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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

My 13 year old daughter just said she would hate to end up like me

124 replies

ilovelamp2 · 18/03/2023 22:55

I know I shouldn't be upset by this as we all want the best for our children and I know teenagers want/need their own identity but she's just said this and it's made me well up. For context, she was chatting about her plan to travel after uni, buy and run her own hotel and live in Greece. All good. But then she said 'Or I could train to be a teacher then teach in the school I went to' (that's me!) and then laughed and said of course she wouldn't because that is so sad.

OP posts:

Meem321 · 19/03/2023 09:49

Yes, it was absolutely a fucking rude comment intended to hurt you.

So, she deserves to be picked up on it.

However, she also deserves to be encouraged in her desire for more than her small town life. Props to you OP for working your way up to DH (honestly, I appreciate what an achievement this is), but to a 13 year old mind, which has no appreciation of the politics of the British Education system, I can appreciate how working in the same school, same town forever might look to be less than aspirational.

DanceMonkey19 · 19/03/2023 09:57

Ah OP that was hurtful. Par for the course with teens though. I swear I genuinely believed my parents were born old and knew nothing. What a twat I was 😂

CovertImage · 19/03/2023 10:08

Once again a huge proportion of MN thinks it's fine for your kids - of any age apparently - to talk shit to you "because kids innit"

philautia · 19/03/2023 10:10

Perhaps more sad is the fact that she would like to base her future life on the plot of Mamma Mia?

You have nothing to be ashamed of in your work, I think it's speaks volumes that you teach at the same school you attended.

Teenagers can be irritating, it will pass.

TheMoth · 19/03/2023 10:13

To be fair, I actively tell my kids not to go into teaching. At 13 and 18 and 21, being a teacher was the last thing I was going to do. Living in my shitty little part of the country was the saddest thing in the world.

But here I am. Loving it all!

My mum was just starting to come out of her sahm phase when I was 13. I definitely wanted more for myself than the life she had ended up in. Don't think I ever said it though.

If my dc said that to me , I'd tell them they were cheeky twats and to crack on.

FleetIlya · 19/03/2023 10:14

Your DD was thoughtless (read others' posts about why this is a normal neurological stage to go through), and you're entitled to feel upset

But I feel like you might be projecting a lot of dissatisfaction with your own life onto your daughter with your reaction. Do you wish your life had turned out differently?

I read a phrase somewhere although I'm probably not quite remembering it right. Something like "Growing up means developing the traits which would have saved our parents".

TheMoth · 19/03/2023 10:16

I do think it's normal not to want to be like our parents too. Dd still thinks I'm amazing and looks up to me, but that will pass and I'm fine with it. They need to separate from us and often that means rejecting us, or at least part of us.

I have a better life than my mum, partly because I knew which bits of her life I definitely wouldn't want. Lazy arse husband for one.

LividNC · 19/03/2023 10:20

She’s hit a nerve, but I don’t think she’s been deliberately awful.

What seems exciting when you’re a teen is not what causes happiness in later life.

Maybe you do feel deep down that you’d like a bit more excitement? But also, it might be worth an honest chat about what ACTUALLY makes a happy life for you, and that you’ve made conscious choices to be where you are and doing what you’re doing.

PaigeMatthews · 19/03/2023 10:21

My daughter has a similar plan and is the same age. We went to greece last year and she loved it. She wants to be flight crew for a couple of years and then move to greece. Me and dh also wanted to live in greece when we were in our 20’s.

As a poster said, when we retire, we will travel.
do not rely on this. My parents holidayed every year twice a year and had big travel plans for retirement too. And they both retried well before official retirement age. They had five years before illness and disability started to impact their plans. 13 years after early retirement and my mum is housebound. My dad keeps telling me not to wait to see places. He is desperate to be back on a cruise ship.

theveg · 19/03/2023 10:25

OP I vividly remember being about 13 and seeing my mum come home from work, knackered and then go straight to the kitchen and start peeling potatoes to prepare dinner for our family of 6, and thinking "what a rubbish life" and that such drudgery wasn't what I wanted for myself.

Now I cringe and think, why didn't I help peel the potatoes! But also, I realise now of course that my mum had a great life- she had a fulfilling job, a happy marriage, a loving family, a beautiful home which she made for us all and she was so involved in her community. Now she is like my idol!

You sound like you have a very content life and working your way up to be a deputy head is no mean feat.

