DD13 incredibly poor period hygiene, nothing seems to bother her..

[Someo]

My DD is seriously worrying me at the minute. She hasn't long started her periods. We've always been open and honest about anything like this. She does suffer from anxiety and can struggle with school due to her emetophobia. I do worry she seems quite young and gullible in some ways. For instance she's still written her letter to santa this year and asked for a yoyo which isn't your typical teenager present.

She will not say when she is on. As far as I can tell she hasn't used the pads that I've put in her bedside drawer. The last straw was today I walked in to her room and immediately smelled period blood. This is despite always ensuring she has clean underwear washed and ready for her?

I'm worried her friends will notice her lack of hygiene and she will end up getting picked on and feelin humiliated/mortified.

I've no bought her Cheeky Pants period pants but have explained that they obviously need to be changed and rinsed before being washed.

I'm at a loss. She said she doesn't like speaking to me about anything serious. It's made me feel like an utter failure tbh.

I agree with the PP about showing your DD how to use the washing machine - she might feel better taking control and not having you (or anyone) involved at all. Maybe buy her something (airtight) to store the used pants in, then she can pop them in the washer herself at the end of her period. I'm 44 but still wouldn't want anyone else handling my blood stained underwear - even a much loved mum.

I'd continue helping her and providing what she needs - but stealthily. Have a drawer in the bathroom full of pads/tampons/body sprays, soaps and just leave her to it.

I think @EmmatheStageRat has given you the advice I was going to share - this is exactly how we manage here (ASD and ADHD). When my DD is "on" I make sure there is a bucket (with a lid) in the bathroom for any soiled underwear and I deal with it from there. There is no way my DD will use the toilets at school so maximum absorbency period pants are the answer. We have been using Modibodi but I will check out the M&S ones - thanks for the tip.

Got to admit I was like this as a kid. Stuff like this used to embarrass me. Used tissues for ages instead of asking my mum for pads, didn't tell her when I started or when I was on used to hide underwear. I kept on top of it though. I'd talk less about it. Leave the stuff out for her as you are. She will find her way

Thank you all, on the topic of being neurodiverse another thing she has is she will not wear a coat. She said she hates the feel of them? So today it's - 2 where we are and she's gone school without it.

I do make sure she has a bath daily and always leave the toiletries out for her as well as using deo. I think this is all I can do for now.

I'll lay off the period talk but ensure she has what she needs.

Thank you for all your helpful replies. It IS reassuring to know DD isn't the only one to react like this.

Oh OP, she's autistic. My autism radar is going nuts.

I would start diagnostic process now because when those hormones really hit it'll be quite a ride. You and her will need support.

I absolutely loathed my mother asking me about my menstrual cycle.

I was fine asking for the products I needed, fine with recording it myself, didn't have hygiene problems but my mother would ask if 'I was on', and if she found out, would record it on the calendar. She was helpful in leaving the scented 'nappy sacks' in the bathroom for sanitary products, and showing me what to do with them, which I appreciated.

She wasn't doing anything wrong per se, but at that age, I just desperately wanted some right to privacy regarding my body, that is, not having to tell other people when I had period. I didn't think it was much to ask that something about my body was just kept private and to myself.

I can't speak for anyone else, if they ever felt like this, but I really, really hated it. It felt intrusive - and I told her as much as well, but I had no issue with stating my opinions - a more shy lass might.

That being said, it is very important she isn't leaving dirty sanitary products around. Sometimes it rights itself but sometimes it really doesn't. I've known grown women who still didn't know not to flush tampons down the toilet, and have caused a blockage in their partners parents house as a result! Also know of one case where an adult woman frequently 'forgot' to bin her sanitary towels. They weren't even wrapped up, just left open for her partner to find (before anyone even goes there, I'd find it gross myself coming across this, periods aren't gross but used sanitary products can be!). Unfortunately, by then, it was a well ingrained habit that it didn't matter how much she was spoken to about it, would continue.

Getting the balance right can be difficult between making sure she has all the information she needs, is being hygienic for herself and those around her, but not being too invasive!

@jamoncrumpets does it matter school haven't said anything though? I know they usually like schools input obviously.

Schools don't diagnose autism. That's the mistake many parents fall into making.

@someo, please read up on how girls ‘mask’ at school and why, on average, girls are diagnosed with ASC much later than boys. I’m off to source some links for you…

Oh OP, she's autistic. My autism radar is going nuts

I think the best thing the OP could do is look into assessment if she is concerned about autism. That would be the way to approach it, rather than strangers on the internet diagnosing neurodevelopmental conditions.

