Just a friendly hand hold for any other mums of teens

[Pleasegivemeyourwisdom]

I've 3.

It's a 'journey'.

Just in case anyone wants to know another trying her best mum is thinking of them

@shmiz

This was my life two years ago. Still is in a small way

Hang in there

Encourage her to change friendship groups if she can. And if it is a serious issue. I know that's hard for girls.

But it's the best thing my dd did for herself.

We still have school refusal tho. And you can't drag a sixth former into school.

Does anyone have violence from their teen dd?I am broken by mine. She has had a good childhood but things started going wrong at 14 and there was a abusive relationship with a boy. She is under Cahms level 3 but we still don’t have an appointment- I think she is desperately unhappy but still hangs around with boys that are absolutely no good for her.
Myself and her dad are desperate to help her but she sees us as the enemy and advice from us falls on deaf ears. I think we will have to call the police on her violence but it is so difficult as she will get a criminal record and then her mental health would get worse as she would have nothing to lose. I have never felt so powerless.

The very existence of this thread gave me strength today. Flowers to all the ladies. Thinking of you all.

@wishmyhousetidy I’m so sorry that you’re in such a desperate situation. Some of what you describe is familiar to me. My eldest is also very emotionally dysregulated. Gets angry extremely quickly and often hits herself in frustration. She doesn’t initiate physical aggression too often but she can square up sometimes or be physical like lashing out on the rare occasion and has sometimes screamed in my face.
Anyway, I am responding to you because I have read on a few threads here before where the OP had useful interventions such as:

• meditation and family counselling from organisations like Cyrenians (possibly not UK wide) or similar youth organisations that can help. Consider calling Parentlinenfor some support for yourself. Or obtaining some counselling for yourself (sometimes available via GP referral) where you get to offload and speak about your needs and concerns.
• help from social work - in some very severe cases of dangerous and abusive behaviour at home it became a safeguarding issue where for example the younger sibling to be protected and the older sibling moved to a supported residential accommodation where trained MH and youths workers were able to help them stabilise partly by virtue of the fact that they simply weren’t living with their parents anymore.

I know the last suggestion sounds very drastic, but in the cases of the mothers who had posted, they were at their wits end, with no other feasible options where everyone could be safe. Sending you huge hugs and support. Please start with a GP appt for yourself, where maybe you could begin to explore these options. X

Thank you very much for your advice. We have been under social services as our daughter was sexually assaulted by a boy and with help form a charity things were better for a year and social services were v good. But we believe there is an underlying mental health issue that is behind a lot of the behaviour and Cahms think too early to tell but could be bipolar, it is certainly l emotional deregulation . She is very bright and it is heart breaking to see her deteriorate into someone who hates herself and is actually self destructing. The violence is aimed against me mainly and it is so strange that up until 14 we were a normal family. But thank you again, I have spoken to Young Lives Parentline but I think as you said maybe i need to go back to Gp to get support for me so i can support her.

Not looking forward to tomorrow morning. DS(16) never gets up for college. He hangs around the college but doesn't go to lessons. As an alternative, I recently put him on a traineeship but he decided he doesn't like it and won't go.

The refusal to do things they should or could be doing is exhausting isn’t it. We really can’t make them.

Sure, it doesn’t matter if they don’t get the grades / finish the course at this point, I mean there are worse things. But at the same time life will be more straight forward and dare I say easier, if they do.

My DS is in y11 and keeps adjusting his goals and is pretty much just aiming for a few passes at the point. He’s capable of so much more but just CBA. It’s so depressing.

Maybe everything will work out. But I feel pretty helpless as his mum to do anything to contribute to that other than feed him and keep him safe.

Maybe your DS will surprise you tomorrow @fizzypop100 All we can do is hope I guess.

