Ds 16 refusing to get a PT job

[lechatnoir]

Pretty much as the title says really - he says he can't be bothered and why should he. I'm not fussed about him not having any money as he's the one that will be impacted but he does absolutely nothing except go to school and straight to the gym with his mates a couple of times a week but mainly sits on his Xbox all evening and weekend when he's not out socialising.

I think it would be good for him and would break up the monotony of his week, he might enjoy it and frankly, think at 16 he should have a job and he needs to get off his arse and do something worthwhile. He seems to have very little homework so no issues with it impacting school work.
Would it be totally unreasonable to say if he doesn't get a job I'm not prepared to pay for his phone or gym membership? He's gonna through a horrible phase so anything we suggest he refuses on principle but not sure what, if anything, else we can do to motivate him.

Those helpful posts saying "well I'd just make them get a job/do chores" how exactly would you do that with a defiant teen?

Money... no pocket money. No xbox subscription.
I'd keep the gym and phone.

Are the school going to fund each year 12 student’s extra curricular activities, make up, cinema visits etc?

Dunno. It’s just what they sent.

But OTOH as @riotlady says, it's just another thing to fall out over and it would be easier (& save many an argument) to just let him not bother and suffer the consequences.

This is how entitled people start out, expecting others to stump up for them so don't suffer the

It's more that he can't be bothered to get a job but still expects to have use of his phone and gym membership.
Maybe meet half way to start with and you pay for either phone or gym but not both.

He’s only four weeks into the term. There won’t necessarilly be lots of homework at the start of the year, plus the amount of homework given can vary by the school or college, by the teacher and by the subject. I did not have much homework doing my A-levels aside from the coursework and that wasn’t given out right at the start of the very first term. If he really is doing his homework in his free periods then he may be able to manage it so he doesn’t have to take much home.

It is not a blanket ban on working, it is just a reminder that there needs to be a balance. In an ideal world lots of us would prefer not to work and concentrate on other things. The reality is that financially not all households can afford to pay for the social lives and needs of their growing teens. Doing some work even a few hours a week is perfectly feasible and is also actually of great benefit to their overall development.

It's not just the money that a job brings, it's maturity. Having to think problems through, get on with different people you'd not usually choose to spend time with and organise your time to cope with other aspects of life.

Many employers and universities will look at outside experience and motivation and so it's a good thing for a child to have motivated themselves to find employment.

All of my older kids have worked, one in hospitality and one in a variety of mainly physical jobs, he earned a fortune over the holidays and loved it. It hasn't affected their studies, one went on to a RG Uni and got a job to fund their lifestyle immediately and the other is in higher 6th and works during the holidays due to boarding during the week, although they even got a job in the school coffee shop to earn a few quid during term time.

We pay for everything as were in the position to but they've been taught to spend a little and save a lot. They had a little nest egg for university or a house deposit when it's needed and value the money they earn due to seeing how much you have to work to obtain it. We don't mind paying as they're being responsible and adult about finances but if they weren't the right would be swiftly pulled from under them. E'll match what they've managed to save as a reward for being sensible and responsible.

I'd have a serious conversation about how his choices now will affect his choices as he gets older, no nest egg, no festivals or holidays and no driving lessons or a car. I wouldn't penalise him but would most certainly speak to him about what the consequences will be if he continues behaving as he is.

Exactly this. The amount of parents that complain their children do nothing yet when asked, their hand goes straight in their pocket and they’re handing £20 over. I refused to sign up to a phone contract for my children as ultimately the buck and therefore the bill if they exceeded any limits would stop with me and I didn’t want any unexpected charges. They hated that their phones were older (handed down from me, I’m not having my child’s cast off phone) and pay as you go to start with and once they showed they could do the small amount of chores it changed to sim only.

Also just for perspective, some of DDs friends had to work quite a lot right through A levels due to family circumstances and achieved too grades. While not ideal I have nothing but admiration for these kids and their work ethic they are simply amazing young people.

Sorry * top grades

Times have changed. They're expected to do an additional hour per subject per week outside of non contacts. The workload has increased.

DD and her friends tend to be the high flyers academically in her school. Mostly predicted all A*s and As etc, quite a few applying for Oxbridge, Imperial etc. Nearly all of them have jobs and they seem to be able to juggle work and study pretty effectively, so I don't buy the argument that they need to focus on their studies exclusively. They learn a huge amount from working too.

