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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Horrible teen daughter (14) and Christmas (and presents)?

101 replies

ally0000 · 19/12/2022 18:58

I’m looking for advice/help. M52 been divorced 9 years and my only child, a daughter (F14) is being very nasty to me for spending time with my girlfriend. My girlfriend and I have been together for 3.5 years and recently my daughter decided that I was spending too much time with her. My daughter sees my girlfriend once a week on a Saturday which this has been the situation for a few years now as my gf has a 6 year old and is busy during the week. I get comments such as "you don’t care about me” and "you only care about your girlfriend” which has now descended into "I hate you, you’re the worst Dad ever, etc”. She says all this then runs out my house and goes to her Mums, I can’t physically stop her, I stood in her way last night and she started hitting me which is obviously not OK.

The big issue now is that Christmas is a few days away and I'm already anticipating she won't come to my Mum's house on Christmas Day with me, my girlfriend and her son, she'll choose to stay behind with her Mum and I won't be able to force her to come......so my question is what to do if this happens, do I leave her behind or leave my girlfriend and her son behind, my gut says leave her behind but I'd like to hear some thoughts please?

My gut also says to not give her any Christmas presents as she's being such a a <bleep> but I'm not sure what to do, is that too much?

Many thanks :-)

OP posts:
lailamaria · 19/12/2022 19:28

i think the only person with atrocious behaviour right now is you tbh

Original poster
ally0000 · 19/12/2022 19:29

Wow, so many messages so quickly, thanks for all the, all, first time on MumsNet so getting lots of opinions which is great. To answer a lot of queries, we spend a lot of 1:1 time, she's with me Mon-Wed-Fri-Sat and we chat, walk, hang out and watch TV, we definitely have a lot of time together.

I agree that withholding the presents is harsh but right now i'm angry so it's presently an option albeit not a very adult one, my anger is telling me to not give her anything for being so horrible.

If I let her choose about Christmas day then 11% she'll choose not to come, she does't care, she's the typical self centred and entitled teenager, harsh but true.

My fear is she already gets away with too much and if she gets away with not coming for Christmas Day then it'll just get worse!

OP posts:
MarvelMrs · 19/12/2022 19:30

In your shoes I would go round at some convenience point, preferably late morning, take her presents round, spend an hour and also book a date to take her out somewhere alone over the festive period.
I would spend the rest of your day with your GF and her son & your mum. I would let your DD stay at home with her own mum.
Teenagers can be awful. I live with several. Bad behaviour is usually a combo of hormones, deliberately acting up and not coping with something - sometimes not even something they are aware of. You can’t win so give them love and
time but you don’t need to bow to their demands and pressures.

Silvers11 · 19/12/2022 19:30

More information needed here:

  1. Who does your daughter actually live with?
  2. If she lives with her Mother, when do you actually see your daughter? You obviously live quite close together
  3. Do you only ever see your daughter on the Saturday when you are also seeing your GF and her child?
Original poster
ally0000 · 19/12/2022 19:32

@lailamaria - please elaborate, I'd like to hear more

OP posts:
1Wanda1 · 19/12/2022 19:33

My DD went through a very difficult phase around that age. I am also divorced from her dad (have been since she was 1). Looking back I think she felt unsettled by my new (at that time) marriage (we'd been living together with my children for 3 years before), and lots of other teen stuff to do with friendships etc. on top. In hindsight her behaviour was probably showing me she needed more one on one attention from me, which at the time was hard to give, because her behaviour was so... horrible.

I do get it. Teenagers can be really hard to love, but they need love just as much, if not more, than when they're little.

I made a lot of mistakes. Too much shouting about behaviour and not enough reflection on what was really going on for her, whether or not I agreed with her perspectives.

Original poster
ally0000 · 19/12/2022 19:34

This is very helpful, thank you

OP posts:
lailamaria · 19/12/2022 19:38

well you one tried to trap her by creating a baracade with your body and she resulted to hitting you because she felt trapped, in response to her obviously wanting your attention you proceed to threaten to withhold her presents because she's not acting the way you require despite being 14 and able to choose how she spends her time and you also proceed to insult her and demand she spend time with you, your partner and your other child

Original poster
ally0000 · 19/12/2022 19:38

@Silvers11

<Who does your daughter actually live with? >- It's a 50/50 split, her Mum has the money so buys her the crap she doesn't need, I manage all her sports

<If she lives with her Mother, when do you actually see your daughter? You obviously live quite close together>
Week 1 - Mon, Wed Fri and Sat
Week 2 - Mon, Wed and Fri

<Do you only ever see your daughter on the Saturday when you are also seeing your GF and her child?> - yes all the time, for example this past Saturday we went into town for breakfast then around the shops then to the local Christmas Market, bought her a onesie and had a really lovely time. Then my gf came over and she disappeared into her room

Thanks for your reply :-)

OP posts:
Silvers11 · 19/12/2022 19:40

Ah! Just seen the update. It wasn't there when I started my earlier post.

One thing does spring to mind, which is can she go to her Mum's on a Saturday and spend the Sunday with you instead so that she has you all to herself on a weekend day? That might help

Having said that though, 14 year olds can be a nightmare and it is difficult dealing with teenagers. Not giving her any presents if she behaves the way you thinks she's going to only takes you down to her level and you need to be the bigger person and not use them as a kind of emotional threat.

Original poster
ally0000 · 19/12/2022 19:40

Thank you for your message, very helpful

OP posts:
Iusedtobedontcall · 19/12/2022 19:41

My Dd, 16, decided that she didn’t want to spend time with my DH. She’s autistic and takes against people. So I see her separately. You can’t force a relationship. Make time for your Dd alone. Don’t withhold Christmas presents. Put your child first.

