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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

If your child doesn’t have a phone…

153 replies

Atissue123 · 09/03/2023 21:53

How did you handle it? DD is 11 and in year 6 and we are currently planning not to get her a phone for starting secondary school. We may get her an old fashioned brick phone but definitely not a smart phone of her own.she does have other tech eg a laptop, computer games and access to an iPad. She uses all of those things responsibly.

There are many reasons for us not wanting to give her a phone yet but I’m wondering how others have navigated not giving their teen / tween one. I’ve read about having a ‘spare phone’ which They can used when they go out and need to contact home etc which seems a good idea but any other tips or suggestions on how to make this not ‘the absolute end of the world’ for a 12 year old when the time comes? I keep mentioning the fact that Apple and Microsoft bosses both don’t give their kids phones until 14 so I think she’s probably already expecting we will say no for some time yet. I will of course explain why we are choosing to do this with her.

i know it’s not the norm although interestingly I’m seeing more and more about this (ironically) in the press and social media because people are becoming more aware of the dangers of tech and social media at too young an age.

OP posts:

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 10/03/2023 11:01

PlusLaMeme · 10/03/2023 10:53

I have been shocked to see 10/ 11 year olds that he hangs out with staring at their phone

10/11 is way too young to have a phone of any kind. You can't compare that with senior school children. Their lives are completely different to an upper junior aged child

You could potentially start secondary school a couple of days after your 11th birthday. So it’s not really that different is it?

ringofrosies · 10/03/2023 11:12

I would also say that the kids that attend the clubs and things your daughter goes to may well have phones and have little group chats on WhatsApp etc that that your daughter won’t be party to. I wouldn’t like that for my child. I do get where you’re coming from in trying to hold off I really do, but as someone said this is the world we live in now sadly.

waterrat · 10/03/2023 11:12

@PlusLaMeme the children I've seen doing this are either year 6 or 7. Many kids have phones in Year 6 now - I would say at least half.

My point is that there are ways of using phones that are better/ worse for children - and letting them have them glued to their sticky little hands constantly is not good - and I would say that whatever age they are.

WandaWonder · 10/03/2023 11:15

My child is not interested in the social media aspect of the phone but uses it to text us or take photos of the board in the classroom for revision or work to put in reports, gets notification on it from school as well

And there is some apps used for school work on it

TheaBrandt · 10/03/2023 11:15

If she’s very social already you will have a battle royale on your hands with your no phone stance. The only families with teens that have managed it have very introverted teenagers usually boys. A sociable girl without a phone I have never seen.

Original poster

Atissue123 · 10/03/2023 12:51

Im realising I’ve posted this in ‘teenagers’ so I’m getting a lot of responses from people with actual teenagers which I should have anticipated lol.

just to reiterate my daughter is 11 (just) and is in year 6. I would say half her class in year 6 have a phone now and exactly as some of you say on here they are glued to them (at parties and in the car on way to events etc when we lift share) and many are in a big all class WhatsApp group. There is no way I’m keen for her to be doing that yet. However I absolutely take on board that at secondary things change and she will ideally need a way of communicating with friends to arrange meet ups etc. and I get the homework aspect too.

i suppose I was asking if anyone has managed without a phone in year 7/8 really. I’d never thought she could go later than 13-14 without one as at that point I assume she will be going out more to parties / in the evening (as I did at that age) and I will probably want her to have one or at least access to one for safety. But I’m trying to work out if any kids don’t have a phone (or at least a smart phone) in year 7. It sounds like the vast majority do and therefore we either need to accept she could be the ‘odd one out’ and that may bring issues or we need to get her one and take on some of the useful tips on here on how to manage, limit and educate her on how to use it.

But as people are referring to here there’s a lot of evidence to say phone usage and of course social media is really damaging for young teenagers / kids and I’m aware of that. Although I know they’re a brilliant invention and helpful so are cars but I won’t let her drive one until I think she’s capable of learning to do so without being injured / crashing it. I guess it’s about making sure she’s able to navigate it all in a mature way and I was wondering how others are doing it. Some of you have given some great tips so thanks.

