Horrible teen daughter (14) and Christmas (and presents)?

[ally0000]

I’m looking for advice/help. M52 been divorced 9 years and my only child, a daughter (F14) is being very nasty to me for spending time with my girlfriend. My girlfriend and I have been together for 3.5 years and recently my daughter decided that I was spending too much time with her. My daughter sees my girlfriend once a week on a Saturday which this has been the situation for a few years now as my gf has a 6 year old and is busy during the week. I get comments such as "you don’t care about me” and "you only care about your girlfriend” which has now descended into "I hate you, you’re the worst Dad ever, etc”. She says all this then runs out my house and goes to her Mums, I can’t physically stop her, I stood in her way last night and she started hitting me which is obviously not OK.

The big issue now is that Christmas is a few days away and I'm already anticipating she won't come to my Mum's house on Christmas Day with me, my girlfriend and her son, she'll choose to stay behind with her Mum and I won't be able to force her to come......so my question is what to do if this happens, do I leave her behind or leave my girlfriend and her son behind, my gut says leave her behind but I'd like to hear some thoughts please?

My gut also says to not give her any Christmas presents as she's being such a a <bleep> but I'm not sure what to do, is that too much?

Many thanks :-)

“We include her in what we are doing”. That’s nice of you.

You do realise that most parents don't get a child free day every week? how much quality time, when she isn't at school, do you spend with your daughter without your GF around? Why does your GF have to be there every Saturday that your daughter is? Perhaps you could prioritise your daughter over your GF?

@viques and @Itsallyellow22 - This is exactly the reason I posted here, for this observation, thank you.

@Silvers11 - My apologies, Week 2 should have been 'Mon, Wed and Sat', thank you for your advice and wishes, all the very best to you too

I really wouldn't feel bad about wanting to discipline bad behaviours. I have two DSDs and I am fully supported when they misbehave. I treat them, and my DH does exactly the same as if they were only living here. For some reason split families are criticised for disciplining unreasonable behaviours. You already have brilliant one on one time and plenty of it. I agree with some of the previous posts, I wouldn't withhold presents but keep them for when she visits and is nice, you can't reward bad behaviour and often that's a child crying out for boundaries of behaviour...not attention. Obviously this is all my opinion and I'm sure some won't agree. Just sending my support for this tricky transition of hormones!

If she wants to spend Christmas with her mum then let her. If you deny her presents out of anger at her resentment you'll just further damage your relationship.

You need to love bomb her, really. Be the adult and make it clear that however angry she gets, nothing she does can push you away and make you stop caring. She feels threatened by your new family. You might see that as unwarranted, but it is what it is. Make a point of trying to organise some special 1-on-1 activities. Try and be playful and cheery and engage with her, even if you almost feel like you are acting.

If you punish her expression of emotion by denying her presents she's just going to feel like you've proven her right.

This is good advice. Clear, consistent, loving. Give her choices but stick to some boundaries. Remember her brain is far from adult and she has to make mistakes to learn.

Your love and affection should not be determined by her compliance.

You only see your daughter on school days and 2 Saturdays a month. You see your gf every Saturday and Sunday. So even though you only have 2 days a month with her that aren't taken up by school/work, you still insist on having your gf and her young child tag along for part of that.

In any two week period, you have 2 weekend days alone with your gf, 1 weekend day with your gf and her daughter and 1 weekend day with your daughter, your gf and her daughter. You're not willing to compromise your 2 alone days with your gf (Sundays) by having your daughter with you. But you're more than happy to have that 1 Saturday with your daughter compromised by 2 other people and get annoyed with her for not liking it?

There's massive double standards in what you're doing here.

Sorry can I also add that it maybe worth some one on one time with your girlfriend and your DSD, build that relationship and she'll probably want to spend more time with both of you. Integrate that into the routine, send them out for lunch or dinner, something nice, so there's no 'her or me' competition.