I think if they've got time to spend hours online gaming, Netflix or looking at pointless stuff on their phone they can actually manage to work for a few hours a week.

How long ago did you take your A levels @MolkosTeenageAngst? @Maireas is right. The work level has increased significantly in recent years.

DD and her friends tend to be the high flyers academically in her school. Mostly predicted all A stars and As etc, quite a few applying for Oxbridge, Imperial etc. Nearly all of them have jobs and they seem to be able to juggle work and study pretty effectively

I think the clue here is that they are managing because they are academic high flyers, so I think your point is irrelevant.

No of course I don't believe it I know from seeing him nosedive during his GCSE years that he just doesn't care or is bothered enough about the repercussions- if we or someone in authority tells him something he will do the opposite out of defiance. In some ways I almost wish I had let him fail his GCSE's as he clearly has no interest in his chosen subjects & maybe getting a job or apprenticeship would have been the better option. But I felt he just hadn't matured and would regret not going to sixth form (he has dreams of a gap year!!!) so pushed him and he scraped enough of a pass to stay on at school.
We will get an end of year report that will no doubt say no major issues (he's really nice to everyone else!) but not working hard enough, letting himself down etc

We pay for all his essentials but really nothing more bar phone & gym. And I agree these are luxuries but I'd rather be able to keep in contact and don't want to take away his only form of exercise.

The annoying thing in all this, age 14/15 he had a Saturday job - he really bloody grafted & earned a fortune (spent on clothes and gadgets as no social life in lockdown!) but he stopped at Christmas to do his GCSE's and he now says he hated losing his weekend, not worth the effort, not paid enough, not fussed having money, never enjoyed it So the lure of money isn't working and he won't be told that there are other ways to make money without grafting outdoors in all weather for 9 hour days! Incidentally we never once had to force him to go - he got himself up and out at 7am, cycled to work and back and it was a godsend during lockdown whatever he says about it now!

@PanPacificBallroomChampion & @Ylvamoon I can assure you there are no handouts. He has a very old iPhone, an £8 giffgaff sim only deal and £19.99 gym membership. He went to Nando's with his mates the other day with about 20p so presumably either sat there not eating or nicked theirs - I keep hoping they'll get sick of him sponging but no sign so far. He can get to everywhere he wants as he has free travel pass for school. I obviously buy his toiletries and clothes but he doesn't really need much (legacy of previous job and asks for clothes for Xmas and birthday).

Hi. If he doesn't want any extra money then I would not force the issue. I doubt forva minute thst the lack of lack will continue as I'm.a secondary sch teacher and mocks will be happening and also there is always stuff to do.

@lechatnoir - just leave it at that and tell him that he can earn money if he needs to.

From what you have said in your PP he does have a good work ethic. With the little information originally I assumed wrongly that you were paying out a lot more and I quite rightly stand corrected. It might just be a case of him not knowing what he wants to do but knowing what he doesn’t. It’s probably not worth bringing it up again until after Christmas to give you all a break from the conversation. The only thing it might be worth pursuing if it’s not in hand already is the responsibility of one meal a week for the family as he’s learning to provide a meal and giving whoever usually does it a break. My two were reluctant to learn but we stuck with it. We’ve had some interesting dinners over the years (curried coleslaw as a side dish was unique) and now they’re at uni when they come home they just offer to do something for everyone. You’re right to want him to work and I’m sure he’ll realise you’re right but sometimes it takes them a bit longer than we’d like. He’ll find his path.

I've had this with my eldest. She didn't get a job till finishing A levels in the end. Its difficult, you don't want to force them into a job, as some employer will be landed with a grumpy teen who doesn't want to be there. But at 18 we were definitely putting more pressure on.
Its definitely been good for her, boosted her confidence, and this summer she was much more proactive and went for jobs off her own bat.
My youngest is 17 and lacks confidence. To be fair she applied for a Saturday job (with encouragement and support) was interviewed but didn't get it. The job was advertised on indeed and had a lot of applicants.

OP, I would be wary of stopping the gym membership as it sounds like that gets him out and socialising.

Does he seem happy OP?