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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Can a 19 year take her 14 year old sister abroad?

119 replies

ZiggysTarbrush · 01/08/2022 21:49

My incredibly anxious unstreetwise girls (who until now haven't been to the cashpoint by themselves or hopped on a local bus) have decided they are buying plane tickets and hotel rooms for New Year's Eve in Amsterdam.

Now while I applaud their ambitions I've tried explaining it's the travel equivalent of lying in bed for years then announcing they are signing up for a marathon in a few months and will need to get used to doing things by themselves without me chaperoning before anyone thinks it's wise for them to go to a big bad European city where they might get lost, hurt, preyed on by bad folks etc.

Apparently I'm a controlling bully for gently pointing this out.

Question if I do not give consent as her parent can I legally prevent my eldest 19 yr old DD from taking her 14 sister away on a plane/Eurostar?

Ffs.

OP posts:
Hopeandlove · 01/08/2022 21:50

Yes the parent can say no

titchy · 01/08/2022 21:51

Yes technically the youngest needs yours (and her fathers if he has PR) permission, although they may not get challenged.

I have to ask though - how the hell have they got to the ages of 19 (19!) and 14 having never got a bus or used a cash machine by themselves?

lOPAS · 01/08/2022 21:58

Why haven't they been on a bus or to a cash point?

..and your 14 yr old.will need your permission.

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 01/08/2022 22:01

It’s

PuttingDownRoots · 01/08/2022 22:01

Easiest thing would be hiding 14yos passport...

Suggest an overnight trip to another UK city this summer, then a foreign trip but not NYE?

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 01/08/2022 22:02

It’s only august 1st! You’ve got 5 months to get them on a bus!

for what it’s worth, this is the kind of stunt me and my sister pulled (although not having never been made to be independent) and we were fine.

LouLouLouLouie · 01/08/2022 22:03

They've got 5 months to get streetwise! Baby steps with a bus (!) first before you wave them off.

Seriously, bet they have a great time and it does them a power of good.

OutDamnedSpot · 01/08/2022 22:04

Surely this is a brilliant opportunity to support them in becoming more independent?

“What a lovely idea girls. I’m really excited for you. Now, what skills do we need to practise before you go?”

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 01/08/2022 22:07

I would start them working on those skills as a top priority. Why not suggest that you fly over too but stay separately? Then meet up to fly back. Then you are in the same country but not on top of them. At 19 it is important that the eldest one develops some more life skills. Maybe her developing that could be a goal for the next few months so you trust her to take some responsibity for the 14yr old.

Thatboymum · 01/08/2022 22:07

I’m in my 30s and I’ve never been on a bus or train and frankly never want to, but yes I think they may be challenged unless 14 year old looks older, my sister in her mid 30s took my 13yo to America this year and 13yo was stopped and questioned as to who she was with where she was going and had to show them my letter of consent my sister said they were very strict about it. I do think tho that your 19yo could probably safely take other dd away and maybe you should atleast discuss it with an open mind and consider it

ApolloandDaphne · 01/08/2022 22:07

How on earth has a 19 yo never been to a cashpoint or used a bus? At 14 my DD2 and her mate got a bus from our semi rural town to the city 19yo DD1 was at uni in and stayed with her and went to a One Direction concert on their own in a large venue.

ApolloandDaphne · 01/08/2022 22:09

Thatboymum · 01/08/2022 22:07

I’m in my 30s and I’ve never been on a bus or train and frankly never want to, but yes I think they may be challenged unless 14 year old looks older, my sister in her mid 30s took my 13yo to America this year and 13yo was stopped and questioned as to who she was with where she was going and had to show them my letter of consent my sister said they were very strict about it. I do think tho that your 19yo could probably safely take other dd away and maybe you should atleast discuss it with an open mind and consider it

Do you drive or do you just not go anywhere?

titchy · 01/08/2022 22:11

I’m in my 30s and I’ve never been on a bus or train and frankly never want to,

Really?! Why not - both are great modes of transport.

Wafflesnsniffles · 01/08/2022 22:13

Thatboymum you've never been on a bus or a train? Ever? Wowsers! Do you live nowhere near a station/bus stop? Travelling by bus/train isnt always great (but arguably neither is travelling by car (carparks, fuel costs, environmental concerns......) but its often rather cool. Ive met so many fascinating people by chatting to randoms on public transport.

Thatboymum · 01/08/2022 22:13

ApolloandDaphne · 01/08/2022 22:09

Do you drive or do you just not go anywhere?

