16 year old wants full independence…

[DoleWhipFloat]

I’ll try to bullet point this or it’ll be long.

My son is 16, turning 17 in a few weeks.
He has a girlfriend.
He didn’t want to come on holiday with us this summer, so we’ve agreed to let him stay at home on his own, with family just checking in on him occasionally.
He refuses to get a part time job as he has to study for his AS and A levels.
He refuses to study for his AS or A levels…or pretends he has.
He also says he has enough money, the money I saved for him and transferred to him when he turned 16 (well the bank did as I’d put the account was in his name) approx £3000.

He goes to be around 3am, sleeping with his ipad on his bed and FaceTiming his girlfriend all night. When I asked him not to do this, as I was concerned about it being a fire hazard, he shouted me down and basically told me he hates me.

Today he asked to go to London alone with his girlfriend a few days after his 17th birthday. He wants to go by train, watch a concert, stay in a hotel and then come back by train.

His dad and I discussed this, but decided that at just turned 17, we would prefer him not to. It’s a long way to London from here and he’d be funding the trip with the money I’d saved, which was meant to be for a car.

He’s obviously angry and has reacted by shouting at us about what bad parents we are and so I put a full stop on the conversation by saying that whilst I understood his disappointment, the answer is no and will stay no, as long as he wishes to stay here over the summer alone.

Anyway, feeling really shit now. Have no idea if I’m doing this correctly. Feel like a complete failure.

It was supposed to say ‘he goes to bed around 3am’.

Well, I actually moved to London alone after just turning 16 - from another country, I’m not British - for uni, and was fully independent.

That included working for my own money, applying for my own grants/scholarships. Doing my own laundry, buying and cooking my own food. Cleaning my own living space.

Does he do all of that? I’d tell him he can be fully independent if he’s happy to do absolutely everything - or does he still expects you to cook for him and wash his clothes?

I have two 17 year olds - they go to work for treat money. DS goes out and sees friends often home later - he doesn’t speak to me like crap!

I doubt they’ll find a hotel when both are under 18 - we’ve looked into this as DS wanted to go to Liverpool for the weekend.

If he wants to spend his money on a weekend away all you can do is sit back and let him - he can save for his own car - he can get a job and save. That’s on him.

He’s not far from being an adult and you need to teach he how to be one, and let him make mistakes - guide him on choices by all means - but don’t punish him for wanting to be an adult.

Bloody teenagers are a pain in the arse. And I know that because mine was like it for a while and then sort of grew out of it.
Most hotels won't have him if he is under 18. If he spends all his money then that's it there is no more if he wants to buy a car or have driving lessons. If he fucks up his exams then again that's on him. However all you can do is tell him this and say he has to make that choice but it's on him. Oh and use protection.

If you're telling him an iPad on his bed is a fire risk, no wonder he has no respect for you.

And you're being OTT about London, too. I was traveling abroad at that age.

He wants to be an adult, I see. Ok, two can play at they game. I would be taking his phone, his WiFi, his computer, and anything else you pay for. He's so grown-up and independently wealthy he can now pay for these things himself, yes?

His disrespectful behaviour should not be tolerated. Let him be a big shot and go to London. His money will be gone before he turns around, and gone is his chance to get a car. Live and learn, and your son needs some hard lessons. Don't be afraid to let him fall right on his arse.

No, he doesn’t do anything. He’s in bed until about 4pm on a day off.

And that means you shouldn't do anything for him. You're not his skivvy. He should have been taught life skills a long time ago.

Is sleeping with an iPad on your bed, plugged in not a fire risk?
I genuinely thought it was.

Ok. Look about the money, you say it was for a car, he can choose to spend it how he wishes (grit your teeth because likely you scrimped and saved but oh well) so you can't dictate how it is spent.

Next he is in full time education, I wouldn't push the part time job, just reduce your input to him running his own life. He can do his own laundry. An allowance paid to him monthly, any more wanted, get yourself a part time job mate.

Try to not go toe to toe with him, no one wins. Once he has finished A levels (12 months, hang on in there!) then he can free himself from family constraints as he sees fit.

Stop doing anything for him. At all

and anyone reading this with younger kids do NOT save money in your children’s names!!! This is what can happen.

Why did you let a 16 year old have access to such a large lump sum of money?

