DD refusing to get out of bed in time for school

[Nyx]

I am completely at a loss. She has never particularly liked school but neither did she hate it. But yesterday she refused to get out of bed, said she hadn't slept and was too tired. She's too big for me to wrestle her out of bed! So she stayed off.

I said I don't want this happening again. I took her phone off her yesterday and had it overnight (basically so she wouldn't be up all night scrolling on it) but this morning, although she slept, she didn't get out of bed again. She said because she was too late to have a shower before going in, she's not going in.

We have never ever led her to believe that you can just stay off school - I am completely stuck, I don't know what to do.

Do I phone the school and explain the situation? What will they do? I'm in Scotland. I hate this.

On the days she's off, she gets no phone or tech for the entire day...take it off her and make the day as boring as possible. Call the school and tell them the truth. Don't cover for her.

That’s hard if she won’t talk. I think you’re right to call the school now, even though she won’t like it. As long as you remain supportive and she’s knows you’ll listen to her, you also have to show her that you are in charge when things get to this stage.

Are you in Scotland? as you say 5th year. Now she is 16, the school
can give her her leavers cert if her attendance is poor. They're not legally obliged to keep her on school roll.

If she’s in Y11, every lesson she misses will affect her chances of getting decent, if any GCSEs. Perhaps she’d really like to be an unqualified, minimum wage worker doing a manual job for a pittance for the rest of her adult life. But if she wants more than that, she needs to get her act together. I’d be inclined to make that choice very clear to her.

Tbh ld go against the grain here and give her the phone back. She’s 16.

lf she didn’t talk much as a child I’d be suspecting ASD. The refusal to go to school could be anxiety based.

l’d return the phone and try and use it as a conversation opener. A side by side conversation is best ( car, walking)

Stop the sanctions and back off a bit. Stop the arguments about dog walking etc. This is your biggest problem. Focus on this.

Cant believe all the people saying force her in, without knowing the reason for the refusal. It’s not always laziness. She doesn’t sound very happy.

It’s so hard OP.

The people saying ‘just get her up’ have obviously never dealt with this. It’s physically impossible to get a depressed/anxious/upset teen out of bed!

Our school were very kind and understanding but unless I could get her in to school there wasn’t much they could do.

I had to start getting my mum to drive her in, as she’d expressed some pretty scary thoughts around having to catch the bus.

We were allowed to drive her into the staff car park so she could slip in the side gate, as she found entering through the main gate really stressful.

Sometimes the lovely deputy would have to come and get her from the car and walk her in, she’d usually go to “the hub” which is a space for students to work when the class is too overwhelming.

She’s now at the senior campus (year 10-12) where they have an excellent student services department. She calls the head of the department the ‘cheese toasty lady’ because she makes the kids cheese toasties to perk them up a bit 😁☺️

She’s through the worst of it now and we haven’t had school refusal in over a year, thanks to a combination of CAMHS, Headspace, medication and supportive teachers.

Good luck OP, hopefully she’s just having a rough patch and will be through it soon 💐

Well she can’t speak to them until after school anyway as they won’t be available - the pastoral team should be available all day as generally not teaching staff.

Definitely don't give in on the phone front OP, you need to keep in control of the situation as far as possible even if there are underlying issues

I meant that the dd can’t talk to her friends now so there’s def no need for the phone until after school time at least

You have my sympathy OP. The mobile phone is a massive issue in my house and putting rules around screen time etc is not going down well. How was her report in 4th year? My son is the same age and has similar behaviours although is going to school for now at least. In the last year his work has dropped off a cliff & won't discuss it. It's incredibly challenging

Ah ok @Goldenbrowns, I misunderstood

The baby & toddler years are a walk in the park compared to the teenage years!

I think you're doing the right thing talking to the pastoral team OP. Good luck.

My 11yo son is currently a little dream. If I have to go through the same again I might need the mental health team myself. 😆

I find the threat of a cold dripping flannel is enough to get DS out of bed on the rare occasions he won't co-operate.

Combined with a decent breakfast, made and waiting for him on the table.

Carrot and stick 😀hasn't failed yet, but he's only 14 and I'm still bigger than him.

Ringing the school is a good place to start if you don't want to insist physically. She doesn't sound depressed or anxious. You need reinforcements and to up the embarrassment factor.

