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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Horrible teen daughter (14) and Christmas (and presents)?

101 replies

ally0000 · 19/12/2022 18:58

I’m looking for advice/help. M52 been divorced 9 years and my only child, a daughter (F14) is being very nasty to me for spending time with my girlfriend. My girlfriend and I have been together for 3.5 years and recently my daughter decided that I was spending too much time with her. My daughter sees my girlfriend once a week on a Saturday which this has been the situation for a few years now as my gf has a 6 year old and is busy during the week. I get comments such as "you don’t care about me” and "you only care about your girlfriend” which has now descended into "I hate you, you’re the worst Dad ever, etc”. She says all this then runs out my house and goes to her Mums, I can’t physically stop her, I stood in her way last night and she started hitting me which is obviously not OK.

The big issue now is that Christmas is a few days away and I'm already anticipating she won't come to my Mum's house on Christmas Day with me, my girlfriend and her son, she'll choose to stay behind with her Mum and I won't be able to force her to come......so my question is what to do if this happens, do I leave her behind or leave my girlfriend and her son behind, my gut says leave her behind but I'd like to hear some thoughts please?

My gut also says to not give her any Christmas presents as she's being such a a <bleep> but I'm not sure what to do, is that too much?

Many thanks :-)

OP posts:
Ragruggers · 19/12/2022 19:00

How much time do you spend alone with her?

Dacadactyl · 19/12/2022 19:03

What does your daughter want to happen at Christmas?

I would put my daughter first. You and her mum have split up and she's had that upheaval already, as well as general teenage angst.

If you do decide to leave your daughter behind, I think you still need to give her a present!

ChecoPerez · 19/12/2022 19:03

As PP asked, I think it comes down to how much quality time do you spend with your daughter on a 1:1 basis?

I also think you're going to receive some harsh comments, so to quote MN, I hope you've got your hard hat on!

ABlindAssassin · 19/12/2022 19:04

How would withholding her Christmas presents help your relationship?

Threadkillacilla · 19/12/2022 19:04

Let her choose but don't hold the gifts to ransom.

Beamur · 19/12/2022 19:05

Behaviour is communication.
She's not horrible, her behaviour sounds to me that she's really wanting more from you, not less.
Time without your gf and her child in tow. That might not suit you,.but it's what she is craving.
Do you spend any time 1:1 with her?

ChecoPerez · 19/12/2022 19:06

Pressed send to soon.
I also think if you withhold a present from her, it will just make her think even more you're choosing your girlfriend over her.

She's at a sensitive age and leaving her out will cause a lot of damage to your relationship

ChildcareIsBroken · 19/12/2022 19:06

You have your priorities wrong. Your daughter is not horrible, she's only 14. She's telling you she needs you and you let her down. You need to sort this out, but you won't with that attitude. You need to show her she's the priority.

ElbowsandArses · 19/12/2022 19:07

Let her choose. Give her her presents. Make an effort to spend 1:1 time with her and show her through your actions large and small that you think about her — and even sometimes will prioritise her.

UnbeatenMum · 19/12/2022 19:07

I wouldn't uninvite your GF from Christmas day but I would recognise that your DD's feelings are valid and important, even if her behaviour has been unacceptable. Definitely don't give her fewer presents. If she chooses not to come on Christmas Day just give them to her another time. Listen to how she feels about things without judgement whether or not you decide to make any changes.

AmberGer · 19/12/2022 19:07

It sounds like she's crying out for attention but you can't see it.

Aquamarine1029 · 19/12/2022 19:08

Do you ever spend time alone with her or is it always when your girlfriend is there?

DolphinWars · 19/12/2022 19:09

She shouldn’t have hit you, but she probably felt threatened by you blocking her way. Another time respect her need to leave.

Is all your time with her spent with the GF or do you get 1:1?

Its Christmas and she’s your child, why on earth would you withhold presents?

Does she get on with your gf and her ds?

