Yeah I totally get that AlwaysSomethingWithTeens . I have experienced the same thing with the withdrawal and the dismissive behaviour and it’s very clear on paper what to do, but really, really difficult, sometimes virtually impossible, to put in to practice in reality.
What I think you and Mumtoteen77 are saying is how do we put in or maintain boundaries without alienating our teens further?
I don’t have an easy answer but yes I definitely think it’s still important to set boundaries but 1. they need to be realistic and 2. you need to choose your battles.
For example, before they left for university, I didn’t get too riled up by teens staying in their rooms a lot and withdrawing from a lot of family life. As long as they joined us for our main family meal on a Sunday and at least two or three dinners mid week. And for one task each involving the dogs. The rest of the time they could live upstairs if they liked. I would cook reasonably healthy food and leave it in bowls in the fridge on the nights they didn’t eat with us,
Obviously we had certain expectations about exercise and getting out to see friends and helping out extended family , which were made clear - and it always helps if you practice what you preach - but generally that’s down to them. ( I was obviously more hands on about these things when my dds were younger teens than now.)
Withdrawing from family life to a bedroom is classic, betwixt and between normal teen behaviour. If you are not confident or mature or skilled enough yet to leave your family and venture out in to the world independently as your hormones are urging you to do …you cut yourself off by venturing in to a safe half way house … your bedroom.
So best not to see it as a rejection of you or take it too personally. It’s just a perfectly normal bid for partial independence and freedom.
I know this is bad but I pretty much gave up asking dds to do regular housework in favour of them sticking to other rules related to communication when they were out. One past example was always letting me know if they would be home for dinner or not, and another was always sending a text between 10.30 pm and 11pm on a week night to let me know where they were and if they were ok to get home by themselves or if they needed me to drive them back before I went to bed.
So my house is a mess which is crap and frustrating and constantly gets me down but I get to sleep at night.
One day I hope my house will be tidy again.
So put in the boundary line but be pragmatic and bargain with them about it. Involve them in the decision, and explain why it’s important.
Try and keep strong emotion out of it and stick to a balanced approach. You want them to study every night. They aren’t doing any study. Try and explain to them why it’s important you meet in the middle but put it in a way that frames your concern eg:
**Just do your arsing homework fhs! ✖️😩
** I’m concerned that you are piling unnecessary pressure on yourself by not studying, how are you feeling about it ✔️😜
^^ Yes I know. Pass the sick bucket. Conversations in rl don’t go like that because emotions kick in and everything gets heated.
However, the advantage of the second approach is that 1. it shifts the responsibility on to them 2. it acknowledges the truth that you can’t force them to study/clear up/come home early 3. they feel your support and interest even if they choose to reject it.
I’ve got probably too wet a parenting style for many, because apart from being slightly less available to run errands or chauffeur them about, I don’t go in much for consequences when they don’t do specific stuff, especially if they do something else helpful instead which sometimes happens.
A lot of things have natural consequences anyway so you don’t need to interfere! The hardest bit is stepping back and letting them fail:
Don’t do your own washing = wear smelly clothes. Don’t get up on time = you are late and get a bollocking from someone else. Don’t take your key = you get locked out. Don’t make your own sandwiches = you go hungry at lunchtime. Spend all of your money = you are broke until allowance day. Don’t study = you fail your exams.
Its a definite (scary) shift in parenting style. You are now the person walking alongside them agreeing that life is tough and difficult and encouraging them to succeed. You are not the person, except in extreme circumstances involving say risky behaviour involving drink
and drugs, imposing rules from on top.
Some teens, especially boys, need help really understanding the potential consequences of failing exams. They might need steering through their future, what do they want to do, what do they enjoy?
For both sexes you can try and facilitate study by setting up
a quiet area for them to work in, being interested and supportive in the background, reward or even bribe in some way but ultimately it’s down to them. Don’t give up or underestimate the value of you just being there though and reminding them about their own hopes and expectations, because at least then you can say you’ve done you’re best for them and they will remember you trying.
Sorry this is another long essay but it’s a complicated subject because getting the balance right between hands off-hands on according to ever-evolving maturity is not easy and I have got parts of it totally wrong. My dds are elsewhere at this very moment probably being frustrated they can’t find stuff and making their flat mates life hell with their mess and wet towels draped everywhere.😌
Btw I think the main reason it’s not easy is bc the maturity levels of an individual teen vary so much within that one adolescent. They may be very confident, skilled and mature in one area and absolutely daft as a brush in another. So it’s very hard to determine when to intervene and how soft your touch should be according to different circumstances and you sometimes only have thirty seconds to make that decision “yes you can get in that car and go to that party” or , with more time for reflection, “yes you can go back packing around Europe with your mates”.