DD refusing to get out of bed in time for school

[Nyx]

I am completely at a loss. She has never particularly liked school but neither did she hate it. But yesterday she refused to get out of bed, said she hadn't slept and was too tired. She's too big for me to wrestle her out of bed! So she stayed off.

I said I don't want this happening again. I took her phone off her yesterday and had it overnight (basically so she wouldn't be up all night scrolling on it) but this morning, although she slept, she didn't get out of bed again. She said because she was too late to have a shower before going in, she's not going in.

We have never ever led her to believe that you can just stay off school - I am completely stuck, I don't know what to do.

Do I phone the school and explain the situation? What will they do? I'm in Scotland. I hate this.

And if she says no?

Thanks to everyone who is replying on this thread, I really appreciate it.

Occasionally my ds will do this (15) and I fully accept it and just say have a day to rest then back the next day and then it’s fine

OP has already insisted

All those saying they wouldn't stand for it, it wouldn't happen in their house etc etc are clearly lucky enough to never have had a school refusing teenager. It's easy to say you wouldn't stand for it. So what do you if a 6ft 15 year old boy refuses to do what he's told? Shout? Smack him? Remove his phone? What if you remove the phone and he kicks off and breaks things? What if you physically pull him out of bed and he lamps you one? Do you then call the police?

For some DCs, threats and removal of privileges don't work.

I had a school refuser. What worked in the end was persuasion and understanding not punishment and threats which just made the situation worse.

OP, ring the school and explain the situation to your DD's pastoral head. This will not be the first time they will have dealt with this and a good pastoral support teacher will offer you invaluable help.

This was my issue 6’1 15 year old. He rarely does it so I know the days he says he isn’t going in is for a genuine reason as he doesn’t abuse the privilege of being able to decide for himself. I’d never force him even if I could. He know what’s expected of him so I assume when he doesn’t go that he has a good reason

Did she want to go back to school? My DS refused to attend school after he turned 16 even though we would have preferred him to stay on ,we are also in Scotland, he secured an apprenticeship and tbh that was the best option for him (he has ADHD). Would attending college to do a course be better for her if this school refusal turns out to be more than a temporary blip? PP’s suggesting you somehow force them have no idea, if you physically manhandle them that would be assault.

They don't even have to be a strapping teenager - DD was refusing in primary school. I don't do 'physical' though so her size was irrelevant. It took years for her to be able to accept she had anxiety, she used to get angry at the suggestion because she didn't understand it. We worked hard with her to help her learn and accept her feelings. She autistic and no longer goes to school (still not a teen yet) but fighting against and dishing out punishment is not going to work.

Well thats solved the problem, well done 🙄

Just leave her be for today. The more you argue, cajole, remove privileges and warn about being stuck in a dead-end job (FFS 🙄) the less likely she will be to open up to you

Absolutely.

Wet flannels, shouting, dragging- none of this will work.

She needs treating gently to get her to open up a bit. Confiscating her phone seems to have made it worse. She’s 16. Cut back on harsh sanctions which are escalating the situation. Treat her compassionately.

l have a DD line this. Sanctions make everything much much worse. I’ve confiscated her phone 3 times in her life. She’s a pleasant, lovely young women. I don’t need to take a phone off an almost adult.

I'd love to know how some of these posters think they could force a 16 year old to get to school!

Both my sister and I missed school, sometimes for days at a time, at this sort of age. She and I were very very different: our parents knew why I struggled with school but my sister wouldn't/couldn't talk about it. Twenty years down the line I recognise that both of us just couldn't face it. Our school was shite at handling the behaviour of pupils towards each other and a lot of the teaching wasn't inspiring and there were behaviour control issues in most lessons. The only motivation to go would be because we 'should' and because we both had friends we wanted to see.

We needed support and, in hindsight, probably an assessment with an educational psychiatrist. We're both convinced we have ADHD which means that we struggled more than others to cope with what was thrown at us at school. I changed school for sixth form and things improved immeasurably.

From a parent's perspective you have all my sympathy. I've had to deal with a school-refusing 4 year old. That was a long slog through two terms of a battle every single morning. It was heart-breaking and exhausting. I can't imagine doing it with a 16 year old who really needs to be there and is much harder to manage.

From the struggling child's perspective - she is communicating in the only way she currently can that she can't face school. I doubt she's doing this just for fun. Have you considered trying to find her a place at a different school/college?

