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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Ds 16 refusing to get a PT job

121 replies

lechatnoir · 01/10/2022 23:28

Pretty much as the title says really - he says he can't be bothered and why should he. I'm not fussed about him not having any money as he's the one that will be impacted but he does absolutely nothing except go to school and straight to the gym with his mates a couple of times a week but mainly sits on his Xbox all evening and weekend when he's not out socialising.

I think it would be good for him and would break up the monotony of his week, he might enjoy it and frankly, think at 16 he should have a job and he needs to get off his arse and do something worthwhile. He seems to have very little homework so no issues with it impacting school work.
Would it be totally unreasonable to say if he doesn't get a job I'm not prepared to pay for his phone or gym membership? He's gonna through a horrible phase so anything we suggest he refuses on principle but not sure what, if anything, else we can do to motivate him.

OP posts:
SunshineLoving · 01/10/2022 23:35

Yep, I would say what you have suggested...you are not paying for his phone or gym unless he gets a job.

You want to set him up to be an adult who works and supports himself. It's not nice to have to threaten him like this but you're being cruel to be kind.

As long as he was truly making effort to find a job, I'd keep paying for his things but if he isn't trying, I would stop paying. You can let him choose whatever type of job he wants. It'll be good for him, trust me.

riotlady · 01/10/2022 23:35

This seems like one of those things it’s not worth the fight over in the long term. Yes, it would be great for him to get a job but something that he’s forced in to is just going to brew resentment. He’s doing fine at school, he exercises, I would just leave him be.

Northernsoullover · 01/10/2022 23:39

I didn't force my son at 16. Like your son he had a nice life with his dad bankrolling his phone and spending money. As he got older and wanted more things both his dad and I refused to pay so he got a job at 18. I did read him a little bit of a riot act because he had zero employment history and he finally realised how important it was.

HeddaGarbled · 01/10/2022 23:41

I think if your relationship isn’t great at the moment, this would be a really bad time to make it worse by deliberately causing an argument.

School, gym, socialising, XBox sounds acceptable for a 16 year old to me.

Original poster
lechatnoir · 01/10/2022 23:45

@SunshineLoving that's just it - the can't be arsed attitude. Why should we fund his phone/gym from our hard earned money when he's so dismissive of a few hours pt work. He wants to go on holiday with his mates next year and go to a festival and I want him to do all these fun things but certainly not prepared to fund them & it just seems a shame that he'll miss out.
But OTOH as @riotlady says, it's just another thing to fall out over and it would be easier (& save many an argument) to just let him not bother and suffer the consequences.

OP posts:
user1487194234 · 01/10/2022 23:46

His decision surely

Eupraxia · 01/10/2022 23:50

My children have got jobs at 16, led by the fact that we have zero disposable income to pay for anything non-essential.

It's not about gym membership. It's much more than that - is he getting (wanting) branded trainers but getting cheapies from Tesco? Bus fares into town - can you afford that, who's paying? Nothing non-essential like this is paid for by us. So given my children want these things - they get jobs to pay for what they want.

If you are privileged. Perhaps you don't even realise you're privileged. Then I say let your teen off needing to pay for non-essential things, you pay for them. Let him/her enjoy being a child without any financial burdens.

Mochudubh · 01/10/2022 23:51

If he doesn't want to get a job, could you get him to do more at home? The prospect of washing dishes or hoovering might make him think a paid job is a better option. Make him do his own washing, change his bed etc, if he stinks that's his choice.

JennyJustJumps · 01/10/2022 23:53

I don't know.... I have an adult DS and I think the gym membership is a luxury you COULD pull, but if your DS was using it and getting out of the house it wouldn't be something I would consider (I did pay for Gym membership from 14 to 18). The phone I wouldn't stop paying for until 18 personally. You just need it for everything, and if he did suddenly want to start looking for a job then he would need it for job hunting, there's a risk of him getting isolated without his phone and I would never consider doing this.

But I am just remembering my DS worked from age 12 (maybe 13?) starting with a paper round and then just always doing something. My DS volunteered from 16 as well to get something on his CV. I don't really think your son is doing enough either. BUT we have just came out of a massive shitshow over the last few years which my DS didn't have to endure as a teenager and I know it has made me lazy... Och I am no use at this advice lark! (I can definitely remember the difficult phase though!).

iekanda · 01/10/2022 23:58

When you say he has very little homework, are you completely sure that he's doing what school has asked?

Original poster
lechatnoir · 02/10/2022 00:00

iekanda · 01/10/2022 23:58

When you say he has very little homework, are you completely sure that he's doing what school has asked?

I've no idea - no comms from school to say otherwise and he assured e he gets it done in free periods.

