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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Ds 16 refusing to get a PT job

121 replies

lechatnoir · 01/10/2022 23:28

Pretty much as the title says really - he says he can't be bothered and why should he. I'm not fussed about him not having any money as he's the one that will be impacted but he does absolutely nothing except go to school and straight to the gym with his mates a couple of times a week but mainly sits on his Xbox all evening and weekend when he's not out socialising.

I think it would be good for him and would break up the monotony of his week, he might enjoy it and frankly, think at 16 he should have a job and he needs to get off his arse and do something worthwhile. He seems to have very little homework so no issues with it impacting school work.
Would it be totally unreasonable to say if he doesn't get a job I'm not prepared to pay for his phone or gym membership? He's gonna through a horrible phase so anything we suggest he refuses on principle but not sure what, if anything, else we can do to motivate him.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 02/10/2022 09:14

Both of mine dragged their feet in getting jobs at 16. They were too immature, basically. At 18, the maturity kicked in and they are both hard working tax payers now in their 20’s.

I wouldn’t pay for the gym but the phone I would. Keep having the conversation that this is your limit and if he wants more “things” he will have to find a way to fund them

Tanfastic · 02/10/2022 09:16

I had my first job at 14 but that was in 1986 I don't think it's like that now and the pressure isn't the same as it was back then. My mum and dad didn't suggest it, I wanted more money for clothes and stuff so just went round places, called in and asked.

I wouldn't be forcing my 16 year old who was still in education to find a part time job. I'd suggest it and I wouldn't fund anything for him more than the essentials but pressure him? No.

My son is 14, does pretty much the same as yours re Xbox etc and I have told him he would really benefit from getting one when he's a bit older for the work experience more than anything and social skills etc (he's a bit shy and anxious) but I wouldn't pressure him.

I think once your son realises he isn't going to get the luxuries in life handed on a plate his view will change too. I also think if his mates start getting jobs that will also encourage him.

toomuchlaundry · 02/10/2022 09:19

How does he think he will pay for the festival next year?

rookiemere · 02/10/2022 09:19

I wouldn't push it during term time, but I would point out that you aren't paying for festivals and holidays.

DS16 is the same, I hoped he'd get something during the summer - even once a week would have been great, but he got one day at a friends parents business.

However a friends DS did get a job but is struggling at school, staying out late and having some behavioural issues. So be careful what you wish for, your DS is going to ft education, exercising and not getting into trouble.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 02/10/2022 09:21

He’s at school full time, I don’t think it’s unreasonable for him not to want a job as well right now if he doesn’t want the money. He’s 16, I don’t think any of my friends had jobs at 16. I didn’t get my first job until I was 17 and even then it was just a summer job in the holidays, I didn’t have a weekly part-time a job until I was at uni. You’re completely reasonable to say no to giving him extra money if he wants it and to say he needs a job, but if he’s happy to go without I don’t see why you want to force him into having a job. I miss being a teen as it was the only time in my life so far that I got to enjoy my free time and didn’t have constant pressures of work and household chores etc as you do in adulthood, and let’s be honest most of his generation will probably be working until they die as pension age will likely be raised again and state pensions abolished so this might be the only period in his life where he gets to just enjoy living and have some spare time.

CrapBucket · 02/10/2022 09:25

My teens have their phone, gym, sports club all paid for by me/ex and a small monthly allowance.

DD has a PT job, DS doesn't. A lot of his friends have jobs and spend their wages on nice clothes. DS reckons he would rather stick with the clothes he has, and have more time for studying to up his chances of getting to uni (not sure if he will get the grades right now). I think that's the right choice for him.

Also - I agree with previous points about jobs when we were young. Teenage life in the 90s is utterly irrelevant to today!!

SilverGlitterBaubles · 02/10/2022 09:26

I don't think you can force it OP just be straight with what you can afford to fund and what you can't and then it is up to him to get work to fund the rest. I would hope a bit more growing up, wanting to socialise more, maybe even learn to drive and seeing his peers work will eventually get him motivated. He should certainly at least be looking to work in the next summer holidays.

As I said previously it is about more than the money, it is as important to gain some life skills as it is to get academic grades. It helps with so many aspects of their self confidence, self reliance, resilience, maturity etc. Too many teens are finishing education immature and unable to cope with their next steps be that university or anything else because frankly they've been mollycoddled and it is not doing them any favours.

FamilyTreeBuilder · 02/10/2022 09:28

I have a DD who is 17 (just) and started work 2 weeks after her 16th birthday last september in a major high street store. She does 6 hours every Sunday.

We do not "need" her to work and contribute to the family finances but she likes having her own money for trips out with friends, Zara shopping, etc. She likes being with a different group of people who are not school friends. Most of her other friends have jobs too in local cafes or shops.

She did absolutely fine in her Higher exams this year and is on track for unconditional offers at Uni. Kids aren't - or shouldn't be - just studying and nothing else at that age, they need time to do other stuff too and six hours a week working isn't going to ruin anyone's exam chances.

One thing I would caution is that it can be hard to get a job in one of the major chains, my older son recently applied for a job at a supermarket on a 12 hour contract, they wanted complete flexibility over when he did those 12 hours which he can't do as he has Uni. Fixed shifts aren't always easy to come by.

Original poster
lechatnoir · 02/10/2022 09:29

@CrapBucket if he wanted to use his spare time studying I would absolutely applaud and support this and agree that getting a job wasn't sensible and he clearly has a good work ethic and attitude.
Unfortunately if my ds does more than an hour of homework a week I'd be amazed so has considerably more free time!

