DD13 incredibly poor period hygiene, nothing seems to bother her..

[Someo]

My DD is seriously worrying me at the minute. She hasn't long started her periods. We've always been open and honest about anything like this. She does suffer from anxiety and can struggle with school due to her emetophobia. I do worry she seems quite young and gullible in some ways. For instance she's still written her letter to santa this year and asked for a yoyo which isn't your typical teenager present.

She will not say when she is on. As far as I can tell she hasn't used the pads that I've put in her bedside drawer. The last straw was today I walked in to her room and immediately smelled period blood. This is despite always ensuring she has clean underwear washed and ready for her?

I'm worried her friends will notice her lack of hygiene and she will end up getting picked on and feelin humiliated/mortified.

I've no bought her Cheeky Pants period pants but have explained that they obviously need to be changed and rinsed before being washed.

I'm at a loss. She said she doesn't like speaking to me about anything serious. It's made me feel like an utter failure tbh.

This is a really small thing OP, but I’d consider not referring to ‘nappy bags’, even if that’s what they are. Could it seem a bit insulting?

The answer is period pants, my DD uses Modibodi, she has the shorts in the heavy/overnight range. She has me er leaked with the shorts. She puts them in a separate bin and they get dumped without a rinse in the washer, on a 40 wash. They come out clean and not smelly. Only thing is they take ages to dry as you can't tumble them.

Sorry @7eleven@7eleven, I mean they're actually doggy bags. Don't know which is worse 🙈 will just say bags.

@DumpedByText Yeah I was wondering about drying them it also says to be careful about placing them on radiators. We live in quite a warm house so hopefully they won't take an age to dry.

I know you are not meant to but I put modi body in the dryer and they are fine - being drying the same pairs for 2 years and still look great.

Unless she doesn’t like black just buy black as the other colours can stain.

Buy your daughter 'The Care and Keeping of You', a book by American Girl publishing.

It is a very positive book about hygiene, and getting on with your life through the changes of puberty. It talks about feelings a girl may experience as the changes take place - feelings about herself - and there are topics like nutrition, sleep, etc.

Your daughter may need to be assessed for autism, and maybe depression. Don't let the grass grow under you here. From the young teen's pov, both of these conditions can feel like being stuck in a deep, dark hole.

Does your DD have friends?
Does she have a social life?
Does she have interests outside of school or does she take part in extra curricular activities in school?

@mathanxiety she has a small group of friends. Not much of a social life. We live quite rural so not like she can just walk to the park or in to town to meet friends. Though if she'd asked I'd happily take her. No activities in school when I asked if she wanted to do any she said and I quote "I already spend 6 hours a day there why would I want to spend more" 🙈

Does horse riding lessons on a weekend, she's very quiet there too.

I've ordered some M&S pants for her to try so we will have majority of underwear as period pants.

Be very leery of period tracker apps.

There are massive privacy issues with them, including the question of ownership of all the data entered.

The horse riding sounds lovely. I have a relative who was always more in tune with horses than people and made a great career out of it in the end.

I really do recommend the American Girl book. It's available on Amazon. Very positive, very sympathetic, and very practical.

From your description of her traits, and given that she has a brother with SEN, I would definitely look into getting her assessed for autism. It's best to understand what she's dealing with.

Hi op, I'd be inclined to have a word with gp or school about asd assessment as others have suggested. Girls can be very good at 'masking' but you've identified some behaviours there that might fit. Id ask her if she'd be more confident doing her own washing if she's hiding the underwear and show her how to use the machine etc so she can put some items on herself if she wants rid of them quickly . I'd not ask her if she needs more items, I'd just leave them in a communal space like in a cupboard in your bathroom so she can use away at what she needs and you can see what needs replacing without having to ask? If she's very private maybe a book or something about periods and personal hygiene might be a more comfortable way for her to get more information and you can just tell her that you're there to answer any questions? You could also tell her what you do to care for yourself at those times so she has an idea of a benchmark of how often to shower/ change etc. I'd avoid tampons to be honest because of the risk of tss if she doesn't change them regularly enough.

I’ve never used the word ‘on’ with my dd. We used started or finished her period. i sometimes ask to ensure she has the necessary painkillers and a pair of period pants with her but she’s pretty good at taking a pair in case.

