Just a friendly hand hold for any other mums of teens

[Pleasegivemeyourwisdom]

I've 3.

It's a 'journey'.

Just in case anyone wants to know another trying her best mum is thinking of them

I can't tell you how reassuring it is to read this, I've spent the last month feeling like I've totally messed up my daughter's life somewhere along the way, but the more I read through this thread, the more I realise that it's pretty normal! It's so hard though, I feel like I'm on eggshells sometimes!

I'm so glad I found this thread! I was a fairly young mum (20) when DD was born and naively thought that this would mean I'd be able to navigate the teen years well because the memory of my own experiences are still so vivid. But OH NO! DD12 is really difficult at the moment. She's a good kid and not in trouble but her attitude is shocking sometimes. I work full time and I'm on my own, so everything falls to me. She loves to walk into the house and berate me for certain household tasks not being carried out, or there not being enough food, or god forbid I've spent money on myself that she thinks she could find a better purpose for! Apparently I'm controlling because I won't let her have her phone until midnight or ditch the two hobbies she has each week (which cost an arm and a leg, and were started to help her confidence). She's constantly comparing me to her dad & step mum, and regularly tells me how much money they spend on her as opposed to what I do (serious tongue-biting required for this!) It is SO HARD, I feel like I'm dragging myself through the day just to get to bedtime (and that's if she doesn't then decide to unload all of her emotional baggage onto me at 10pm). Massive solidarity and thanks to you all for reassuring me that I'm not alone! If you need me I'll be drinking for the next 7 years! 🍷

So this morning my 14 year old dd has the hump because I dared to get up at the same time as her and try to be of use. I did her lunch box, made her coffee, put the cereal on the table but that remarkable service was met with sighs and attitude because she likes to be by herself in the morning and perhaps I should do her lunchbox the night before so as not to get in her way. Then…I got a ticking off for not writing her sick note for PE (which she does genuinely need as she’s under an orthopaedic surgeon at the moment for some issues). It got done but then she was in one because she needed to poop but the urge conflicted with her leaving the house schedule. Honestly! They’re worse than toddlers sometimes. Just waiting for my 12 year old DS who other than being a bit lazy is remarkably easy, to change overnight.

I feel like I could've written this, please know you're not the only one, it's so tough and I too feel as though I'm going to receive a body-blow at any moment because my DD's emotions are so up and down. She talks to me about everything but I feel like I'm so caught up in her emotional turmoil sometimes, it's really hard to feel a sense of control over my own life

Oh bugger.
dd2 off sick. Had a call from school.
Some nasty cyber bullying going on and they want to check the phones of all the girls in the group.
They asked me to check her phone and it looks OK.
But she has form for going off the deep end when upset, and I am so worried that she may be involved.
Just hoping that as the girl targetted is actually a good friend, then she is not involved.

@steppemum

Hope it is nothing. My dd also runs away from issues and cry's sick too

Hope your dd2 is ok Steppemum and bullying issue is sorted. It’s good that the school are being proactive about it. Sorry you are stressed though.

shmiz and dillydash I really sympathise as I used to feel that way a lot, still do sometimes, it’s very hard keeping your head above water. It will get better though , honestly!

You can’t win as the parent of a teen sometimes Aiaichipsnpie. Too hands on and they get the huff. Too hands off and they get the huff again! 😀

Rosejam I don’t know what the answer is tbh as my dh used to step in and intervene too much too! Still does sometimes! In fact the main thing my dh and I argue about is our different parenting styles.

As for exams, of course you have to intervene sometimes but I think the key is letting them fail early, so that by the time the important exams come around, they know the score and are studying autonomously (easier said than done I know).

In my unprofessional and unqualified opinion, although schools get boys to step up-academically around fourteen and fifteen years, for some it doesn’t really click until a year or two later. Girls usually click around thirteen and fourteen and can start motoring independently from that point onwards. That’s only a very general assessment though.

This thread is such a tonic! I have just started CBT with the main focus being, separating my own feelings from the anxieties and behaviours of my teen. Reading the updates on this thread honestly make me feel so much better about everything! I feel a little more normal and a little less useless!

Can I join too please?
Feel like I am walking on eggshells in my own home all the time. DS14 just pushing boundaries all the time and has become a recluse in his bedroom most of the time. DD13 is stroppy and emotional. DD10 is yet to go through this phase but it is on its way!
Feel like there is nobody to share it with! The hardest phase yet.

😂😂

@steppemum
"If I have to watch another episode of some crappy drama, while not being able to type on my phone as my arm is roudn dd, I will scream"

I can identify with this 😂

Yet again dd has buried head in sand and not complete art course work in time

Aghhhhh. I could scream.

