Dd 13 has shut down and won’t talk to us

[Justonecat]

Dd is so unhappy. She has no friends, she is at a school which is (mostly) demographically different from us, and she hasn’t made any real friendships.

Her academic performance has really deteriorated to the point where she is below average in every single subject (used to be in top sets in primary and had CATs of 133 just as a reference).

Up until recently she was involved in a sport which took up nearly all her spare time since about seven years, she was successful but we couldn’t really tell if she enjoyed it or if she resented spending so much time on it.

We have had something like 12 discussions with her, trying to understand why she is having these academic/social/motivational struggles, but she can’t really explain. She doesn’t say anything. We offered her to change schools, even home school, to keep her sport, to do more of the sport, or to quit, but she did not express a preference one way or another, so we were at a loss.

Something was clearly making her feel pressured and it was clear that her situation wasn’t working for her. She swears she isn’t being bullied, or harassed online or in person, or anything like that. There is some low level unfriendly behaviour towards her in school such as people not wanting to sit next to her in class and such, but nothing more than that.

We recently made the difficult decision to take her out of her sport. We hope this will give her more time to catch up on her studies without the time pressure, and to hopefully connect more with people at school. We have encouraged her to join a few after school clubs so she has something to do, and we are also hoping she will make friends this way. It’s hard, as this sport was a huge part of her life for so long, but school has to come first, so we didn’t feel we had any other options.

Did we make the right decision? What can we do to make her talk to us?

sorry, this probably doesn’t make much sense, but it just felt good to write it all down.

This

I can guarantee that those of us who are ND know exactly what this girl is going through and expecting her to be this bright jovial girl with friends is just adding to her stress

I was like this at the same age.
I just didn't understand school, didn't understand why we were doing certain exercises and stuff. Nothing made sense to me.

The bit that has stood out to me is Quality time with her would be lovely but we are a big family and it’s hard to fit in 1-2-1. Honestly this is pathetic. I imagine this is what your daughter actually wants and needs!

He insists that she can turn things around if she just tries harder. In his opinion there must be some nice children in her year, and if she hasn’t connected with them yet then she hasn’t made enough of an effort

He thinks she is lazy and disorganised and he believes that she will feel better about herself once she has turned things around and starts working harder in school

Does your Dh realise that “must try harder” “lazy and disorganised*
Is describing what every female with adhd gets told.
What he means when he says these things is if she could just not be ADHD then her life would be transformed.

I can guarantee that if your Dd has opened up to you and nothing changes or things et worse then it will be the last time she will open up to you

Your husband doesn't have the only word you know, op? Stand up for your daughter.

She probably misses the time alone with you in the car.

I don't think an ADHD diagnosis warrants pulling her out of school to be at home. Plenty of kids in mainstream education with ADHD. I wouldn't move her unless you can find a different school that you think suits her better.

I think getting annoyed with the OPS dh is a bit pointless, he is allowed an opinion which is more valid than ours tbh, he's her dad. We don't actually know the OP and are just applying our own experiences.

''There is some low level unfriendly behaviour towards her in school such as people not wanting to sit next to her in class and such, but nothing more than that. ''

Come on.

That's not ''low level unfriendly behaviour''...

Your daughter is being singled out and shunned. This is clearly bullying and your are minimising the behaviour.

Of course she is not going to want her parents to be involved in reporting this with the school because she is worried it will make things worse for her.

You mentioned your are from a different ''demographic'' and this could also play a role in it.

You really need to be less passive about this. I think it reads like you are putting the burden on your child to open up and suggest a solution but you are not pro-actively doing something about the root cause of all this.

• go to the school and tell them that you know your daughter is being bullied and you expect them to do something about it, including the fact that you think your different background has something to do with it
• change schools. I would actually do this and remove her from this environment
• get her to go back to doing more activities outside school including sports
• arrange for your daughter to see a counsellor so she can open up to someone independent and in confidentiality.

''Quality time with her would be lovely but we are a big family and it’s hard to fit in 1-2-1. She has had almost daily alone time with me in the car going to and from her sport, if that counts''

Seriously, you need to step up.

Also your husband blaming her for the issue is completely inappropriate.

Poor girl....

OP isn’t listening- I feel quite sick reading about her denial and the bullying “D”H - so much advice on here, so many ideas and yet every reply from the OP is about how she can accommodate her husband. What you’re describing is exactly what happened at that age to my DD who is now 20 and has a serious mental illness, housebound for over 2 years, no semblance of normal life at all. It started EXACTLY the same as this. FFS give your head a wobble OP - get some proper help.

I agree. It's all "husband thinks x" "husband thinks y"

Well, ground breaking news just in: your husband doesn't know everything and can be wrong!

My parents will like this and to an extent still are. They ignored my actual needs and gave me advice or told me what to do which was totally against my personality or interests. It made my life miserable. Op is failing her child here at the expense of pleasing her husband

So the difference now, in contrast to your original post, is that your DD has in fact confided in you and given you an opinion and something to work with.

This says:
She's not totally in the dark about her own preferences or some thoughts about what to try, to become a bit happier and a bit more engaged. She may not have all the answers or a big helping of confidence, but it's there.

She's not holding out silently on you for the sake of it.

She's been pretty brave and very restrained. I think I would have exploded with anger or distress (and I'm not 13).