Original poster
ally0000 · 19/12/2022 19:45

@Silvers11 - Appreciate your response, selfishly Sundays are the only time my gf and I get to spend together so I'm reluctant to give that up

OP posts:
DisforDarkChocolate · 19/12/2022 19:48

What you need to realise is that what she is saying is very much standard teenage behaviour.

She needs to know you are her rock.

Original poster
ally0000 · 19/12/2022 19:53

@DisforDarkChocolate - I am there for her way more than her mother is (of course I'd say that but it really is true), that's one of the kickers here.

I do fully realise she's reaching out for attention but she really does get a lot of my time and love

OP posts:
SilverGlitterBaubles · 19/12/2022 19:54

Being a teenager is difficult enough and then imagine having to split your life between two different households on a rotating basis. I couldn't do it myself as a grown adult personally. I understand that this is your situation and that you are trying to make the best of it however your DD didn't ask for this. Cut her some slack and allow her to spend Christmas wherever she is most comfortable and please don't make her feel guilty about it.

CellarBellaatemycoal · 19/12/2022 19:56

Some 14 year olds can be a bit horrible sometimes, even with no family issues . But withholding Christmas presents won’t help one bit. Could you maybe organise an ‘experience’ for the pair of you to have some quality time together? Maybe a nice brunch in an Instagrammy location? A driving experience (they’re available for this age, very empowering).
I read somewhere recently that in making these types of decisions with tricky teens you should prioritize their dignity, which I think is pretty good advice. So think about what makes her feel dignified (humiliating her with no presents will certainly not). A day in a salon to make her feel her best self, a piece of jewellery with ‘sentiment’ perhaps (Pandora? 😬some 14 year olds respond to that stuff more than words).
Dont give up on her.

Silvers11 · 19/12/2022 19:58

ally0000 · 19/12/2022 19:45

@Silvers11 - Appreciate your response, selfishly Sundays are the only time my gf and I get to spend together so I'm reluctant to give that up

Ah! I thought you could only see your GF on a Saturday. I misunderstood your earlier post. So, if I understand correctly now, you see your GF every Saturday and Sunday and your daughter is with you every 2nd Saturday?

If that is right, I would suggest that you drop seeing your GF the Saturday your daughter is with you then and give her a whole day of just you and her. Weekends are not the same as week nights. Yes, when we need our own lives and we have children it's a conflict - but your daughter will grow up and not want to spend time with you at the weekends when she gets only a little older. Trust me, I have been there, and it IS hard, but it does sound that she has a point, to be honest.

And I would ask her NOW where she wants to spend Christmas Day and let her do what she actually would prefer. That way everyone will know what the score is in advance and no need for any arguments or upset on the Day itself.

Obviously it's your choice, but that would be what I'd do and you did ask for advice. Hope this has been helpful

Mamoun · 19/12/2022 20:03

The week as you describe it feels a bit intense. Like she's sleeping every night somewhere different. Is that ok with her?
Maybe you could sit down with mum and her to think as something more stable as she is going through these turbulent years. That might help.
Maybe one week each?

Original poster
ally0000 · 19/12/2022 20:04

@CellarBellaatemycoal - great advice, thank you very much for taking the time to reply

OP posts:
Original poster
ally0000 · 19/12/2022 20:07

@Silvers11 - That's a great call re "to ask her NOW where she wants to spend Christmas Day", I'll do that tomorrow once she's calmed down.

My DD is with me every Saturday and my gf comes over to hang out or whatever but we always include her in what we're doing. I do fully understand that she wants me all to herself but that isn't going to happen and Sundays are the only actual kid-free quality time we get.

@Mamoun - The week around is a good idea, I'll have a think about that, thank you

OP posts:
Silvers11 · 19/12/2022 20:14

@ally0000 I wish you well, and hope things can be resolved - but you do keep contradicting yourself, so it's hard to give proper advice! You said you only had your daughter every 2nd Saturday in one post and now you are saying that you have her every Saturday, so I'm going to butt out now as I am @confused.com!!

Hope all goes well at Christmas. All the best

viques · 19/12/2022 20:15

So at the weekend, you might spend Saturday morning with her, but then your gf ( and her child ? ) come over in the afternoon, and I assume stay over,or at least are at yours in the evening. Then on Sunday you spend time with your gf.

So the only time she has you to herself that isn’t a school day/ night is every other Saturday morning. Not a huge amount of time to build a relationship really for a hormone driven teen who knows she is competing for you time with your gf day another child.

Itsallyellow22 · 19/12/2022 20:16

So your gf gets you both weekend days every week and your daughter gets to share you with gf every other Saturday? If so, yes that's crap and no wonder she feels you're not her priority. And she's 14, of course she can choose where she spends Christmas day.
You'll reap what you sow longterm.

viques · 19/12/2022 20:18

ally0000 · 19/12/2022 20:07

@Silvers11 - That's a great call re "to ask her NOW where she wants to spend Christmas Day", I'll do that tomorrow once she's calmed down.

My DD is with me every Saturday and my gf comes over to hang out or whatever but we always include her in what we're doing. I do fully understand that she wants me all to herself but that isn't going to happen and Sundays are the only actual kid-free quality time we get.

@Mamoun - The week around is a good idea, I'll have a think about that, thank you

Try re organising “quality child free time” as “quality time my dd spends with her dad” . Someone is getting quality time and quantity time, and it isn’t your dd.