Hi.
I am so saddened by the list of families struggling on here, with so little support.
I have just had a week at a conference. I work supporting families (Oh the irony) and so the conference was about that. Which means that it was a lot of caring people together with seminars about this topic.
What I actually found was that as the week went on I was more and more coming to realise how broken I am by the last 5 years. We have had a lot of things go through with our teens including a lot around gender issues, and I feel massivley as if I have failed as a parent. I sat in one seminar about caring for the caregivers that I have not done any of the things that I usually do for relaxation (gardening, craft etc etc) I have not done any of those for months and months.
I can't. I feel as if all my creativity and emotional connection are rammed into a closed box, in order to not have to deal with the huge pain of the emotions sitting in there.

I had some good talks with some colleagues who I know well. But I have come home just wondering what do I do now?
Really didn't want ot come home. I fel burntout, but not by my job, by my family. I need a sabbatical from my family.😔

I’m loathing it these day - I have a very abusive ADHD 15 Year old DS and a rude, selfish, hateful 17 year old DD, just me and them which is how it’s always been - I was always close to my DD, but these days not a tiny bit, today - for the first time ever I locked myself out of the house and had to ask my boyfriend to drive a pick up her house keys from her at school, oh wow, she was so enraged when she got home as she lost 2 mins of an important lesson. One tiny little event in all the teenage abuse that seems to come my way - bloody sick to death of living with them. SICK OF IT!!!!!

good morning all

I am dreading this evening! My DD16 has completely lost any sense of logic and tells me she has no time to do her art homework again. I can check her screen time but generally don’t because before this year she balanced things quite well. I checked and found she had spent 4 1/2 hours on TikTok on Sunday and all night on Monday on Snapchat even though she had school the next day. Now I’m going to have to talk to her and most likely impose some restrictions which is disheartening and will end in a lot of screaming but I don’t see what else I can do? She’s in yr11. She will be absolutely full of righteous rage and it’s going to be horrible but there’s no way she has no time for homework but time for 4.5 hrs if TikTok. DD14 has restrictions on her phone for this reason and she supports this as she knows she can’t stop once she starts.

this evening will be fun!

@Bigbus

Did I get up I the night and write this.

This is my exact life! Lol. Except dd is year 12 and doing art a level. Good help
Me.

@HeBeaverandSheBeaver its a nightmare. Apparently it won’t make any difference if she takes 5 mins or 3 hours to do the work!

@Bigbus - during the teenagehood of DC1 we just developed the Wi-Fi off after 10pm-6.30am habit. First Month DC1 burnt through all their data… after that learnt quickly. The rest of them all also have screen time timing restrictions until end of Year 11.
It is actually a friend who teaches in a boarding school who suggested that is how they do it initially.
I just think these apps are all so addictive and harmful to all of us and a distraction. It is really hard to find a balance, especially for a teen hoping to keep up with friends/boyfriends.

we had phones downstairs on charge overnight until they were 15.
In the monthsbefore turning 15 they could have them upstairs sometimes eg holidays an dprove that they could switch off and go to sleep.
Then once they could do that and turned 15 they had them in their rooms. I would have liked to hold out until 16/17, but I also realised that they need to learn this habit before they leave home, and (being honest) we eventually gave in to our oldest's pleas.
One thing they wnat is their phones to listen to music and dd2 relies on music to get off to sleep. I did at the same age so I get it.
But it is conditional, if they are on their phones at 1 am then it goes back to charging downstairs overnight.

This thread is just so therapeutic.

My DS17 refused to study for a test and I said if he didn't want to then okay, but it wouldn't then be appropriate to play computer games. So he went off in a huff to sleep. At 8pm.

It makes me so upset that he can't think of anything at all to do that's not on a screen.

@parrotonmyshoulder no need to apologise, in fact thank you. Thank you for making me feel like I am not alone feeling exactly like this. My DS1, 16, also send me strings of manipulative texts. I’m tired of being calm and thoughtful and understanding. Last night he decided he was going to leave home in the middle of the night and I broke two fingers trying to stop him climbing the garden wall. I just feel miserable and sick of it all. It’s been years.

