If your child doesn’t have a phone…

[Atissue123]

How did you handle it? DD is 11 and in year 6 and we are currently planning not to get her a phone for starting secondary school. We may get her an old fashioned brick phone but definitely not a smart phone of her own.she does have other tech eg a laptop, computer games and access to an iPad. She uses all of those things responsibly.

There are many reasons for us not wanting to give her a phone yet but I’m wondering how others have navigated not giving their teen / tween one. I’ve read about having a ‘spare phone’ which They can used when they go out and need to contact home etc which seems a good idea but any other tips or suggestions on how to make this not ‘the absolute end of the world’ for a 12 year old when the time comes? I keep mentioning the fact that Apple and Microsoft bosses both don’t give their kids phones until 14 so I think she’s probably already expecting we will say no for some time yet. I will of course explain why we are choosing to do this with her.

i know it’s not the norm although interestingly I’m seeing more and more about this (ironically) in the press and social media because people are becoming more aware of the dangers of tech and social media at too young an age.

The bosses of the tech don’t give their kids phones but they’ve used tech at home since babies and have all the other gadgets. Also id consider they don’t need a phone as they are driven everywhere by parent’s chauffeur. Those kids despite what Steve jobs says live in a very different world to all of us.

Obviously tech kids under 12 don’t have phones neither did ours. Bet my house their teens do.

My DD is in Year 7 and got my old phone in the last term of Y6. Initially I didn't let her have WhatsApp, but then I realised that's all any of the other kids used to communicate. Some of them only had WiFi and not data so they couldn't text.

So I let her have WhatsApp. But we have rules about it. It's set up so nobody can add her to groups without her allowing it. She's not allowed to be in groups with people she doesn't know or very large groups. So no all of year 7 group as nobody needs that. But she can be in her class group, subject to me checking messages occasionally. Which is becoming very occasional as all the chat is "do we have homework?" No phone after 9pm, it charges downstairs.

I haven't allowed Snapchat or any other social media. I know she'd probably like Snapchat but she can wait until she's older.

It is useful for school. Her homework is on there and sometimes she does her maths homework on the bus home. It's really not taken over her life too much. Mostly she uses it to read books on to be honest.

m.youtube.com/watch?v=9E_0wEtowu8

I get the worry and the reasons for not giving one. But the kids I know who didn't have a smart phone ended up huddling round looking over other people's shoulders at their phones. And you can't control what other kids have on their phones. Better to get one and use parental control software to keep it locked down and restricted.
Also you can't put Life360 on a brick phone and if they are travelling alone to and from school it is an absolute godsend. My friend whose daughter has a brick phone is always panicking because she didn't answer her phone and texting me to see if I saw her daughter on route. Whereas I can see at a glance my kids are at the station/school wherever they are supposed to be.

@FluffySatsuma that sort of approach I think sounds ok.

i am not planning on no phone forever, far from it and I definitely agree with the comments that I’m here to protect and guide her and sheltering her from everything could be a recipe for disaster. She’s not sheltered in that way though. We talk about everything (now) drugs, sex etc. we have a very open relationship and I plan to explain to her the dangers of social media / using phones too much rather than just ban them. Obviously that’s not a good idea.

a few people I went to school with had no TV, not an equivalent but at the time a talking point. I had one in my bedroom (luxury!) and thought it ridiculous they didn’t have one but they went on to become very creative successful people. I do think that doing something’just because everyone else does’ isn’t necessarily a good reason. However I do appreciate that organising things like weekend socials, walking home etc is easier on WhatsApp than a brick or landline (which we don’t have).

thanks for all the comments, I’ve definitely found I helpful. I suppose a half way house might be the answer for year 7/8 and more freedom as she gets older if we think she’s using it responsibly. I believe at this point she will but will have to see.

i should say she’s very social, has drama and sports practice both twice a week so that won’t change, the group stays the same as they get older and I guess I can see she’d like to chat to those friends outside of seeing them but equally don’t want her to be glued to a phone. I do feel once we’ve got one there’s no going back so I guess we will wait as long as we think is ok but ask her to tell us if she’s being bullied or feels isolated as someone else mentioned here.

About half of her friends have one in year 6 anyway already. She says for now she doesn’t want one as they just talk rubbish and waste time on it so I guess she’s not desperate for it yet.

also taken on board the comments about homework apps being on it etc.

I think they'll find it difficult. My dc only use Snapchat (both) and Instagram (dd) to message their friends. We have a family what's app group which they laugh about as no one uses what's app mum.

I feel quite strongly that kids need to be raised to be capable of being independent adults and that starts early. Put restrictions on the phone, monitor it and take it away after a certain time but don't make it forbidden as that's how you'll get secret accounts. Trust and respect works both ways.

These days it would be very difficult to be a teen without a phone. And being a teen can be difficult enough. My two have used it in lessons before for things like kahoot or to take a photo of the board or for research (all with teacher permission)

Social isolation would be my biggest worry but also how are they getting to school? My two did a bus/walk combo having a phone (and yes we had the app in the early days) meant that they could contact us easily when the bus was late/didn't turn up etc also meant that when they are out with friends park/shopping/at friends houses we could both contact each other easily.

