Just a friendly hand hold for any other mums of teens

[Pleasegivemeyourwisdom]

I've 3.

It's a 'journey'.

Just in case anyone wants to know another trying her best mum is thinking of them

My teens are fine…as long as they can do what they want, be independent and I don’t criticise them. Otherwise… all hell breaks loose.
They want to tell us when they want to be parented. It is a control shift.
So I have learnt not to react. Sometimes I just put my noise cancelling earphones on and listen to something meditative. I am there to provide help and advice when they ask for it. Thankfully they are doing well at school etc so it works.

One of my DD’s also went through a phase of befriending only kids with serious problems. She professed that she wants to be a psychiatrist so I guess she thought she was practising. When it all got a bit too dark and scary she backed off though.

Oh yes.
So many of dds friends are really in a really bad way with mental health.

One evening she came to see me with a photo of the arm of a friend who had self harmed. Really sliced their arm badly. It was shocking.
Fortunately she allowed me to step in, I contacted parents, and I had made it clear to all of them (other child and parents) that this was too much for my 13 yera old, and if the child needed this much support, then we would be calling parents/medical help every single time, and dd would not be the one to support through the crisis.

But it was really awful. My goddaughter had this too. Bigsupport system for all her friends. Then one tried to committ suicide the night before their English GCSE. Not surprisingly my goddaughter didn't pass.😥

Wow, tough parenting day today.

DD is in therapy for her anxiety and it’s turned into family therapy so it’s so draining. She’s struggling with the big feelings and I’m struggling to get the balance right between helping/fixing and letting her resolve it but it currently involves me acknowledging her feelings and putting up with the shouting and stressing.

Then DS lost his temper this afternoon after a day of niggling aggro and threw his phone against the wall. Talk about natural consequences. It’s fucked but now we have the issue he doesn’t have his bus pass for college (on an app). And then he sobbed for 20 minutes while I cuddled him and talked about how lonely he is and that’s why he’s not going out because he has no friends.

i really need a grown up. I don’t think I’ve got the hang of it…:

I’ve very little wisdom I’m afraid. Just a little handhold.

Im surfing the teenage waves with 3 teens in this house. Well, often under them!

So sorry, that’s such a tough day. I’m
afraid I’m not feeling like a grown up either.

My DS is also in therapy for anxiety. Can I ask what prompted the change to family therapy? Did your DD ask for it, or did the therapist suggest it?

my DD13 is also in therapy and i'm currently trying to get her an appointment with a psychiatrist but it's so difficult.
there's only the 2 of us so i'm having to bear the brunt of everything. the anxiety. the many many tears, the school refusal, the complete lack of a sense of humour , the time spent reassuring her the time spent cajoling to try and get her to do anything. it's never ending. I have chronic daily migraine, painful arthritis, need a hip replacement. Also have a very full on job. i'm absolutely exhausted at the end of every day and then have to devote my time to DD.
She started a new school Monday and then refused to go back. it was supposed to be geared towards her needs and she's been off school since March. she told me Tuesday she'd rather die than go back to school. she 's not prone to exaggeration and that really scared me.
honestly don't know how much more i can take.
sorry for the pity party.

Oh StarCourt you sound exhausted, so sorry, that does sound hard. I have no words of wisdom for you I’m
afraid. My DS has missed a lot of school. So many families have kids in crisis, we’re not alone but it can feel so lonely.

Are you able to be honest with her about how you’re feeling, and what your needs are? Does she contribute by helping with cooking and other jobs around the house or is that unrealistic?

@EmmaCB1 I don't really want to put that on her. she's dealing with so much stuff about and due to her dad that i can't add to that.
i don't want to give her any guilt about things affecting me as she already has so much about her dad. we used to have 60/40 shared care but she told me 18 months ago she didn't want to go there anymore. gave her reasons and a lot of stuff came out about his behaviour towards her and the situations he'd put her in. since then he's tried to guilt trip her, he's blamed me for all of it, he's accosted her on the way home from school, he texts her constantly he forced his way into
our home to talk to herand loads more.
i need her to know that i'm always here. she's safe, she can vent and I'll still always love her.

@EmmaCB1 as she’s 12 there was always a parent there but the therapist asked for both of us to be there as it was the family dynamic that was important. It technically is still her therapy session but it’s brought up some of the dynamic between me and DH which is hard, not only because I’m being very careful what I’m saying in front of DD. A lot of the emotional load comes onto me and it feels like DH has labelled it ‘my’ problem and therefore not his business to change.

@StarCourt that’s even harder when you don’t have another grown up to help with your DD, your ex is part of the problem. I hope you can get some more help soon. Do you have any family or friends who spend some time with DD to give you a break?

@Mercedes519 she gets on really well with one of my sisters and will stay there for a few hours with her but it means a 90
minute round trip for me to
take her there and then another 90 minute trip to go and fetch her 3 hrs later!

How do you find motivating your teenager to do work ?

Nagging or leave to it approach

Dd has a tendency to leave stuff to the last minute. Then panic and will sometimes refuse to go to school on a day if she is behind.

It mostly happens with Art as she is doing A level

Me nagging seems to just make her dig in even more and make our relationship strained so I'm now trying to stay out of it.

What's your approach? So hard.

