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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

My 13 year old daughter just said she would hate to end up like me

124 replies

ilovelamp2 · 18/03/2023 22:55

I know I shouldn't be upset by this as we all want the best for our children and I know teenagers want/need their own identity but she's just said this and it's made me well up. For context, she was chatting about her plan to travel after uni, buy and run her own hotel and live in Greece. All good. But then she said 'Or I could train to be a teacher then teach in the school I went to' (that's me!) and then laughed and said of course she wouldn't because that is so sad.

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 19/03/2023 00:23

travel after uni, buy and run her own hotel and live in Greece

Snort 🙄

Original poster
ilovelamp2 · 19/03/2023 00:27

HeddaGarbled · 19/03/2023 00:23

travel after uni, buy and run her own hotel and live in Greece

Snort 🙄

Well, yes it may not happen but I don't see the harm. As I said, she is working hard at school so our view is that at least she has an idea of what sector she's interested in and a specific job will come later.

OP posts:
Aintnomountainhighenough79 · 19/03/2023 00:29

It was rude and hurtful, however it is not unique, do not take this personal. Genuinely it has no reflection on you or your parenting skills, or your life choices. As a parent of three who has nearly navigated the teenage years completely (my oldest is nearly 30) they say shit, speaking plainly, no one wants to be like their parents at that age.

SemperIdem · 19/03/2023 00:54

I remember writing similar in my diary at that sort of age. My mum then read said diary and got her feelings massively hurt.

At 34, I reflect on it and feel mortified that I thought so poorly of my actually very successful and accomplished mum.

I also accept my own child will think the same of me at that sort of age.

Teenagers just aren’t very nice a lot of the time op, but they grow up and their perspective changes.

Ireallydohope · 19/03/2023 01:27

Well at least you know you're happy and have made the right choices for you so that she can now make the right or wrong choices for herself

notagain2020 · 19/03/2023 02:03

Has she been watching 'Shirley Valentine' on repeat loop?

EarringsandLipstick · 19/03/2023 02:16

OP, I think your life & your job sound pretty wonderful!

I'm glad you've reflected & feel less hurt.

I don't think she said anything too terrible - it's perfectly normal for teens to reject any notion they might end up like their parents! But equally, saying something that's thoughtlessly hurtful isn't ok, and saying it to her at a separate point is a good idea.

MrsOrange · 19/03/2023 02:22

At a similar age I told my mum that I was never going to be poor like her. I look back and cringe at how unthinking I was. And over the years have apologised a hundred times.

However that same thought did propel my ambitions and I made a lot of life choices based on a desire to not live like I did as a child and they paid off. She needs to know when she's been rude but equally she needs encouragement that actually she may own a hotel and live that life. Why not? It might not be an easy journey to get there but it doesn't mean it can't happen.

Adrelaxzz · 19/03/2023 02:27

Luredbyapomegranate · 19/03/2023 00:23

Buying a hotel in Greece, Spain etc is not an especially unusual thing to do.

Also shooting down a teenagers ambitions is a crap thing to do.

Show quote history

This.
Yes she was rude but staying iny home town would have been .y idea of hell. My best friend did and loves it.
Never crush their dreams especially through projection.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 19/03/2023 02:33

Good lord, my DSs have said some things I haven't been happy with but they've never outright mocked me.

I have told them straight out "you do NOT get to talk to me like that! I don't talk to you like that and I will NOT tolerate being spoken to like that. Is. That. Clear??!!"

I get back a very sheepish "sorry mum".

Yes, they push boundaries, but being mean to me is not something I will allow. Especially given I am a single parent. No way, no how.

Doingmybest12 · 19/03/2023 05:19

I wouldn't make a big thing of it. We all say/said stupid things at times. She will probably know she has overstepped. Today is a new day .

Autienotnautie · 19/03/2023 05:35

Very normal to have a derogatory perspective towards parents. It's easy to see things that way before you start adulting. It gets a lot harder once you have responsibilities as she will realise once's she's there.

Startingagainn · 19/03/2023 05:38

Yeah that’s rude. Make note of this convo and remind her of it when she has settled into her life

OP, please don’t do this. Either have it out with her now and have a discussion about empathy…or never. Don’t sit on this secretly resentful and tuck it away only to bring it up when she’s older, it’s completely unnecessary and OTT. Young adults don’t need reminding of all the daft things they said in their early teens.

