Ds 16 refusing to get a PT job

[lechatnoir]

Pretty much as the title says really - he says he can't be bothered and why should he. I'm not fussed about him not having any money as he's the one that will be impacted but he does absolutely nothing except go to school and straight to the gym with his mates a couple of times a week but mainly sits on his Xbox all evening and weekend when he's not out socialising.

I think it would be good for him and would break up the monotony of his week, he might enjoy it and frankly, think at 16 he should have a job and he needs to get off his arse and do something worthwhile. He seems to have very little homework so no issues with it impacting school work.
Would it be totally unreasonable to say if he doesn't get a job I'm not prepared to pay for his phone or gym membership? He's gonna through a horrible phase so anything we suggest he refuses on principle but not sure what, if anything, else we can do to motivate him.

I’m going to be sending my dds up chimneys at 16!
They won’t be getting away with not working. It’ll be a few hours at the weekend or in the evenings.

Dh and I both worked at 16. If they want something, they will learn that they will have to earn the money for it. They have trust accounts which they will have access to at 18, but they don’t know that. I’m not having mine laze around at home, like my db did as a teen.
Does your ds do chores at home?

Underneath he may be a little nervous about getting a job and keeping up a bit of bravado so not to show this. The less money some teens have the better so if temptation around drink/ drugs comes their way they have no money to indulge. I think l would leave off him until next Summer as the fact he is going to the gym is good and actually being at home after that is the best place to be.
One of my ds got a job as soon as he could. Always wanted to work but actually hated school and everything about it. Getting that job made him resent school even more.
Other ds was very reluctant to even try to get one but worked all the way through university and academically did better. So getting a job is not always a good thing at such a young age. I would leave it for now. Give him a job eg cutting the lawn that he has full responsibility for at home.

Both mine started at 13 with paper rounds, DS going into retail at 16 and DD a chippy at 15 then retail at 16.

both are far from perfect but have incredible work ethics now in their mid and late 20s.

if he’s in year 12 I would be cutting back on the phone money. If he’s in year 11 I might cut some slack until next summer as you usually have to have to have passed official school leaving age (is it July after 16?) to get into retail unless it’s an i dependent place.

I think you should tell him that when he is 17 you will stop paying for the phone etc. and he needs to have something lined up by then.

Gives him a bit of time to get used to the idea, and maybe you can do a bit of prep with him. He might actually be a bit anxious about it.

If he isn't bothered about going to festivals with his friends, I'd leave him to it. Just don't give him any more money than you already are. Without your ex's backing you won't win. As PP said even if his dad buys him a car next year, he'll need to pay for fuel etc. Maybe that will galvanise him.

I don't have spare income at all but ds (14) is determined to go on the school Ski trip so he's been working Sunday mornings since last year. He enjoys it.

If he’s going to school, keeping fit and staying safe I would be incredibly grateful and encouraging him to continue. It could be so much worse, not ok at school, not exercising and/or roaming the streets.

I would leave it. Soon enough he’ll find the motivation when there’s something expensive he wants!

Mine all had jobs as teens but they were all opportunities that I noticed or engineered initially. Do you know of anyone/anywhere who could offer a bit of paid work/volunteering. I do also kind of agree about having money can lead to making poor choices. I wouldn't stop his phone ,could downgrade to a lesser one. I probably wouldn't stop the gym if that's the only time he exercises. Part of me also thinks this generation are not going to retire very early so actually if on balance he is doing what he needs to maybe that's OK.

I volunteered at 16. Just a couple of hours a week. Low pressure but great for putting on my CV.
I’d suggest something like that to ‘earn’ his gym etc.

I normally don’t like it when posters reply with irrelevant anecdotes but I do have one here and hopefully it won’t be irrelevant.

My birthday is early in the academic year and my mum and dad were obsessed with me getting a job. It wasn’t a money thing, my mum in particular had visions of me making lots of friends and learning vital skills.