OP posts:

RampantIvy · 10/03/2023 13:02

so I’m getting a lot of responses from people with actual teenagers which I should have anticipated lol.

And parents who have had DC in year 7. DD is 22 now, and when she started secondary school nearly 12 years ago she and her new friends were texting constantly (she pre-dated most of the current social media, so it was just texting).

TBH not having a phone in year 7 for a sociable 11 year old will make her feel isolated. Also, won't your DD need a phone when the bus is cancelled or she wants to go to a friend's for tea after school?

Caviarandgelatine · 10/03/2023 13:06

I'm trying to work out if any kids don't have a phone

In my DD's y7 class (all girls) 3 started in September without a smartphone. Apparently 2 of those now have one so it's literally 1 child out of 30 who doesn't. It's pretty rare.

PlusLaMeme · 10/03/2023 13:30

i suppose I was asking if anyone has managed without a phone in year 7/8 really.

So I have DC in sixth form and one in y8. With all kindness, let them make mistakes on social media and on their phone in y7 where parents are still monitoring everything tightly and everybody is making the same mistakes so there's more empathy. You don't want to be the one setting out making these mistakes in y9 with your new phone when everybody else has established boundaries. And it's very very difficult to monitor phones once they hit 14, take it from me. You will have lost your window to teach and instruct

My older DC and their friends never argue or fight over text because they know it'll be screenshot. Anything that needs resolving is done face to face. This is something they came to after being in hot water with screenshots and jokes taken out of context etc in the lower seniors.

butIwantitnow · 10/03/2023 13:38

If you don't have a landline then I think surely she has to have a phone with an app that needs eg Wi-Fi? If lots of kids only have Wi-Fi how else will they be able to chat? That would be worse than when I was growing up - obviously didn't have a phone as they weren't around but chatted to my friends on the landline.

Puygo · 10/03/2023 13:58

my kids are on the whole class WhatsApp and they just mute it and have hundreds of unread messages that are really boring and have nothing to do with them. kids just spam each other on them.

and the kids that are permanently looking at their phones maybe they have unlimited access to YouTube etc. but you can limit this to say one hour a day. So that they don’t do that. It’s quite easy to do on the screen time settings.

Saltywalruss · 10/03/2023 17:06

ringofrosies · 10/03/2023 11:12

So many parents seem to think it's a shame that children have/use phones. But if the parents didn't give their children a phone in the first place we wouldn't be on this situation. It's only "the world we live in" because parents have created that world for their children.

summerfinn · 10/03/2023 17:54

I think you may be singling your child out to be bullied or perceived as very different to their peers. I have a 14 year old and have always put time restrictions and age restrictions on the internet on his phone and iPad ect. I think it's best to do it this way . It's safe but not excluded from the norm.

ringofrosies · 10/03/2023 17:59

Saltywalruss · 10/03/2023 17:06

Show quote history

I agree really. Other kids having does kind of force your hand a bit but I didn’t or wouldn’t want mine feeling left out.

XelaM · 10/03/2023 18:01

CheshireCats · 09/03/2023 22:17

My opinion as parent of three teens is that you are being unnecessarily cruel - and will make her an object of ridicule amongst her peer group. Making friends/how people view you is really important when starting High School. You run the risk of gifting other kids something to bully her about.
It is your job to teach her how to use a phone/navigate the online world as safely as possible. Banning it outright is not a good approach.

This.

Poor kid. ALL their social lives are arranged via phones. She will feel really isolated and can become victim to ridicule and bullying

TheaBrandt · 10/03/2023 18:01

Well yes but making your child push against the crowd so you can feel as if you are “right” and an Uber parent at the expense of both your teens happiness and your relationship with them isn’t that great a result really.

reluctantbrit · 10/03/2023 18:15

DD (15) uses her phone:

WhatsApp for friends, Scout group, drama group, Tae Kwon Do class
Camera and Photo apps for Visual Art classes
Vocabulary Apps for language classes
Bus and train app to go to places
Google Map
emails for school communication
Browser for school, reading news (encouraged for certain school topics)

Yes, she also has TikTok and Insta but that's both fairly recent, with all safeguarding bells and whistles.