Feeling your pain @HeBeaverandSheBeaver - the self-sabotage is infuriating. I don't know how many times we tell DD doing her schoolwork is for her benefit, no one else's!

I actually came on to pick your collective brains - I know you'll understand...

Longstanding invitation to a fireworks do this weekend. Old friends and we go every year - kids of v similar age who ours get on well with. But DD wants to go to a friend's (not close) birthday party instead. Bit awkward logistically but not insurmountable. So do I just accept that's how it's going right now - or put my foot down? On one hand I'm sick of her always prioritising her friends and I think it's colouring her overall attitutude. On the other hand our friends will be fine and is it worth potential grief.

I do also wonder if allowing her priortise to friends feeds into a cyclical narrative where she can paint herself as being excluded from family stuff (even if she's actually doing that herself). Does that make any sense??

Fireworks - I would let DD go to the friends thing. I’d rather that than have her sulkily attend the fireworks. Very interesting what you say about the narrative though. My DD sometimes talks like this. Doesn’t want to do anything with us, but is unhappy if we do things without her. We generally take the wins where we can and are pleased if she comes willingly. Sometimes we make sure the plan is particularly favourable to her. Non- negotiable on some things e.g. when visiting family (a long way so at least four days), we set expectations like ‘must come to dinner with granny’ but can ‘miss baby second cousin’s party to have fun with favourite cousin’ etc.

PP mentioned CBT and separating emotions. I’m so thankful I’ve been working on this for years already in counselling (not CBT at this point). I think it’s prepared me much better for this stage than I knew. Started as treatment for PND. Still going!

fireworks:
I would let her go with friends.
transfering allegiance from family to peer group is part of the proccess of being a teen. They don't do it very well, so it comes out as clumsy rejection.
I find that by acknowledging their need to be with friends and helping it happen, it actually reflects well on your relationship.
A lot of the narrative about being rejected is a bit of a test to see if you still want her there. So a happy attitude of 'lovely - great that you are coming' when they do come, alongside: 'We missed you tonight, did you have a good time with friends?' helps them know they are wanted but they can make choices.

dd2 and cyber bullying: dd is genuinely sick, and has been on and off for a couple of weeks.
The bullying is from unknown account to one of her friends.

My concern is that dd might have been one of the bullies. She goes off the deep end and does things she shouldn't often without thinking about the effect on others.

I am pretty sure that she isn't involved, but the thought is there at the back of my mind. 😥

Thanks @parrotonmyshoulder and @steppemum - appreciate the advice. I thought I might be bringing my feelings into the decision.

And @steppemum is your gut telling you DD is involved? It sounds like you're still concerned even though the evidence suggests not. Is she talking to you about it?

to be honest, with dd2 it could go either way.
Yes I am still worried she may be involved. The only positive is that because the girl concerned is not only a friend of hers but also someone I used to teach (so we've know the family for a while) so the likelihood of dd being nasty is lower.

and when school ohoned me she hinted that the bullying was violent threats which doesn't sound like her.

Please advise me. Teen dd can be very selfish. She has no concept of how her behaviour can affect others at times

She has an add diagnosis and can't structure homework very well timetable her work loads well etc always getting work in late or last chance saloon type behaviour.

Anyway her brother is in gcse year and she is a level at same school. We love rurally and have a horrible commute. No bus there. Only home.

So far this week she has made her brother late 3 times so today he got really upset and would not go in as he was scared of getting another late.

She doesn't seem to care that she is doing this to him. She blames me for coming upto nag when we are already 2 mins behind and she is still brushing teeth etc.

She doesn't care if I leave her behind either

I can't get it into her that we need to leave earlier.

Please give me some ideas.

My only choices are drop my son at the neighbouring village so he can walk from there and use more petrol. More stress for me. Or she screws up her a levels by skipping lessons if I leave without her.

So stressed.

Oh that is so hard, when they are dependant on you for lifts.

Can you move the leave time?

So instead of leaving at eg 7:50, the new time is that you leave at 7:40.
Invent any reason you like, but that is the time.

So in actual fact you have up to 10 minutes grace.

Has she always been like this? Does she use an alarm clock, or do you wake her?

I've tried that but ultimately it doesn't work as she is not little so won't be fooled by me say I need to leave by??

There is no easy way around the traffic unfortunately

I love this thread. Even if I started it 😂 knowing so many of us are in the same boat definitely makes me feel slightly less weary!

More from school today about poor attitude. How do we tackle it? Minor level now but really worried it'll just get worse. She just doesn't care.

DS has just had a swearathon meltdown. Like a toddler but with language that would make anyone blush!! Full of I hate my life comments and telling me to leave him alone whilst at the same time asking for money to go out for lunch with friends!! If he hates his life now, wonder how he will feel when he is an adult with a sweaty teen himself!

I wish I knew the answer to this too. We can't make them care.