It was a bloody nightmare as the jobs I had treated me like absolute shit and I really, REALLY resented my parents for forcing me. None of my friends had jobs (I was still in y11, a few more worked in sixth form) and I was actually sacked from a couple of places for my bad attitude and walked out of a couple more or just didn’t go. I once spent an entire Sunday walking around town with no money or food because I just couldn’t face going in.

I am now a teacher myself and I do worry about some of the sixth formers who massively prioritise earning money over their exams and coursework, I do understand why but it’s not great for them.

I know there are benefits to working PT but these benefits aren’t ones with a time limit, you have a long time to work. I would honestly not push it or withhold money even, resentment between parent and child rarely works in my experience. It’s definitely reasonable to not pay for anything mega expensive or to keep that for Christmas and birthdays but ordinary toiletries and phone (teens do need one) and perhaps with some controversy I even think driving lessons. They are really expensive but driving is such a useful skill. I’ve outlined above something my parents did wrong but one thing they did right was force me to learn to drive as I wouldn’t have done it alone.

Ultimately you know your son but I really think at this time going to the gym and hopefully some exam prep is fine.

He wants to go on holiday with his mates next year and go to a festival

How has this been phrased to you? If he won't consider getting a job, does he have an automatic expectation that, despite cost of living etc, you'll just pay for it for him?
I think you'd be very reasonable to let him know now that this won't be funded by you. But do let him know now, to give him the chance to try to get a job and save the money.

I agree with you. He needs to get a job to fund his phone and gym membership, or at least be able to contribute to the costs. If he wants to go to a festival, let him pay for it. My Saturday job and after school job funded lots of extra curricular activities and weekends away between the ages of 16-18, as parents didn’t have much money. I still managed to find the time to study, and ran to keep fit. It won’t do him any harm. Give him a few months to find a job, though.

In todays era of zero hours contracts it seems to me that traditional Saturday jobs like I had at 16 just don’t exist because employers don’t need to get someone in to cope with busier Saturdays they can just. Use their existing older workforce to do shift work. So I dont blame him for not getting or wanting a job. I would think gym and phone are essentials you should pay for but maybe warn him now he needs to fund the festival.

Gym membership an essential ! 😂

Is it that he can’t be arsed or is it a confidence thing.

I wanted my son to get a job at 16 and he really dragged his feet. Eventually applied for some with me sat next to him making him apply & didn’t even get an interview - a lot of places want 18 year olds. A 16 year old with no experience didn’t seem to be an employers dream! He really needed to be going into small cafes etc with his cv but didn’t have the confidence to do that.

i have refused to fund anything except phone. Did say if he sold any of the stuff we need to get rid of he could keep the proceeds. Now a year later he’s been applying for jobs with zero input from me (without even telling me, I haven’t seen any of the applications) & has an interview next week for a Xmas job. I hope he gets it because he’ll take it seriously & I think it will be a big confidence boost & enough experience so that he can pick something up easily after 18. He’s grown up in the last year, goes out more & wants more money which means he is far more motivated.

I’d definitely be making clear now you won’t be finding a festival trip. (The only way I would was if he was trying really hard to find a job but hadn’t been successful - certainly would not fund anything like that if he wasn’t even trying).

Agree - the Saturday job I had at 16 in Sainsburys just doesn’t seem to exist anymore. A lot of ads say 18 plus as well.

Dd is 15 almost 16 but in year 11, we've agreed that no part time jobs until she finishes her exams so she can concentrate on those.
I pay her phone, gym and pocket money of £20 a month.

He is 16! Still at school! Studying for gcses! What's the urgent rush to get a job! He will be going to college soon, maturing a little more. Let him enjoy being 16. He has his whole life to work! At 17/18, he will realise he needs to get a job to have money. You badgering and forcing him will not help your relationship. I have a son who has just started college.