She won't be "getting away" with not seeing you at Christmas, she will be choosing to spend time with her mum. That's perfectly normal and you need to respect her decision rather than see it is her doing something bad

See this thread...you are not alone....

Life with teenagers is joyless www.mumsnet.com/Talk/teenagers/4701559-life-with-teenagers-is-joyless

How old is your GF? If she's younger and/or prettier than your DD's mum (even if she isn't) then this might be very hard for your DD. It's a rejection of her mum which is going to feel like a rejection of her, too. She may be wondering why you couldn't stay in the relationship for her, and now you have another relationship you're pushing her out, putting her second again.

I'm not saying this is rational, but she's 14 and obviously struggling. You seem to dislike her - she's not horrible, she's just a teenager. And honestly, standing in her way is too physical, that would have been scary for her. She shouldn't have to hit you to make you stand aside - you should listen to her words. It sounds like you prefer your GF's company to your daughter and she is fully aware of that. You also moan about not having many child-free days, but you're a parent. That's what you signed up for when you had kids.

Don't take away her presents. That's cruel and she will never forgive or forget it. You're the adult. Act like one.

On another note, are you aware that there is a Dadsnet? Not sure why you don't post there.

Let her spend Christmas with her mother if that is what she wants. But don't withold her Christmas presents. Gifts should be given freely . It would be very cruel not to give them to her.
You so need to talk to her though. She is obviously unhappy and feeling left out. 14 is a very difficult age.

@beastlyslumber - Thank you for your words, some interesting points, thank you, I had no idea there was a DadsNet either, duh!

I do prefer my GF's company to DD's when she's like this, that does't make me a bad person, it makes me normal and I'm sure I'm not alone :-)

The message your DD will be getting is that at weekends when there's a whole day at stake, you are choosing to divide your attention between her and your GF but then your GF gets you all to herself on Sunday.

Teenagers are very sensitive and teenagers whose parents are moving on and forming new relationships can feel incredibly insecure.

I'd be showing her that 1 to 1 time is important (and not just for a couple of hours after school on a weekday evening) and carving out a whole weekend day at least every 2-3 weeks without your GF present.

Just back away and let her work things out for herself. You spend lots of time building the relationship so she will come back to you but you can't be pandering to her tantrums. Tell her you would like her to come and Christmas but it's her choice. Treat her as a young adult and let her decide. Stop panicking that you will loose her because she's playing on it.

I think you're wanting 'child-free time' every week is unrealistic for most parents, OP. You need to reduce that expectation.

Firstly don’t label your daughter as ‘horrible’ she can behave horribly, but as a person she is not horrible. It’s important not to label her like that because it demonises her. In fact she is a teenager, with raging hormones, a scrambled brain and a slightly complex family set up. You were probably also an arsehole at that age, I know I was.

You sound angry with her (and her mother). This is not actually normal - frustrated yes - but your anger at what is fairly bog standard teen behaviour is excessive, and indicates you are personalising things. I would really advise you to pick up a couple of books on teen development and techniques for managing them. Their brains do not work the way adults’ brains do - and you need to adapt your expectations.

In terms of Christmas Day - ask her what she wants and let her do it. It’s not unusual for teen girls to go through funny patches with step parents. She does need to learn to be polite, but if she’d rather spend C’mas day with her mum, let her. everyone will have a better time.

It might be too close to Christmas to do this now, but as soon as you can, when things are calm-ish, take her out for lunch. Explain you can see she’s unhappy right now, and you can remember going through patches like this as a teen. You love her more than anything, but you also want to make sure your girlfriend isn’t being unfairly treated. What would your DD like to be different so you can all get on better? It may simply be less time with your girlfriend, and a bit more time with her mum - so facilitate that. Your daughter is no longer a little girl and may simply not want to have to spend so much time hanging out with a women who doesn’t mean much to her (and a 6 year old).

There’s a theory that part of teenage moodiness is a necessary process of separating from the tribe. They have to stop being little kids to take off on their own, so they can come back later as adults.