Show quote history

I drive lol , I blame my parents growing up they never wanted us on public transport they were very over protective and filled our head with possible risks and disasters so we were driven everywhere we wanted to go until we could drive ourself and now as an adult I’m too scared to do it because 1 I don’t know how to and I know that’s sad and 2 I don’t actually like not being in control of my surroundings so I see public transport as more risky than being myself in a car. I sound crazy haha

CthulhuInDisguise · 01/08/2022 22:14

Sounds great. I took my sister to Germany for a weekend when I was 25 and she was 15, we had a brilliant time.

Johnnysgirl · 01/08/2022 22:15

I’m in my 30s and I’ve never been on a bus or train and frankly never want to
But you surely understand how outside the norm this actually is?
Op, is your 19 year old at Uni or work? Her life sounds so dreadfully limited?

Thatboymum · 01/08/2022 22:19

Johnnysgirl · 01/08/2022 22:15

I’m in my 30s and I’ve never been on a bus or train and frankly never want to
But you surely understand how outside the norm this actually is?
Op, is your 19 year old at Uni or work? Her life sounds so dreadfully limited?

Of course I do I think it’s Absolutely crazy that I have never been on either but it’s been drilled into me from such a young age that I’m now genuinely scared and also embarrassed because I wouldn’t have a clue what to do etc . If somebody would like to come and hold my hand and take me on a bus I’d be so grateful haha

xyzandabc · 01/08/2022 22:19

I'm quite surprised that a 14 yr old has never used a bus or a cashpoint and very very surprised that a 19 yr old hasn't. These are just basic life skills that they really should know, what other steps towards independence are they missing out on?

If they're keen, I think it's a great idea. Could they do a day trip to your nearest city independently this summer holiday, then perhaps an overnight in half term. To gain some skills and give both you and them confidence that they can do it.

No input from you in the planning though, they need to be able to figure out for themselves public transport, timetables, tickets, timings, payment, booking an activity, hotel, food etc. If they've done it all themselves, there's more chance of them being able to deal with it if it goes wrong. If mum has told them what bus to get, what stop it goes from and how to get from A to B, they will find it much harder to figure out what to do if the bus doesn't turn up or they end up lost. Whereas if they know where the timetable is, know how to read it and have a map, they can sort it out themselves.

RampantIvy · 01/08/2022 22:19

I’m in my 30s and I’ve never been on a bus or train and frankly never want to

Really @Thatboymum?

Do you never go out or have you always been chauffeured or driven yourself?
Have you ever flown? Have you not used any kind of public transport?

DD had to get a bus to school from 11 and flew to Lanzarote and Paris with friends aged 17 (some of them were 18)

How come your DC have never used a bus or a cashpoint at their ages @ZiggysTarbrush?

titchy · 01/08/2022 22:19

Would you never travel to London @Thatboymum - just tap your contactless card on the yellow circle by the driver. And that's it! Trains - just buy a ticket online. I find public transport more controllable if that's your issue - not knowing where I'll be able to park, not knowing how long the journey will take, if there are road works or an accident on the way that means traffic jams. Train - you know when it will leave and when it will arrive at your destination. Easy! And safe than driving...

clary · 01/08/2022 22:20

OP I imagine the answer to your question is that you can stop her taking the 14yo.

More to the point tho, why on earth have your teenagers never been on a bus? Is it because you live centrally in a city and they walk everywhere? Or have they really never had any kind of independence? Your OP mentions you "chaperoning" - do you really go everywhere with them? If so can I suggest that this is the wakeup call you need to let them belatedly have some freedom.

Allthegoodusernamesareused · 01/08/2022 22:25

Start preparing them now, OP! Your 19yo, assuming she's NT, should be more than capable of looking after your 14yo. My 11yo DD uses buses and trains, knows how to use my contactless card (she's not old enough to have her own debit card yet), and is pretty determined to visit her sister at university next year. We've brought both girls up to recognise and assess risk. Sometimes they need a little push, but it sounds like your DDs have ambition to do more, and it should be encouraged.

BryceQuinlanTheFirst · 01/08/2022 22:28

I've taken my brother away, lots of London trips from being a young boy to Barcelona when he was 16. I've never been questioned at airports.

I don't understand why your kids can't do anything for themselves.... Is this a good opportunity to get them self sufficient?

Wafflesnsniffles · 01/08/2022 22:28

@thatboymum - just try it. Walk into a station, buy a return ticket to the next station along - ideally somewhere interesting with museums/fun shops........ hang out there for a bit then get a return train back. Not at all difficult.

Remind yourself as you are doing it how much the environment is thanking you. Sitting on a train nosing at the world as it whizzes by can be really interesting - actually calmer than going by car with all its traffic lights/roundabouts/dodgy driving incidents.

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