Yeah I suspect there's a bit of worry about the process underneath too.

The trouble is, the older you get the more an employer expects.

All this 'poor him, wage slave' nonsense, get real.
I worked from 15. I got a job in a sports shop at 16. I loved it (after the first few weeks). Made really good friends and learned how to be 'work me' and to put on a front. That job and it's terrible wage paid me through uni. I worked full time in the holidays to save.

Made getting work at uni easy. That work not only covered my living expenses but some of the deposit I put down on my first flat.

Without part time work I would not have had the same opportunities in life. I saved hard young to fund uni as my mum was only on shop wages and it would have been impossible otherwise. Now I can afford to stay part time so it has balanced out.

Encourage him to places with other young people. My sister loved MacDonalds and it actually has a very good training scheme

At 16 I don't think you should try and force him when he's still in education.

These are life lessons. A parents job is to prepare their child for independence. To become an adult with the ability to work and provide for a future family. Lounging around playing on the X Box all day is not helping him in the slightest.

I was working in some capacity or other from the age of 8. It gave me an excellent foundation to be able to cope with responsibility, the ability to work alongside people and accept guidance/orders without it ruffling my feathers. I think many young people find that transition into a workplace really difficult. They can act like their boss us their parent and push back against it. When you think about how many years we work in our lifetime it’s so much easier if work is enjoyable rather than endured.

If he has free periods I am assuming he is Y12 not Y11 (if in England). Don’t usually have free periods in GCSE year. What is he studying? A-levels require quite a bit of additional study, more than would fit in his free periods so should be doing quite a bit of studying at home.

However, he could fit in a few hours of paid work. In our area hospitality is crying out for staff so quite easy to get a job like waiting tables, washing up.

Does he plan to learn to drive?

This- thank you for saying it so well!
I work in a college and help advise on progression. I despair over the students who want an apprenticeship but have zero work experience.

Also- university sandwich degrees? Those can be tricky to get too if they don’t have work experience.
You all may think you’re helping your kids by letting them doss around, but you’re not.

OP there are usually jobs for young people at leisure centres. Have you thought of that?

He wants to go on holiday with his mates next year and go to a festival

I’d be making it very clear to him that you’re not paying for holidays and festivals, and if he wants to do those things he’ll need to fund them himself.

Maybe having a focus of specific things he wants to do will encourage him.

Coming up to Christmas there might be temp roles available, I know there always are round here. That would be a good way to start working a few hours.

One thing ds did do over the last year was some additional free online courses which are more work related. He’s added them to his cv - I don’t know whether that has helped, may show willing I guess.. I suspect for the Xmas job they just want bodies - which is perfect for him applying with limited experience.

If you've been repeated to pay for phone and gym whilst he was in school I'd continue through college.

I had certain things I paid for until ds ended education and I didn't stop because he switched to college.

I basically used his CB from 14 to pay phone and then rest he got half and half went into savings he could ask for money from for bigger purchases.

I continued to pay for basic clothes, toiletries etc.

He always knew once he left college then he would take on costs himself for certain things and so he naturally found a job when he knew he needed one to fund the lifestyle he wanted. My ds doesn't really socialise or go out and isn't interested in festivals etc.

My ds is continuing for another 2 years doing a HND and he took a student loan this year although he's working to pay towards household costs (we agreed a a package where I'd continue his phone, toiletries etc within his contribution towards food/bills).

He worked out the amount he got for first year should last him the 2 years with his PT work lowering the loan amount required.

My point is that if you give him the state of play as it'll happen then he can decide for himself what he wants to do to fund whatever lifestyle he wants. The attitude obviously isn't good but other than the basic necessities like chores around the home you need to let him forge his own path outside of it. Gym membership could be dependent on him pulling his weight with housework for example.

Although you want him to have a lifestyle of festivals etc it may not be what he wants. And if it becomes what he wants and he doesn't have the money he will find the internal motivation to change that.