Horrible teen daughter (14) and Christmas (and presents)?

[ally0000]

I’m looking for advice/help. M52 been divorced 9 years and my only child, a daughter (F14) is being very nasty to me for spending time with my girlfriend. My girlfriend and I have been together for 3.5 years and recently my daughter decided that I was spending too much time with her. My daughter sees my girlfriend once a week on a Saturday which this has been the situation for a few years now as my gf has a 6 year old and is busy during the week. I get comments such as "you don’t care about me” and "you only care about your girlfriend” which has now descended into "I hate you, you’re the worst Dad ever, etc”. She says all this then runs out my house and goes to her Mums, I can’t physically stop her, I stood in her way last night and she started hitting me which is obviously not OK.

The big issue now is that Christmas is a few days away and I'm already anticipating she won't come to my Mum's house on Christmas Day with me, my girlfriend and her son, she'll choose to stay behind with her Mum and I won't be able to force her to come......so my question is what to do if this happens, do I leave her behind or leave my girlfriend and her son behind, my gut says leave her behind but I'd like to hear some thoughts please?

My gut also says to not give her any Christmas presents as she's being such a a <bleep> but I'm not sure what to do, is that too much?

Many thanks :-)

This sums it up really well. Very Reddit attitude overall basically. No interest in the daughter as a human being, only as a ‘bleep’ who is acting as a barrier to the fun time with girlfriend and girlfriend’s child.

*I agree that withholding the presents is harsh but right now i'm angry so it's presently an option albeit not a very adult one, my anger is telling me to not give her anything for being so horrible.

If I let her choose about Christmas day then 11% she'll choose not to come, she does't care, she's the typical self centred and entitled teenager, harsh but true.*

Also, this? Fucked up behaviour. If she’s self centred and entitled it might be because she’s taking after her dad. You feel entitled to prioritise a girlfriend (who she dislikes) over your own child, and think you should withhold Christmas presents to vent your own anger on her. But she can’t leave to go to her mum when she’s angry or upset? You sound such a bully to be honest. But I think you should keep all her presents, and let her know where she stands in the hierarchy under your girlfriend and her son.

And the only thing you’ve actually mentioned that your daughter does is go to her mum’s because she doesn’t want to sit around your girlfriend and her child. Why should she want to sit with them every single weekend?

Exactly, this whole thread has been a hard read due to this attitude. It’s clear he prioritises the gf and his daughter has clocked onto that.

op, you are literally storing up problems for your daughter if this continues . Used to work with teens & young adults and so many girls go out to find the attention their dad didn’t give them in relationships with men and it often ends badly due to their vulnerability they don’t pick the best men and attract predators.

Poor kid.

Poor Mum.

Where does your GF's 6yo fit into all this? is he or she also there at the weekends?

I'm amazed at the demonisation of the OP here. He doesn't seem to have done anything wrong! He seems to share 50/50 custody of his daughter. One day a week of that he sees his girlfriend too. Why shouldn't he? He is entitled to a new relationship - is he supposed to remain single forever because he split up with her mom? How many people do that? Loads of people move in with or even marry a new person, so the child has that other person in their parents house 100% of the time and they don't all grow up deprived of parental attention and traumatised.

The fact that he is not supposed to mind his 14 year old hitting him is also astonishing to me - hitting a parent at that age is really extreme behaviour!

I wouldn't withhold the presents of course, and I would let her choose where she goes for Xmas, and, to be honest, at 14 she can choose which parent she stays with the rest of the time too. But that doesn't make him a terrible dad for having a girlfriend he sees once a week, or finding it hard when his teenager hits him......

@Ilovelurchers you're misrepresenting. He called his daughter 'horrible'. He's not really displayed any effort in understanding how she is feeling, he's talking seriously about withholding christmas presents to punish her (he seems to be resenting her wanting to spend christmas day with her mum). Hitting him isn't acceptable but he's not recognising it for what it ia (or curious about understanding it)

He has her for 1 weekend day and for most of that his girlfriend is with them. Evenings in the week just aren't the same - she will have homework and activities to do in that time as well.

And i disagree that he's been demonised. Most posters are trying to help him find some balance.

I'm with you @Ilovelurchers

@Whataretheodds What is he meant to call her then?

Bad mannered
Bad attitude
Unpleasant
Unlikeable etc etc...
The fact is....she is being horrible to be around. He's not saying she's a demon child, or doesnt love her, he's saying the behaviour isn't likeable, which whether you're with the child's mother or not is a normal thing to say about a child who is going through a horrible phase. I remember my mum saying she loved me, but didn't like me at some ages. It's normal and I admit....I was horrible! At least he isn't Disney-daddying the situation.

Another idea that sometimes works is to offer to take your daughter and one of her friends out for a treat. The three of you .So very casual ‘hey I was wondering if you and Jess fancy getting your Nails done today for Christmas, I’ll drop you both off while I do a bit of last minute shopping and we can regroup for a quick coffee/ maccies after?’
This way you can generally ensure a less pressured time together, you get to meet her friend, and she’ll hopefully be a bit nicer in front of her guest. It’s less intense but it’s still time together, prioritising her.

