Ds 16 refusing to get a PT job

[lechatnoir]

Pretty much as the title says really - he says he can't be bothered and why should he. I'm not fussed about him not having any money as he's the one that will be impacted but he does absolutely nothing except go to school and straight to the gym with his mates a couple of times a week but mainly sits on his Xbox all evening and weekend when he's not out socialising.

I think it would be good for him and would break up the monotony of his week, he might enjoy it and frankly, think at 16 he should have a job and he needs to get off his arse and do something worthwhile. He seems to have very little homework so no issues with it impacting school work.
Would it be totally unreasonable to say if he doesn't get a job I'm not prepared to pay for his phone or gym membership? He's gonna through a horrible phase so anything we suggest he refuses on principle but not sure what, if anything, else we can do to motivate him.

If you’re financing him he has no incentive to work. Does he do anything around the home to contribute? I used to pay for my DD phone but she did the ironing in return. When she realised that we wouldn’t finance her social life 16+ she got a weekend job.

This. There are hardly any weekend jobs available round here. They all have silly requirements like 10 hours a week, but they want you available at any time over the week to complete those. I should think even the traditional Christmas season jobs in retail will dry up as people shop more online.

I agree with @Beachbabe1 and I don’t understand the discrepancy between your focus on the job hunt vs being chilled about school/college. Surely both matter, and ultimately school/college is the focus at this age?

I wouldn’t extend that to say you have to cover hols/festivals obviously, although I’d stick with the gym if financially it’s not causing you problems. Soon enough the desire for holidays/festivals will create a natural consequence anyway.

There is also legislation that makes it harder for teens to work than when I was young so hearing people's experiences of the 80s and 90s isn't really relevant.

I agree about the lack of weekend only jobs.

If he’s still at school check what jobs they have there. My middle son worked as a dinner assistant in years 12 & 13 (until covid closed the school - then he landed a job with track & trace). The dinner assistant job paid surprisingly well & was obviously no problem fitting around school.

I would keep paying phone and Gym but stop there. No extra money.

You haven't said what school year he is, and if he's in y12 what he is studying.
My guess from context is he is y12, doing A levels at a school.

He should be doing around 1hrs work for every 1 hour taught. He may get far less than that explicit homework, but should be doing extra reading (humanities) or extra questions (maths/science) to really embed knowledge.

My guess is that soon the 'find a job' will be the least of your worries, and doing poorly in internal assessment due to lack of work will supplant it.

My DS age 16 doesn't want to get a job. Yes he spends lots of time on the Xbox and hangs out with his mates, but he's also working hard at school, playing football at a decent standard and playing saxophone in a band. He doesn't mind having cheap trainers etc. It's your call but personally I think refusing to fund his phone would be a bit mean.

Does he help out at home, maybe start to give him weekly jobs he has to do to fund his gym and phone. As for festivals, it's a tough one as I'd want him to go out and socialise, but it's not on if he's expecting you to fund it. Maybe make it clear if he wants anything over and above gym and phone he either gets money for birthdays/Xmas it gets a job

If he's is in GCSE year then I think a job is not a good thing until exams are over. If he's is in year 12 then starting to get some work experience either paid or voluntary is a very important thing IMO. It is not just about the money although this is nice too but more about learning responsibility, time keeping, learning new skills, gaining confidence and starting to understand what the working world is about. These skills all help with independence and self reliance especially as they grow up and maybe move away to university.

16 and in year 11?I'd not pick that hill to die on.
My elder dds had jobs after the end of year 11. Maccies, cleaning, Argos, Boots etc.
Youngest DD (we have moved) will hopefully pick up waitressing or similar when she finishes gcses.

From what OP says about free periods I assume her son is in year 12, doing A levels at a school.

It depends.... how many chores does he has at home? Is he doing them? If not, start there! Also, check his school work and hygiene (I have a DS ...) I would liknk these to his pocket money. Just give a set amount each month... thats for socialising, ao if he wants more, he can get more by doing more.
Work can wait, it's more important to teach him responsibility for himself and around the home. Once that's in place, he can look at having a job.