Solidarity with @melchim and @ThuMuClu. Broken fingers are way more than I've had to deal with. Hope you're ok.

It just all makes me so sad. DD can still be her sweet old self. But her attitude to school and homework is so poor. She's only year 8, so no crunch exams or anything. And I suppose that's why she thinks it doesn't matter. But she's potentially being moved down sets in a key subject and doesn't care. I wouldn't if her attitude was better. Just worry it's setting the pattern for the rest of school.

What works? Keeping on at them to do the work? Or leaving them to it and hoping they work it out for themselves?

@AlwaysSomethingWithTeens
I no luck thing that worked for me with dd was to get a tutor in subjects she was struggling in One was a sixth form student so wasn't too expensive. It got her through her GCSEs as enforced revision and she behaves and listens for others. Now in A levels and I'm prodding but basically it's now upto her. Cant afford tutors for A level and her brother needs them money spent on his gcse years.

Realise this may not be an. Option for all tho.

@AlwaysSomethingWithTeens that is the crucial question! Leave them or push them… let me know if you find out the answer! I twist and turn on that depending on the day…:

I’ve found my people.

I’ve got a 14, 13 and 10 year old. The 13 and 10 year old both have autism and the youngest is profoundly autistic. The 14 year old is snarky, rude and difficult. This evening she’s asked for pasta doing whilst she dries her hair, I’ve done her pasta and said I’d also put some on for her middle sister as well. Que muttering and eye rolling. 13 year old has coming slamming up the stairs after her dad asked her to move her feet.

The exhaustion of caring for two children with high needs special needs kids, a full time job, a needy elderly mother and bloody annoying teens is exhausting.

Leave them or push them - thing is they have to want to push themselves.
I find mine do not really listen to us parents, but do copy each other. And they listen to various other adults that they respect, so family friends, uncles and aunts, that kind of thing, sometimes an inspirational teacher.
The biggest bribery came from a grandmother when one DC stopped working - she promised her a trip to Prague in return for an outstanding school report. I realise not every DC wants to go to Prague with a gran - but this DC was essentially always motivated and academic and had just had a blip due to falling in with the cool kids. I really think the village raises a child kind of thing can really help when they are teens if you know anyone who is a good influence and willing to be a mentor for a bit. Let’s say they have an interest or a talent and speaking to a person in that field who they respect can really help.

May I join in for some solidarity?! Hello fellow teenager owners! Older DD now 21, younger DD is 12 so just about to go over the parapet. In no particular order we've had (multiples of all examples) attempted suicides, truancy, depression, alcohol/substance abuse, an autism diagnosis, running away/going missing/being looked for by a police helicopter or dogs, multiple overdoses and self harm - that's just the older one, younger one was diagnosed and hospitalised with anorexia for a month this year.... What a ride it has been, but I want to get off, I think I have PTSD. We are literally the most boring parents ever, zero family trauma to have caused it!

a couple of things my mum told me which I have slowly realised are true.

1. the important stuff that you give them, love stability, compassion, boundaries etc etc will go completely unnoticed and unappreciated until they are about 30! But they are the most important, so don't give up.
2. they appear not to listen to you, but sometimes you need to say it and then leave it, and some of it sinks in. You may even hear it said back to you as if it was their idea. Often they know we are right, but they cannot lose face by agreeing, so just say the sensible wise thing and then leave it, change the subject.

Sometimes on threads like this you can feel that others have it so much worse, so we shouldn't feel as bad about ours. But one of my friends said to me that we must be careful that we don't get into teenage top trumps. In other words, it is ok to feel what you feel even if others have it worse.

Really fed up today

I have. Horrible cold and working

Dd didn't go in Has geniune stomach issues but her attendance is shocking.

Ds isn't much better and also didn't go in after driving him to school and him feeling sick so came home.

So fed up with this ride. I want to get off.

Eugh.

why is it sooooo blooody hard.

im a so called professional in one sense (work), then a complete novice at home. Self esteem in boots!