If your child doesn’t have a phone…

[Atissue123]

How did you handle it? DD is 11 and in year 6 and we are currently planning not to get her a phone for starting secondary school. We may get her an old fashioned brick phone but definitely not a smart phone of her own.she does have other tech eg a laptop, computer games and access to an iPad. She uses all of those things responsibly.

There are many reasons for us not wanting to give her a phone yet but I’m wondering how others have navigated not giving their teen / tween one. I’ve read about having a ‘spare phone’ which They can used when they go out and need to contact home etc which seems a good idea but any other tips or suggestions on how to make this not ‘the absolute end of the world’ for a 12 year old when the time comes? I keep mentioning the fact that Apple and Microsoft bosses both don’t give their kids phones until 14 so I think she’s probably already expecting we will say no for some time yet. I will of course explain why we are choosing to do this with her.

i know it’s not the norm although interestingly I’m seeing more and more about this (ironically) in the press and social media because people are becoming more aware of the dangers of tech and social media at too young an age.

I'm afraid that this decision basically isolates your daughter from the world we are all living in. I don't think she will thank you for it.

Instead, teach her to use her phone responsibly. We gave our kids a phone in the summer of year 6 and at that point we checked their phones regularly. We taught them about internet safety etc etc. They weren't allowed them in their bedrooms etc.

Then over the years we relaxed the rules and made them responsible for their use.

My son did see something on the internet that frightened him at age 13 but he could have been shown it by a friend, or read it in a magazine, or watched it on the TV, how are we supposed to shield them from all this?

I agree, if we could turn back time then I'd rather social media didn't exist to be honest, but it does, so that's the world that we all have to be part of unless we live on an island in the middle of nowhere.

Teach your children how to manage it - don't try and protect them from it, as this won't be beneficial in the long run.

My friend has done this. Acknowledged the smart phone is necessary for the homework, attendance apps. So she gives it to yr7 DD on the drive to school and takes it back on the drove home. Gives it for one hour in the evening after home work finished for a bit of WhatsApp and is signed into it (WA) for monitoring, no friends on the phone she hasn't met in real life. The DD is smart, doesn't act out and has enough friends. DD does have own tablet for access to media and hobby apps (drawing) because mum isn't a monster!
BTW this DD is 3/3 hard working, polite happy kids. I tend to feel boundaries are good for the kids.
I had a time, location, content, app on my yr10 DD until yr8 and she still knows the phone belongs to me and I will randomly check content when I please, no friends she doesn't know in person, I also have custody of tech 10pm-7am to ensure full sleep. (Of course occasionally there are relaxations of the rules at weekends and holidays building responsibility to when she's 16 and I legally can't restrict the phone. We're trying to building self- regulation & responsibility).

I'm glad that DD started high school before everyone had a smartphone. I sent her with a PAYG basic phone - this was in 2011.

Thos posters who won't allow their DC to have phones for year 7 - do they not need to take unreliable buses or public transport to school or live in a rural area with poor public transport?

I have had DD ring me several times when the bus broke down - it even caught fire once! Or was cancelled (rural area with only dedicated school buses for transport)

So you need a smart phone if you live in the countryside amd take a bus to school ?
We do both and there's no coverage anywhere around here ..... thank goodness ! It's perfect amd they are all alive amd happy .

So you need a smart phone if you live in the countryside and take a bus to school ?

No, just a phone, any phone. DD's phone worked at school when she needed to ring me to say the bus was cancelled.

The government/Department for Education. It would mean funding schools/education in a different way. But books made in large numbers would lower costs significantly.

I brought my 13 year old son a phone for his birthday on the proviso....lose it or break it it's not being replaced. He's been phone free for nearly two years now. his mood changed, he was always tired as he wouldn't turn it off. So swings and roundabouts

What age group are we talking about?
At GCSE level different schools use different exam boards, and within the exam boards they can select different topics.

When DD was studying GCSEs I just bought the AQA CGP guides.

I can't see the current government paying for these for schools to give out.

Please don't do this. Even if you control it or monitor it, that's fine, but to not have one at all, I find very very hard to accept. Your anxiety and paranoia will damage your dd. It's bad parenting.

No its not. Kids managed without a phone for thousands of years and that wasn't bad parenting. There are millions of kids who don't have phones in the world. They are not an essential and it is NOT bad parenting and it wont "damage your DD" for them not to have one. The data shows just the opposite.

There are millions of kids who don't have phones in the world.

How is that relevant to 21st century Britain?

Because the previous poster who I responded to was suggesting that a child not having a phone will lead to anxiety and paranoia in the parent which will damage the child and they said it was bad parenting. The millions (including kids in the UK and other developed countries) are not being damaged. As I say, the evidence from studies states that there is ample evidence that phone time negatively affects children. This includes structural and functional brain changes, increases in emotional distress and higher rates of anxiety and depression.

