DD refusing to get out of bed in time for school

ZeroFuchsGiven · 14/09/2022 08:19

We have never ever led her to believe that you can just stay off school - I am completely stuck, I don't know what to do

That is EXACTLY what you have done the last 2 days

Original poster

Nyx · 14/09/2022 08:24

Do you think I've just sat back? I've been matter of fact, angry, cajoled. I've taken her phone off her, given her no money. DH is in there now trying to make her see sense.

What do you suggest?

OP posts:

romdowa · 14/09/2022 08:26

A big long list of jobs around the house that need doing should motivate her. Tell her she has a choice school or housework.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 14/09/2022 08:27

How old is she?

What are you telling the school why she's off?

Turquoisesea · 14/09/2022 08:28

How old is she? Do you think there is something else going on at school, being bullied maybe? There must be a reason why she suddenly doesn’t want to go in if it’s out of character for her.

Original poster

Nyx · 14/09/2022 08:33

She is 16, in 5th year. I don't think she's being bullied, no. She is refusing to do anything at all round the house. She won't even take the dog out for a walk. That is because I'm refusing to give her phone back (but also because she is stubborn and lazy and entitled). Yesterday I marked her off sick but today I will speak to someone in the office and explain the situation. I don't know what they will do.

OP posts:

Lookingformymarbles · 14/09/2022 08:34

I second what @Turquoisesea says, there may be something else in play here especially if this is out of character.

Try and have a chat with her if she's amenable, I'd also contact the school pastoral team to let them know the situation, they may have more of an idea if something is wrong. In the school I worked at we'd try and have a meeting with the student (with or without parent) to sort it out.

Finally, I'd be taking away all privileges!

Beinggood2 · 14/09/2022 08:39

Nyx · 14/09/2022 08:17

I am completely at a loss. She has never particularly liked school but neither did she hate it. But yesterday she refused to get out of bed, said she hadn't slept and was too tired. She's too big for me to wrestle her out of bed! So she stayed off.

I said I don't want this happening again. I took her phone off her yesterday and had it overnight (basically so she wouldn't be up all night scrolling on it) but this morning, although she slept, she didn't get out of bed again. She said because she was too late to have a shower before going in, she's not going in.

We have never ever led her to believe that you can just stay off school - I am completely stuck, I don't know what to do.

Do I phone the school and explain the situation? What will they do? I'm in Scotland. I hate this.

Is she depressed?

ZeroFuchsGiven · 14/09/2022 08:43

Nyx · 14/09/2022 08:24

Do you think I've just sat back? I've been matter of fact, angry, cajoled. I've taken her phone off her, given her no money. DH is in there now trying to make her see sense.

What do you suggest?

My suggestions would not go down well on MN but I wouldnt stand for that crap.

sidewayswalking · 14/09/2022 08:43

I wouldn't punish her, there is clearly something wrong.

Hellocatshome · 14/09/2022 08:47

If she didn't get out of bed all yesterday without her phone etc to entertain her do you think she might be depressed? When depression hits me I would easily spend all day and night in bed without any entertsinment/distraction just literally staring at the wall.

MissingNashville · 14/09/2022 08:49

I agree with many of the others, something else is going on. A fall out with a friend, bullying, struggling with work, anxiety, relationship break up maybe? A nice breakfast, cup of tea, tell her you love her and see if she’ll confide in you.

If not, contact the pastoral team for advice. Let her know you’re doing that because you have no option and need help.

Original poster

Nyx · 14/09/2022 09:08

Thank you all. I have wondered about depression - mainly because of the fact that it seems to be so difficult for her to get out of bed.

The thing is, even though she's an only child, she has never been open with us. She will speak to me now and then, if we're in the car, for example; but even when she was tiny and going to nursery, she would never sit and chat about her day or what she was feeling or anything. She'll answer questions but not volunteer anything.

The 'teenage-I-can't-stand-my-parents' thing has been strong since it started. As far as I can see she doesn't think much of us at all. I'm hurt but try not to make a big deal of it. She's told me this morning she won't speak to me or dad because we've taken her phone and yelled at her and she needs her phone to talk to the people she does want to speak to, ie. her friends. I've told her I hardly ever take her phone off her but had to do it yesterday as she didn't go to school, and now I don't want to give her the phone so she can sit in her room on the phone all day.

I don't know if my phoning the school will make it worse - she really is horribly stubborn. She is saying that she will go in tomorrow and I'm not to speak to the pastoral care team because she doesn't like her pastoral care teacher.

OP posts:

Blanketpolicy · 14/09/2022 09:08

Get her up and in the shower. Preferrably then into school so she doesnt miss the whole day again.

If she still wont go in and this is really out of character insist she tells you what is going on. Tell her if you dont know you cant help her fix it. Ask her if there is any other adult she prefers to talk about it. Something may have happened and she is too embarrassed to go to school, but hiding at home is not an option, especially in S5.