My father was never interested growing up I was lucky if I saw him 4 times a year. As an adult I moved away only when he was ill did I see him once a week he did try to make amends and finally realised the woman who brought me up was a cow. I now don’t miss him he’s dead now.

She's only 14. She loves you. And it DOES often feel like the dad is choosing the new wife over them. Rational or not, that's how she as a child feels.

Your take on this is that your teen daughter is horrible? Not insecure, afraid of being pushed out, trying to work out where she fits in the wider scheme of things?

Unhappy teens are angry teens
Teens who don’t feel valued or listened to act out. They push boundaries.

please go to a parenting class.

OP:
"My DD is with me every Saturday and my gf comes over to hang out or whatever but we always include her in what we're doing. I do fully understand that she wants me all to herself but that isn't going to happen and Sundays are the only actual kid-free quality time we get."

In a way, you are putting your girlfriend first. I bet your daughter feels like a right gooseberry having your girlfriend "hang out" (whatever that means) with you all day Saturday. How uncomfortable for her. And being shuttled between you and mother back and forth. Honestly poor lass. Don't withold her presents and call her "horrible". You bred her! She should be your priority and as for "kid free time" - err you have a kid!

So your time with your daughter is only when your girlfriend is busy and your weekends are for your girlfriend? Your daughter just gets the weekday leftovers after school and work when girlfriend can't come over?

Weekends are normally when time can really be spent with your kids to do activities with them, go places, relax and enjoy unrushed time together.

If you spend Sunday with your girlfriend, then you don't need to spend Saturdays with her too. Spend Saturdays with your daughter.

Or alternate weekends so you and your daughter can do things together for a weekend alone and then girlfriend is there the next weekend.

@FfayeN he could attempt some empathy

I agree.

I agree!
Dont forget how horrible 14 year olds can be!! Even the lovely ones

How is she ‘being horrible to be around?’ The only thing op has described is her going home to her mum’s house and becoming worked up when he tries to physically block her from leaving and force her to remain in his house while he entertains his girlfriend. And this apparently makes him so angry he calls her a ‘bleep,’ says he prefers his girlfriends company, and he wants to withhold all her Christmas gifts.

And the suggestion of her ever having one on one time with her dad is met by him saying that ‘isn’t going to happen.’ He literally can’t even compute the idea of spending one Saturday without his girlfriend.

And in this case it is rational. He is choosing the girlfriend over her - he does not want to spend even one weekend day along with his daughter, invites the girlfriend to hang out every Saturday while prioritising Sundays alone with his girlfriend, and wants withdraw her presents because she will go to her mum’s rather than spend Christmas Day with his girlfriend.

I think at 14, your DD should have the choice where to stay and that includes Christmas Day. She has already got what looks to me a very disruptive schedule - one day with you, one day with mum, one day with you, one day with mum. At what point does she get to say, actually, I’d like to spend more than a day or two in the same place without being made to feel bad about it?

is this day about 50/50 arrangement even working for your DD anymore?

I'm pretty sure he hasn't said he won't spend a Saturday with her. In fact, he describes specifically breakfasts out with her and 'on their own' activities. As usual the mumsnetters go to the extremes. Without him writing war and peace about every individual behaviour I think we all can surmise what has driven him (a seemingly sane sounding bloke!) to feel this way. If the parents weren't separated I very much doubt the child would get one on one time solely with her dad every week as well as time in the evenings (I was lucky to see my Dad at all as he lives with us, but was always working!), so I don't get all the nay-sayers asking him to 'dedicate' a whole day every week. It's unrealistic for some households. When do you do chores/shopping/everyday life. Sometimes the children should be able to be happy without undivided attention, at both households, as hard as that is sometimes. They should be incorporating the time with the girlfriend, if she moves in (which seems likely after a 3 yr relationship) he can't tell her to leave them alone every weekend!

Yes he has. He has said he invited the girlfriend every Saturday, but lets his daughter ‘join in’ what they’re doing. He knows she’d like him to herself for a Saturday but that ‘isn’t going to happen.’

And to be honest he doesn’t sound such a great ‘bloke’ to me, when he’s so angered by his daughter not wanting to sit with his girlfriend every weekend plus Christmas Day that he feels like withholding all her gifts because he can’t ‘force’ her. He sounds like a bully.

One day a week of that he sees his girlfriend too.

From what he says he sees his girlfriend every Saturday and Sunday, but on Saturdays the girlfriend’s 6 year old is also there. He only sees his daughter every other Saturday, and he isn’t prepared to see her on Sunday because he expects to have a child free day every week.

Exactly. His daughter's not just going to dislike him as a teenager, she'll hate him for life.

Since he's selfish, smug, too lazy and self interested to give her the prioritisation she both wants and should get, she'll notice and she'll hate him not just now but as an adult and for the rest of his life. He seems to be asking for validation of his ----ish behaviour. But all he'll get is her hatred.