If your child doesn’t have a phone…

[Atissue123]

How did you handle it? DD is 11 and in year 6 and we are currently planning not to get her a phone for starting secondary school. We may get her an old fashioned brick phone but definitely not a smart phone of her own.she does have other tech eg a laptop, computer games and access to an iPad. She uses all of those things responsibly.

There are many reasons for us not wanting to give her a phone yet but I’m wondering how others have navigated not giving their teen / tween one. I’ve read about having a ‘spare phone’ which They can used when they go out and need to contact home etc which seems a good idea but any other tips or suggestions on how to make this not ‘the absolute end of the world’ for a 12 year old when the time comes? I keep mentioning the fact that Apple and Microsoft bosses both don’t give their kids phones until 14 so I think she’s probably already expecting we will say no for some time yet. I will of course explain why we are choosing to do this with her.

i know it’s not the norm although interestingly I’m seeing more and more about this (ironically) in the press and social media because people are becoming more aware of the dangers of tech and social media at too young an age.

Hi op. I also have a year 6 child and I do get the reasons to want to avoid it. But. It is what it is and the people I know whi tried to avoid smart phones ended up caving. Peer pressure and just not being able to join in with messaging..whatsapp..etc.

I gave my son a nokia brick phone and he barely used it because it was so clunky. People dont phone each other they message...i think mainly on whatsapp but perhaos also text. Sending a text on an old nokia takes about half an hour

Id say you can give it a go but you would want your daughter to tell you if it was making her feel really socially awkward.

You could instead get a smart phone and zae google family link to heavily lock it down so it could only call ir text etc

In all honesty I think your daughter might find that really hard when she gets to secondary school. At my daughter 's school homework is all set on an app, so that's how she knows what she has to do! At other times they are encouraged to get their phones out in school to do research, or to do online quizzes.

Thanks @waterrat this is another option we’ve discussed, only allowing text and calls. I know what you’re saying and I agree at some point she would definitely need one to be part of things but I guess I’m holding off as long as humanly possible!

Don’t you worry about social isolation?

I think the sad reality is that she is likely to be left behind without one.

Arrangements to meet up are made via snap chat and WhatsApp. Party invitations, group chats etc all done via snap chat and what’s app.

Be prepared that it might cause issues for her.

My dd is 12, almost 13, and was given an old iPhone of mine as her first phone in year 6. My job has been to help her to navigate using the internet and social media apps safely. She is responsible and follows the rules we have in place. She knows if she does not she will not be trusted to have a phone. I know not all 12 year olds are the same.

It’s your decision but we did give dd a phone when she started school. And looking back I’m so glad I did. She’s learnt herself how to self regulate, understands the dangers because she has seen what others have done etc etc. it’s a learning process

Just to add - we use iPhones and have the Family set up to control screen time / access to adult content etc.

What is it that worries you about a phone specifically?

Thank you, I am welcoming others thoughts here. I do worry about social isolation however she is going to high school with 3 other girls who will also not have phones in year 7 (supposedly
and according to their parents). It won’t just be her but obviously there will be another 100 kids. I do appreciate that its important they learn how to navigate it all safely and it’s also important they can communicate with friends of course.

Has anyone gone down the ‘only for calls and texts route’ eg WhatsApp and iMessage only and if so how did that pan out?

I try to separate in my mind the phone aspect of it from social media and the way it becomes addictive staring at a phone constantly

I am happy for my son to communicate with us and friends and already he needs it..he is out in the park for hours after school or sometimes going into town with frirends. I know that will accelerate in year 7.

I am vehmently anti social media . Youtube etc for kids but Im going to try and keep it very limitrf what he can do.

I had friends who tried this last year ahd their daughter was teased so they went down the route of smart phone that csnt actually do much!

@Thatsridiculous social
media mainly and being on the phone / ruled by the phone to the detriment of all else in life. I’m well aware that I’m currently on my own phone!

My daughter is the same age. She has a call and text phone and it’s only to contact me when out or end of school. She has messenger kids and contacts her friends that way on her laptop at home. Most of the other kids have smart phones, I’m sure it will be an issue with her not having one at some point but it hasn’t yet. The kids can’t use phones during school hours so it hasn’t been an issue.

@waterrat yes
smart phone locked down may be an option. DH feels possibly more strongly than me on this so he will probably delay even that as long as possible. He’s works in tech (!) and will be able to at least sort out all management and overseeing of phone usage I think.