OP posts:
pimlicoanna · 02/10/2022 09:29

Stop funding him and he'll have to get a job. Once he does then see which things you want to continue to fund again. If he loves going to the gym having a phone etc then he'll have to get a job to pay for it. It's a massive disservice to kids this age not to get them into the real world of work to some extent and get them used to managing money whilst they are still living at home.

FacebookPhotos · 02/10/2022 09:33

I wouldn’t insist on it at this age. I would keep paying for the phone (as long as it isn’t crazy expensive) and the gym membership (because keeping up an exercise routine is so good for young people). I wouldn’t pay for festivals, holidays, driving lessons etc, and I’d give a moderate clothes allowance (enough to buy basics). I think it is a parent’s responsibility to provide reasonable necessities until their child leaves school.

Maireas · 02/10/2022 09:35

FacebookPhotos · 02/10/2022 09:33

I wouldn’t insist on it at this age. I would keep paying for the phone (as long as it isn’t crazy expensive) and the gym membership (because keeping up an exercise routine is so good for young people). I wouldn’t pay for festivals, holidays, driving lessons etc, and I’d give a moderate clothes allowance (enough to buy basics). I think it is a parent’s responsibility to provide reasonable necessities until their child leaves school.

I agree with you. He's a child and the parents responsibility. He'll have plenty of time in "the real world" when he's an adult.

Ellmau · 02/10/2022 09:37

He seems to have very little homework so no issues with it impacting school work.

Don't believe this, OP! Have you had any feedback from school re predicted grades?

More likely, he does very little homework but a job would not make him do less. He sounds addicted to his X box, which to me would be more of an issue than whether or not he has a job.

But if he is not likely to do well in exams and has a poor work ethic, how is he going to fund life post 18?

Maireas · 02/10/2022 09:41

Ellmau · 02/10/2022 09:37

He seems to have very little homework so no issues with it impacting school work.

Don't believe this, OP! Have you had any feedback from school re predicted grades?

More likely, he does very little homework but a job would not make him do less. He sounds addicted to his X box, which to me would be more of an issue than whether or not he has a job.

But if he is not likely to do well in exams and has a poor work ethic, how is he going to fund life post 18?

I agree with you, this is what stands out most to me. He should be doing more school work.

RampantIvy · 02/10/2022 09:42

Unfortunately if my ds does more than an hour of homework a week I'd be amazed so has considerably more free time!

If he had been at DD's school he would be managed out, if not now, but by the end of year 12.

A level work needs an hour of self study per hour taught, so he clearly isn't doing enough work. Even with free periods DD had a lot of homework in years 12 and 13.

whenwillthemadnessend · 02/10/2022 09:43

I'd find the important stuff.
Exercise phone as long as school work good.

Other stuff nights out. Computer games. Luxury clothes. Then it's birthday sans Xmas or he gets a job.

Places are crying out at the mo
My
Dd works between 4/8 hours a week at a golf club on bar and it's been great for her.

Off the back of it she has been offered loads of other interviews but she hasn't taken them up.

It's looks good on a cv to have done something. Employers like to see some work experience even if it's just a bar job. It's shows responsibility and work ethics.

YellowTreeHouse · 02/10/2022 09:43

YABU. He’s got his whole life to work. This is the only time he has to just be free.

Don't take that away from him.

dottiedodah · 02/10/2022 09:43

He sounds fairly stable ATM.Going to School,not in any trouble .I wouldnt rock the boat ATM .16 is fairly young still .His phone is an essential item ,so is Gym Membership! Unless you have your back to the wall ,I would wait a year or two

toomuchlaundry · 02/10/2022 09:43

How many subjects is he doing?

When is your first parents’ evening?

SilverGlitterBaubles · 02/10/2022 09:45

pimlicoanna · 02/10/2022 09:29

Stop funding him and he'll have to get a job. Once he does then see which things you want to continue to fund again. If he loves going to the gym having a phone etc then he'll have to get a job to pay for it. It's a massive disservice to kids this age not to get them into the real world of work to some extent and get them used to managing money whilst they are still living at home.

I agree, it's our job as parents to get these teens ready to be able to cope and live independently as adults. DSis works for a university and says there are far too many young people struggling at uni because they are just not prepared for life.

toomuchlaundry · 02/10/2022 09:45

@dottiedodah not that stable if only doing one hour a week of homework. He should be doing at least that every night

catsonahottinroof · 02/10/2022 09:50

I think given he's attending school, exercising and socialising then he's doing well and there is no need for him to have a job as well, unless he's asking for money to do things. It would be unfair to pay for his phone and gym up til now, and then suddenly take that away from him (unless your financial situation changes). However, if he starts asking for more money for expensive clothes, holidays, etc, this is when you need to tell him to get a job.

PanPacificBallroomChampion · 02/10/2022 09:50

Those helpful posts saying "well I'd just make them get a job/do chores" how exactly would you do that with a defiant teen?

Mum: things need to change, from January I expect you to do xyz and in return I’ll continue to pay £?? for your phone and gym.
DS: That’s so unfair
Mum: You have a choice, you do xyz and you keep your phone and gym or you don’t and I cancel your contract and switch to PAYG and the gym is cancelled so you can go for a run.

Your job is to follow through.

PanPacificBallroomChampion · 02/10/2022 09:52

dottiedodah · 02/10/2022 09:43

He sounds fairly stable ATM.Going to School,not in any trouble .I wouldnt rock the boat ATM .16 is fairly young still .His phone is an essential item ,so is Gym Membership! Unless you have your back to the wall ,I would wait a year or two

Neither a phone or gym membership are essential.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 02/10/2022 09:53

My dd is in Year 12. The school have sent a bulletin saying that year 12 need to concentrate on studies not paid work.