You’re doing the right thing. I was the same with school, although I was open to my Mum about anxiety but couldn’t explain what it was that was making me anxious. I second a previous poster that it might be better for her to go in late but after lunch/break so she’s not halfway through a lesson. I’d call the school but be prepared for your DD to not like you for it, in her head it will make things a lot worse (which isn’t true if they’re a good pastoral team who can help her). I’d keep the phone off her until she starts school/does stuff around the house/homework etc. But I’d also be concerned about whether something has happened at school and she wants her phone to check up on what’s going on. I’d get the parent that she’s closest to to calmly chat to her about how it isn’t like her and try and see if you can get something out of her about why she doesn’t want to go in.

What would you suggest? When I was a teenager, my father once physically dragged me out of bed. My head hit the floor and I got a concussion. I still didn't get myself dressed and out of the house. Once a child is adult sized, you can't just pick them up and move them anymore.

Just leave her be for today. The more you argue, cajole, remove privileges and warn about being stuck in a dead-end job (FFS 🙄) the less likely she will be to open up to you.
Depression is so often dismissed as typical 'teen' behaviour and by the time anyone realises what's going on things have escalated so fast response is good, the pastoral team might be of some use.
Anyone who reckons they 'wouldn't put up with it' have clearly never had a child who struggles with their mental health. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

OP I think you're doing the right thing confiscating her phone and contacting school. Very difficult to know how to handle it if she won't talk to you - good luck

OP, Please don’t have this conversation with your DD. I would put money on it that it won’t help and will make her more stressed. Even if she doesn’t show she is stressed it will be internal. She knows that you need qualifications to get a good job, it’s so drummed in to teenagers to no wonder they get stressed.

as for the poster suggesting dripping cold water on their child in bed - really! If I was struggling and DH did that to me, he would get short shrift. I wouldn’t stand for that as an adult, so why do it to my child.

The pastoral care teacher was lovely (I started bawling down the phone, I was mortified but couldn't help it). I did say my DD would be really angry that I was phoning the school and that might make it worse. The pastoral care teacher suggested I hang up and that she phone my phone and ask to speak to DD as she's not in school again today. We did that and I took the phone through to say 'your school has phoned and the teacher wants to speak to you' - DD was horrified and refused point blank. The teacher eventually hung up. I have now emailed her. I can't see that there's much any of us can do. I just pray DD sees sense before long.

If DD simply wanted to get out of going to school she could have just pretended she was unwell. I would have believed her. There must be something wrong. But if she wants help but won't accept help what can I do.

She just wants her phone and that's it. I think it's an addiction to the phone issue. But she only had her phone taken off her after she refused to go to school yesterday.

I'm going round in circles. This is a nightmare.

This. Because what you now have is a 16 year old holed up in her room and cut off from the world.

It's ok, the school know now and that's the main thing. Deep breaths. No phone back until she engages properly, perhaps make it clear she can have the phone for a period of time once she talks to the school?

It’s easy to catastrophise in this situation.
try to take a step back, chill. At the moment she’s missed less than 2 days of school.
its quite likely she feels like she’s gone too far and needs a bit of a get out.
leave her to sleep for a bit and try again with a fresh start later.

have you looked at her phone to see if you can see if anything’s going on? If you don’t feel comfortable looking at her messages you could check photos for screen shots which might give you an idea.

If she's not in depressed I would simply insist, today tell her that she is going to school tomorrow. end of.

Yes this. I have two daughters with serious MH problems and the first sign is refusing to get out of bed. Happy children are usually happy to go to school and see their friends even if they hate maths/lunches/swimming/the girl in the year above. Good luck OP x

Maybe something has happened, eg a photo of her has been shared around or something and she’s mortified so doesn’t want to face anybody. If she’s not had her phone back since yesterday maybe shes no idea what’s going on. I wouldn’t let her have her phone while she should be in school but I would let her check it later so she can message her friends, but only for a period of agreed time and not over night. Something is clearly going on for this behaviour to come out of the blue. I also cannot believe others suggestions they would physically manhandle her out of bed. My DD is 14 and is already taller than me. All behaviour is communication and even if she is being an absolute pain in the arse there must be a reason why she’s acting the way she is. It’s just very difficult if she can’t or won’t articulate what is going on.