You say she's very social but she's likely to get left out of any social plans very quickly if she's not in the group chats!

Totally agree with this.

It’s not something I would do. Transition to secondary is tough. All young people want to fit in at least initially. I also agree with others that you need to teach them to live responsibly in the world we are now in. When do you plan to do that? Early in secondary they can learn how to manage screen use, social media etc

@Atissue123 I did only let her install WhatsApp on the last day of Y6 so she could keep in touch with people moving to different schools. And she was not allowed to join the Y6 group WhatsApp as I knew that was a binfire from conversations the teacher had made. She didn't want to anyway as she didn't like a lot of the people on it. I would stay well away from WhatsApp in Y6.

I gave my teen a phone . They have ability to message friend with WhatsApp etc and they have games on them. But nothing else. I restricted everything else. Maybe this is a happy medium?

I've too older teens now and also think you're making a mistake. I would think the risk of bullying and social exclusion which might occur can be even more damaging than just having the phone (especially for girls). Friendship groups also change massively in high school, despite best intentions.

I can't really see your reasoning. Better for her to have a phone like everyone else but limit what social media she has. WhatsApp is essential. As others have said, homework is on Appa and sometimes they use phones for quizzes etc in class.

I think the sad reality is that she is likely to be left behind without one.

Arrangements to meet up are made via snap chat and WhatsApp. Party invitations, group chats etc all done via snap chat and what’s app.

Not to mention that homework is often set by the pupils taking a photo of the whiteboard. WhatsApp can be accessed on a laptop, but it needs to link to a phone for this to happen. Most young people these days don't use text messaging, they use WhatsApp and Snapchat.

I do get it. 11 is very young to be exposed to the world of social media, which can be a really toxic place.

but without one she will almost certainly struggle socially. All plans are arranged via what’s app or snap chat. All communication with friends outside of school is done this way and not having a phone will definitely set her apart from her peers. It just depends how that would affect her, some kids will cope with being different, but for others it will be the end of the world and there will be a lot of resentment about it.

Firstly I think a phone from year 7 is good for safety/calling if plans change. Ie they decide to stop at school for an activity, if on a trip can let u know when arriving back (at high school staff not great at doing this as assume kids will). Most schools now give kids timetable/homework on an app so often need for that and for doing the homework as most set online and often easier than on a laptop.
Then there's the isolation issue if she hasn't one. Outside of school this is how they communicate and learn about social media and safety on it. Both mine in 20s now but had no issues with social media as talked about it and the pitfalls and by using it its not a big thing. Think often when you start banning things only makes them more curious and she'll find a way to be on it and if u don't know will be in a more dangerous position than if you allow.

DD is in year 7 and I think you'd be doing her a disservice by not allowing her a phone. She could quite conceivably be the only child in the class without one.

Socially they will be consolidating and maintaining friendships on whatsapp, making arrangements to meet up outside of school etc. It's not that she would necessarily be ridiculed for not having a phone but she would definitely miss out on making friendships.

From a practical point of view, they use WhatsApp to ask each other questions about homework, there will be apps for homework and at DD's school they use their phones in class occasionally.

If she makes her own way to and from school you can track where she is

my dtds started secondary last sept. One dc in their class didn’t have a phone and no one was mean but it meant she has to double up for class among us games they’ve occasionally done in tutor time. Initially I was surprised re among us but listening to dc speak about it I now see that the form tutor tapped into something they already knew and it helped dc get to know each other. It seemed to work quite well.

my personal feeling it, introducing in Year 7 gives you full access and an opportunity to support your dc learning how to use it appropriately and manage situations, encourage openness. Give a phone too late, they learn from their friends… I’d rather be the teacher on this topic.

Oh yes, and the homework app is much easier in the phone.

You are much better giving them on in summer term of Yr6 and teaching them how to manage it all. Not having a decent phone in Ye7 (2nd hand fine) is socially hard and isolating

Schools tend to set and submit homework on an app now.

You can set controls on an iPhone through family sharing (no experience of android but think there are apps).

There is a big article in the FT today about how child mental health is being damaged by phones.

I think the thing is - we have to balance letting them live in the world they are in - (and not shaming them for wanting to be part of the world they and their peers are growing up in) - and also being the grown ups in the room.

We need to remember this is very new technology - nobody really knows what impact it is having on us let alone our children to be 'connected' 24/ 7.

I will try as hard as I can to avoid my child having the phone 'on' at all times - I have been shocked to see 10/ 11 year olds that he hangs out with staring at their phone in the awful way commuters do - just constantly in their hand.

Now who are they copying? yes us. adults. Look on a train platform, on a tube, on a bus - every adult is gormlessly staring at their phone.
This is the world children are growing up in.

We need to ensure they have lives filled with play/ fun until they leave school - so that phones are just a peripheral thing that help them connect with friends.

Kids have phones at secondary. I feel sorry for her, the world is changing why do you want her to be the odd one out ?

I have been shocked to see 10/ 11 year olds that he hangs out with staring at their phone

10/11 is way too young to have a phone of any kind. You can't compare that with senior school children. Their lives are completely different to an upper junior aged child