Remember this from Middlemarch: "for the growing good of the world is partly dependent on unhistoric acts; and that things are not so ill with you and me as they might have been, is half owing to the number who lived faithfully a hidden life, and rest in unvisited tombs" ❤️

DisforDarkChocolate · 19/03/2023 10:27

I'd have laughed at this it's so normal for a teenager.

Tekkentime · 19/03/2023 10:29

Whether she says it or not, she thinks it. Stop being so fragile, she's 13!

Abraxan · 19/03/2023 10:30

I don't think it's right to shoot down her ideas, like some posters have suggested. Kids have lots of far flung fantasies about their life. Whilst often unrealistic, time will tell is they are achievable.

However her comments about you were rude and I do think she should be pulled up on that. 12/13 is plenty old enough to know better and I don't think we do children any favours by leaving that kind of behaviour unchecked. I'd let her know what she said was hurtful and, actually that lifestyle had ensured she has got to a position where her fleeting ideas could become a reality.

Whilst I don't know she definitely meant to be hurtful it's perfectly right to make sure she knows she was rude and hurtful. That way she learns that she needs to check what she is saying before she does so to someone who won't hold back.

Poepourri · 19/03/2023 10:35

Sadly this is the sort of thing that teens say. I remember my dd describing my job in a deliberately downgraded way. It wasn't until I worked from home that she saw what I actually did.

Your dd will perhaps appreciate what you do when she gets an actual job herself. ?

Original poster

ilovelamp2 · 19/03/2023 10:41

Some great advice on here - and some brilliant witty posts too which are really making me laugh!

Funnily enough, she is very much into 'Mama Mia.' Sound track playing last night and apparently we're all watching it tonight .... Fine by me.

We do encourage her ideas - would much rather she had a plan that didn't come off than no ideas at all. And as PP have said, she could do it - not impossible and would be rather brilliant. When she said that last night, I just said something like, 'Hey, I'm very happy with my choices, thank you!" then carried on with conversation. Threw me off slightly I admit. I do need to toughen up I think now we're in teenage territory.

By way of an update, she delivered the usual card, flowers and cup of tea this morning for Mothers Day. Whilst we were making breakfast we had a chat about what kind of breakfast she would serve in her hotel which lead nicely into a low stakes conversation about choices/careers, how her friends/other people choose different things and that's fine, we don't need to be negative about other people's choices because it could be upsetting/unkind. She got it. Now enjoying Mothers Day, I hope everyone else is too.

OP posts:

Whereland · 19/03/2023 12:54

You know what's funny, there's every likelihood she will end up following in your footsteps in years to come!

Speedweed · 19/03/2023 13:05

I said stuff like this to my mum 30 odd years ago. Now although I have the career I wish I was half as capable as her in other ways, but it took that 30 odd years to realise that.

Laugh it off, OP. Tell your daughter - good, you want her to have a wildly successful life, way beyond whatever you achieved. Then sit back...we all know it's not as easy as it seems from a 13 year old perspective...

Oblomov23 · 19/03/2023 13:06

Actually that's very rude. Some Teens might have grandiose ideas, but the fact is most of us live in very normal houses, do a 9-5 bog standard job, and if you've got a couple of friends to have a glass of wine and a bbq with then you're doing fine!

Oblomov23 · 19/03/2023 13:08

Run a hotel? For the owner? And be paid a pittance to work very very hard. Having a little laugh to myself.

Where is she going to get the money from to buy said Greek hotel that she's going to own and run herself ? 🤣

Oblomov23 · 19/03/2023 13:09

Ask her that.

redpinkyellow · 19/03/2023 13:14

I remember from school all the people who said they couldn't wait to leave our hometown are the ones that have never left it!

Lovelyring · 19/03/2023 15:32

I think I'd have responded as you did. I think it's wonderful, not sad, to be happily married in a location you like and doing a job that is meaningful and which you enjoy. I actually know few people who have all of those things!

If I was hurt by her comment because it flagged up that actually I hated my job, I would still point out that her comment was rude but would also look in to whether there were life changes I could make to be happier.

I wanted to live abroad when I was 13 and now I really don't. I wouldn't take it to heart, people's dreams change as they grow up.

WimpoleHat · 19/03/2023 19:20

Oblomov23 · 19/03/2023 13:08

Run a hotel? For the owner? And be paid a pittance to work very very hard. Having a little laugh to myself.

Where is she going to get the money from to buy said Greek hotel that she's going to own and run herself ? 🤣

Absolutely…..👏

JazbayGrapes · 19/03/2023 19:43

Disrespectful. But every teenager dreads becoming the same as their parents. It's normal. Let her have dreams.

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