DD refusing to get out of bed in time for school

[Nyx]

I am completely at a loss. She has never particularly liked school but neither did she hate it. But yesterday she refused to get out of bed, said she hadn't slept and was too tired. She's too big for me to wrestle her out of bed! So she stayed off.

I said I don't want this happening again. I took her phone off her yesterday and had it overnight (basically so she wouldn't be up all night scrolling on it) but this morning, although she slept, she didn't get out of bed again. She said because she was too late to have a shower before going in, she's not going in.

We have never ever led her to believe that you can just stay off school - I am completely stuck, I don't know what to do.

Do I phone the school and explain the situation? What will they do? I'm in Scotland. I hate this.

What do you mean end of. She is 16 ffs how exactly are you going to insist end of?

You can’t force her to go in despite what everyone whose not been in this situation is saying.

it’s not your parenting.

big hug

My mother parented us the way Blomonge does her children. We held onto years of resentment...but yes, I was very obedient at the time. Not one of her children is in contact with her anymore. We all make our own parenting choices.

OP, seems like you're doing everything you can. Do hold the line (excuse the pun) on the phone thing. If she can't explain why she needs it except just talking to her friends, she doesn't get it back.

Maybe try to remember that the kids who act up are those that need extra attention/love. All you can do is be open to talking with her and request as much outside help as you can. At the end of the day, it is her future she is impacting, not yours. You can advise her until you're blue in the face how it may affect her but at the end of the day, she is a person in her own right. She has her choice not to go to school and you have your choice to keep requesting help from the school/GP and not to yield to requests for expensive phones which you have to pay for. If she wants autonomy, she has to accept that you have the same.

Totally agree with this, it is a great group.

For all those saying.....JUST MAKE HER GO IN. Do you honestly think it is that easy? To wrestle a teenager the same size as you or bigger, poke them with the end of a broom into the shower and then out the door to school? Ohhhhh how things can change on the turn of a dice. One minute you have a child who willingly goes to school every day and then you have a child who just refuses and I mean REFUSES to get up and go. No amount of grounding, punishing, cajoling, screaming, shouting, begging or physically trying to move them works.
Blomonge, the fact your kids are shitting of you demonstrates how good your parenting skills are. As soon as they are old enough you won't see them for dust. In the meantime enjoy your Mommie Dearest days because they are numbered.

OP I would honestly give her back her phone, no point cutting her off from her friends and the outside world, I have tried that and it just made things worse. BUT we got through it and came out the other side. Turns out my daughter was struggling with anxiety, especially around school and we worked together with the school to combat it. She ended up doing really well in her exams but it really could have gone the other way had I done a Blomage on it, most likely she would not be still with us.

@sidewayswalking

You said I was :
"Clueless. On many fronts."

But I had offered every single option I could think of. Being loving and caring and supportive and also possibly doing nothing and then gently pushing and then pushing harder.

and involving other health professionals and GP and considering every mental health / anxiety / depression / ASD etc option I could possibly think of.

and then I didn't know what else to do. other than gently insist, once OP had offered all those options maybe it was best to say that dd just needed to go because op had no other option is left / nothing left to offer.

We can't just leave dd on bed. Indefinitely.

I asked You what You were suggesting?

As an alternative to my proposals. Seeing as I 'don't have a clue'?

Go through her phone OP! Do you have the password? It's probably a boy issue

Did you come back at me because I chose not to respond?

It's called taking a step back and not getting caught up in a pointless discussion.

@deedledeedledum

ODFOD

"Beat the living daylights out of her? What actually do you suggest. Drag her by the feet (if the OP is even physically able)? "

No. I've never said anything of the sort.

But see my previous post to sideways.
I've offered every single suggestion I can. She can't just be left in bed, indefinitely.

What are You suggesting? As an alternative?

OP has already said she's happy at school. No bullying. No ASD or ADHD.

That's what my mum would have said about my sister and I!

These conditions are massively under-diagnosed in females because the presentation is less obvious.

My sister and I were both academically very able, had good communication skills, were not trouble-makers. It is very very common for able girls to start showing signs of neuro-diversity once the ante is upped academically and with the increase in the need for independent study, either with sixth form or university.

Probably best that OP rings GP anyway. To get advice, get the situation logged.

I have no idea what the problem is. But you can't just leave someone in bed.

If OP had thought it was possibly ASD or depression we all could have offered good advice and directed her to the SN boards for support, for example.

Or if not, made other helpful suggestions at least. I just can't see that doing nothing is the best solution,

Hmm tough one. I didn’t go to school in year 11 either. Completely checked out. It was easier back then to skive off though as my mum did long nursing shifts and I was able to write my own notes and fool the wag lady 🤦‍♀️. I also went in on the odd day to keep up appearances but I realise it’s not like that now.

I probably have got undiagnosed ADHD reflecting back on my life. Everything has been great…. But unconventional. I got a first class degree via the OU and my career is a niche etc. Struggle hugely with motivation and I am still massively scatter brained but on the whole I’m happy because I live life totally on my own terms.

