival. However it also means negative moments that are pondered and analysed are processed more deeply and take on more importance that needed as they get remembered more strongly. It can theoretically lead to you enjoying your life less that if you went for example - ouch that stung, what has it triggered in me ( eg did it hit a thought I have about myself or do I think they deliberately tried to hurt me for a moment) and then move on. Teenagers need to cut those apron strings and the more ruthlessly they do the best it is for your flea irons up with your adult child ( is my personal theory!). I have found it so painful and I do miss the younger versions of my kids, but that’s the past now. I love the debate and humour that is part of having teenage kids. It has thrown up lots of unresolved angst from my own childhood to the extent is was impacting my relationship with mu eldest in particular. I asked for CBT via NHS and actually got recommended EMDR for cPTSD and it’s changed my life!

Should have proof read before hitting send. Should “say future relationship” rather than anything to do with fleas!

I wouldn’t mention this to her again, OP. At least not for the foreseeable. It’s time to play the long game.

I don’t think it would be too difficult to intentionally hobble your daughter from here into adulthood.

I’d start by removing her desk from her room. Studies show that children without an adequate place to do their homework are less successful in the long term.
Keep an eye on the nutritional value of her food, particularly breakfast, so that she can’t focus at school.
If you can, smoke in front of her, as she’s significantly more likely to take up smoking if one of her parents does it. You can also encourage binge drinking by referring to every hour after 12 noon as “wine o’clock”. Even if you don’t drink yourself.

There are obvious things too like not paying for school trips and “forgetting” to sign her student finance forms when she’s 17.

Fast forward 20 years and you will definitely have a daughter that has turned out significantly worse than a woman that teaches at her old school. Then is the time to bring it up.

“Guess my life isn’t so bad after all, eh!!?”

Long game, OP. Long game.

At 13 I would have hated the idea of the life I live now. Think back - wouldn't you?

I'm sure at 13 you could have imagined something bigger than the world you lived in the and - by chance and circumstance - still now inhabit.

Don't be offended. She's just a thoughtless kid.

That's definitely hurtful, she does deserve to get a bit bollocked for that. And told why it's a mean thing to say. You could make up and watch Mama Mia together afterwards, which seems to be where she's found her inspiration for her future plans!

I wouldn't be upset.

DD15 told me she 'totally judges' me for not doing more with my education. 😂

I worked in the city and then gave up work completely to bring up the children and now I work in a school doing admin as it fits in with my children's schooling and being available to drive them everywhere in the holidays...

I would have been appalled to imagine myself being this person 30 yrs ago!

I get ‘what have you done with your life?’ All the time from my 11 year old DS. He just sees me in the middle of the small children fog, where as I didn’t have him until I was 30 and had an amazing time in my 20s with my friends and travelling.

I really wouldn’t take to heart. Let her dream big! She will find out soon enough that sometimes adult reality doesn’t work like that.

Truthfully, I'd have thought it was all a bit sad at her age too.

Now that I'm older and in a job I hate (and questioning whether I hate my career), I'm really jealous that you are so content with your lot. I'd love to have a job that I felt I'd earned, was really good at, and that made me feel fulfilled.

People's perspectives change over time as they grow up, mature and get more wisdom behind them. And, has been said already, teenagers always think they know everything and are selfish, selfish creatures. I was no different at DD's age. I know better now.

Not only would I have been wrong to judge, the judgement would have been wrong. I do envy you, OP. My teenager self would not have, but my middle-aged self really does.

You're really winning at life, OP. No one can take that away from you.

I would probably have said “sounds amazing, can’t wait to spend all my school holidays with you at your hotel in Greece” then probably started singing “you can dance, you can jive, having the time of your liiiiiiffffeeee ooohh…” under my breath.

Honestly this is the kind of wanky thing I would have said to my (teacher) mum as a teen. My teen self would find my life sooooo boring now, I’ve never been happier!

I would say that it’s you living your life that has enabled her to live hers. Nothing wrong with your life at all. Has she been watching Mamma Mia by any chance?

Haven’t read all the replies but just wanted to chip in and say that she sounds like a very ambitious and determined young girl, which is wonderful. Needs a few lessons in the empathy department but don’t all 13 year olds.

You’ve given her strong foundations so should feel incredibly proud. Unless she had form for this kind of remark, let go of what she said because she’ll learn, as she grows, that you’ve given her safety and stability and your life choices meant she had a happy upbringing. Even if she did say something brattish in the moment!

The fact that you are a teacher and still want to remain a teacher because you like the school you are in is a fabulous thing ( and a small miracle). Enjoy it and all the other stuff of your life. I moved away but then came back when my first marriage failed. I taught at the school I attended as a child and sent my children there. My new grandchild will go there in a few years. Most of my family are close by. It's a wonderful thing. Thirteen year olds want to be cool. It's very exhausting being cool. She will make of life what she will that doesn't mean your life choices were any less good.

Just say good I hope you do

I remember looking at my parents life - professional jobs, house they liked doing diy and gardening on, family trips to national trust places, friends over for dinner at the weekend and thinking that was really sad and I wouldn’t end up like that and umm here I am living that life and very happy! Funnily enough my teenager has a similar view that our lives are boring and she will be a cool mum and do all kinds of “cool” stuff. I get it as there’s lots of mundane boring stuff to my life but I always point out it’s what makes her life work.

Like others I think the comment was rude.
But I wouldnt come at it as ‘it was hurtful’. I think we all make choices and no one is entitled to judge those and evaluate whether they are/were good choices or not.
In your case, staying where yo are mean family around, friends, a network that your dd has hugely benefited from. Same with working in a school, aka having school hols off as a teacher etc…

So I’d remind her that your choices are yours and worked very well because this is what you wanted. Being close to family was important blabla <insert your reasons to stay in the same town>. Point out how she benefited from it too.
Don’t let her (and others? - see the fact you think most people will say you are weird to have stayed in the same town/school) tell you what is the right choice for you.

She needs to learn to accept other people choices and to not automatically judge (negatively) when it’s not a choice she would make.