Do insist though on good manners when your girlfriend is around, on the basis of treat other people as she’d like to be treated. If she really doesn’t play ball, do develop a system of privileges being removed. But make sure she knows what will happen rather than springing it on her. Do NOT take her presents away whatever you do.

Do really do some reading up on teens. Step back and think a bit about your feelings about her mum and check you aren’t transferring them to your daughter - Dads can have some adapting to do when their daughters are becoming women. Check also that you aren’t expecting her to have an unrealistic interest in your girlfriend and her kid, given she is no longer a little girl.

Above all - remember she will be really delightful by the time she’s in her early 20s. She’s pushing boundaries right now. Hold them, but be there for her - she won’t forget it.

Being a teen is tough, swapping between houses, house rules and parenting styles is also tough, not sure if the Divorce was relatively amicable or not but whatever even though 9 yrs ago that is also tough. Other teen girls are often shit at this age as well so she may also have other stuff going on - I think some real talking needs to happen and you need to respect her wishes as well. If she decides Mum for Christmas then I would bargain and say OK but Granny does want to see you - shall you and I visit on xyz just us and make an evening of it? At 14 she likely thinks a day at Granny's isn't the most thrilling of days to be honest.

Personally I would be clear GF is not going away but be clear to DD that you do understand where she is coming from and maybe change some of the days a bit more so it is more solid rather than swapping around alot and maybe gives you more one on one time and have a conversation with her about what you could do on those times - not all centered around shopping necessarily or you will just get seen as the bank of dad

It may even be worth thinking about a short parenting course. A friend of mine went on one and said she was suprised how much she learnt about both herself and her daughter (they actually both went to parts to help understand each other and each others positions etc) she called it "Fucked up parents class" (but it was very tongue in cheek (and negative about herself as she wasn't so fucked up she no longer cared etc etc) and very worthwhile and is paying off although her DD is also maturing out of some of her issues.

As to presents tempting through it is that is the nuclear option and I think you know that.

I think expecting your dd to go almost every Saturday hanging about with your gf is unfair. Not many parents get child free days especially on the weekend. I think you need to ask your gf to step back on Saturdays and see if things improve. Your dd should come first imo. She doesn't appear to currently.

you've clearly made this clear to your DD. That's not going to improve your relationship. Man up, be a decent Dad and spend plenty of time alone with your DD. If you want your relationship to improve. Or don't. And it won't.

Don't you work, doesn't she have school?
Surely the MON-FRI is not all day with the DD.
Then when you DO have days off you spend it with GF. Seems unfair to me.

I would spend Sat with DD and sun with GF.

Or at least whilst DD is being difficult. She will be around long after you are dead and in the ground. For a good relationship long term I'd give in on some things now - if she is stable and happy she will disappear into adulthood in a few years time and you and GF can do what you want.

"I do prefer my GF's company to DD's when she's like this, that does't make me a bad person, it makes me normal and I'm sure I'm not alone :-)"

The smiley face at the end makes this message seem rather arrogant and self satisfied. As does your whole attitude to your daughter to be honest. You arrogantly call her horrible and a bleep while being self satisfied that you spend more time with your girlfriend because you prefer it.

Your daughter seems to have correctly assessed the situation for it and if you treat her this way long term then likely her lack of affection for you will last long term.

No child can be horrible in a situation like that, she’s feeling horrible. Start there

Maybe, but you're a parent, and yoir daughter is a child, going through huge changes in her mind and bod which are hard as well as negotiating her feelings about her relationship with your, and your GF.

You need to be the adult here but the way you write about your DD sounds petty, rather than trying to understand and empathise better with her.

Are you on Reddit a lot? You don’t need to specify that your 14 year old daughter is (F14). We understand that she’s female from daughter!

For me, I’d always always always prioritise my own children and their happiness over a boyfriend/girlfriend. It sounds like you don’t, though, so maybe drop your contact time to a minimum and tell her you prefer spending time with your girlfriend. You don’t sound dedicated to spending any one on one time with your child.