I had this with ds, and he was all I am grown up now you cannot tell me what to do. He did work though so had his own money as well as doing A levels. I actually did do what was suggested above and calmly said that I understand he was an adult and so all input from me would stop so no food, laundry, lifts, clothes. As I was saying this he went for his phone and I said that stops as well as I would no longer be paying it. The stand off lasted about 24 hours before he relented. It is so hard!!

I left school at 16 and went to work abroad that summer. Had my 17th birthday abroad.
Never came home again.
Tell him if he wants adult responsibilities he’d better start acting like an adult. Let him fly! Give him wings. See what he makes of it.
It’s all part of growing up. The biggest learning curve.

I do think 17 is old enough to go to somewhere else in the U.K. overnight however.

He was very respectful and helped out with cleaning etc up until covid, where I guess we got slack and didn’t persist with the routine we had going. Things have gone downhill this past year.
I’m clearly not perfect and I’m obviously making mistakes…he’s our first and only child.
problem is I’m struggling. It’s so hard. I just want him to be sensible and safe.

You are doing fine and all this is to test his independence. He's got to make his own mistakes and he has to show he can be trusted.
He also has to make it so difficult for you you can't wait to get rid of him.

So you resign from all of your dm duties.
No cooking or washing.. No lifts. No help with forms etc..
I left home at 17.

He will come crawling op.

If you continue to restrict him so much he will just pull the other way. Travelling around alone at 17 is fine. Many many teenagers holiday abroad or go to festivals at that age.

Our DD travelled to Germany by herself at this age for a conference ( didn't speak a word of German either!). She managed well.

But she did work and study well and was generally responsible.

It sounds like the problem is he wants the privileges of adulthood without the responsibilities. It's a hard stage, letting go but also helping them to live responsibly.

I don't think you're a failure - it's genuinely a difficult time for many and every teenager is different. Most of us just muddle through I think.

I don't know if there is something massively different about an ipad battery, but charging a laptop or a phone on a bed is a fire risk.

The fire service sent all new starters at university a campaign about it, with a photo of a fire which had started with a laptop left on a bed.

Also it's obviously not good for sleep to be using the iPad all night.

Using an iPad on a bed is not a fire risk unless you have defective (non official) cables.

If he has access to the money then he'll probably spend it anyway. If you want it to be spent on a car I'd book him in for driving lessons and/or take him to look at cars ASAP, keep talking about the 3k budget for his car etc etc to cement that in his mind. Will that even be enough for a car these days?

I do find it a bit weird that you won't let him go to London? Not agreeing to fund it because the money is for something else is fair. If the money is just likely to be frittered though, then possibly better to spend it on something he'll at least get some useful life experience and good memories out of. How far is a long way, has he been before? Maybe there's a closer city he could do something similar in? I think it's great that he wants to do something like that. It's worth him checking the hotels etc before he books anything else though if the 18 issue is correct as others have said.

Whatever he does the 3k is unlikely to last very long. Maybe he'll decide a part time job is a good idea after all.

We all want our children to be sensible and safe, but you have got to allow him to grow up. Perhaps he's acting out against you because you've been treating him like a little kid.

He's 17 - you're treating him as a much younger teen! If he wants to go to London that seems like a perfectly normal thing to do. You were daft to let him have access to a chunk of money but that horse has bolted. If he pisses it all up a wall and has nothing left for driving lessons or a car then that's on him - and a valuable lesson he'll have learned.

He certainly needs to be doing chores though, his own washing, making his own breakfast and lunch, cooking the evening meal once or twice a week.

And if he doesn't do enough work to get his A levels again that's on him. And when he sees his friends all go off to uni that'll hopefully give him the kick he needs to resit a year and knuckle down.

If I was you I'd have a calm discussion, tell him you're sorry you are just adjusting to him growing up, say you recognise he's nearly an adult, and let him go to London, but in return you'd like him to take some responsibility for himself now, and recognise that he needs to help the family a bit by cooking/hoovering/gardening or whatever.

The money is his - the bank transferred it into his name as that’s how kids account work. So unfortunately you cannot dictate how he spends it. It’s for this reason I don’t save money in my children’s names.
At 17 I’d let him go to London with his girlfriend. I went abroad with friends at that age.
The issue for me is the way he talks to you and acts.