Stripedbag101 · 19/12/2022 19:10

Do you mean that you only get to see your girlfriend at weekends because she is busy therefore she and her daughter are always there when you spend time with your daughter?

Your daughter is jealous. She is still a child and has to share her dad with two unrelated people.

talk to her - ask what you can do. She needs to feel special. She should be number one. I am sure your girlfriend puts her six year old first? And spends time with the six year old without you and her daughter?

SylvanianFrenemies · 19/12/2022 19:10

Your 14 year old child is distressed and trying to find her place in your world.
Be the adult.

Stripedbag101 · 19/12/2022 19:10

Without you and your daughter!

Quveas · 19/12/2022 19:11

I'm probably going to be out of step here, but 98% of teenagers are self centred and manipulative. The divorce is hard on her. That's true. Relationships need work. That's also true. But life moves on, that's also true, and she doesn't get to dictate life going forward. If she doesn't want to spend time with you at Christmas, then that's her choice. Don't push it. Give her the presents anyway. One day she'll grow up. You are already the grown up. So it's disappointing for you, but don't take her teenage strops out on her.

Blondlashes · 19/12/2022 19:13

Your daughter is probably jealous. Do you spend 1:1 time with her?
Read about teenagers, emotions and their frontal lobe.
Definitely get her presents. Your love needs to continue to be unconditional.
Family therapy for the two of you should help.

SchrodingersKettle · 19/12/2022 19:18

I was horrid at age 14. I still got Christmas presents and I still got told my parents loved me although they didn’t always like my behaviour.

Give her the presents, tell her you love her very much, and let her make the call about Christmas and remind yourself she has raging hormones and that’s a lot of the problem.

merry Christmas to you all.

Soontobe60 · 19/12/2022 19:21

Most teens at this age can be pretty horrible at times tbh.
Dont prevent her from going to her mums.
Do make sure she still gets Christmas presents.
Ask her where she would prefer to spend Christmas Day and respect her choice.
Do make sure you spend some quality time 1:1 with her when she’s at yours.
This WILL pass!

Bananarama21 · 19/12/2022 19:21

What type of dad withholds Christmas presents. You sound highly manipulative. She is wanting to spend time with you but your with your gf and six year old child.

ssshhhitsnotme · 19/12/2022 19:22

Well I've name changed but we have a very similar situation going on but SS doesn't like rules or being told off by DH, his dad. I backed off a while ago because it wasn't my battle but been with DH over 10 years and have seen a rapid decline since hormones came into the game. Every time DH tells DSS that he has done something he shouldn't have, from lying about homework to stealing he storms back to his mum's and doesn't visit for weeks/months. Last time he visited he told DH to f**k off, in front of younger sister because he was told to stop being rude. My DH has always put him first, but the behaviour has continued to get worse. My DH has not bought DSS any presents, I think he should but its ultimately his decision. He thinks that DSS shouldn't be rewarded for poor behaviour rand that this is power play from DSS. I think that Christmas is a time of love and as the adult you should get something, probably less than you usually would and it stays at yours until she next visits.

Your partner is not new, what if you have a child together? Will you have to stop seeing any future children on your daughter's demand? She needs to understand that you have a life too and she will always be a huge part of it but cannot dictate it.

I was a bastard as a teen and my parents were never hard on me, but I moved out at 16 and had a rude awakening, took me several years to appreciate my parents.

OutDamnedSpot · 19/12/2022 19:24

How much time do you spend with her without your girlfriend?

SirenSays · 19/12/2022 19:24

Your daughter feels you prioritise your GF over her. You can prove her right or wrong.

BabyYoZenZen · 19/12/2022 19:25

Oh my gosh. She is communicating loud and clear that she doesn't feel seen and cared about by you, and in response you want to not give her any Christmas presents?? That is very mean Sad I think a better response would be to apologise, ask her what has made her feel this way, LISTEN rather than getting defensive, and reassure her that she is important to you.