I think you’re doing the right thing and we will be doing the same. Currently have a 11 yr old who doesn’t have a phone. Most of his friends do; the girls more commonly than the boys.

my reasons are I don’t want him more addicted to tech, spending time on social media, getting no space from school, friends and the internet, seeing things he doesn’t need to see (bad behaviour, scary things or porn etc).

he sees his multiple friends in school, has siblings at home and joins many clubs/ hobbies after school. No idea why he’s be socially isolated which is the only negative I’ve read above 👆🏼

I completely agree with you OP

My opinion as parent of three teens is that you are being unnecessarily cruel - and will make her an object of ridicule amongst her peer group. Making friends/how people view you is really important when starting High School. You run the risk of gifting other kids something to bully her about.
It is your job to teach her how to use a phone/navigate the online world as safely as possible. Banning it outright is not a good approach.

My dd got an old iPhone (my old one) earlier than planned because they went in to lock down and no one knew how long schools would be shut.

I chose an iPhone because of the east family link - her phone has parental controls / limits set - so she can't use text or phone past 8:30 in the evening, she can't have any apps that I don't agree to for example - she's currently y8. And I think she would feel socially isolated without it - they often arrange a buddy to walk to school with last minute, arrange adhoc things at the weekend, which she just wouldn't know about without a phone. Speaking to her, most of her friends also have parental restrictions, so while it's normal to have a phone, it's also normal for there to be limits on it.

And as others have said, they have apps they use on their phone for homework, for their timetable, although schools have to be off and out of site during school time.

And controversial to some, but we have her location shared with me and DH - because then I know where she is, she can message if she's walking home with friends and going slow or decides to do an after school club last minute (or phone one of us asking for a lift if it's pouring down if we can).

We have an 11 year old (12 next month) who we have resisted getting a phone until now but it was always the plan to get her one the birthday before she goes to secondary.

I think it’s easy for us as adults to say we don’t want them having one and to believe in our reasons for this but the reality is that it will make things more difficult for them at school and do our thoughts on it trump that? I would definitely rather she didn’t have one / the thought of her in bitchy little group chats hurts my heart but there will be good things they miss out on too.

As someone who has had 4 teenagers I think you are making a mistake. You will isolate her and make her different and she will desperately want to fit in. Talk to her educate her and trust her.

She needs you to have her back for the world as it is and the world she will be going into not one you would prefer her to be in.

I'm planning to get my DS one when he starts secondary, but to be kept at home. I will set it up so I can check messages etc. So he will be able to message friends after school etc. One of the main reasons for doing this is I know he will lose it.

What aspect of the phone is it you are concerned about? They can do messaging and social media on a tablet or laptop, so not having a phone won't avoid those potential dangers. I think setting appropriate limits and checks might be better, which you can relax as she gets older.

,And controversial to some, but we have her location shared with me and DH - because then I know where she is, she can message if she's walking home with friends and going slow or decides to do an after school club last minute (or phone one of us asking for a lift if it's pouring down if we can)

You know where her phone is.

Isn't this the modern day equivalent of not allowing a child to watch Grange Hill & insisting they watch Blue Peter?

I shared a house with that girl at uni for 4 years. She went batshit crazy when she moved away from her parents and never learnt how to do anything in moderation the whole time we were students.

Drank too much even by our utterly shocking standards (early 90's) watched tv endlessly, ate utter shite, awful relationships with awful blokes.

Why would you set your dc apart from everyone else in secondary school?

i think you're making a mistake op, phones are a part of life and i think you're being quite naive to think this won't affect her massively socially, i mean how long do you plan to hold out for until she starts becoming resentful

I get it, I really do. But unfortunately she will be left out of friendship groups and social plans. People will arrange to meet up via Snapchat, WhatsApp etc and she won’t be included.

I tried not no phone but no social media in y7 and quickly realised that my dd was getting left out and it was making her really unhappy, so went down the route of closely monitoring instead.

they just don’t text. So if they don’t have social media they are completely out of the loop. I doubt the parents of the other 3 will actually follow through. I only know of one child who didn’t have a smart phone in high school and she was relentlessly bullied and unhappy.

She needs you to have her back for the world as it is and the world she will be going into not one you would prefer her to be in

This is a brilliant and utterly apt statement.
I wish I could chuck social media in the bin. For adults too! But I can't. The reality is that phones are indispensable for senior school children and that most of their communication happens over social media. Cutting that off means cutting her off from normal interactions.

My friend "banned" social media apps on her daughter's phone. Well, her daughter has secret accounts on all the platforms. She deletes them off her phone on the way home and re-installs them every morning in the car. I know because my daughter shows me her posts. Her mum is blissfully unaware. Now, if that girls runs into any trouble on the internet, she won't go to her mum for help, because she'll have to start by explaining why she's there in the first place.

It’s social death basically. Mother of two teen girls. We tried but Dd1 was unhappy and left out and starting to hate us. Good luck!