OP posts:
mondaytosunday · 02/10/2022 00:08

Isn't he doing GCSEs? Surely his time should be doing work towards that. If he is in lower sixth even more essential he gets on with study.
My son did get a job at 16, but he had finished his GCSEs (summer born), and went to a vocational college so only had two and a half day of classes.
I'd expect your son to get a summer job, but not necessarily one in the school year.
As for cutting his gym membership- its healthy and gets him out of the house. I would keep that.

mdinbc · 02/10/2022 00:08

I find driver's license and potential car ownership the main factor for young men. Maybe ask him if he has thought about it?

britsabroad · 02/10/2022 00:10

Do his friends have part time jobs? Could you say to him that perhaps he could try it out and see how it goes? It would give him some extra cash for his holiday/festivals next year.
I got a job at 16 and I have always worked since. Lots of benefits to having a job at that age - gained confidence/independence, developed a work ethic/useful skills/responsibility/developed time management skills. I think I would push him to get a job or at least try it out. I wouldn't pay his gym membership. But pay the phone bill. Too many kids growing up with a sense of entitlement. Does he have any career goals (I know he's young) but if there's something he's really interested in, could he get a part time job in that field? I reckon once he's working he'd love it, and love having some extra money.

RosesAndHellebores · 02/10/2022 00:19

At 16 mine were focused on GCSEs, sports training (Saturday matches) and drama and music tuition. Schoolwork ramped exponentially in 6th form.

Therefore, I'd not support part-time jobs.

What are his aspirations?

I can sympathise mine were utterly vile from 15/16 to 21/22. DD less so.

VioletInsolence · 02/10/2022 00:42

His job is going to school…

MarshaMelrose · 02/10/2022 00:48

When I was a teenager, it was just expected that you get a Saturday job or PT work, and I worked from 13 to 18, first in cafe and then at Woolies. I can't remember any friend who didn't have part time work. Same with my children.
I don't believe that anyone who plays on the xbox all day would start studying for their GCSEs every Saturday.

Blanketpolicy · 02/10/2022 01:10

lechatnoir · 02/10/2022 00:00

I've no idea - no comms from school to say otherwise and he assured e he gets it done in free periods.

Show quote history

ds’s school gave out very little homework, the expectation was they were revising independently for a couple of hours each night (in Scotland S5/S6 the years they have their higher exams)

Energypanic · 02/10/2022 01:40

He's got the entire rest of his life to be a wage slave. I'd let him be a kid just a couple of years longer.

FatMog · 02/10/2022 02:17

My one has applied for loads of jobs but she's only got one so far, and that's voluntary work, and only for one day. We live in London so transport isn't a barrier. Only one of her friends has a job, volunteering in a local library at weekends. There's really not a lot of paid work going, not even in caffs and pubs where we are, for under-18s.

HardLanding · 02/10/2022 02:27

Energypanic · 02/10/2022 01:40

He's got the entire rest of his life to be a wage slave. I'd let him be a kid just a couple of years longer.

This ^

I had a 4 hour a week job on a Monday evening from 14-18, working in a video shop (shows age) for around £2.50 an hour plus 5 free video rentals a week - I worked there for that perk alone Grin Plus it was in a sleepy town so piss easy, no awful behaviour from customers etc. Used to do a full day on Bank Holidays for triple time (those were the days).

My Dad (moved in with him as a teen) didn’t want me working more hours than that as school work came first, alongside my emotional well-being. And any more than that would have impacted my grades etc.

JennyWI · 02/10/2022 03:13

no job- no gym no phone. You want those, you have to pay X amount

Womencanlift · 02/10/2022 04:01

I used to be involved in junior talent recruiting in my previous place of work. That covered apprentices, interns and grad placements.

Lack of work experience would often lead to an instant decline. Even if it’s a paper round or working in a local shop it shows commitment, time management and respect

Those that only focused on studies I am afraid to say would be seen as not varied enough in their experience and with so much competition for roles these days you do want to have something that makes you stand out

idontthinksodou · 02/10/2022 04:07

I had a paper round from around 13 and started working in McDonalds at 15 (a couple of months before 16 birthday), a job I kept for 5 years until I left uni and got a full time job.

I don't think it's doing him any favours continuing to pay for everything when he is capable and has some free time to work. Perhaps offer some extra incentive like that you will pay for half the holiday if he pays the other rather than saying straight out that he needs to fund it all.

I think once he starts earning he will like having his own money.

redtshirt50 · 02/10/2022 04:12

It's his choice. I would probably continue to pay for the phone and the gym membership because he is only 16, not 18 (but I would 100% stop at 18).

But once he starts asking for more money to find activities / holidays etc I wouldn't be giving it to him. I would explain very clearly now that you won't be funding the holiday and festivals so if he wants to go he should start looking for a job (and DO NOT give in later down the line)

Now is a great time to be looking for a xmas temp job.

What about suggesting he gets a temp job to save up a bit of cash, then he can quit in the new year if he wants. The hope is that he'll like the money and will want to carry on.

But you can't force him.

My friend's little brother was like this, he just couldn't be bothered.

He would miss out on stuff because he couldn't afford it (and his mum couldn't either,), but he didn't care. He actually said once I would rather eat plain rice for dinner everyday than get a deadbeat job.

He's doing a bit better now but still does the bare minimum to get by.