She had, indeed, shut down. Perhaps, she had been shut down, is more accurate. Can you see how? And from how many directions, and how long? It's not by any means all about school.

Obviously you row it out with DH and move schools and put her back in her sport and try really hard to facilitate

Read up about "audhd" and dh needs to educate himself into this century before he loses all relationship with his daughter.

Crucially, right now she is internalising that opening up about feelings with men/dad = unsafe, scary. Men/dad will: demean her and belittle her feelings. She will run to unhealthy relationships with people who make her feel this way (as it will be her "normal")if he does not sort his relationship out with her.

What lessons are you teaching her? She has asked you for help and that she's struggling, what do you want her to learn the outcome of doing that as an adult will be?
I am not meaning to be so dramatic but this situation can really affect your daughter's internal framework: who she is, her self esteem, confidence, identity etc. Lots of neurotypical people who were bullied carry that with them forever and it affects jobs, rships, etc.

Your DH is thick if he wants her to learn she needs to keep "trying" aka being desperate and keep going back to things that are hurting her and making her withdraw!! Teen girls can sniff desperation and awkwardness a mile away!! She needs a fresh start, or to move form groups at least. Homeschool or tutors?

OP - I'm slightly confused about the sport your DD was doing. I also have a 13-year-old who is in a competitive sport that she dedicates all her free time to - several hours every day after school and all day on weekends. But she has a very large circle of friends from the sport. Her whole social life revolves around the sport and she hangs out with her friends at practices and on weekends. Her closest friends are from her sport rather than from school. Does your daughter not have friends from the sport? Friends don't have to be necessarily from school.

Something about the Dh and what he says he wants triggered a memory
I was never allowed to change schools.
I was told I couldn’t just run away from my problems. I needed to stay and sort them out. Make friends try harder, study more.

I have spent a life time running away from my problems. Running away really works if the problems are those people you leave behind

I tried as hard as I physically could. Much more than any other person I knew to the point I was physically ill and nearly died of stomach ulcers because of the stress I was under.

Untill one day in an English class, just after I had been “cured” of my stomach ulcers (English was always my worse subject) A piece of homework I had spent hours and hours on was held up in front of the class by the teacher like someone holding up a smelly nappy and was told that it was unacceptable that I could expect any sort of mark for this slap dash offering. I needed to get my act together and try harder.

Something clicked in my brain as I realised that there was was no point in trying harder and harder and getting myself stressed and upset and wasting my life looking at books and trying to write essays as I still got told off for not doing the work to the acceptable standard so why would I bother if the results are just the same.

Something I have learned since being diagnosed is that other women who go on to be diagnosed have the same experience. Parents and teachers who wanted them to try harder when they were trying harder than anyone else.

What the fathers is asking his daughter is to stop having ADHD. It’s the equivalent of telling someone who can’t walk to just, get their act together and try harder to walk and once they do it would make their life so much better

The father in this case should be ignored and told to do his research into how adhd presents in females and learn that all the things he is asking are never going to happen as his daughter was trying her hardest and all she was getting back was that it wasn’t good enough.

All that will happen that like me and others who have lived through this is that the Dd will give up.

XelaM I think 13/14 was the age when dd’s eca’s were stepping up and the friends of her age in the eca’s were a huge part of her friendship group and they were just starting to go out after practice at the weekends with out parents being around

Hi everyone
thanks again for taking the time to respond, it’s been super helpful to have a sanity check from this community.

I have been absent from the thread since a while but wanted to give an update, in case others in a similar position are following, and want to know how things went.

Dd finally found her voice. We told her that she only has one childhood and she owes it to herself to speak up and let us know her preference, and give us a chance to try and help as best we can. She probably felt that it was pointless to say anything, as we (ok dh) didn’t listen before, but give us another chance. So she told us that she wants to leave school and keep her sport. She is happy to home school either until a levels or until something else comes up, such as a different school. She feels she has tried for nearly two years now to make friends and be a part of the community at school but it hasn’t worked. She feels ostracised and treated unkindly by some of the other students.

I spoke with dh separately. He understands now, and agrees that perhaps it took him/us too long to act.

Dh agreed to trying homeschooling. So it looks like she won’t be returning after the Easter break. This is all very fresh for us, dd was a little emotional on what she viewed as her last day of school last week, but she says she feels relieved and happy.

Omg OP you sound like amazing parents!!! So glad she spoke up and you listened

I am so glad she found her voice and even more glad that her df listened and understood.

I think it will be a huge relief for her not going back

Perfection. Well done op

Amazing op I hope your dd thrives and you see a new happier version of her

Great listening

She should be so proud of herself for speaking up. It’s not an easy thing to do. I’m glad you’re getting things sorted for her.

Thank you for your update OP. I had been wondering about your DD.

That's a great result. Very good to hear your DD managed to open up. We'll done her, and well done you on turning things around, and making your DH understand the seriousness of the situation.

Hope DD thrives. For now, let her have a good rest, she's earned it!

That is excellent news. I’m so pleased your dd has found her voice. Now is the start of the next chapter in her life. My dd is year 10 now and it took her until a couple of weeks before the start of year 9 to say she didn’t want to go back to her old school. She wasn’t coping with the school for very different reasons but she hasn’t looked back.