Original poster

Nyx · 14/09/2022 09:09

I went in and asked if she was ok, is there anything she wants to tell me about, I'm ready to listen. She's just snarky in return because we've got her phone.

OP posts:

HailAdrian · 14/09/2022 09:12

My daughter started doing this after covid. She also had/has an anxiety disorder and is under CAMHS. I don't know why it's so difficult for people to understand that when your teenager doesn't want to do something, you cannot physically make them.

Goldenbrowns · 14/09/2022 09:15

Oh no I really feel for you. My dd has done similar a couple of times.
stay strong with the phone. Treat her as if she is ill so she stays in bed apart from washing and eating.
you may find she has a big sleep and wakes up refreshed and a bit more amenable.
is she due on? Hormones can be horrible.

Ducksurprise · 14/09/2022 09:17

ZeroFuchsGiven · 14/09/2022 08:43

My suggestions would not go down well on MN but I wouldnt stand for that crap.

Show quote history

So what exactly would you do to a 16 year old?

Original poster

Nyx · 14/09/2022 09:17

HailAdrian · 14/09/2022 09:12

My daughter started doing this after covid. She also had/has an anxiety disorder and is under CAMHS. I don't know why it's so difficult for people to understand that when your teenager doesn't want to do something, you cannot physically make them.

Thank you. I'm struggling here. I don't know what to do. She's now saying that if I give her the phone today, she'll go in tomorrow. I'm not stupid. I've not given it to her.

I've told her she can speak to me, or her dad, or a doctor, a teacher; she's just saying she needs to speak to her friends so give her the phone. I've said she'll get to speak to her friends when she gets dressed and goes to school. She's saying if I don't give her the phone today then she's not going to school tomorrow either.

I am reluctant to phone the school and speak to the pastoral care team. She is so against me doing that. But I don't see any other option.

OP posts:

Goldenbrowns · 14/09/2022 09:18

Also, with my dd, once she was late she was really worried about going in and having to walk in late to a lesson etc. so letting her wait and go in at break or lunch was more effective than trying to force her in asap.
i appreciate this sounds like I am a pushover but as others have said you can’t physically force them and once the phone and money have been stopped there’s very little bargaining power available if they really don’t want to do something.

Original poster

Nyx · 14/09/2022 09:18

Goldenbrowns · 14/09/2022 09:15

Oh no I really feel for you. My dd has done similar a couple of times.
stay strong with the phone. Treat her as if she is ill so she stays in bed apart from washing and eating.
you may find she has a big sleep and wakes up refreshed and a bit more amenable.
is she due on? Hormones can be horrible.

Thank you. This is how we dealt with it yesterday. I'm so stressed that she is doing the same today.

OP posts:

Cleothecat75 · 14/09/2022 09:21

I find it funny how posters are saying you have to get her up and ready for school! I have no idea how they expect you to wrestle an unwilling 16 year old out of bed and get them dressed and in the car to school. She is likely the same size as you and just as strong. Obviously those suggesting you ‘get her up and in the shower’ have never experienced this.

there will be a reason she isn’t wanting to go in. Anxiety, depression, undiagnosed SEN, unmet needs, bullying. It’s really tricky if you don’t know the reason, she might not know the reason herself, or may not be able to put it in to words how she is feeling. Know that you are not on your own with this and there are thousands of other parents up and down the country who are in the same boat. You do need to speak to school though. I’d maybe ask school for the details of their Educational Welfare Officer and be proactive with them about how to resolve the situation. Ours is brilliant and has been really supportive of our situation. If you think there is any anxiety or depression it might be worth talking to the GP too.

Goldenbrowns · 14/09/2022 09:24

Well she can’t speak to them until after school anyway as they won’t be available.

possibly if she got dressed, did as much homework and studying as she could at home and sorted out her attitude she could have access to the phone later on for a short time? You know her best. If it’s a blip then maybe a small capitulation could smooth things over and she’ll go as normal tomorrow.
if there’s something else going on I do think you need to speak to the school so you can say that you will definitely do that if she carries on

Original poster

Nyx · 14/09/2022 09:24

Thank you. I'm about to call the school now. I know that this will make it worse when she finds out I've done so though.

OP posts:

Mrstumbletap · 14/09/2022 09:25

It sounds to me she it a bit obsessed with her phone. Have you gone through it?

I don't care what other mumsnetter say about privacy etc blah blah, I work in a secondary school and the amount of safeguarding I deal with would mean a child's safety would trump their privacy.

If she won't help out around the house, won't walk the dog etc it doesn't sound like this is a sudden change and is a bit entitled anyway. Does she have any responsibility? She should be looking for a job soon and will need to contribute and live in the real world. In 2 years she will be 18 and a young adult.

If it were me personally I wouldn't be giving her phone back any time soon, and she would seriously need to step up around the house and start helping. I take she is coming out of her room to eat breakfast/lunch/dinner? What conversation happened around the dinner table last night?