DD refusing to get out of bed in time for school

[Nyx]

I am completely at a loss. She has never particularly liked school but neither did she hate it. But yesterday she refused to get out of bed, said she hadn't slept and was too tired. She's too big for me to wrestle her out of bed! So she stayed off.

I said I don't want this happening again. I took her phone off her yesterday and had it overnight (basically so she wouldn't be up all night scrolling on it) but this morning, although she slept, she didn't get out of bed again. She said because she was too late to have a shower before going in, she's not going in.

We have never ever led her to believe that you can just stay off school - I am completely stuck, I don't know what to do.

Do I phone the school and explain the situation? What will they do? I'm in Scotland. I hate this.

Yeah. @sidewayswalking
Just leave her there then. In bed for the next 7 years. Great idea.

Oh dear this is a bad situation which we have had to face with a relative too. The best thing you can do is to keep your cool and to make sure she doesn’t get the phone back or any tech to amuse her while she is off school. Get the school involved as you have done and try to sort out the problems. And don’t blame yourself because you are doing your best

I never said this so let's not pretend.

OP, I would ask for replies only from people who have experienced this sort of thing. All other replies are useless.

I wonder is there something in her phone that could explain things. What would happen if you said that you were going to look at her phone. I wonder would that get her to talk to you

You are right unless people have actually experienced this sort of thing they don’t know what you’re going through. It is very difficult when you get a teenager who actually refuses to do what you say and get up and go to school. Do the obvious things like take the phone off her and not allow her tech but these days you simply can’t do a lot more. You could of course tell her to cook her own meals but that might lead to her just snacking on rubbish food. But to me getting the school involved is probably key and they will probably have a staff member who will come round and see her

We had this with our oldest. No amount of cajoling, telling off or laying down of the law makes a blind bit of difference if they are refusing to go! We tried all manner of persuasion (carrot and stick) and in the end she just needed a bit of time away.

Our DD had undiagnosed Autism and other things going on which had been spectacularly masked by her until that became too difficult. A year or so younger than your DD OP.

We tended to find a day or 2 of space made all the difference and we kept talking to school so they were ready with support when she did go back. Luckily it was fairly rare (once or twice a term) and she never seems to get ill so had no other absence.

It is horribly stressful and you feel so powerless as a parent - anyone who does not have or has not experienced troubled teens cannot give advice. Seriously don't even try you have no idea until you have lived it.

Good luck OP. There will be something going on and hopefully you can find out what and deal with it.

Does your child usually defy your instructions? Mine wouldn’t dare. I’m afraid I would have chucked a bucket of water over her if she didn’t get up and there would be very severe consequences for refusing to obey a direct instruction.

How old are your kids @Blomonge ?

@Nyx If you use FaceBook I strongly recommend joining a private group called Parenting Mental Health - everyone who is a member (upwards of 20K😕) has actual experience of this and can give practical advice. You can post anonymously too if you like.

I’m glad I’m not your child! Imagine you are lying in your bed and something was worrying you so much or you were feeling so disregulated you couldn’t get up (maybe you had a disability or a mental health condition preventing you) and the person that was meant to love you more than anyone in the world threw a bucket of water over you. Horrific.

Mine are currently at primary school. But I can assure you that as a teenager I wouldn’t have dared to disobey a direct instruction from a parent, much less answer back or hit them! In the absence of special needs there should be zero chance that a properly disciplined child will hit a parent, I find it shocking that some people even think this might happen! Of course if you haven’t raised an obedient child then it’s a bit late now to complain that a teenager won’t do what they’re told.

Good luck for the teenage years @Blomonge 😂

Ok. So come the morning and she refuses to get up, then what oh sage one? Beat the living daylights out of her? What actually do you suggest. Drag her by the feet (if the OP is even physically able)? What? Please spell it out as I'm clearly too stupid to understand.

@Blomonge come back to us in a few years when you are actually parenting a teenager with all the hormones, friendship issues and emotions associated with that. I agree that people who haven’t got direct experience of this have literally zero idea!

Like what? Other than the water? What are these dire consequences? Does it descend into thrashing and beating?

Ah @Blomonge has primary school kids. Bless your little cotton socks. We shall all sit back over the next few years and watch the shit hit the fan. @Blomonge you will be so embarrassed one day that you made these comments.

I was a school refuser this was over 30 years ago now but i was 15.nothing in the end could make me go i was daignosed at 18 with depression and anxiety-it wasnt a known thing then-i got away with not going as we ended up moving i know its different now but go easy incase it is is depression

I agree, when they're little you can't fathom why parents of teens can't just get it together and parent properly. We all eat humble pie in the end 😉

Sorry OP I really feel for you. Definitely get the school involved and go from there.

Hopefully it'll just be good old fashioned hormone fuelled laziness.

I've had similar issues with my DS, who is a few years younger than your DD.
Once I had exhausted my reasonable and unreasonable approaches, I contacted the school.
Being a few years younger he was more respectful of the authority of school and him talking to the head of pastoral really helped. Me standing in his room with the teacher on the other side of the phone showed him that me and the school were serious.

I hope pastoral care can offer you some additional support. This cannot be a new situation for them.

I tried to balance me acknowledging his feeling with it being non-negotiable about attending school.

I think you should descalate the situation because you’re in a standoff you can’t win.

I’d give her back the phone. Tell her that you hear what she’s saying about needing to connect with her friends and let her at it. Reflect back to her the words she’s saying.

She needs an exit ramp out of this situation. And she may need help feeling ok going back to school after the incident with the teacher phoning. As the adult you need to model for her how to back down gracefully.

Maybe this is a silly idea but I find teens often find it easier to open up in the car. Can you persuade her to go out with you, no pressure. Just some mother daughter time.

Is it possible to talk to one of her friends to see what, if anything, is going on here?

@Blomonge sorry but those parenting techniques that work on your primary age kids - even the ones you have raised to be obedient - might fail you in a few years.

I have learnt A LOT about adolescent mental health in the last few years and a lot of it has forced me to banish my expectations and stop expecting my kids to behave like I did. The world is a different place to when we were at school and if an otherwise good conscientious school-attending kid does not want to go they are trying to tell you something.

It sounds cheesy but often bad behaviour is a demonstration of an unmet need. They may not have the words or skills to communicate that with you but seeing it as naughtiness to be stamped on and punished will not help you them or you.

On the phone I have conflicting views. We had to massively limit phone access but that's because it was more a source of unhelpful influence and borderline bullying than a link to supportive friends.

@Nyx I agree the day off school shouldn't just be a fun day on the phone / devices playing games but if she's too tired to get up then you I would say removing any devices overnight is perfectly reasonable. They cannot all self-regulate!