Dd uses modi bodi - teen ones and no vpl. I just wash them with dark clothes. She has a lot of pairs as she tends to change frequently. If there are several pairs, I run a quick rinse cycle. i think using period pants every day is a great idea if your dd is struggling.

As for drying them, it does take an age to dry the cotton ones. I tend to dry dd’s on a hanger - as in put them over the hanger hook as it allows air to circulate better. Even so, they can take a good day to dry in a heated area.

My DD has additional needs but considering this she manages really well. She usually uses pads, periods pants only occasionally. She doesn’t like period pants as she can’t see if they need changing and she doesn’t like the feel of them after a few hours. She prefers changing pads frequently. We have a bag with assorted pads in the bathroom ( old make up bag) DD has nice little bag with pads in her rucksack and a pad in her handbag. I sat with her and showed her my app and we installed one for her. We go shopping to Boots to buy pads regularly. I’ve told her about rinsing and so on but I do check quietly and every other time just wash them myself. And generally we talk a lot about periods but mainly because we both have painful periods so it’s difficult not to notice them.

Periods are just hard and one of the psychologically logical reactions is denial.
Back in time, I totally refused to record my periods and if someone had came with big calendar as PP suggested, it would have alienated me even further. My mum hadn't provided me with painkillers (originally), so she knew when I was feeling really poorly and needed to go home from school in the middle of the day. When she reminded me to keep records and mentioned she remembered the dates so far, I felt totally betrayed. She was denying me my denial!

I had troubles with hygiene for some time, because in my denial I haven't noticed the physics - if my underwear was too loose, the pad wasn't safely in place. No period pants were available back in time, I suppose they help a lot.

I was looking for ways to get rid of periods, but I loved food, so I hadn't managed to get underweight enough. At one moment I was eating some random green leafs and hoping it would magic it away.

And yes, I hated all words standardly used for periods, too much focus on "this will happen again and again" and no appreciation of "I don't want it".

I don't have much advice. Thinking back about what would had help anyone communicating with me... I'd say acknowledge she doesn't like it, maybe establish some home code (very brief and kind of indirect) *. Don't push it as "ok" or "normal" - yes it is, but it is normal to hate it. Focus on the managing part - is she in pain? Other kind of discomfort? Can you help her to manage it in very, even insanely discreet way (I hated going to the main bin with packed used pad after having my evening shower. It felt way toooo obvious, but in my culture there were no bathroom bins and honestly, I'd had been scared anyone can look into them/notice when throwing them away).
Sounds you tried a lot to support her, so maybe this is just an encouragement that someone would had appreciated your approach :)

*I know that denial doesn't really help and using proper words is important, but she will have enough time for that.

PS sorry about grammar, I don't get to use unreal past conditionals much, so this part of my English is a bit rough.

I was shy and quiet at that age too but didn't mind talking to my mum about my periods. The issue you are having is that she doesn't want to talk about it but I do think you need to. I remember a friend of mine being teased mercilessly because she stank when she was on her period. Out high school wouldn't let you go to the loo during lessons and if you did it often drew attention to you being on your periods.

If you can smell period blood I would tell her tbh. If you can smell it other people will too. She needs to clean herself regularly so bath or a shower but actually needs to use shower gel during a bath and rinse off. She sounds young for her age and if you suspect autism or similar why not go to a gp for your concerns or get a private assessment?

You sound like you are doing everything you can and are a lovely mum.

Thank you for actively trying to encourage your daughter’s upkeep of hygiene and trying to help her to stay clean. When I was 13 I struggled a lot with how to keep myself clean too and my mother taught me absolutely nothing on how to take care and groom myself.

I think it’s easy to forget that basically 13 year olds are still very much children in developing bodies and compassion and patience go a long way.