Thanks. She is in a good school at the moment and has never had, as far as I know, any issues with the school. She got good grades in her Nat 5s despite very little actual studying. Perhaps it's the fact that Highers are harder and she will absolutely have to get the head down and do some work that's stressing her? I've no idea.

@Hellocatshome
No I disagree. It really is that simple. Ask if ok MH wise. Tell her this can't go on. Say you will book an appointment with GP if there is an issue. If she is having trouble verbalising it, offer help. If not probably talking a nice talking but ultimately harder line that now you've covered most of the basic questions, you can't see any reason why she can't go tomorrow and that's what you expect.

She has no idea what she wants to do when she leaves school. No plans. No hobbies. I think she's got her head in the sand hoping that she can just continue being given money when she needs it and an iPhone with plenty of data without having to actually do anything.

She's ok when she's coasting along and nothing is going wrong. She struggles to manage when she's up against a test that she's not studied for or homework that she's not handed in.

She just simply will not listen to sense. Shouts over her dad or I trying to persuade her to think/do anything/listen.

Because she has done reasonably well up until this point we've not had to intervene. She does usually go to school, even if sometimes she's late. I think the time for an intervention is here. I have no idea what the school can do but she absolutely will not listen to me, even though she can see that I'm worried about her (as opposed to being really angry with her or anything).

Yes Oblomov I see what you're saying but I said this yesterday. Enough is enough and if you won't speak/accept help/tell me the issue then you absolutely must go to school. And here we are.

OP has already said she's happy at school. No bullying. No ASD or ADHD.

If you were lying in bed all day and couldn't face getting up and going to work, it'd be a sign either that the job was a really bad fit for you and you needed a different environment, or that you were having mental health trouble and needed help. Someone dripping water on you or trying to physically force you into the office would not be a kind or reasonable way to deal with the situation. You can't and shouldn't treat a 16-year-old like a misbehaving toddler.

I was in your DD's situation. When I could get out of bed, I was far happier at home doing chores with no computer access than I would have been at school, so sanctions didn't work. Treating it as 'bad behaviour' and getting angry just made me feel like a bad person for not being able to do what everyone else did. Telling me I'd never get a job if I didn't go to school made things worse- the difference between 'my life right now is shit, I want to leave school' and 'my life will always be shit, what's the point in carrying on?'. It's also untrue.

In my case it was depression, anxiety, and undiagnosed ASD. My parents kept trying to push me back into school until I was old enough to legally leave. It took me until my mid-twenties to fully recover from the damage to my mental health and self-image. Missed education is much easier to catch up on. The school environment doesn't fit everyone.

Lolz at all the people saying just make her go in. They clearly haven't experienced this type of thing - probably because they're such wonderful, no-shit taking parents. As one of the sensible PPs said, you need to try to get to the bottom of what has changed to make her not want to go in; it could be a blip and she'll go back tomorrow or she could be depressed or anxious about something specific. I'd just stay calm, keep trying to talk to her and give it a few days. If nothing changes then you will have to contact school and explain that she's refusing school and see what they suggest. There is no easy solution to this but it might just blow over.

Emotionally based school avoidance has become a massive issue post COVID, esp with autistic and other neurodiverse young people though of course not all youngsters who can't face school are neurodivergent.

School should treat it like any other special need; find out what is going wrong - with specialist help if necessary - and put steps into place to make it feel easier.

All those posters who say they wouldn't stand for it have clearly never had to manage the crushing awfulness of watching your child's mental deterioration.

OP it's also worth booking a GP appointment to check that there's no medical issue - excessive tiredness could be due to anaemia, for example.

Asd and adhd usually go undiagnosed in girls so the OP might not know. Teachers are also hopeless at spotting SEN. So I wouldn't be certain there are neither of these. Although it is strange if this has just started now and never been an issue before.

Telling someone you expect them to go to school tomorrow and them actually going are two completely different things.

Hand on a sec, I had already said that if OP had lovingly covered all bases: offered all options re of there was an underlying issue: medical, MH, ASD, ADHD, bullying, anxiety, anything.

If you've asked dd if it is none of those things, then if dd insists there isn't another reason, it's reasonable to suggest that she must then go in, because there's no other support to be offered, and she can't just stay in bed forever. 😉

Clueless. On many fronts.

Old wives tale, then OP can suggest that (possible ASD or ADHD) to dd, (or even depression) and suggest that a chat with GP is best. OP rings GP surgery today and gets next available appointment.

@sidewayswalking
What are you suggesting then sideways? As a practical solution? What next?
Nothing?