16 year old wants full independence…

[DoleWhipFloat]

I’ll try to bullet point this or it’ll be long.

My son is 16, turning 17 in a few weeks.
He has a girlfriend.
He didn’t want to come on holiday with us this summer, so we’ve agreed to let him stay at home on his own, with family just checking in on him occasionally.
He refuses to get a part time job as he has to study for his AS and A levels.
He refuses to study for his AS or A levels…or pretends he has.
He also says he has enough money, the money I saved for him and transferred to him when he turned 16 (well the bank did as I’d put the account was in his name) approx £3000.

He goes to be around 3am, sleeping with his ipad on his bed and FaceTiming his girlfriend all night. When I asked him not to do this, as I was concerned about it being a fire hazard, he shouted me down and basically told me he hates me.

Today he asked to go to London alone with his girlfriend a few days after his 17th birthday. He wants to go by train, watch a concert, stay in a hotel and then come back by train.

His dad and I discussed this, but decided that at just turned 17, we would prefer him not to. It’s a long way to London from here and he’d be funding the trip with the money I’d saved, which was meant to be for a car.

He’s obviously angry and has reacted by shouting at us about what bad parents we are and so I put a full stop on the conversation by saying that whilst I understood his disappointment, the answer is no and will stay no, as long as he wishes to stay here over the summer alone.

Anyway, feeling really shit now. Have no idea if I’m doing this correctly. Feel like a complete failure.

I get this. I think we do make allowances for that. But thank you 😊

Ah if he hasn’t chipped into the 3k yet and has generous birthday gifts it’s all still to play for. He hasn’t done anything stupid with the money yet and may well buy a car and surprise you.

I try to look for a way out with dignity when I or my teen have backed myself into a corner. I agree with saying London sounds lovely and see how they get on booking things. All good lessons for uni life.

a job may do him good but if he has enough money anyway and has fatigue from IBD and is planning to pull his socks up in terms of studying then a job might not be top priority.

I agree though about some respect at home but with older teens it does work best in all directions and negotiations are key.

Definitely not rich. Sadly.

Both DH and I earn a good wage, but equally we have a huge mortgage and we bought a house way bigger than what we need, so that comes with all the big bills. We are looking to downsize soon.

£3000 is a lot of money and I would have liked to continue saving into that account for longer. I was hoping to gift him around £10,000 for uni or a deposit. Stupid bank account rules!

If you wanted the money to be for a car, probably would have been better to keep it yourself on his behalf.
I'd let him do the whole London thing.
I would stop giving him any money from now on.
The deal is that if they want independence they earn their own money - even if studying.
I left home at 17 and was quite capable of independent decisions and finances.

Hopefully he might. We agreed on using the money for a car when the account disappeared from my internet banking and appeared on his. I had originally wanted to save for longer, but thought he may as well use it for a car. I hope he does, or I can see him expecting to use mine.

You’re right about the IBD and how it’s likely to make him feel. I hope they get it sorted soon.

We’ve gone for a beach day out and just arrived, so apologies if I stop responding for a bit. Hoping to relax a little and it’ll give DH and I a chance to discuss London.

Wish DS had come with us, but obviously he wanted to stay at home. Teens!

just a thought, but is the savings account actually a junior isa/child trust fund? As they move to child at 16 but are not accessible til 18.

His money will run out soon, then he’ll either have to get a job or not be able to do anything..

He wants to be Independent, let him, he’ll soon have no money and be fed up

I’d find a way of transferring the money back to you.

I’d also start treating him more like a young adult as in making him do his share at home - cook a night or two a week regularly, chip in for his costs (eg subscriptions you get for him, I presume he already buys his own clothes etc), discuss decisions with him eg “where shall we go for dinner on dad’s birthday?” and make him help with research and booking. He doesn’t have to be a brat but he’s turning into one, right now. His illness will be hard to go through but eg I had crippling periods every month and a close friend had celiac disease (sorry can’t spell) and neither of us were allowed to have our own way or be rude to our parents because of those things. School and friends and employers won’t put up with it. You’ll be doing him a real favour if you’re brave and crack down on it now. Good luck 🤞

I went to Glasto just turned 17 many years ago, parents must have been worried but they let me go. I had a job from 14 and it was all my own money.
Maybe sit down with him and explain that you don't feel using the savings for trips and stuff is fair and if he gets a job and uses his own money for fun stuff you would accept it more.
Apart from the money aspect I would be letting him go to London and see how he gets on booking a hotel etc, you have got to let him get on with growing up. When he's 18 he's an adult so you really won't have any control but if you build respect and meet him halfway he might appreciate that.
Alternative is you all go to London and him and GF go off and do their thing and you see a show or whatever.