I hope this helps you. Your DD sounds a bit like mine. She is now 18, and wasn’t diagnosed as having ASD until she was 16. She went through a similar time when she was denying her period too. Ever since she was a toddler she has always been very touchy about her “bits”. She presented similarly to a child who had been molested when she needed to be inspected by a GP when she was about four for a UTI, even though she knew and trusted her. This doctor was absolutely wonderful when asking all the correct questions, etc, and it turns out that this was one the earliest signs of her Autism. Like your DD, I would describe her as being introverted. She has what the specialist says is a toe over the line of the spectrum, it mostly affects her socially, causing anxiety and exhaustion. One of the other areas at the moment is her physical side and sexuality. According to the specialist, a lot of young men and women with ASD identify as bisexual initially because they are uncomfortable with both the physical changes involved in puberty and maturing into adulthood as well as the constant pressure and increase in responsibility thrust upon them during this time (school, jobs, career choices, friendships, relationships, etc.) they literally don’t have the bandwidth to commit to one or the other at this point in their life, or have too much anxiety to contemplate physical and/or emotional entanglement that they understand relationships and attraction at this point in their lives as bisexuality. Thank goodness they live in a world that is much more tolerant and accepting than when I was at high school!!! They also find a sense of community and safety amongst the quirkier crowd, with whom they have a lot in common. Anyhow, my when DD went through a stage where she chose to “disconnect” from her body changes, I asked her if she felt more comfortable discussing this with our GP than myself. Luckily she did, and of course, our GP was available because I am not in the UK and not NHS (worth a try if you explain it’s a teen MH crisis - it really is.). When my DD was older and had kept a record of her periods and symptoms on a tracker, my GP put her on the pill to regulate them and allow her to skip them if necessary. DD is now 18 and feels entirely empowered to take control with her period and also to talk to GP and me about these things if necessary.

I hope this helps you feel less alone and helps you gain some insight into what MIGHT be going through your DD’s mind. She’s probably terrified, the poor kid.

Try to be sensitive, I know you're worried but you have to let her have some independence on this issue because its her body,
you have to step back abit
I do think you did the right thing by bringing up her odour, before others notice it
But now she has to handle her hygiene solo,
As long as you've told her what to do and how to do it, the younger she learns the better
If you hand hold her, she won't do things by herself

Unless you suspect she is neurodivergent? Then that's a separate issue, she may actually need you to guide her more , if that is the case .

I had this problem myself because of adhd and autism, it can contribute to personal hygiene issues, she might have problems with executive dysfunction, or have sensory issues
The only way to fix it is a very rigid routine, if you teach her to change her pad every 3 to 4 hours, she could set an alarm on her phone to do this , also setting an alarm for shower time twice a day.
Buy her some nice body washes and things , might make her more positive towards a hygiene routine
And you can get a calendar so she can mark her period days in red ink, let her know to always have a stock of sanitary towels, maybe let her buy them herself

I bought my DDs black nylon underwear that never showed stains despite pad/tampon failures and could be washed easily and dried fast whether in tbe dryer or on the clothes rack.

Black sheets were a godsend too.

I also have a small pedal bin in the bathroom which has liners. It gets emptied every second day or so.

In my first comment I didn’t mean to shame you. This must be hard for you and your DD.

Hi @Someo . I haven't read all the individual replies but I have read yours.

I wanted to add a suggestion re the period knickers as I have a DD with ASD and other conditions. She has always had horrendous period hygeine as well, though she would at least tell me it was happening.

re the period knickers, my DD hates/loathes changing anything often, so what we did was buy her extra of the heavy duty overnight ones. She wears those during day and night on the heavier days of her period and thus only needs to change them on waking and on going to bed. She has lighter ones for later on, and does tend to wear them most days of the month. The heavier duty ones help make sure she is covered and doesn't have any accidents while she's out and about for the day.

Yep I was going to namechange to say something similar but was weirdly relieved you said this - I still don't know why I did it. My mum was very open and non-embarrassing about it all and I had plenty of supplies but I found it mortifying and would hide knickers tied up in carrier bags, which makes me even mortified now. Teenagers are weird.

Does she have a paper school planner? Marking periods in there helped me at that age. They coincided with math tests most often.

IKEA sells wonderful waterproof mattress covers which aren’t sticky or unpleasant. These can help. Throwing an old towel over the bed helps too.

I really wish I'd know you can track and predict periods when I was a teenager it would have saved some embarrassing situations I had

Gosh, don’t apologise. We know exactly what you mean. I use them for used pant liners. I just mean your daughter might think you’re insinuating she’s wearing nappies