That's what I suggested too 🤷🏻‍♀️

@Someo

www.autismparentingmagazine.com/autism-masking/

www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/what-is-autism/autistic-women-and-girls

childrenandfamilyhealthdevon.nhs.uk/wp-content/uploads/2020/04/1-minute-guide-masking.pdf

nasen.org.uk/resources/girls-and-autism-flying-under-radar

I've had a quick Google in to some of the symptoms of autism in girls. She does seem to tick many of the boxes.

I can give my GP a ring but I doubt DD would speak to anyone. Can I go on my own and explain my concerns? I know sometimes like obviously like to see and speak to the child themselves.

Thank you for the links @EmmatheStageRat

Havent rtft but wanted to comment as this is exactly me as a teen. i just couldn't handle it ...i have adhd but was not diagnosd ubtil recently

I still remember a burning sense of shame when my mum found big wodges of paper covered in blood I had stuffed on my knickers. She shouted At me...probably out of shock but i was totally mortified

I have adhd my daughter now has asd. Please remember that neurodiverse children sinply are not capable of processing the world or tasks in the way you might expect

Being bright has nothing to do with asd or adhd by the way. My daughrer is autistic and one of the highest academic performers in her class.

Op sadly your Gp will know nothing about autism in all likelihood. Our GP had nothing to do with our process. She would need a referral to the local paediatric servece that carry out assessments.

Firstly speak to the senco at school. And dont let them dismiss you. Girls are under diagnosed

If you can afford it look up private asessment as the NHS wait is very very long. 2 or 3 years

Dm me if you want we just finished the whole process

I feel your pain! My DD was exactly like this at 13 and is only just coming out of it a couple of years later. Period pants are your friend here. My DD will now talk about it freely and understands now why she should track it (to be prepared especially as she suffers with period pain). I felt like you that I had to tell her about the smell etc.

I think it has helped that she is older and the other girls talk about it. She started at 10 and was the first one in her class.

Best of luck.

All bloody smells 🙄☘️👍🏿

Thank you for a really helpful and important thread. As the mother of a 12 year old girl with ADHD and ASD markers I’m anticipating everything you’ve described. From being responsible for her personal hygiene when she’s rather oblivious to it generally, to the sensory issues around pads and all the pain and blood. It’s a lot for anyone to deal with never mind young girls who are navigating their way through puberty.

From your description, your daughter does sound neurodivergent. And the family history makes it more likely. A really great book is Understanding Girls with ADHD by Nadeau, Littman and Quinn. Their checklists at various stages of childhood helped me recognize that I too have ADHD and a diagnosis in my 40s has made a world of difference to me. Comorbidities are common and in the case of my daughter’s ADHD, taking medication has helped her to not just focus, but tune in to things she would otherwise be unaware of. Such as personal hygiene. Off her meds she fights teeth brushing. On her meds she’s all over it and actually wants to make an effort.

If you have the means please seek a private assessment. CAHMS take forever, and the schools don’t take it seriously if there’s no academic need for them to support. The emotional and social aspects of a girl’s development are just as important but with schools being so overwhelmed they can only focus on children who are failing academically.

Good luck. You sound like a really great mum and your daughter’s lucky to have you. We’re also really lucky to have had so many supportive responses to your post and especially from @emmathestagerat. It’s given me so many ideas. And period pants really do seem to be the way forward.

Whatever. I think it's was obvious what I meant. Old period blood has a DISTINCT smell.

Thank you!

I've emailed the school Senco asking for a chat and will look in to private options around us if need be. You're right in that schools tend to focus on those struggling academically. She's always been described as quiet/shy/passive. Never one to cause a fuss. I've looked a bit more in to things and one thing that stood out was using other people as a voice. This is definitely the case with her. If she feels ill at school she will not tell them. She relies on me to ring up and let them know.

@Someo
As Waterrat advises, forget the GP.

Get your DD assessed privately. Waiting times for NHS services are preposterous and meanwhile your daughter is going through such an important formative period.

And if your child isn't a trouble maker at school or failing disastrously in her classes, school will be blithely oblivious. Only the squeaky wheels get the school oil.

Why the ffs?

I know 'could it be asd?' Is said on here a little to much but everything the op is saying screams autism to me. Poor hygiene and trouble adapting to periods is a very common theme

Op, I'm diagnosed and you daughter sounds just like me at that age.

I was bright, compliant in school, had friends but was shy and anxious.

I'm 40 now and still can't shower, I can only have baths.

I wear primark period pants all month long also.

I find them to be brilliant but I only have light periods.