@HeBeaverandSheBeaver this is definitely the think I struggle with most with my teens. Actually one of them is emerging from this fog a bit but the other seems to get overwhelmed and almost shut down. It isn’t laziness and it isn’t a lack of ability. I’m with you. So hard.

@lechatnoir Reading this just brought me to tears as it hit home with every word you said! And I was feeling guilty and asking God to forgive me for saying to myself I don’t like my DS right now. He turns 17 next month and every day is just a battle. Who knew someone could want to oppose everything you say even when their absolutely nothing to oppose. It’s exhausting. I think why am I public enemy number 1 and I miss my son too. We used to be so close and now I just feel like I don’t know him anymore. I’m trying to embrace these teenage years but God I hate it!!

@HeBeaverandSheBeaver
Mine is younger in year 9. I don’t nag. She would flounce or shut down if I did. But partly the reason is because I can barely keep on top of my own workload/ chores/ life without having to manage her homework too.
But I do ask, every day, what she’s going to do. DH and I will help, if she comes to the kitchen table (rare if younger brother is around but does sometimes for maths and science or if it’s just me and her in the house). We also talk a lot (when she’s in the mood!), on walks usually, about the current projects/ books/ topics, so I think she processes the thinking before putting pen to paper.
She’s highly dyslexic and primary school, especially homework, was a struggle. Learnt a fair degree of independence during lockdown learning. Still, she is younger than yours and perhaps the worst is yet to come in terms of motivation. Saying that, she moved schools this year to one with termly exams that she’d never experienced before. Had a bit of a surprise that they were taken so seriously in the summer, so is more revision focused this term!

Lots of sympathy and hand holds to those struggling with teen mental health.

One thing I have realised over the last 3 years is how much my dds mental health effects my own.
Somehow worrying about them as teen is so much harder than worrying about them as little kids.

dd2 was very unwell for about 18 months as a toddler, but worrying about her teen mental health is so much worse. I guess the stakes are so much higher aren't they?

dd2s birthday today. 15!!!
can't believe it.

My 15 year old DS has been a bit shady of late - I've found weed before so it set my intuition running. After he'd left for school I did a bit of a search and my suspicions were confirmed. Any advice? I haven't messaged him or anything yet, wanting to mull it over but I am desperately worried and sitting trying not to cry at work. Please help if you can. TIA

I would give him the chance to fess up Tell him you have heard some rumours and that telling the truth is the best outcome.

My dd hid vodka in her room and denied it. I told her that I'm ok for her to drink if she is open about it and not to his stuff.

But she is nearly 17 and weeds is different to alcohol. You gave my sympathy. Stay strong.

Hide stuff. Stupid autocorrect

@shrumps my son is 17 next month and although I have never caught him smoking weed I knew he had. Call it mothers intuition. I have caught him vaping on more than one occasion and have got really angry mostly because I’ve warned him that I do not want him doing it in the house or bringing illegal substances into our house but it is an epidemic among young children atm which I find really difficult to get my head around! I have sat my son down and had an open full on frank conversation about smoking weed (which he has admitted to doing) but says it’s not often but I don’t 💯 believe that and told him I expect openness. It’s a really hard one because what can you do? You can’t be with them 24/7 and you can search and lecture and punish etc but they will still find a way if they want to. All you can do is be open with him and tell him what you know and give him a chance to explain why he’s doing it. I suspect he’ll be like my son and many other young people and don’t really know why but all you can do as a parent is equip them with the knowledge on the risks and set firm boundaries for them and yourself and keep having those open conversations and hope they grow out of it

Oh God the poor child must have been in an awful state to try and do that. Mental health among teens is so bad these days so your daughter should to be praised and commended for trying to help. It really is awful dealing with a teenager with mental helath issues. I am sure the other kids parents were aware of this. You are so lucky your teenager doesn't suffer with them.

Thank you for replying to me - I had a chat with him after school/work and he was angry/upset at me prying (I gave him the chance to confess first but he lied, as I expected he would)

I confiscated and threw away the weed and did let him go out but gave an early curfew which he stuck to and checked he was ok when he got in. It is all such a worry and I just hope he grows out of it and gets through this last year of school and into the sixth form college he wants to go to and gets some new friends.

I swear the teenage years are the biggest parenting challenge I've ever faced.

Well done @shrumps

It's a hard day but that fact he came home in time at least shows some level of remorse.

So glad I found this thread. Had an unexpected phone call from school today, DS who is 16 told tutor how low he was feeling, he spent two hours with the school counsellor and deputy head, they got him to ring the doctors, they then called me.
Hell of a shock.
He went into the GP appointment on his own, came out and told me had been referred to CAHMs??
Sitting here feeling guilty, overwhelmed and just sad at thought he couldn’t speak to me.

He says he can’t explain what’s going on just that he feels low and lethargic, and when he told his tutor and GP they said it wasn’t normal to feel like that.

Guessing he told them more than he is telling me.

I just don’t know what to do

@shrumps I agree with @HeBeaverandSheBeaver, I think the fact he came back on time shows some remorse so that's good!

Is there any family member/ some inspirational adult he looks up to?
You can ask someone you think can inspire your son to bring him for a walk and a chat and talk to him about what he is doing and give advise. To ask him where he sees himself in 5 year's time etc. Teenage kids tend to listen to young people they like and can identify with. Someone in his 20s or 30s, someone he can connect with. Just an idea.
You are doing well. Best of luck.