FWIW I used to work with teens in care and I remember one throwing my job in my face. Me and another worker were trying to convince him to attend an education session and he was like “ for what, so I grow up and do jobs like you do” in a very sneery way. I actually found it funny he thought us working with kids like him was a bad thing 😂. I actually loved it btw although I’ve moved on since. Teens can be very moody and inconsiderate sometimes - don’t take it to hurt but your proposed reply of reminding her to not be so critical and rude over peoples life’s choice is a good one!

erinaceus · 19/03/2023 05:41

Teenagers (and adult children too) are laser sharp at picking up on parents’ insecurities. Maybe at some level she knew this dig at your life choices would irk you and it’s part of testing you.

I think it is appropriate to let her know that her comments are hurtful to you. She can have her own ambitions without being mean about your life choices. Meanness is unnecessary.

If she’s keen on hospitality as a career this means she can step up her efforts to set the table, empty the dishwasher, and make her bed daily - it’s good practise for her future career 👍🏼👍🏼

Daffodil18 · 19/03/2023 05:49

She is a teenager and most want to leave school asap and would find it ‘sad’ if one of their peers said ‘I want to stay at this school forever’. I was that teenager who then went working in a local high school haha she is just having banter with you so don’t make a big deal of it. She’s just been watching too much Mama Mia by the sounds of it.

MissEira · 19/03/2023 05:52

ÉireannachÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉ · 18/03/2023 23:00

Gosh I couldn't get upset over this. I don't think there's a teenager out there who is looking at their parents and wishing they were like them!

This.

As a teenager i always thought my mum has such a sad boring life. Housewife, living in the smallest village surrounded by nothing interesting.
I travelled the world and live abroad in different countries for over 10 years altogether.
Guess what im doing now? I live in the same village I grew up in, close to lots of family and I was a sahm for years (just started part-time work).
And im so happy in my “sad pathetic life” 😃

HelloBunny · 19/03/2023 06:03

I found my mum totally embarrassing at that age.

And she was actually quite cool.

My plan was to marry a pop star.

itsabigtree · 19/03/2023 06:35

HerRoyalNotness · 18/03/2023 23:04

Yeah that’s rude. Make note of this convo and remind her of it when she has settled into her life. We all have big dreams when young, maybe you’re content in your life, if so, don’t let her comment upset you.

Don't do that! That spiteful, no good parent would do that.

Talapia · 19/03/2023 06:53

The foolishness of youth.😁

You've done really well,in life Teens of this age are trying to create their own path. It's a natural part of growing up, realising that you make decisions and you're not actually going to be your Mum, part 2😂

I'm sure in a few years time, she'd be mortified she made such a comment.

redrobininmygarden · 19/03/2023 06:54

Codswallop20 · 18/03/2023 23:05

There is actual research and evidence that tells us teenagers are selfish and cannot understand how their actions affect others. They actually don't get it.

That doesn't mean they don't upset you (they upset me regularly) but they are a bit like toddlers in that everything is centered around them.

Discipline when required but don't take it to heart. My DD 17 is a delight these days after a couple of years of hell and hate. It isn't forever x

You have put this out very well. I have 11 year old, not even teenager yet. I can't believe how much she has changed already, some days she says things that make me feel tearful and other days are absolutely fun to be with her. I hope ,like you said that it will get better.

SeasonFinale · 19/03/2023 06:55

Unlike another poster I wouldn't mention it again today unless you want a row on mother's day. Either write it off as a teen not wanting to be like their mother, a teen not realising that at some stage life kicks in and the fantasy life goes aside (or perhaps she may make it happen). I'd be more inclined to make a joke of it back (if you feel the need to) such as when she asks for cash for something by laughing and referring to it being available from my sad job in my sad life.

AxolotlOnions · 19/03/2023 07:25

She says she doesn't want to be like you but her plan is almost identical to your life plan. You grew up to work in your childhood school, she wants to grow up to work in her childhood holiday!

MultipleVeganPies · 19/03/2023 07:30

She’s just a kid, and if you are genuinely happy with your life choices it should not have hit a nerve

no teen wants to end up like their mum and dad

just smile snd nod, tbh I would actually laugh at this 😁

Dolphinnoises · 19/03/2023 07:32

What did you say to get in the moment though? Did you tell her that was hurtful? It’s really important she in distance you’re an actual human being with feelings and needs. She doesn’t want to end up like one member of my extended family who still seems to see his parents as an extension of himself.

DustyLee123 · 19/03/2023 07:33

Teenagers can be so cutting, I remember it well !