It's not only social isolation, I think they started with texting but found that WhatsApp is just easier. It's also to navigate life nowadays especially as they are independent and on their own.

HazyDragon · 10/03/2023 18:46

My DD is yr5, but the majority of her friends already have phones or at least iPads with access to WhatsApp/ TikTok etc already.

DD doesn't. I also don't allow YouTube browsing, but don't mind her looking up something specific.

I have just set her up on Skype and I'm happy for her to message her (one) friend on there. I find it's much better than WhatsApp for this age because you don't have to worry about large group chats and it's not so easy to add people, but also a gentle way to introduce her to social media.

However I think secondary school is different. Building their own social life is part of being a tween/teen and that is now coordinated through phones. You're literally fighting nature!

Just have rules and restrictions and teach her to use one safely. Banning things never really works, she just won't tell you anything and you will miss the opportunity of her being young enough for you to guide her.

lilsupersparks · 10/03/2023 18:55

My son is y8. He has a phone. He has WhatsApp but nothing else approaching Social Media. I wouldn’t allow TikTok/Instagram etc at this age.

i didn’t want to allow WhatsApp but not all his friends have apple phones and it’s a way to message on wifi without text message charges. He isn’t allowed on any groups on WhatsApp.

cwanne · 10/03/2023 19:28

My ds is year 7. We got him a smart the summer before he started secondary. He can use it to text and phone his friends but there are no social media apps enabled. There is also no internet browser. He does have a few apps enabled (maps, audible, one or two games) and we will add things as time goes on. It has not hurt his social life that we can see. He has a few close friends that he has exchanged numbers. But he is not part of a large group who all do things together so his lack of Snapchat etc hasn't been an issue.

Thatsridiculous · 10/03/2023 20:48

I do understand this - we are strict about this though. We set really clear boundaries. I check her phone most days at random too.

Original poster

Atissue123 · 10/03/2023 20:50

@cwanne im assuming he’s texting and not whatsapping at the moment is that right? Interesting you don’t let him join any group chats, can you set that on WhatsApp or have you told him not to? No judgement from me at all you’re just proving the point that it is possible to have a phone and not succumb to all the features it has available immediately which I think will be the way we end up going.

also at 15 I would expect my DD to have a phone and use it quite a lot @reluctantbrit i think it’s these early secondary years i am most concerned about. By 15 I was very independent and I think a phone would have been very useful. In fact I had one at 16. My mum got me one of the very early mobiles (a brick) and I spent a lot of time wasting my life playing snake. Not ideal but equally not particularly dangerous!

OP posts:

NomadicSpirit · 10/03/2023 21:03

Our kids didn't have phones at that age. We explained why - cost and social media - and they accepted that. People thought we were the Anti-Christ or something, but within weeks the eldest one told us their friends were all falling out on WhatsApp and bullying some of the kids using it. Our eldest not having a phone meant they weren't involved in all the bullying and ostracism.

They now have phones, but they have low data on them and they have Family Link connected. As they received the phones later and had seen what happened to their friends, we found that they ended up using the phones much more sensibly and not like it was an additional limb.

Our kids are not on SM (and neither are we) and they prefer it. I'm not being cruel or mean and my kids are happier than their friends who are glued to their phones. There's loads of evidence that SM is harmful to mental health.

WandaWonder · 10/03/2023 21:03

Op I had the same concerns as you bit decided the only way to find out was give the phone with rules and see what happens

Not once have I needed to say anything there has been no issues over 3 years on

That could have been different and my child knows if they played up or there was problems it would go

Original poster

Atissue123 · 10/03/2023 21:08

@NomadicSpirit at what age did you decide to get them a phone in the end?

OP posts:

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