Sorry not sure what to suggest really. If she is as stubborn and as bright as what I was at that age then you’re going to need all the luck in the world to get her back to school. Good luck!!

This is the post that tells me you have no idea, and that is a really good place to be, what you have written makes perfect sense, it is what most of us thought was the answer when it first started. Encourage, insist, make and then you find out you can't do any of those things.

So then you think doctor, but you can't get an appointment and when you do there is nothing they can do. You won't even get referred to CAMHS let alone put on the waiting list, not getting out of bed means they are safe, they have a family that cares so you are left to it.

You can not make a teenager do anything and the more you punish, force, cajole the worse it normally gets. The reality there are no answers, talking and sharing ideas helps and you have everything crossed that something works but it is hard.

However Blomage you are abusive, and very naive.

@Ducksurprise

I think you'd be surprised. Admittedly neither of mine were school refusers. But I've had more experience than most with just about every other agency and area there is.

I wouldn't want anyone, to ever go though a 1/10th of what I did, for well over 9 years.

This may go against the grain here but I don't think this sounds like ASD/struggling with school work/bullying/depression.

Have you considered that at her age, something might have happened in her friendship group/with a boyfriend/girlfriend that is making her want to avoid school?
Remember when you were 16 these things were "the end of the world"
It would explain why she's so keen for her phone to see what's being said about her/whatever has happened.

With my ds I have tried the following technique to get them to talk. Just pretend you already know the thing.

E.g. I heard from your friends mum that I met in Asda that you fell over and embarrassed yourself, I take it this is why you are avoiding school?
Teens don't like to be wrong so she may correct you and say That's not what happened! This is what happened....

Even if she doesn't tell you what's a happened, if she gives you as much as "that's not what happened" then at least you can tell that something has happened so you're at least a step closer to what's going on.

I hope she comes round OP

@Blomonge mine wouldn't hit me and haven't hit me even the two with autism. Not because they wouldn't dare but because of the good relationships I have nurtured. You may well find that your obedient primary school would be too scared but without the good relationship a teen with the hormones and frustrations and being your size or bigger might not possess the fear or the self control. I'd advise less on relying on fear and more on building relationships if you want to guarantee that your teen won't lose their rag and hit you especially if you throw water over them.

I'm suggesting that you don't have a scoobie

I wouldn't be so quick to dismiss ND in your daughter.

I was very like your daughter at that age. Refused to go to school. Stopped doing work. Wouldn't engage. My mother would physically drag me out of the house then lock the door, but I would just sit on the doorstep sobbing until she let me in again.

She said I was rude, stubborn and obnoxious. The school said smart but lazy. The GP said depression. It took another 20 years until someone said actually it's ASD and ADHD. It was explained to me that when you're a small child expectations are small, but as you get older the expectations become greater and that's when ND people really start to struggle. It becomes too much. It's a pattern that's been there all my life. I do fine until a certain point, then just shut down.

Fair enough Oblomov22 I didn't mean to presume, just when people suggest seeing the GP I tend to think they may as well suggest a chocolate teapot.

This!!!

Not every bad behaviour has to be ASD!

I had so many little friendship dramas at school, which at that age seem MASSIVE and absolutely insurmountable. That's why she wants to discuss it with her friends

Wait till yours have gone through teenage before you say that! 😀

Obviously your children are at primary school @Blomonge , as if that wasn’t immediately obvious to anyone with a teenager… It’s extremely easy to theorise what you would/will do. As with ALL parenting, it’s far harder and more complicated and nuanced when it’s real life and no longer theoretical.

I feel for you OP. It’s a horrendous situation and one that people think is easy to solve - just take away phones, rewards etc and get them out of bed.

My DS has barely been to school for two and a half years. It’s been the most horrific experience. He’s autistic with severe anxiety around school. Nothing school puts in place works and nothing we do works either. But he’s nearly 15 and a lot bigger and stronger than me, so ‘just getting him out of bed’ is not going to happen.

You’re doing the right thing involving the school. They will have dealt with this before. I hope you get it sorted soon.

I really do sympathise with you.

My DS (recently turned 16 and 6ft 5" tall/strong) tried to pull this stunt a few times during the last week of the summer term.

How some people on here think you can shift/lift/force a very stubborn teenager is beyond me. It's a physical impossibility.

We literally had to grab his phone off him and turn-off the wifi so he knew if he stayed at home he would have no internet/phone.

The fallout was like WW3. Just horrendous and my stress levels have never been so high (it affected me for a couple of weeks it was so bad and I consider myself to be very strong mentally).

He did go in very late, because he knew I/we were serious and we would NOT given in with his phone/internet.

Stick to your guns and don't give her her phone. She has got to realise there are tough consequences for terrible behaviour.

My DS is an only child as well and sounds quite similar to yours in terms of being quite entitled and only really speaking on his terms/practically everything has been done/got for him.

But that's stopping now, he's got to work for his money and not have such an easy and entitled life. That I am determined about before it's too late.

Be as strong as iron and don't give in.