I had my first jobs around 12/13 I think. In a shop on a Saturday and then in a takeaway answering the phone. Both didn't last long and then I got a proper job as soon as my NI card came through. We wanted to go on holiday. I've worked ever since. Even having two jobs around Christmas when I was in 6th form.

This was because my mum didn't have money for the extra stuff I wanted/to do.

Your son sounds entitled, lazy and unprepared for real life. I'd certainly start withdrawing privileges you only get if you earn or contribute.

I'm not buying the lack of homework line TBH.

I would pay for phone contract (no upgrades) and gym because it’s getting him out and good for him. Nothing above that though so no actual cash for him to spend.

Knowing how much his phone and gym are costing you every month would be interesting to know and if he is socialising a bit, how often and how much does that cost you? When you add it all up it’s probably a significant amount each month. If he doesn’t do chores which I’m presuming as you haven’t mentioned anything he could start by cooking dinner a couple of days each week so he’s learning to cook too and he could begin doing his own laundry at 16 easily.

His choice but you should definitely not be paying for his phone or gym. Tell him you will stop paying for these in xx months time to give him time to find a job.

Frankly I would prefer a kid that age to focus solely on his studies and make doing well at school his priorities.

I actually think it would be more important for you to check what is happening at school as well because it would be unusual for someone to have ''little homework to do'' all the time.

I would see a part-time job or an internship as something he can do in his summer break instead.

If you can't afford to pay for gym membership or a phone, then you have to tell him the gym and expensive phone contract will be cancelled and you will get him a cheap pay as you go so he has something for emergency calls.

It really does not have to be that complicated and I think you should choose your battles.

Kids also need to socialise and rest at the weekend. Not spent it working after having spent their entire week at school.

Yes sorry should have said he's Yr12 not 11.
Lack of school work is an issue and I have no doubt he's not doing enough or bare minimum to fall under the radar. we had a hellish few months getting him through gcse after he failed all his mocks - I told him it was for his own good but promised if he got into sixth form it would be down to him to do the work as it would break me/us to go through that again. He is also doing A level + diploma so workload may not be as high. He has a bus pass for school so getting places not an option and lack of money doesn't seem to curtail his busy social life.

To answer a few other queries, he knows we won't be paying for holidays & festivals (couldn't afford them even if we wanted to) and I thought knowing that might motivate him but literally nothing does. Lots of his friends have jobs and in the summer was offered a coaching gig in a sport he loves (summer sport hence not doing it now) but turned that down as he "can't be arsed". £30 for 3 hours!!!! He's done a bit of babysitting but won't follow up / doesnt reply to requests so they've stopped asking. Did some gardening in the summer and they were thrilled with him & wanted him to come more regularly (I honestly think he could have dictated the hours there) - "nah, too hard rather not"

So this is why he needs a job or to do some volunteering - he is lazy and entitled and has zero worth ethic. Those helpful posts saying "well I'd just make them get a job/do chores" how exactly would you do that with a defiant teen? I'm pretty sure I said the same a few years back

Yanbu, but maybe give it a few months first.

My dd is 17. She is one of the youngest in her year, and started working the week after her 16th birthday. (Just after finishing GCSEs). Only a couple of her friends had jobs at that point. A lot of them weren't interested.

Fast forward to now, and I think almost all her friends have jobs, including the ones who weren't at all interested a year ago.

He's got a job. It's called going to school full time to gain some GCSEs. Whilst you're at work, that's where he is. Do you want to take a second job in the evenings? No? Neither does he. I truly don't get this sort of attitude OP. Education should be his main focus right now. You dismiss going to school like it's nothing!

Apologies- missed the update re y12. The rest of my post still stands.

I would add, there was definitely some judgement in dd's peer group towards the end of year 12 towards those who didn't have a PT job...a perception that, if you didn't work, you were somehow immature for just relying on the bank of mum and dad. So you might find that peer pressure will kick in at some point.

He does “absolutely nothing” except go to school, the gym and socialise….he’s 16!! “Get off his arse and do something worthwhile” he’s 16!!!!