Do you never need to contact your child? I don't think there has been a day when I didn't need to text/call mine about something and vice versa. And when their friends are all chatting and arranging get-togethers on their phones, yours doesn't hear about it. And what about school homework apps?

Yes but in the olden days nobody had a phone 🙄 these days pretty much every kid over the age of 12 does so yours will be a real stand out. Just make sure you aren’t sacrificing your teens happiness so you can feel like a super parent…

There are some incredible comments on here! What a divisive issue.

i can’t believe I survived living in rural England without a phone in the late 90’s getting a bus (that regularly broke down), and often dropped me in a village 1.5 miles from home so I walked back alone that last section relatively often. I couldn’t call my parents, no phone boxes and guess what I survived and they didn’t worry. We did all use to exist without constant communication, Google maps and wifi. Yes it’s helpful of course and I get it that kids want to be social but to think a child can’t navigate not having a phone to take a photo of something on a school board seems somewhat mad to me. What about asking a friend to email it to them or good old fashioned pen to write it down. What the heck do these kids do when their batteries die? Not know how to get home?

i think there have been some helpful points on here. It’s made me consider the ‘benefits’ to having a phone for both me as a parent and for my DD but also made me realise the real issue is educating kids to use them responsibly and actually more importantly to not rely on them for everything in life.

I think it's a mistake sorry OP. You can't hold back technology. And fitting in when you start at a new school is everything and being able to make social connections, text and be part of the group messaging is really important.

My kids are grown now - at uni and post uni - but rather than limit the phone you need to teach them management of social media. In the end they will all have the same devices do they need to learn how to manage it as soon as possible.

My DC were never early adopters but I kept them up with the majority. They both experienced some exclusion/bullying - neither via text or messaging - so I never wanted them to be singled out as uncool because of phones. But we did spend a lot of time discussing the problem with different apps and social media.

or good old fashioned pen to write it down.

Believe me, they really don't get given enough time to write the homework down. DD used to find that it was given out just before the bell rang.

Today 21:11

I think it's a mistake sorry OP. You can't hold back technology

No, but we can choose not to use that technology. It's a choice. Parents don't have to give their children phones just because they exist. We might not be able to " hold back technology" but we can choose not to use it!

I agree that we should think twice about these technologies rather than blindly using them because everybody else is. Not all change is progress. I think you have to weigh up carefully which option has the worst downsides. Exposure to pornography vs being left out etc. If all the kids were smoking and your kid was being left out, you’d think hard about the downsides of letting them join in with it.

Yes the world is basically completely online now, but I’m doubtful about whether it’s a good thing and I know a lot of adults now minimising their SM use. I actually chose a school that did not allow phone use during the school day so at least the teachers wouldn’t be asking them to use phones in lessons. I think it’s lazy tbh and phones have made us all lazy. People are always asking me how I get my kids to read so much: it’s because they haven’t ruined their attention span and they don’t have screens to distract them.

What about asking a friend to email it to them

I imagine that would wear thin pretty quickly. Especially as they don't tend to use email - they all WhatsApp but they wouldn't be able to do that if your DD doesn't have a phone.

If you don't want your child to have a phone fine but they'll need to take responsibility for their own homework and I guarantee it will be harder for them without a phone. They'll have to be more organised than everybody else in the class - the rest of them will be in contact over what's due in, how things need to be done, helping each other when they get stuck.

My son is year 7 and I think he would be massively missing out. As much as social media can be a bad thing, used well it can help create close friendships quite quickly. I allow a phone and then monitor its use, although mostly I just don't need to because he is massively busy after school with training (and we need contact when he is there and he also needs it to video what he is learning). They are definitely addictive (I'm rarely without mine) but I think the trick is to get the benefits from them but monitor the negatives.

DD's school always uses book - in addition to work online.

But, I can see the negatives, DD's sociology book uses statistics which are several years old, they get links from their teachers for up-to-date numbers to use in their work. That problem covers several subjects. By the time a book is researched, written and printed, the data will be old.

Exam boards differences for GCSE is another issue.

I also can't see this government changing school funding, in my opinion they prefer to pay nothing at all if they could get away with it.

but I think the trick is to get the benefits from them but monitor the negatives.

Basically this ^^ in a nutshell.
I think 11 year olds are too young to negotiate social media, but having access to a phone is not necessarily a negative thing.

Many teachers at secondary expect them to have a phone, lots of homework is set on the phone and they are asked to use them in lessons- sad but true. If I could wave a magic wand and go back in time to when we didn't have phones, I would , buut you are setting your daughter up to be socially isolated, life is hard enough for them, don't make it harder.

I’m like 10 years off this right now but for me my daughter will be getting a phone in secondary school and potentially earlier if me and her dad don’t last because then he’d be ringing her phone for her not mine.

first and foremost her safety. Give her the chance and opportunity to be able to call for help or anything she needs.
sleepovers be able to tell
me she’s uncomfortable and wants to come home. Danger.

and also I wouldn’t want her to be different from others. In the way of personality yes but nothing more.